"It's okay if you don't love me anymore
Sometimes I don't love me either,
I just..." choked laugh "...need to know
That you are still breathing"
Tears begin to roll as my voice shakes
Violently threatening to be heard through
The speaker,
That is if he listens
"I miss you,
I love you"
Those choked laughs start up again
"I really do and I am so sorry
I'm sorry I'm selfish and I'm
Sorry I don't always put your needs and desires
First
But I need you to know just how much I love you
Please call me
Text me
Anything
I just need to make sure you're still breathing"
*Because it's becoming hard for me to do so

Soot soils souls
.
Racquets ritually regress

Oh dear
I haven't offended you,
Have I
Because that would be downright awful
Of me


Seeing as how I'm
Just warming up

I am the kind of girl who has never once forgotten
The name of everyone she's ever had a crush on
I am the kind of girl who has never stopped loving
Or feeling guilty and ashamed

Come, take a walk with me
As I lead you down this road
Back to the place we all shall call home
Take a walk with me
As I show you the ropes
I'll teach you the bright side of the loneliest life

Hold my hand, O shattered soul
I can help you see the love
That seems to be obsolete
Hold my hand
And I will lead you through the dark
But I refuse to show my fractured heart

Look at me just once
Perhaps you will find
I'm just a reflection standing by your side
Look at me just once
There is no redemption
We are one in the same
With not a thing different

Take a walk with me
As I collapse to cry
I learned to live without love on my side
Take a walk with me
I promise I am fine
After all, we're here just to die

I told you dear,
I sell scars, not cars
But I can see where the confusion
Comes from
After all
No one expects to love
A used scars saleswoman

Crackling embers simmer below
Snapping loud bursts at the most inopportune times
Curiosity strikes threatening to remind
Of a life so long ago
Memories boil to the surface
Swelling with a typhoon of emotion
Rudely inviting themselves
To cling to a life of what could have beens
It's like a wound never fully healed
Torn apart, ripping at the scab
Bleeding and itchy
Denial burns cruelly

When I was 13 I read
The Statistical Probability of Love at First Sight
And have been obsessed with math since

Anyone can catch a fish with a hook
But few can do so with simple honesty

Just because a word is spoken
Doesn't mean it is heard

I am in need of a poem about healing
But no one seems to be providing
My dosage or prescription
I need a poem that when I read it
I feel like there are arms wrapped tight
Around my shaking body as the tears tumble down
I need a poem that when I read it
I can hear the feeling of home
Comforting me, listening to me
I need a poem that lets me know
I will be okay
And that the only person I truly need
To validate my being is me
But also makes me believe it
I need a poem that lets me know I belong
That I matter
And that even though I sometimes am in the wrong
Lets me believe it will be okay
I need a poem that cries and laughs
Then smiles and sobs some more
I need a poem that cuts like a blade
So that I won't feel the need to find one myself
Not that it's ever far off anyways
But I need a poem that
Breathes

Walk through in the early morning
While the sun sits on the horizon
While stars are still burning brightly dead
Take the time to be truly fascinated by your home
And just speak
Tell your house how much you love it
How grateful you are for the memories you've made and will make
Drop your worries at the front door and keep walking
You can pick them back up later
Talk to your house like it's an old friend
Sit in the silence and listen to what it has to say in return
Keep your house healthy and happy
Maintain your chores
If you fall behind don't worry
House will always forgive you
Because if you listen
You'll hear how much it loves you

In my dreams I am single
Building wealth and surrounded by friends
The desert sun kisses me awake
And continues making love to my soul all through the day
In my dreams I am limitless and free
My ambition is unchallenged and naysayers are ******
I move in authenticity
Which only arouses me more
In my dreams I am alive
Dancing through every gifted moment
Flames of passion rush through my veins
And my every cell vibrates with excitement
But when I wake up it all crashes
And I am deafened by the silence
I am compressed by the limitations of the one next to me
But it isn't his fault; it's my own

So you got knocked down
A few scrapes here and there
A few cuts in covert wheres
Thrown against a wall
With head bashing into drawers
Crying silent angry ears
That stain with salt
Your hollowed cheeks
Your starved body tries to eat air
And wretches up burning bile
But it will be okay
The wounds on your heart are fresh
Those self inflicted even more so
But eventually all wounds close
The bruise over
And heal
You might not be able
To get along like you used to
But it's okay
Because you aren't who you used to be
Any longer
Now you're soon to be
Bruised and healing and
Stronger

Everything makes me tired
Lithium
Seroquel
Escitalopram
Sertraline
Hydroxyzine
And so far nothing has worked
I constantly feel overwhelmed
Undervalued
And sad
This Pandemic has devoured my paycheck
And I have learned how
Unimportant I am in such an oversaturated market
My brain feels so scattered and
It does not feel like my birthday
After all what is there to celebrate
By my own actions and choices I have no friends
My medications cause outbursts of anger
And my soon to be husband gets the short end of that stick
I am a mess and I am full of missing

Speckled concrete jitters
Sweaty knees knocking
Three seconds of brave
And she leaps
Exhilarating
She's flying and confidence rises
Risk is what she craves
Knowing even three weeks ago
She never would have
Said yes to adventure
To life
But now she refuses to say no
Even when she's terrified
And has one second of "oh ****"

Too much drama
Too much noise
Too much "he said, she said"
Too much hatred
Too much pain
I can't toast to that
The world has tilted itself
Too far on its axis
I fear it will never correct
I want to spread love
To spread inspiration
To spread hope
To spread future
To spread encouragement
But life has so many downs
It seems almost impossible to adjust
The world to its proper proportions
So we just adjust
To the shifted thought
And its ever-widening gyre
That consumes us whole
Then never ceases to fill our bodies
With hatred and eat away at our souls
So this I urge
Wake the **** up
We need more positivity
And I am just as guilty
But I want to change
And make the world
See a 180 change
For the better

And just when I've forgotten the hurt
I see the one photo we have together
And I shatter all over again

The depression has been hitting pretty hard lately
I thought I was getting better
I guess I was wrong
Every time I step on the scale I cry a little
Even though I know I'm a healthy weight for the first time ever
I just hate the stretch marks and non-buttoning jeans
I should be grateful I have a job
But it's one I've left before and the promotion made it worse
The house is always a mess and it gives me anxiety
I just have no motivation to do anything
And the cat litter for god's sake
Does that smell ever leave?

I'm reading your favorite book
The one I saw you reading months ago
With the broken spine
And worn thin pages
Discovering more and more pieces of you
In every tumbling line
Every word takes my breath away
Reminding me how in love I am with your soul
I look up from the print as you do a little dance
Everything you make is perfect and the lemon drops have my head a little spinny
Even in our spats we fall deeper in love
Our apartment overlooks the city
Each and every night is so romantic
Our love is passionate and deep and real
We go on the greatest adventures
No two days are the same
And I finally feel alive and supported in my drive
But none if it's real because for all I know
That book was bought used for a class assignment due the next day
I'll never know because I never got up the courage to ask

A human is composed of four things total
Body
Brain
Soul
Heart
These things are incredible
Because they get trampled everyday
Each day your body fights off disease
Or tries to at least
Each day your brain has to decide which
Of the "lessons" thrown your way to absorb
Your soul, everyday, handles hardships and mistreatment
Then shows altruism
But your heart
Oh **** your heart
Each and every single day
Must remember how to love
Must experience some cracking and sometimes full on shatters
Then it must heal so that you might be able
To use the rest of what you're made of
And eventually your heart again
We are all tossed together
Thrown in the oven
Baked
Then in the world we are all
Tossed around by different circumstances
Tossed together by fate
And tossed about for strength

I think it's finally time to file the papers
My love is infinite but it's turned platonic

Don't you think it's just a bit funny that
Maybe you could have liked me had she not
Waltzed about with her perky ***** and flawless
Life hiding under ten pounds of ***** rouge because
For a while that's what I called her not because I truly
Believed that was what she is but only out of the thoughts that
If not for her I'd still have a chance don't you think it's the least
Bit hilarious that as soon as your relationship began our
Friendship seemed to have disappeared and now
I'm stuck here regrettably in love with you and
Leaving class the second you walk in  if only
Because I begin to panic with anxiety and heartbreak my
Heart is broken because of you and I spend hours
Awake crying when I really should be sleeping but
I suppose this is the way of the world but you should know
That if this is you exhibiting your godliness then
I don't want to know your god because he seems
Cruel and partial and mean to those
Who were not born into his beliefs and if I was
Created in his image then **** I want to
Die because you're not the nice man I thought
You were but merely a teenage boy

Water park waves rush up my strawberry legs
My too flabby stomach pudges out over my swimsuit
My big ole ***** are spilling out the sides
The chlorine is eating at my hair dye
And I of course forgot to wear waterproof makeup so my acne is all too visible
But surprisingly I don't care
For the first time in a long time these aren't the thoughts that consume me
Sure they come, but they go just as fast
Because I'm having a blast and I feel loved
I feel completely embraced by the sunshine
The rays seem to be radiating from my imperfect body
I feel at peace and in love
And I realize I am

I am bent over and stooped low
Clearly my knees will not last much longer
I am shaking and sweating and scared
Bricks upon bricks are cemented together
And I don't want to fall
But you cannot expect me
A small framed overweight girl
To hold the world
Without some of it falling
Fret not though because I aim to please
And each brick will lay exactly how you designed it
I will stay here
Lowering deeper into a crouch
In hopes that I am finally pleasing you
Oh great big open world
Because unfortunately I still see myself as just a girl
Where instead I should see a strong woman
With an *** that looks incredible
From all that deep squaring
With your ridiculous bricks
I love to bear

The foolish pitter patter
Of a heart so tender
A flame kindled higher
Everything feels fresh
New
Young
Charmed and enchanted
Bright glimmering smiles
Of a youthful hope, naive and excitable

Will forever have my heart

Doesn't it make sense to drop your body into a steaming tub
Surrounded by a thousand flickering flames
Nestling yourself down into an infinite amount of bubbles
It seems so simple and easy
Like creativity as a child
Where did my sense of art go?
I can see it everywhere but in my own head
It's like leaning toward the middle of the back seat to watch the bugs
On the front window battle the mist that grows fiercer
Pretending there are cameras from every angle as water rolls steadily down the window to your side
Humming a tune that you think you made up
Because you can't remember where you've heard it before
And now tears full of salt destroy the soap that has encompassed your whole body
The art you so carefully dreamt of isn't really yours but you'll say it is anyway
Because it makes you feel good
It gives you a sense of power
Some sort of control
Because Lord knows you're really just drowning in the rain
Like those bugs on the windshield
That didn't have a chance anyway

Even in the space of silence
We say so much
And pick right back up
Like no time has passed

Imagery swirls around my mind
Of beautiful stormy skyscapes
Hiding out under covers from the torrent
The glow of young love burning in your
Oceans of graces
Laughter sings in the air thick
With hope and where-have-you-been-all-my-life
Everything in my heart screams
How perfect it all
Would
Be

Have you not realized that
The butterflies are there
To make you lose
Your ******* mind

Purple orange twilight skies
With streaky clouds rolling by
Desert days turn to night
Music cranked, windows down
Memories in hindsight
Lost love
Found hope
Growing pain
Of braking bones
The stars will guide
A heart that lies
To a mind for the right
Reasons

I want to fall in love
Deep and passionate and sparkly
I want to feel that high again
And I'm terrified I'll be chasing it the rest of my life

Sparkling glass beads of water
Drip from her body
Glowing in the incandescent gold
She traces herself in the mirror
Going over all the parts she hates
Until she sees what he does
Gorgeous

.

I am Icarus
Flying too close to the sun
I feel the black wax
Melting down my spine
My paper thin feathers
Burning to a crisp
The earth below me is
Threatening and I know
There is no going back
Yearning to be met by someone
Who can match my ambition, match my
Terrifying enormous heart
And throw themselves into the ocean without fear

Dance naked up by the Hollywood sign
Red carpet glitz
Make out at rock concerts
Family holidays
Impulsive matching tattoos
Annual Nutcracker ballet
Vaping and Long Islands
Sunday morning cuddles
Scratches and hickeys
Blanket and pillow forts

I wish to be romanced
Completely wooed
Swept off my feet
I want to feel pursued
I crave the late night refrigerator glow dances
And 3 am drives
Sneaking off into fields of clover to stare at the stars
Wishing on every single one for an eternity of this moment
I want the simple ease of a pleasant life
Where we find adventure in the mundane
Just once, I want to be sought after
Rather than doing the chasing

Heat rolled through her body
Like the flames that devoured her family
As she kissed a man
Who could be her demise

Hot girl summer
Starts with
Healthy girl spring

Inside me there is a beast clawing
Its bloodied talons are sharpened on my bones
Gently tearing through every fiber of sinew I have
Each direction I try to run I am met only with conflict
All the walls around me are thick with rebar jagged
The room I am trapped in is flooding
I cannot breathe
I cannot see
My chest is full of fire and the beast is thriving
Excited by the torment I inflict on myself
Two lives, two dreams, unattainable
Unsustainable
The war drum pounds around my heart
I dig deeper, the dirt caked into my bleeding nails
Missiles fly overhead, deafening laughter
Never will I win in the looping soundtrack of what if

I wonder how everyone I've encountered is doing these days
Did New York **** himself like he threatened?
Did New Jersey Photographer make it big?
Did Assembly Boy find someone else to trade shoes with?
Did Catholic Warrior find faith?
Did Olympian come clean?
Did Shoreline reincarnate?
Did Church graduate?
Did Bowling find love?
Did Lasso discover?
Did Fireman really accomplish it all?
Did Cashew go to Silicone?
I know I sure didn't go anywhere I thought I ever would

Fleeting
Perfect
Monumental
Summertime
Unending
Ferris wheel
Burning lights
Reckless
Midnight
Shimmering
Pop punk
Desirous
Enviable
Fireworks forever