Every few days
It feels like the end of the world
But somehow
It always ends up okay
I'm not sure how much longer
I can take this vicious back and forth
Between neutrality and disaster
And it feels like I have
As much control over this cycle
As I do over the phases of the moon
Or the ebb and flow of the tides

Maybe predicting it
Is as good as it's going to get

I wish that I could protect you
from everything horrible in this world,
but I am just a person.
I can't tell where the pain is coming from
until it starts hurting.

there are many things
that I wish I could change about myself,
but you are not one of them.

He asks me why I stay silent
Doesn't he know that he took all my words with him when he left?

Laying naked in bed
Confusion filled heads
Your moaning sounded like Gods voice
Reminding me that I'd one day visit hell
And when you left me
I finally understood what he was talking about

I like songs with rough edges
   Ones that sound like they were created
in the dusty corners of someone’s garage
    Songs that were recorded with ancient
                                  and ailing equipment
          That play back fuzzy and distorted
            Songs that are raw and unfinished
             Songs with unharnessed emotion

They aren’t mellow or soothing
They offend with every beat
They have corners and sharp spines
They cut and tear with each chord

                    I like songs with rough edges
Because they can pierce through my skin
                           My shields are powerless
       All defenses are rendered ineffective
                                          I am left exposed

I like songs with rough edges
Because they force me to feel
        The things I had locked out
        The things I have been so afraid of letting in
        The things that remind me that I'm only human


                   I like songs with rough edges

                                                         That match my own

I used to walk without seeing where I was going
For fear that I would meet someone’s eye
And they wouldn’t like what they saw

                      I used to hesitate to open my mouth
                                  For fear that what I had to say
                       Might make people think less of me

I used to try to take up as little space as I could
To leave room for people more important than I

                               I used to pretend I was a ghost
I used to float through life only halfway present
                  Always observing, never participating

I used to

I’ve grown so tired of being apologetic for merely existing

                  I meet peoples’ eyes when I walk now
                       And if they don’t like what they see
                                                             ­     ***** them

I try harder to say what’s on my mind
And people who don’t appreciate it
Can deal with it

I take up as much space as I need to be comfortable
Because I realize now that my comfort is not a reason to feel guilty

I am starting to live life for the first time and it feels so hopeful
I can feel the ghost dwindle every day
Maybe, one day, I might be a whole person
                                                          ­       **Maybe

I never missed you so much
Until I was sitting on the bleachers
Listening to a band sing about love
And all I could do was pretend you were next to me
So I could reach for your hand as the music swelled
I'd give up forever to touch you

Somehow each song is about you
And the band has become the narrator of our story
That hasn’t even begun yet
I wish I could take back the music
And stop hearing your voice in every lyric
I just don’t want to miss you tonight

Even more I wish that you were here
In a presence greater than just in my mind
I want to believe that you are thinking about me
Because somehow I let everything remind me of you
I just want you to know who I am

I never wanted to be a cliche
But something about you makes it okay

Why is it that I coast through most days
In a haze
But then at night
My mind's ablaze?

I'm becoming addicted to words
And I think to myself,
"At least it's not ******."
But sometimes I think words
Can be just as dangerous