Matthew S

Matthew S Jun 2018

All i wanted
Was a good role model
Someone to show me
How to clean my room
Or to do my laundry
What i got was your laziness

All i wanted
Was for someone to read to me
For someone to protect me
And be there for me
When my demons come to play
What i got is a bigger, stronger demon

All i wanted
Was to live with my parents
To be happy
Even if
You too were separated
What i got is abandonment issues

I say i want
A lot of useless things
Like video games, that you deemed more important than me
Or movies that you might like,
To get your attention
But i don't really mean it

Because all i want
Is a decent father
But what i got
Is the bad lessons
You left behind with me

So happy ******* fathers day
You deadbeat parent, you,
And i really hope
That you don't feel the pain I'm feeling
But if you do
Then deal with it

Because hell,
I didn't want to be broken
All i wanted was you

i wanted to write this on fathers day but that didn't happen.
honestly fathers day this year was extra excruciating. my dad just.... he finally just had enough with acting like he wanted to be there i guess. like Ive been trying to reason with him and he always says its my fault and that I'm an adult now and that I'm acting like a child when all i ******* wanted since childhood was a father who truly cared.
like... i just wanted a better childhood, and better parents, but that's not what happened, and I'm slowly dealing with that fact.
I'm slowly realizing I'm not to blame for my father leaving, but it doesn't take the pain away.

Matthew S Feb 2018

Well here goes nothing

I have a question for you.
Do you think Im faking it?
I want to tell you how i feel
I want to do what you promised me i could do
I want to be truthful
But i can't
Because you have already put me down
And brushed me off as a "moody teenager"

I'm 18
About to be 19
Ill admit, i am young
But is that a reason to brush me off?
Is that a reason to not let me talk?
Is that a reason....
To deny my feelings?
To treat me like
I don't have a voice?

Is that a reason to make me feel
Like Im a bird
That had his wings torn off?
Is that a reason
To point out my stutter
To yell at me when Im trying to think of my next words carefully?
To yell at me
When i don't yell at you?

I already know that my words
Are not right.
They are not how i want them to be
They come out of my mouth
Like a monster of hatred
They stutter and they run
And they cause destruction
They cause me pain

Do you have to point out
That i act childish?
That i "over react"?
That Im a "drama queen"?
Because sometimes
I act more mature than you
And then i get bashed with profanities that you just wont let me say out loud

Can i remind you
Of the promise you made me
When i was in the psychiatric hospital?
A promise that i could tell you
When Ive hit my lowest point?
When Ive had enough?

Because Ive had enough
Of the name calling
Of the ******* arguments
Of ******* everything
But i can't tell you
Because i was getting better
And you would think I'm lying

And you, and everyone else in this family
Will join your hands
Put your differences aside
And scream out you version of motivation
But what you don't see
Is sometimes all i need

Is for someone to notice
How much i hold back my anger
When you let loose yours

Is for someone
To let me finish a sentence
Before they yell at me

For someone
To side with me
And not just with the adult in the situation

For you to ******* stop.

And listen
Before i do something
Something that my ****** up mind thinks will fix the situation
But will only make it worse
For those who i left behind

****I'M NOT GONNA DO ANYTHING! THE SUICIDAL FEELING HAS PASSED, WRITING THE POEM HELPED WITH THAT!**** eh... If i post this it will probably be later when Ive calmed down more.
Ive had arguments with my uncle but its become so bad that he constantly insults me and i cant say anything back in a calm voice or even, my favorite option, not talk to him to avoid more of the argument. And when i just nod my head, and say "yes sir" i STILL get yelled at. At this point, I'm just tired of it.
Im calm now but i wish it would stop so i could just.. Breathe

Matthew S Feb 2018

An ode to pills

Sometimes pills are negative
They **** and they hurt those around them
But what about
When they are needed?

I remember growing up
And seeing my aunt get slower
And slower
Because of the physical and psychological pain she has

I remember her
Turning from a happy person
Into a moody
Bitter person

I remember the happiness
Turn to saddness
Because of the pain
And no one could help her

The government ******* her over
Broke her down
Made her weak
And it continues to do just that

Ive had to help
Her out of the tub
Because the tub is too deep
And she is too physically weak

I saw her emotional strength
Get weaker
And weaker
With everyone of her brothers passing

I saw her cry
When her mother, my grandma
Forgot that her son passed away
And my aunt
Just made her break down

I saw her face
When my grandma
Couldn't remember simple things
And she couldn't hug her.

I saw the saddness
And the anger
When she realised
We dont have enough money for food

I saw the tough love
She used on me
Because she knows i can do better
I know it too

I saw many sides of my aunt
Mostly sad sides
But the side i saw today
Was one that i thought id never see

I came in
To a quiet home
No yelling
No sounds

Then i heard a giggle
I heard my brother giggle
As he always does
As he played his little... **** game?

I saw my uncle
Cook his famous spaghetti
And he made some
Homemade garlic bread

And finally
I saw my aunt
Lay on her bed, reading a magazine
I assumed she was in pain

I asked he what was wrong
And she said "nothing"
"Im just waiting for the pills to kick in"
"There for depression, and anxiety"

We sat together for dinner
Something we havent done in a while
And we talked calmly
And everything was fine for at least a little bit

For the longest time i thought that
Pills hurt everyone
Pills harm everyone
But i just realised

How selfish i was being
To my aunt mom
Who has done everything she could and more
To try and make me
Have a painfree life
So for once
Thank you pills
For coming to her rescue

I think ive had the most "normal" evening meal in a long time. My aunt has been in so much pain, and went to doctors that didnt care for the longest time and finally she is getting the help she deserves.

#happiness #joy

Matthew S Feb 2018

There once was a dream

there once was a dream
            i had set out for me

            of the                            and fall                  pen or
        waves   ocean              rise   constantly     my       the
      the             would      fall             with      of               swoosh
where                  rise and                    the flick                    of my brush

i made words into art
or art into words
for everyone to see

now i only make it for me

                                     see        but
                                 world               i
                                    the              will
                                             let
how i can create pictures
without touching a brush
and how i can
truly go from
                         f                                                 up
                         a                                                  g
                         l                                                   n
                         l                                                   i
                         i                                                   s
                         n                                                  i
                         g                                                  r
                    down                     to

wanted to try something new.
Also if your on your phone it doesnt look good.

Matthew S Feb 2018

Hateful Comedy.

I think its funny
How some people don't approve of the way a person is
They say, "don't shove it down my throat!"
"Leave it in the bedroom!"
Yet they make out in-front of them
And they preach their religion
Until the other person gets sick of hearing how
"Its Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve'
They preach hate
And say its the same one
That preaches love
The same religion, that does not like hypocrites
Oh and if anyone else
Who is religious
And sees it a different way
Who sees the good in people
And loves them for who they are
Not who they love
The hypocrites will preach that
"They are not good enough"
Now isn't that hilarious?

this is not meant to offend anyone who is religious, but ive gotten tired of how people are so quick to hate, and are so quick to judge.
i get it if you don't like someone, but is it really worth it to hate them over a fact about themselves they cant change?

Matthew S Feb 2018

To the parents, or family, of Taylor Marie

I regret to inform you
Of a tragic, yet beautiful thing
That happened to your daughter, or cousin. yes, Taylor Marie.
She has passed away the day she was born
What you see now, is a ghost of what you wanted her to be
A soul lives in this body, so don't fret

Instead of a little girl inside this body of hers,
Is a 18 year old that wants to be true to himself,
He wants to show the world that hes not Taylor Marie
He wants to scream his name from the roof of this
Probably unstable,
Mobile home.

He has the same likes as Taylor, well... we can assume he does.
Since the body he lives in has been
Nothing but a dead corpse
Slapped with a label of "girl"
A label of "Taylor"
A label, he just cant stand.
So i stand here now as an interpreter of
Who i truly am
And i will say this to you
With unprejudiced truth

To the parents, or family, of Taylor Marie.
The daughter you thought you had,
Is dead.
She never truly existed,
But i know who has,
Who has wished he could be true to who he is,
And will finally be true to himself for the rest of his life

Your son, or brother, or cousin,
Has finally been brought to the surface,
Of a body that isn't his
The body of Taylor Marie,
And his name,

Is Matthew Todd

i have told my aunt and uncle that im transgender, but not my parents and my cousin
i dont live with my parents so its not a big deal if they accept me or not. my cousin on the other hand, ill be devastated if she cant accept me, not just for myself, but for her daughter who looks up to me like an older sibling.
i think everything will go well.

#truth #happiness

Matthew S Feb 2018

Temporary Valentines

Would you be my Valentines?
Just for tonight?
You can leave me in the morning
I'm used to it, i wont mind.
Go ahead and leave,
Your shoes at the door.
In the morning i wouldn't want
To see the memory of you on the floor.
What do we do now?
Do we sit by the fire?
Does the warmth between us,
Give us a temporary desire?
Lets watch the fire roar,
Let it sizzle, pop, and burn.
Lets enjoy this night,
Something we both have earned.
Would you listen to my story?
Or show me yours?
I can get kind of boring,
But ill fake it for you, of course.
I sing to you a song,
One you will never forget.
I can sing you the song
Until the sun sets.
Ill give you sweets,
Not as sweet as you,
As a token of our one night relationship
A promise of half truth
So would you be my temporary Valentines?
Just for tonight?
Tomorrow you can leave.
I'm used to it, i wont mind.

Ehhh. I wanted to do something different, so i decided to try and do a poem that has a rhyme scheme.
I dont know, im very torn about valentines day. On one hand i love it, on the other hand i hate it.
The only thing i wish i did was i wished that i actually saw it coming this year so i could mentally prepare for it.

#valentines