i don't think
it will ever get easier
to sit next to you

i don't think
the pit in my stomach
will ever leave

i don't think
i really know
how to deal with this

i don't think
i have a solution
for this

i don't think
you will ever understand
the depth of the hurt you left me with

i do not have all of the answers
i do not even have all of the questions

thank you
for always being "here"
for me
but sometimes
i need you to be here
present
tangible
and i know that is not possible
but sometimes
a phone call
is not enough
sometimes
i need more
a hug
somewhere to put my head
and i'm sorry
that i am falling apart
i don't know what else to do

i told the story differently
i made it that
a story
i was not ready
but you were
and i liked you
so i said yes
you are the only person
to ever be inside of me
and i have been waiting
a long few weeks
for my body
to shed this experience
to cleanse me
to help me feel new
i do not think
i have ever been
more grateful
to wake up with
a red stain
on my bedsheets

you told me you wrote about me
that terrifies me
no one has ever wanted to do that
to write about me
not like that
i am scared
i am not ready to do it again
i am not ready to hurt
to get hurt
to hurt you
i know you want more
i'm sorry
i can't give you what you want
thank you
for wanting me anyway

what sparks these thoughts & what allows them to tear me down

but this time
it was me
doing the hurting
i cannot apologize enough
i'm sorry
i'm sorry
i'm sorry
i never wanted to hurt you
i know that does not mean anything
because i did
i did hurt you
so i will give you every
i'm sorry
i have and hope
you can use them to heal

i, too
have poems titled after songs
i can no longer listen to

the terrarium that encloses me
has many foreign obstacles
some with sharp exteriors
others with bright, welcoming colors
the glass walls allow me to see outside
there is an illusion that i am safe inside
able to grow over time
when really
i am stuck
watching the world spin around me

Maybe it's the feeling that I could tell you everything.
Maybe it's fact that I could make a total fool of myself,
But not dwell on it because I know that you'll still love me.
Maybe it's because I've never felt like this before and that I have no fear of you hurting me.
Maybe it's the fact that I no longer believe that I am a tough person to love because you make it look so easy.
Maybe it's much simpler than that.
Maybe it's more complicated than this.
Maybe all it is, is you.