Some days smell like failure
Some days emenate winter
Some days smell the same
As last year when I was bitter.
And it's almost been a calender
The time is passing quickly
And my entire life
Is flying right past me.

You read he beget he beget
I see thought beget thought begat
When God spoke and so he created
Then thought is so much more
And the word of God was not written
But turned in to stars and moons and men.

the moment when. paint on brush
brush on canvas,
and you, you, you,
You can't seem to quite get it.
Your toes are curling under
Your mind becomes confused
what is this texture, color, and line
I need to use.

What am I miss,
What information dont I know
I thousand ways to stroke it
A thousand paths to go.

I never wanna have to leave
This place with you
I never wanna have to see
a day with out you

You bring me to the highest peaks
the mountain tops the flowing creeks
You bring me such love

You whisper treat You golden rung
You beautiful man, voice beautifully sung

You are my God, My Golden Idol
My whorships love my little child
My closesest friend, My Brother
My confidon, My lover.

In a town not far from here I once knew of a girl who was far from clean but she glowed of holiness just like you might guess any agent of the almighty had.  
Hep c and spinal erosion she blasted more than just intravenous drugs into her stream.  
Which is why from the base of her spine to the top of her heart seemed to be far over powered by something not quite herself. You could say it was a jin, though lucifer would say it's something of men,
But he knew more, than us, didn't he

I have found no end to

suffering or happiness.

I have seen them come and go.

I will stuff this cat in the bag  
and carry her with me through the city.
In urgency, in urgency

She will be colored orange and I will be dressed in black
and at my funeral she will be released.

The second time I awaken you will be sensually irresistible to me
and I will show what its like to have freedom from with in.

And when Number three threatens His Quake Satan Himself will
Dine with us,
and we will all three transcend.

Polished cardboard wet with angst.
Fringed across the air ways.
It's cuddled breathing
Clostrophobia.
I want to feel you in my nose and mouth
Like cat hair clinging to the moisture
And to my face.
Indescribable frustration as I attempt to wipe it away.
Futile.

I sometimes feel like a leech
On the groin of a god
Forgetting what I'm here for
For something else.
Finding sustenance
In consumation
Losing track of giving
Falling into taking
Like some pleasure driven beast
I try to hold my apples
Within my chalice
I try to open my highways
Of transcendence
And ride the mental bliss toward wholeness of two
But this body cries
For seizure rapidity
And composer to fall down the drain.
And I struggle to be more than a worm.

One last note before i go
One last word to speak
On last Thought which you must know
One more smell to wreak

One more impulse I follow out
One more failure to observe
One more Reason for me to pout
One more learning curve.

One last thing, to say good bye
On last adventure for us
On last kiss between you and I
One last breeze to gust.

I punched m y self today
Amidst to many thoughts
And helplessness.
An over whelping hopelessness.
A tired soul an active mind
I've been thinking thoughts with to much weight.
Seeing people walk around living their lives is begining to make me feel
Like....
There's already enough going on in the world
Like plenty of people will do plenty of things.
Like what's the point in one more person fumbling their way through life.
I'm going I'm going.
But it's not out of hope.
It's put of guilt and fear.
When I think of my husband
While I think of my uselessness
I feel such a deep sorrow.
Not because I feel like he needs me.
But because I know that he loves me.
And I know that he would some how feel guilty.
And I'm tired. I'm so ******* tired. And I'm frustrated because I feel guilty. For being tired. And what sounds so lovely is sleep for ever. I don't hate myself. I don't even want to **** myself. I just don't want to be alive because my ******* tired. I'm so tired of day to day life that I could **** myself. I'm so tired of all of it. I love my husband very much. So so much. He is the sweetest most christ like being I have ever met and I am happy with him. I think he's perfect. There's nothing he could do to become a better person to me. It's not that that's not good enough. It's that I'm to tired. It's like having a really nice meal when your not hungry. You love it it looks great it smells great it makes you happy. But it doesn't make you hungry. I don't have much a a drive to be alive and I don't know why.......
I just wish I could hit the pause button shut everything off and nothing existed any more.
They say this is a temporary feeling... that it goes away..... but why does it always come back.

Flowers grow for fun and they grow for life
they grow in frozen ground, they survive in strife
Flowers smell so sweet you know
Like honey tastes on the tongue

Flowers remind of those that i used to know
Way back when I was young.

Sliver of the best
and sliver of the worst
Shiver on your chest
and then we will disperse

Not until we die
You can ever leave me
Not until we die
will you ever be free of me.

Tell me, Have I made myself clear
You can tell that  I love you and so need you near.

Tell me love, Of your utter feelings
and I'll show you all of my inner reelings

I can show you where the electricity runs
I can show you how I inhale my lungs
I can show you the way my precious heart beats
and you can tell me how you think its all very neat.

Slashing portraits of what you think you know
Of all those things we keep above and below.

How you weep at expression not matching your tide
How you want  different shades to dim their light and hide.

Tyrant you live so selfishly explosive
Darkening your view on others is intrusive.

Have you ever shook with aliveness like caffeine in wonder and if you have you know what I'm saying but if you don't it's so far away from anything you could imagine my words are pointless falling on dry deserts of you think you know and false comprehension.

Dare to fear me and blame your self
You may be asking for something dead
and Speak this fear and live it out
You may be dying in your own head

But let that go and you will see
That I am beautiful and I dont sting
You are lovely and you wish to be
Once we heal we will both sing

I love you like I love myself
Clearly and so true
I love you as I love every one else
But remember you are them too.

You fade in and out of me
Like my consciousness
fades when I have drank
to much ***** to stay awake. ..

and I enjoy your exit and return
even more than the shaking
of slowly waking
from an ****** induced slumber.

The feeling of ecstasy rides up my spine
into the deepest corners of my mind
Cleaning out those old ways of thinking...

You with in me, here in this moment
that is what heals my ever growing soul.

She asked if I was happy

No I am just normal

She said I know why...  

You have a heart in your brain.

My spinal erosion is aching the ribs.
What a terrible way to wake up.
I don't mind.
I try not to.
The pressure stops with gravity.

You speak to me in moments of apprehension and letting go.
You have given something to me and its clear I know.
God is this you, or some of your workers...
A thousand beams of light .
A voice in the darkness, saying, love you can see me
Just open your eyes.
I am gleaming Burning, SO bright.

Dear God if thats you, then why am I here...

If this isn't home Then I want to go.

Plants, and books, and dog cat bird.
Janis singing on the speakers, have you heard?
Smoke in the air, joint on the table.
Try to write, will I be able?
Wood couch, wood floors,  Nag champa burning.
You’re gone at work, and my heart is yearning.
Cobain, and Lennon stare from the wall.
Its already gotten so cold this fall.
Pumpkin on the porch, Dream catcher on the door.
You know I always love you more.

Once I was stray matted hair and all.
Needles and no food I was a doll.
Sweeter than you knew, you had to have me.
I wanted you too, we were savvy.


You invited me in, left the door open
You told me you liked me, helped with coping.
You said no need for fear that you wouldn't  hurt me
You said You liked me near that you hoped i would see

That your a lover not a hater
and your a healer but not a savior.
Your quiet but not silent and
clearly very driven.
And its me to which your loves been given

Savagely I will eat you alive.
I will brace you for the moment you die.
I will escort you to the finish line

We are those who try to sooth the soul
Those who work to make others whole
we are Lovers
We bring faith behind us drifting in the air
We move ever forward providing others with care
We are gifters to show the rest a better way
We are sifters  we move the darkness to the day
We will try forever lifting those who cannot stand
We will teach them , offer them a hand.
I will love you no matter how diseased.
I will help you forever or until your pleased.
We are lovers, aim to renew the soul of sin
We are helpers, for every one is our kin
We are guidance show a path to follow
We are hated for the truth that no one can swallow.
We are lovers, we give our energy and time
I am dedicated to riding this world of grey slime.
I bring in color. A view for you to dream
I offer love coming from a never ending stream.
I am repentance your suffering well worth it
We are the lovers who have waded our way through it.
We are the ones who have conquered our pasts we are those who refuse to let the night mare last and we are Friends, to all of those still learning lessons and We will be there to answer any questions. We are light bringers we walk a holy path and we are all one we have nothing you lack.

I never asked for pain
I never asked for much
But this world gave me insane
I guess it thought i was too much.

See i never asked for love,
Only that I could give it.

And I never asked for a shove,
Only said I would let it.

Religion has its perks
and so does, gluttony
and in the wild animals thrive
in pedofilia and murdering.

That may sound out of place,
it may seem kind of sick
But we are all just taking up space
Turning all these tricks after tricks.

We trade, we fight, we barter with might.
We grow we expand we take over land
We move we control we love with or with out soul.

We all pay the toll yes we all pay the toll.

No one gets out, with a body.
No one gets out, alive.
In the sense that without a body you can't thrive.

But i see god in the movement of the stars
and I feel my mind in thousand year old scars
so eternity is already
right here for me.

Melted down past the elbow.
I uncovered what was lost
Sheltered by the broken window.
Half a gram at what cost.

Feeding in to old addictions
I find myself quite moved
Even though it causes friction
There's something I must prove.

Needle habit in my mind
Or in my vein or in my heart
Need exposure, i can't find
Need to get over this needle part.

Tracks are scared,
My veins are hard
The bulges and numbness stay.
How was i to know
that this was a part
Or that I'd live with it today.

So tired and so sad,
Influenced by step dad
To take just a dab
I would stop feeling bad.

Just take this belt and tie
You're wrist or you thigh
I'll stick this in your vein
and then we'll both be high.

And then we'll both be high.

Crinkle smash and just at last
The girl who wept, met her match
and just in time she finished up
She crossed the line, in time to touch.
She closed her eyes, and pulled him
She said to him, I always win.
She layed her face right on his
and in that moment they did kiss.
And in that moment she found bliss
and that single moment was one never to miss.
And in that moment it replays
a thousand times every day.
She looks back to that first win
and she thinks i would always
kiss him again.

I am feeling a break in the fault line
I am feeling that surely it will
**** me in a very short time
If I dont move, fight not to lose
Take my time too,
This shattered earth this ground thats shaking.
It is my time that I have been wasting.