Unfolding petals
slipping into sunlight
For its first day of expression
and it knows just what to do
but the rays scorch her soft tissue
and her color goes brown

how sadistic the father.

I wait for you so Gold with whisper lines of Treat
and  your presence so bold, how the oceans part at your feet.

Masochism
See i need you to mistreat me.
I expect you to defeat me
But you wouldn't
and I am confused.
See i like you but I am used to being used.
from a young age I was turned on to abuse
My mother said I liked it when she beat my ***
and I dont know how much of that is true
But i want mistreatment from you.
Or at least I think I do.

Sadism

I have suffered in this life to much
not to learn how to
enjoy it.

I want you to tell me i'm to much.
Try to destroy it.

Something about being broken,
and being breaking
and crying and ******

Something about all my history
all the things done to me,
I want them undone by you
By you doing them to me too.

I know you think I'm sick when I whisper

Hurt me.

But there is something inside me
hiding
and it needs you to hurt me.
It needs you to be the one
and we can pretend
that we are both having fun.

But me Im just reliving
****** up **** from my past.
and I pretend its some fetish some,
desire so strange twisted feat...
Some easy thing i keep discreet
but honestly its devouring me.

I tap my toes inconsistently to my own rhythm.
I don't really care that your watching me
I have learned to live this life through my own wisdom.
And I have learned to be who ever the **** I want to be.

I am sick of pointing fingers at demons
When we all know we have our own reasons.
we use those reasons to make decisions
And when we make a mistake and there is no one to blame,
Our pride is at stake and we hold on to the shame.

I hold on to shame, for every single thing that has happened.
Fear of being found ***** being found in the gutter,
will you ever realize where i come from.
My roots lay deep in the cracks
of a place far darker than you have ever waded.  
And my limbs and leaves will grow and stay green
Long after all of yours have faded,
and then you will leech the life from me,
and i will find myself jaded.
Hopefully then you will see,
Why give and take are mandated.

Treading new water
Breeding in a whole other way
Creation vortex
I give you my day

Two become one
I find in something else.
When I can give to you
And you are myself

Im watching world's begin
In your ineracting with me
And everything you bring
To everything that I see.

Fear sheds with the reptile skin
My root has stopped it's quaking.
And I am pushing out what's with in
And even though I may be shaking,

I'm doing it with pleasure
My fear can not encapture
I will create and measure
My own and your beautiful nature.

And we will throw it up on the canvas
we will blare it upon the air waves
we will exhume all with in our body's
Before we ever reach our graves.

And when day is done
We had joy we had fun
In all our seasons under the sun.

No repentance needed
No savior for our souls
For we found a new way of breeding
And we did become whole.

Scenic flavor, I thought I was sitting in a friend's living room, but when the molecules began reflecting light in a different way, I wasn't sure I was any where, or if I ever had been.
Saturation glows like lightening bug abdomen but its coming from the skin.
I would expect everything to glow in the dark but when it does I can't believe it.
Suddenly dreams don't seem so abstract and life not all that real. A play I've been confused by, until those fleeting moments when the molecules reflect the light differently, and my eyes catch the glimmer and everything seems the same, but the demensions are different.

My desire,
Is the want for your
My love,
Is your wholeness.

and if you want my love
you will give me closeness.

ANd will will be defined
by our affinity

for eachoter

Spent money on nothing
When you could only buy one of two things
With your energies
In one of to ways
But your in ignorance.

Have to want but
still can't touch
and if you want me
just not to much.

Bring me hate and
circumcise
Ween to late
with yellowed eyes

You sicken the air your breathe
and its something which interests me
to see you play a cest pool table
to see you try when your not able.

You bubble reference
peaked to the city
High in count
still not looking pretty

I want for love but
I need for desire
Peaked in the city
still count could be higher.

Inside are things forgetting, forgotten.
and then those forgoing, gone rotten.

Inside my mind I see scenes of nostalgia
and I am moved by the tripping of the reel.

Mother in the recliner, television running.
It smelled like cigarettes, and I am 9 and nicotine.

Mother is intoxication and the angry mean.
Mother is the reasoning.
Mother says life needs seasoning.

Something to make it worth while.
and I am 9, but i can tell her vice is vile.
She and him and those and them and they all smile.

Smile.
Smile.
laugh,
Inhale smoke.

Rough men are real.
Boys are jokes.
**** the love, it is a hoax

I am nine and breathing nicotine

Mother is intoxication and a greyer sheen.

Love and hate
Man and Woman
Night and day
What will I summon

Magnet Lights
Dancing

All for eachother...

Tell me all your wrong doings, I'll show you all their rights.
Prove to me  your lingering, throughout my blackened nights.
I'll pledge allegiance to your soul, even when you're falling.
I want to always rest with you, oh your eyes, my eyes calling. '

Tell me all your secret thoughts, your *** your gore your pain
show me all your darker marks, your wounds, your mind,  your stain.

I will wash it all away from you with acceptance , unconditioned
We will hold each other far away from guilt, fear and superstition.

You play guitar so eloquently.  I desire your rhythm.
You create sound, vibration with the flick of a
Wrist.
While I ****** my own.

Your pick is plastic, harmless to the flesh
and you make love to your guitar
as you stroke her strings.

I ****** myself slowly plucking away
at my own strings.
With my own pick.

My edge is razor sharp, as is yours
just two different perspectives.

You think quickly and remember
the sound each string makes

While I fumble from vein to vein.

I once saw you working down stairs
and you slid a staple into the wall
and it reminded me
Of sliding needles into my vein and ripping them
out.
SO it would bleed,
more than any one ever should.
I feel this now, in my veins.
Its healing in some way.
To write about the past
and hope you dont go back
because that would mean
dying

Mud covered and dried.

Cracks in the skin.

I was a lover and then died

all because desireful sin.

I was a child, full of youth
and filled with you
and i wanted to .

You let me

So thoughtful am I sometimes I can't even hear you.
When your words are running into my eyes  my mind can only see your lips move.
The sound drowned out by the emissions from the stars
And  all the things I wonder of
And all the half healed scars

Sandy eyes, I'm waiting for the tears you cry
waiting for some time, just to lie
at your beckon call and side

Blood shot eyes are standing in time
and 'm holding to mine
and holding to yours

Speak to me in shades of green
speak to me in symmetry
I would like to unfold in seven hundred perfect rolls
and you can all and unwind into every space of mine.

Shredding strings from molecular rings
and I'm peeling rinds from my  roots and my lines
well you should have known that this is where we belong
please dont make a wish for it all to fall away
please dont make a wish unless for it to stay

In time  will be my grave
the time is what we brave
and im hoping for a hundred more
lives above me but what for
and what is it im looking for
What it is im living for
what is meaning cant implore
or understand

i guess you and i both have hands
and we should hold them.

intimacy with the needle
is quite strange
from a sober point of view.
Considering how close I was with it
and then, Now How I dont rememeber much of it.

Just the feeling of exposure.
The feeling of closure
The needles pressure
The meths CC measure.

The dreams i had passed out on the couch
Overdosed I dont remember,
But they must have been something
for me to shoot  a gram or more a day
into my vein
at 16 years
and
80 pounds.

I scream when I speak
to many things unknown
when  I followed a creek
is when I founded my home
when I lay in the waters
and let them push me by
I saw many sons and daughters
all reaching toward the sky
they spoke of renewal,
of finding a better state of mind
they say that few will
for it is ever hard to find
You must give your self to change
becoming only better
or worse
but i choose the first
Because i want to reach for the tops of the trees
and I want to search for whats beyond church
and whats beyond hell and ******* people over.
Being selfish all the time and never being sober
I want something different. A better kind of life.
I want a new challenge, a different kind of strife.

I'm done with this circle, the one I've been running.
I'm done with the cycle, the repetition stunning.
I am moving in sways, in spirals in spirals,
Circles return and experience is viral
I want transcendence
I want revival
I want independence
I want a new trial.

I moved from room to room
In your pleasures
walking through you
Or you moving around me
Showing me the different spaces
In between
The nails and board and tethering.

I felt you out entirely.

I selectively trace the wrinkles in my soul
to create the picture I see with in it all.
I leave some creases un marked,
others are made blue, then green .

This is how I create my inner scene
Who i am and who I want to be.

You see all these marks, create a bigger picture
with in all the lines, there are words and gestures.
Within all the instances there are gained impressions.

With in all of me , there is something deeper
with in all my rolling hills there are some which are steeper
With in all my throw aways there were one or two keepers.

Do we even know ourselves? Enough to say we do...
Do we even know ourselves, and do ourselves know each others too?
Or is all of this just faces bumbing up against more faces
Moving and breathing at faster and slower paces?
We will never know.

The rabbit hole was hidden under

Infatuation and love so deep

That I didn't see it when i moved

And I fell quickly because it was so steep.


And now as I drift from side to side
Floating as a feather
I am wondering about the earth
and about her fair weather

As down in here I see not green or blue

But brown and roots.

I have been taken to the under belly

Mothers lair under ground.

The rabbit lead me in
the Hatter made me found

and what shall I do
But sew much and many
Seams must be closed
and mind must be plenty

Sometimes I'm sick of waiting
for the retched evolution that's tiring this beaten body to the very brink of existance.
I'm not to selfish to try my might
But aging is tired and peace wants not fight.
How cold could my gaze be
How hard my heart. How longing I want for me to know what's my part.
BUT edging away from me is meaning and purpose
and I want to hold you.

I live in sin washed clean
I live in the eye of chaos
                      Serene.

I live in desire controlled.
I live in hell, every demon owned.
I am the mother, God of my world.
I am the daughter, Suffered to sore.


We are the sons of man in this shadow box.
We Shepard eachother not sheep or goats in flocks.

What if i told you, God was not perfect.
Just perfectly alive.
What If I said no matter what you believed
You could never truly die.

See I know something a little
about the back of my head
and I know something, actually nothing
about being dead...

My mind works fabulously,
even though its delusional
and you couldn't tell me anything
even if you could prove it all.

Sing to me, in counted rhythm .

Let not my pride confound me.

Show me all the stepping stones
which lead up to your alter.

I will set myself in them
and you can walk on me.

Sing to me in tempo
of a better greener day

I'm was  jabbering fool and you know it
Sitting in my sest pool, or below it.

I talked and I talked and Talked
sometimes when I spoke I was shocked.

Nobody ever really liked me,
But I never really cared.

Now every one wants to be like me
But they will never ever compare.

See I made it out of the house that was on fire,
Hell I even made it out of the bed.
and  I am still being lead by desire,
But I control it now with my head.

I ran from the shallow hole we all dug
I ran from that nasty place.
I took the key out from under the rug
and I ran at the fastest pace.

I hope no one ever goes in
at least not with out me.
Because that was my own personal pin
That was my nasty place to be.

I offer my flesh, I offer my blood

I will be your sacrifice

the chew that you cud.

I will be the one to suffice

for the ones that should

But never could.

I will be the hanging christ

for those never given a savior

For those never aloud to savor

Happiness and contentment.

I make that my commitment.

Ever law of nature, every force of action
All for your pleasure, at least in some sort of fashion
Your ceaselessness entertains me, the thought of you not knowing.
Although the reality pains me, your lost in all this throwing.
I wish i could help you  breathe, pull the air into your lungs
Feel your anger seeth,  or your heart beat flung.

Hell fire, and waste covers the ground
Its been years since any thing has grown.
And I haven't seen many around
In a few more years I'll be old.

Broken Glass and hot ember, smoke to thick to breathe
walk through it all to find the door, just to see you've forgotten the key.

Back to the drawing bored back to decision
Or in decision tonight.

I want you to live I want you to grow
But this is only YOUR fight.

All your strings run all so smoothly
and im washing in and out
Your gathering everything i told you
and its growing very loud

anchor me here Fish man
your bold blues are flattering me
I know its only half passed five
but i feel we both have some where to be

and its home with the rest of you
the chest of yours
the leftovers
my hair in your face
and the stars in their place.

But separation numbs us to all others accords
And I am afraid We can't find the rewards.
We have been swimming against the current
ANd we have been swimming well.
But the sea water is soaking in
and we are receiving a Salty Swell.

You Wrinkle time
When you wink your eye
and I am lost in the furl of it.


You cast streams of flooding light
and I'm lost in the brightness of it.....

You whisker whisper thoughts of dreams
Desire rips her dresses seam.

You seem healing, yet ******

and in my desire for you I find myself giving.

Naked moon beam
Cooing at the threads
Simply asking them
To unravel on their own.

Skin shines brightly in the night
And I assume that's why your always clothed.

I missed the time when the sun kissed the oceans face.
It brought me sadness when I got the word
From a book
Found in outer space.

Long long ago god showed what he could create
A marvel story written in detailed encryption.
And it's clear that somethinghappened.
Not clear the description
But the moon had to stop talking
As the sun began its rising.

If the Sun is a pupil
The Moon an eye too
and they are both fish
Swimming from me to you...

If the love that I have is a
Magnetic pull
and the friction that you feel
Is part of it all ....

Then why do we fight baby,
when we can love
Try not to hate me
I'll try not to shove.

I'll try not to scratch you
When your scared I'll eat you alive.
Your terrified of me
even though your twice my size...

So does that make me the Moon
The mother
Off all
and you are the SUN
I am at your beck and call.

God I love you, God I see you....

I see God in your face my beautiful man.

My heart has chaffed even thought i kept it safe.
I told you i wasn't scarred, keeping up that story proved hard.
Now I need your accuracy, give me all your precision.
I don't have any one but you to stitch up this division.

Why do I see another world in the faces of the people I love most
Why does their pores separate into hyrogliphic symbols and shades of light shining from under a sheet of glass.
This body is not you my brother.

This sacred vessel
I beg death not enter
I will grit my teeth
I will survive the winter

These songs that so many sing
I can hear them in my head
and I throw my hands like a mistro
Because I am not dead.

Oh I will not fight the vibration
I will not fight the spiral
I will join in the creation
Its contagious and its viral

I am floating in suspension
FOr that never ending wait
I beg death not enter
I want no heavens gate

Right here is my bliss
my hands on your chest
A counteractive partner
Hoping for east, never for west

Old age will not find me
New beginings will be free
Death cant take this mind
But it will take this body

Emotional pain, No words for it, no explanation...
Just a sudden still of movement, a welling of tears
And your in it, over it, You sailing and emotional sea.
Your fighting off waves of anguish, of jealousy...
Oh you want to relax you want to let go, you wan to be free
But its this thick choking feeling, grabbing at your throat.
Its this gashing and peeling, you can't let Go.....

You want to release, oh you want to release
You want to be free from this emotional dis- ease
Will it ever leave will it ever leave....
Im begging, I just want to sleep...

Your so exhausted now, its drained you
This feeling has some how maimed you
There is no name, no explanation for shame
No reasoning for the deep emptiness hurt leaves.

Its there, in your heart in your chest
In your brain covering the rest of you
its draining you, You can't fight it.

Its mandatory, like the physical pain you feel
after being punched in the mouth...
When he leaves when she dies, when they steal
when they lie....
You will ache, You live and you ache...
You feel and you ache, You feel and you feel pain.

Its part of being alive....
Its part of trying to survive....
You live., and you die

Say no more of your expectations upon me
for i have lived centuries under your laws
and in card board boxes and in fear.

Expectation of human thought has whittled me into less than.
How my mind was never nurtured to come to fresh conclusions
but only indoctrination and acceptance of age old beliefs.

Repression of rebellion has impacted my abilities
But will I continue this now that i have awoken to creation?

What tyranny lays with in the mind of all these marionettes
So above are those with using desire.
They force upon all that which they feel
which was forced upon them

How a child is forced into assimilation of knowledge
but then told it is of the only source.

And that first sculpting of the mind becomes like a concrete cage
and they reject themselves and all their creations
in acceptance of what they have been told they are.

Cry cry dear soul it is such travesty that you have been caged to some others dynasty.

and if you ever see the possibility, I beg you do not **** it.
take it by its talons and watch as you soar above and beyond the confines of what you thought you were, how we have been tricked into simplicity under the guise of complexity.

There is a full winged beast in every man waiting for ascension.

How that phoenix will rise from its own corruption and live still.