To absorbent to think clearly
Maimed in the mind of a million
Past perspectives.
She's been talking more lately
Whispering from the corner.
Sometimes I'm scared
I don't remember enough.
Are these just bruises on my arms
Or am I shooting up
In moments I'm not awake.
Or was I there and didn't care .
I can't tell.
I'm sober I think
But you never know about these things

Hot and Dripping like wax
Once lubricated toward gravity
In a slow creep down
I'll harden against you.

Scrape me off like yesterday's leftovers
Down the drain is where I seem to find
Home.

I'm past the point of resurrection

Shove me to the edge
And let me free fall from the dirt
Into the sky and upward
Like you had never seen before
In all the mortals that you shoved
I will be different.

Not an echo of appreciation
In this godforsaken pit  
And to all the love I ever gave
And got no requite.

I'm sorry the weight was not enough to hold you down.

Painted sea bound rocket queen
Writhing in the ocean
She moved amongst the wind and sun
And caused a beautiful commotion
She flailed her body to rid it of
All the chains and ropes and gestation
That had begun to coil around her throat
She screamed in desperation.

Oh cycles of the great unknown
I beg you bid me rest
I've given in to your forces
I've beaten in my chest

Forgive my incompetance.
The seed is gone
and I'm afraid
There's nothing here
but repentance.

Shut up
I'm edging rage
Beyond what I can
Contain.
Severed thoughts
Falling short
Oh the distance
Was to intense.
The gap just seemed to grow
And the places I always hoped
I will never ever go.
This mind falls short
In the space between your legs

Beat me into molded clay
Fashioned for only your impression
That's what I long to be.
Divined perfectly
Created meticulously
So you only collapse with in.
Submerge your being in the hole for its placing and the whole will become.

Somethings been let lose on the cities with in my mind.
It's tyranny nations wide.
I've been worshipping
Kurt cobain
As jesus christ.
I don't know why, it just feels right.
God's been talking lately
More and more
Breaking down the similarities
Between the ****** and the *****
And I'm okay right now
I really am .

Your beauty is nothing new.
I have a type.
The hair is just a variable
The teeth the eyes.

Your so similar to any one I ever loved.

But your so precious
So different.
So you.

I'll question the sanity of the world
I'll keep my darker thoughts to myself
I'll pretend trust is real.
I won't breathe.

I won't twitch
I'll stay in line.

Stoking those flames that bed under you
In my mind
They smoulder sometimes
And I blow them
Back to that flaming heat
And I think of you your mouth, your hands and your feet.
What a glorious creature that you can be.
Drug induced nature with eyes to see
Deep into my spectral nothing can be hidden
So you'll know my darkest rites
And you'll be thought ridden
Of all the guilt I hold
And all the fear of getting old
And all the ways you could stop caring about me.
All the ways you can give into instinct.

My spinal erosion is aching the ribs.
What a terrible way to wake up.
I don't mind.
I try not to.
The pressure stops with gravity.

I'm longing set in strive
Toward that which is best
Not bringing ocean tides
Down on pigeon nests.
A thousand different details

Oh wed never get along.
Pain in every memory.
Nostalgia in every song
And for some reason
I'm aware
I don't know you
I don't care.

Unfolding petals
slipping into sunlight
For its first day of expression
and it knows just what to do
but the rays scorch her soft tissue
and her color goes brown

how sadistic the father.

I punched m y self today
Amidst to many thoughts
And helplessness.
An over whelping hopelessness.
A tired soul an active mind
I've been thinking thoughts with to much weight.
Seeing people walk around living their lives is begining to make me feel
Like....
There's already enough going on in the world
Like plenty of people will do plenty of things.
Like what's the point in one more person fumbling their way through life.
I'm going I'm going.
But it's not out of hope.
It's put of guilt and fear.
When I think of my husband
While I think of my uselessness
I feel such a deep sorrow.
Not because I feel like he needs me.
But because I know that he loves me.
And I know that he would some how feel guilty.
And I'm tired. I'm so ******* tired. And I'm frustrated because I feel guilty. For being tired. And what sounds so lovely is sleep for ever. I don't hate myself. I don't even want to **** myself. I just don't want to be alive because my ******* tired. I'm so tired of day to day life that I could **** myself. I'm so tired of all of it. I love my husband very much. So so much. He is the sweetest most christ like being I have ever met and I am happy with him. I think he's perfect. There's nothing he could do to become a better person to me. It's not that that's not good enough. It's that I'm to tired. It's like having a really nice meal when your not hungry. You love it it looks great it smells great it makes you happy. But it doesn't make you hungry. I don't have much a a drive to be alive and I don't know why.......
I just wish I could hit the pause button shut everything off and nothing existed any more.
They say this is a temporary feeling... that it goes away..... but why does it always come back.

I sometimes feel like a leech
On the groin of a god
Forgetting what I'm here for
For something else.
Finding sustenance
In consumation
Losing track of giving
Falling into taking
Like some pleasure driven beast
I try to hold my apples
Within my chalice
I try to open my highways
Of transcendence
And ride the mental bliss toward wholeness of two
But this body cries
For seizure rapidity
And composer to fall down the drain.
And I struggle to be more than a worm.

God made the multitude of animals but adam was not so satisfied.
So from with in his own parts did God extract and seeking to please in intention.  
So eve came like some devil animal so apart from the thinking adam was left with.
Do we now see that women are apart from humanity.
Like a left winged bat stalking and sufficient where the moon waxes and wanes to and fro, where the seams quake.
Adam was not satisfied wholey.
So the animal was removed
Placed into being,
Now find peace.

The bottom of my tongue
has acid burns,
the voices in my head
have been taking turns.

And some times feels like a memory
half a day ago
from a dream.

I'm losing touch,
it would seem...

But I've been praying for serenity
for wisdom from a god.
I've been giving every thanks
I can think all day long.
Seems my darkest times are wired right between
the brightest of the lights I know I've ever seen.

Rising dragon fly wings navel bound
And spiraling upwardly beckoning sound
Emotion filling like sand in glass
Holding desire holding breath and then gasp.
Conscious sometimes places these
Things into my mind
Hard coated in flavor
Was never hard to find

In you.

Expansion is not easily enough comprehended
Concepts and perspective cause differences
So I know that what I'm saying
It probably won't reach you
Like I mean it to.
So I'll over explain.
You're everything.

Wither away some beautiful fruit
As Time caresses your sides.

Moments when you are gleaming
Hardened truth incased
And yet as days past it is seeming
I notice the time on your face.
Not good nor bad just something new.
Not known from my point of reference.
I wonder if I know you
If you always change...
I like things that grow though I want them stay the same.
Precious in my heart and soldered to their name.
But dead and gone are things have past
And many more to come.
And can i dance in time or will I just hold on.

Curious nature the most of that being.
Curious behaviour which I seem to be seeing
But nothing compares to what's under their hair.
You see nothing, only pretend you do.
You see the flower not the molecule.

Smelling more than just the scent
And cautioning myself to understand
Why I believe the roses smell so fond
Yet death could quicken my *****.
Edging up the back of my throat
In dry heave after gag
Begging me to stop breathing
Just to stop perceiving the sight of death.

No where to go as the mind never moves
Moving scenes tell me who I am.
Mythology crept into my existance
In every story book I ever read.
I'm seeing the roles we are choosing to play.
Moving the holes which seem to grow in the day.
Yet at night something strange.
At night there's rearrange.

Do you ever want something
Can't have nothing
Try to do something
Don't know nothing.
Try to move something
Can't lift anything.
Do you ever yearn
For some unknown
And become stricken by the panic.

Polished cardboard wet with angst.
Fringed across the air ways.
It's cuddled breathing
Clostrophobia.
I want to feel you in my nose and mouth
Like cat hair clinging to the moisture
And to my face.
Indescribable frustration as I attempt to wipe it away.
Futile.

Sounding off those ringing chords in my mind there's no explanation but I won't get myself into a fit. Panic never healed a thing. I'm wondering home much of this is orchestrated from behind the scenes and how many of the things i think are really mine. Is it possible.... no don't go to that thought. Night mare vision panic ensues. Keep it beautiful. Think it through. Beauty beauty only you. Maybe I'm safe, that's option two.

Say what it is that's been eating you
this grey washed suffocation
Your calling it home brother

Yet
we are far from where the flowers grow in the midst of grave yards for hours so
say what it is that's been eating you

through little holes in the bones
like bees in a tree
and your scratching now
yet nothing is come from your mouth

just seeping from those pores
who abused you son,
oh you from your mother's womb
your lovers heart
your mortal doom
your peace apart.
Whose closed your doors my child of nature my son of man
My divine favor.
Say what's been eating you
So we could bid it rest.

Holding you despite your thorns
I relish in your every twitch
The ones that send shivers down me
And the ones which embed in my skin
Affliction of some savage disease.
I understand you and purpose and drive
I know what I'm feeling inside.
Aware of the pressure in your brain and in your blood.
Aware of your spur your cane and your love.
Aware of this cyclic dangerous nature
Aware of this life and of some high creator.
I know you won't give more than you can receive, I know when your closing your pretending to leave I know in the end it will always be the same.
Kissing my wounds and healing your pain.
Some terrible control
Some quality Un known.
Some battle between
The me and the me.
Some trifling show
Of what I don't know
Some space In between
the pieces of me.

Watching the sun come up
So then I'm dancing in the rain
Feeling pleasure and such
So then I'm happy with pain.

And all these other simple things
Which life so wants to show me
And all these other simple things
Which life so wants to grow me.

And things which happen
It all has some purpose

In such silence I feel so full,
yet boredom creeps up under me
like desire for a whole new creation
and ripping tides my body wants to move my mind wants to think,
and when they can't decide which route to take,
I fear stagnation may spoil my cycles and death comes upon me.
Death Of the most treacherous kind where I'm trapped in my body,
trapped in my mind.
And why can't these archetypes know their own play,
yes why do they do that wich causes dismay.
And why am  i so powerless and where is my will. How fast is my time spinning and how long can I feel

Etching the memories into some memorable and pleasant recollection of what my mind sees fit and how things happened but I wonder if it wasn't so.
It's been three years, and some days and I feel a repetition.
I wonder i wonder I wonder.

Rain was my lover.
My friend in fire
And my sole consort
He held high his head on clouds
And water poured before me below him
In a constant cascading downward.
I was young, of only 4 and he my partner beside.
No one could view him
And they never knew him
But they tried to make him hide.
He withered away outwardly
But never left inside.
And i wonder what this being is.
He taught me of the great lie.
He told me  not to follow the walks
The books or the ******* to the other side.
I questioned my existance
By his persistence
And youngling I found something there .
A question that's been asking
And every where answering and time that's passing me by.

Wishing you the best in life , Fair tragedy
Fair loving stake , Fair breathing down your neck... Wishing you the most in life
The most in love, The most In your head.

Wishing you were closer than Arms distance away.
Wishing you were just inside me
Melted into my brain.
Why are you another being
I feel that we aren't so whole.
Two parts having been shredded
And now, These fleshen fleeces coverin my bones
And holding my mind with In it so lyingly.
I want your conscious to hold my conscious
I will be the subconscious
If that is what it takes
I will be the shrouded secretes
And you can be awake.
Just let me in

Sometimes I'm sick of waiting
for the retched evolution that's tiring this beaten body to the very brink of existance.
I'm not to selfish to try my might
But aging is tired and peace wants not fight.
How cold could my gaze be
How hard my heart. How longing I want for me to know what's my part.
BUT edging away from me is meaning and purpose
and I want to hold you.