You love me
With ever drop
of saliva
and tears
and *****....

You love me with ever severed vein
and bruise I put on my own face.

SO dysfunctional
when I punch myself
Like mother always
had done for me.

And I bruise pale greens
and people ask who hit me
and you cringe cause you
know exactly what their thinking

But inside we both know the truth
I hit myself I Abuse my youth.

the moment when. paint on brush
brush on canvas,
and you, you, you,
You can't seem to quite get it.
Your toes are curling under
Your mind becomes confused
what is this texture, color, and line
I need to use.

What am I miss,
What information dont I know
I thousand ways to stroke it
A thousand paths to go.

grogily I move about
sandy eyes in mornings drought
All alone in silence cleansed
All the wounds, in silence mends.

i'm quiet in my head and mind
I am no longer dead and blind
I am no long cynical
My cup is now half way full.

Here it is my crusification
here it is release of affliction
Here it is my hanging cross
suffer now, pay the cost.

Happiness is measured
By the pain you have weathered.

Not until then will you deserve a thing.

I think anatomy,
Guts twist and I am
Alive.
I think ******, and
fruit from us
and fetus lust
and atoms combust.

I think in utero
and fetal growth.

You wish and wash your *****
down and on the drain
You gave all of your healing
all away again.
So tell me is this instinct
or conscious want for you.
Being caused to be create
a mixture of us two.

I never fit in to
those one size fits all
catagories.
I was always to slim
or to wide.
and sometimes while listening to music
i can see myself and feel myself.
expand, or contract
and its like, in each phase of life i go through,
I'm either expanding
or shrinking.
and I dont know if one is good and the other bad,
but i know its sensational,
not painful, not joyful
its real.

A ****** is, a ****** was, a ****** here? a dime a dozen.
A ****** girl? just sixteen.
Choose to see life, a different sheen.
Needle never, needle then.
Needle why, in need of a friend.
Need some love, to warm my bones.
was frightened then, terribly alone.
A ****** was, a ****** why.
A ****** wished she could die.
A ****** lost it, skinny and sick.
all that's left, bones to pick.
A ****** disease, a ****** cure.
Don't know if you can recover for sure.
A good person now, a ****** then.
Hard to tell who might win.

Dark scented light,
to my immediate delight
shone on through my eye ways.
Nesting maggots in my eyes,
I've mistaken god for flies.
Building up to what i was,
newness to an old impostor,
faking till you think im softer.
Satan came with darkness tongue.
Liquid acid licked me till I's numb.
Newness to an old impostor
changing lifes take what your offered.
Drugs and needles, lying thief.
woke up dead to my relief.
Gave my arm to doctor havoc.
swelled my vein you cannot have it.
Broken seal, mid elbow bend.
I know what I've done, but everyone has sinned.
Waking night in cold cold sweat
when it comes to dope wish we never met.

Stand back my dear I am far to hot to touch.
Get away from here, stand out of my clutch.
You dont want this heart to hard to find
You dont want to change this cynical mind.

Stand back my dear, Stand down
Leave my house, and leave my town.
Leave this choking heart to drown.
Stand by my dear.

Stand by my love and watch me rot.
Watch me suffer, while you plot.
Think you'll save me, I can't save myself.

Get away my love You want some one else.

Breathe on me baby, tell me I'm cool.
I bloodied my wrists, you know I'm a fool.
Breathe on me honey you know I'm a mess.
cuts right above the hem of my dress.

Breathe down my neck, smother me alive
Tell me you love and that you'll never die.

Leave me alone I dont want you hear.
I dont want you to hear,
The falling of my tears...

Get away from me love, I am to filled with hate
You want to save me, but my cynicism says its to late

Tell me I'm cool, tell me I'm punk,
Tell me I'm spontanious and filled with *****.
Tell me I'm beautiful bleached blonde and all.
Tell me You wont catch me cause you'll never let me fall.

I can be Sid and You can be Nancy
You can be Jesus and I will be Mary.

Dare not to make me enter
Into truth speaking conference
With you I may just let it all
Loose
and then who would keep it tight.

Dear God you know not the things which enter
My mind.
You know not the many ways men have become
So Blind.
You will however wake up, be it now,
in a decade
In a century
and it will feel like a mild injury
assault in the first degree.
You will lick your wounds.
You found out to soon,
Always find out to soon.

I'm sitting watching letters fly
Words come  in spurts
I watch the meaning die

These people, they talk
My do I hear them
Toward trauma they flock
what mad delirium

You speak of love, you say
I want it
You speak of life, you say
I love it.

But then you show me that decay
Your breeding
Then you tell me that you'd pay
to stop bleeding.

You are killing yourself
In the name of finding something
Worth living for
and I dont see the point,
I see no point at all.

No I dont get the reasoning
In causing the fall.

I find my self infatuated
The thought of you
Center me in aspiration
For a better life.

Your cream is thought of
Purity
Your cream is thought of
pleasing me
You center me in thoughts of you
In aspiration for a better life.

The thought of you eases my pain mor eeffeciently than any narcotic or numbing agent known to man.
You see me and you love and for this I can  never truly express my gratitude.
You have take the girl who no body ever seemed to love.
My friends, my family, I was there for comic relief.
No one saw the sense in me...
But you sweet and innocent showed them all how valued I truly should have been and with that You left them alone, and took me, with you.
I have been chosen, by an angel, by God, By LUCK itself to be given unto the most beautiful of men to walk this earth.
Christ what ever did i do to deserve this happiness in love.
I suppose all those days spent suffering in youth were the bargain.
Deal well made.

Oh honey, you plagiarize strokes of dead legends
But thats just because deep with in you are of them
You do things only you could do, which make my mind bend
but then again its you who I always think of with wisdom.

You greatly seperate yourself from those and what is not
Like a golden God is not a calf but a dying fruit is rot.
You question my movement and intention
but see through all the rest into what I am truly.

You know the fires of my ***** burn for your desire
and that this beacon I am streaming is made only for one.
You know that the winds of my plains scream one name
they only scream one name....

And its you, love of a thousand lives
Oh its you, Love like this never dies.

Bitter juice you make me spit
single heart in silence sit
Minds eye sees beyond constriction
Soul ties broken remove restriction
Let your eyes stream to mine
Let your soul release confine
let your heart beat so loud
Sew the ties and make me proud
Love me like you love your God
Love me, i will raise mine rod
Show me how to let you win
I will eat all of your sin.

Spring leaf You reach so new
To me you stretch to grow
Spring leaf your fingers long
You sketch in flesh a song

Caves which lead to light
You rub along the walls
Movement and the rite
Of tantric water falls.

Orchids colored flesh tone
and you and me and you
SO glad I will never be alone
you in me and you in me

I love to think out loud
just for your reciprocation
You have made me proud
Gained my adoration

You have loved my soul
Loved me in ways in which
you have made me whole
Spring leaf, finger tip

I feel like there is nothing I should Hide.
You touch me and I like that,
Why keep anything locked inside
Its music and I like that...

It happened, yes just like that.

Giving to you was something
I never really understood.

In my mind idea's were formed.
And to love you was simple.

I knew nothing of giving.
I only knew, receive, admire.

I am a woman.

But I have taught myself to forgo
the urge to receive,
and I have taught myself to learn
the pleasure of giving.

And when you say its instinct
and you think you like it better...
When you say its spiritual
and not just secondary weather....

I see the reason.

with in me and then butter flies.

You never even know

i move out ward like wind chimes sing across feilds in farming states.

I am unified like a thousand black birds moving in a storm.

Feel me, I am waves and vibration.

The wind moving across the earth pushing you.

I am the effort God puts in to life.

If I'm honest, your form captivates me.
The skin wrapping around flesh and skull
I could stair for ever, just shaping you up.
The way it pulls down the neck, Around the shoulders.

Oh you are this creature, whom I adore.

Can we say that *****
is a  million baby lives
and if I am the Demon
then you were my strife

Can we say that *****,
should never touch the floor,
A million tiny babies,
Save them! I implore.

I am not a *******
I find pleasure in just such
But if you want me to be impressed
Just try to win my trust

And if your ***** leaves you
For better or for worse,
If I am leaning into you
If we are at the church

and if you want me to
If you have that thirst


I will take your life, an essence
A precious serum for truth
A billion tiny babes,
the key to capturing youth.

We can make our own world,
a Code a mind to train.
You can be my childs father
I will bare your mothers pain.

today I tearfully sigh at everything
Not sadly not joyfully
but tearfully.

My face reddens as I listen to the words of others.
Here the sound of the birds out side,
think of my dear friends and lover.
The tears will fall, i can not hide.

Have you ever just ... not thought at all

And in that moment felt a call

a deep panging with in your chest
a deep desire for a very deep rest.
A gull in  your throat, climbing out
emotion from your gut attempting to sprout.

Hot tears will roll and for no reason
You feel this emotion like you are aware of the season.
You know what it is, and that it will be leaving.

But in this moment, its forever and its real,
its the only thing touching you, the only thing you
Feel

You string me like a fish
on the edge of a lake
wanting to swim
but it hurts to take

I see the water and the sun
beaming down
I feel like I am the only one
tied to the ground

Who are you hear, reeling us in
who are you hear, giving our end.

I feel like a fish
strung on the bank
and before i get released
it will be far to late

A snake wich bares its teeth
and sprays a milky sap
grab its tail by the stream
don't let it turn back

Yesterday was groovey
but now is such a face.

When I saw you in the movie
I was hoping to slow your pace

When I saw loving others
when I saw you smiling there
when I saw you under the covers
I wanted to touch your hair.

And now I am so glad,
I missed those sharp fangs,
and that white sap
I am so Glad,
I didn't get bit by that.

Have to want but
still can't touch
and if you want me
just not to much.

Bring me hate and
circumcise
Ween to late
with yellowed eyes

You sicken the air your breathe
and its something which interests me
to see you play a cest pool table
to see you try when your not able.

You bubble reference
peaked to the city
High in count
still not looking pretty

I want for love but
I need for desire
Peaked in the city
still count could be higher.

In moments like this my ears burn
I want you to hear this but need you to learn
and If i say it too soon you will reject
but if i subtly drop a hint, you may deflect.

Being true to our humanity and the truth with in
Has proven difficult but well worth it in the end.

I have watched as those around me become more aware
and I have watched my self grow as well.

When you speak of the things which are never let out
they begin to show you a different way.

I'm like a being of speed and light and agility.
I sway in mad vibration from room to room.
My mind has found wells of new fertility,
and every single petal on my truth will soon bloom.

No one will tear my petals away.

A am a million times unfolding in quiet rooms
In parking lots
In grocery stores

I will force you to feel my presence
You will know my light and love
You will hear my voice and think
differently

The words i speak will change you
as they have changed me.

I am constantly unfolding
in rented houses
in coffee shops
on the highway

Bringing reality to the conversation...

Yeah but how did that make you feel
Okay, but why was that the decision you made.
Did it hurt when your mother passed away
Were you feeling to much pressure
have you ever made a mistake,
and before you answer

know I won't judge, I love you
I want to help you....
Just tell me how it felt when you knew it was real

When you knew it was over,
when you couldn't stop the feel.
Tell me why your angry
and tell me why your hurt

Tell me why deep inside your feeling very burnt.
Your feeling very jaded and you think your shouldn't be
So you've cut yourself off, from them and her and me.

You think your don't deserve to feel justified in this life...
You think you have to struggle alone with all your strife.

Not true, not true,

I am unfolding always
In letters sent to the prison
In Texts to long lost friends
In Conversations on the phone

In saying some things, sometimes, to soon for you to understand....

But you'll get there, I am helping you.

I inhale your breath as you sleep
like some secret ingredient is found
in your rest and only I can have it.

I taste your lungs and feel the moisture from you body
I am delighted in connection.


This precious air I am breathing, straight from you, my Love.

This precious air.

You open your eyes and like that I am stunned
they seem to sparkle brighter than any sun

You catch my breath, in your throat and I can not breathe any more
I have to hold my breathe just to look into your eyes
Just to completely allow all of it to flow
between you and I.

You know the feeling, you know the way,
You know theres nothing either one of us could say.
You know this tide, this circuitry
this stream between you and me.

Its electric like we are one,
Its like Im the moon and your the son.
Its like we take turns being eachother
like You were my father and I'll be your mother.
Like I am your sister and you are my brother.
Like my soul is your soul and we are the same.
Like all of this life is just one silly game.

Sudden movement scares me,
But I will breathe smoke until my brain hurts.
Until my eyes strain to focus and the inscent
completely fills the room and my lungs.

Don't ever lean toward my front door because
I will feel you leaving
and I will lose all common since
all maturity.

Tongued tied I sometimes lie
for the satisfaction of speaking
when i know not what to say
and I am working on this habit
trying to learn a new way
but if you get me in this moment
and you try to tear me down
my ego will be fighting
you will have to shove me in the ground.

Because some things keep me going
and some keep me alive
and some things keep on growing
and some they will die
but I can tell you something
God did get it right
cause everything I need
is found right in my mind.

"Do you like me" she blushes
all child like, pretending innocence and purity.
"i like u" he says
all wishing she weren't so filled with insecurity.

This is the role you play when you play in love.

Who will be the savior, the peasant and the Dove.

Who will play the child and who will play the son.

Who will play the mother, when her season comes.

"but do you love me" she asks, smiles and childish charm.

"i love you" he says as he holds to her arm.

You Wrinkle time
When you wink your eye
and I am lost in the furl of it.


You cast streams of flooding light
and I'm lost in the brightness of it.....

You whisker whisper thoughts of dreams
Desire rips her dresses seam.

You seem healing, yet ******

and in my desire for you I find myself giving.

Similar feelings have never arisen in this body.
I am filled in my core with electric
Wishing Washing, Cascading, lightly
up through my center, up through my chest
With in me, are waves of unexplainable.
Tides of Ecstasy, moving.

Laughing, crying waves of  emotion.
The music touches me, the thought of silence

touches me

You touch me.

I see the sky and I feel the wind, and God Touches me.

and I am filled with ecstasy.


How could I ever lose sight
of a feeling so true
A light that is so bright
shining at me from you

A son in the sky
A quarter till two
An Eternal life
A Half wanned Moon

And when the Stars pulse I surge
and when the Sky speaks, I learn
and when You touch me I feel
and when I  Breathe deep

I can tell you everything thats wrong,

Who knows whats real,

*who knows whats real

You draw conclusions on your own time
I'm fit for the shoes I wear at night
and when you see me in your own  mind
You know what I said must have been right.


I have petted to many friends into corners
To many breaks to make ammends
Sell me my own ideas for quarters.
And why would I eat It all up.

They done it once again and again and again.

Service never was required
by those who said they want me hired.
They all know Im really to tired
SO get off of my back.


Why have we given in to this completely embarrasing
totally outdated way of living,  I dont know, I will never know.

You count them like the blessings
they fall down from the sky
You wear it like a dressing
and you think you'll never die.

You can cover it up for ever
It rots, hidings not clever
Infection will be coming soon
and you die by the charge of the full moon.

Yes you were pulled into a losing battle
Because you refused to change
and when you slipped of the saddle
You still couldn't grab life by the reigns.

The ocean climbs the earth
and we have learned to respect the tides
But You will turn back to dirt
if thats the place you try to hide.

She sees life in its glow
she never even stuttered
in the darkest of the  moments
She always simply uttered

"life is beautiful, Life is beautiful, I am lucky to be"

And in the darkness as she huttled, hugging a knee
whimpering tearfully,

"life is beautiful life is beautiful, I am lucky to be"

"life is potential and I am living, and I get to be me"

"and this pain I am feeling, how ever long, is temporary"

"one day things will change I will move, alive or dead"

"and the things that will be left will only have been those in my head"

"Life is potential and I am alive"

"Pain is sufferable, and I will survive. "

I scream when I speak
to many things unknown
when  I followed a creek
is when I founded my home
when I lay in the waters
and let them push me by
I saw many sons and daughters
all reaching toward the sky
they spoke of renewal,
of finding a better state of mind
they say that few will
for it is ever hard to find
You must give your self to change
becoming only better
or worse
but i choose the first
Because i want to reach for the tops of the trees
and I want to search for whats beyond church
and whats beyond hell and ******* people over.
Being selfish all the time and never being sober
I want something different. A better kind of life.
I want a new challenge, a different kind of strife.

I'm done with this circle, the one I've been running.
I'm done with the cycle, the repetition stunning.
I am moving in sways, in spirals in spirals,
Circles return and experience is viral
I want transcendence
I want revival
I want independence
I want a new trial.

I have found no end to

suffering or happiness.

I have seen them come and go.

You croak in fetal compression
Dare you expend to much life.

Breathe not outward

Move with in the cracks of your own foundation
Seep into the very spaces which make you weak
Fill them with the sentimental grain of yourself

Expand the distances between inner walls
and fill the spaces with the thickest parts of you.

Carpentry has always been a trade
for those who need more.

I can no longer write
what must come out now is feeling
No words just color, line and texture.

Your lips look like shades of summer morning sky
and when i look into your eyes the reflections seem like clouds
hovering over two pristine earths, all blue with patches of brown.
You make me stutter and stop directly in my path
I must pause just to look at you, gaze at you, feel that love
that flows so effortlessly between us.

Your eye brows are like the grasses that cover plains so delicate
or like the soft hair whiskers of a feline they protect you in such subtle ways. and I appreciate them for the sweat and dirt that they have help out of those beautiful eyes.

The creases around your face all seem to point to the most effortlessly perfect parts of you and they accent them so humbly.

Enough enough I love you okay.

Uncover your face
I am sick of knuckles
with glistening whites
showing through the cracks.

You can't hide from me any more.

I adore you.

treacherous

You can't save  me when I am here
you can't make me.
You scoped out the information and you brought it to a boil
You measured all the degradation an you showed the inner toil
I never meant to hurt you, say it to me again
I never  meant to burn you with boiled information.

But you did and you did and you did and you did again.

You hurt me, like I never hurt you and you burned me like you wanted too
and you said you would never again
but you did and you did and you did and you did
you did it you did it you did it again.

You showed me the  sticky, dark black tar. that hides on the inside
and always leaves scars.
You showed me the ugly, the broken up mess, you showed me the danger as you showed me the stress

and you said Its not me its the anger this the others its life
is the momentary danger of being over come by strife
and I said leave it to me, to bring that out
yes leave it to me, to be the one to make you shout.
Leave it to me, I can always do it
Leave it to me, I can always ruin it
Ruin the Good mood, I can always prune it
Prune back the life
destroy and destroy it
leave it to me,
I am the dumb one.

I've said to much although I haven't said enough

To explain to you the depth of my inner trials.

there is something with in me or around me
and its been trailing me for miles.

Seams so sacred
Till you rip them open
then inside
You've exposed them
rotten sutures
thread destroyed

Silly ideas
You thought
and you toyed

Never work out
You thought and  employed
a thousand wrong examples
To explain the right idea.

A million wrong translations
For a single right idea.

Love your fellow as you would yourself.

I AM antiquity.
The dust of a thousand years covers my cracks.
I leave no one behind as they all have been had

in my wake.

I am the trembling of the shadows moving across this earth.
Each day creates new riffs and each night new notions of fear.

rhythm, idea, rhythm.

Dream build dream.

We have been moving from ice age to tropical forest
from frozen oceans to heated deserts

We weave through out creation moving with the tides
of season.

Summer winter
Day and Night
Micro Macro.

I am like a child and I know.
I thought you did too.
I adjust kind of slow
And I am dependent on you.

So in the store today
When I didn't want to talk
You told me to leave
out to the car i should walk.
You handed me the keys
You looked kind of angry.
I quivered in my knees
I needed you to save me.

Alas alone, I scream like I'm angry.
My frustration leaves and it drains me.
I cry deeply for awhile,
why do you have to be mean to me.
I know childish isn't in style
but its the way I am and the way I'll always be.

You told me when you got back
that the childish **** needs to stop
if you ask me to try out a bed
that I can't glaze over like the ***** been dropped.


You say things like, annoying, and lack of common since
And these words are destroying and I am building a new fence.
One around me, you wont see over it.

I dont care about the mattress you can choose it
I just want a new one, the old one I want to loose it.
I just want a flat bed one not sinking in
I dont want to go talk with sales men
I need you to do that please.

I'm counting on this mind to open up
I am counting on this heart to not close shut.

my eyes are all  three strained,
and my spinal cord feels maimed

This light, this information you have given me
Why does it cause such strain on my body
Why do I grow weaker at first
just to shoot through the crown with a might burst.


What is this life to live for,
why have I never opened any doors
why have i always longed for something more.

Can you tell me why am I here...
Why have I become, why was I born
AM I any one. Can you tell me my name,
who am I truly.
Open my eyes.

I hate this world and I hate this mind.
I hate these feelings and I want to be blind.
Please stop what your doing, stop dipping in my brain.
Stop all of your healing, Please refrain, Now Refrain!
I will tell you What I like and I will tell you what I want
You can't make me, not tonight, You cant make me love anyone.

I hate this world, and I ******* hate these feelings!

Leave me be  I dont want you.
I dont want to , be anything more
I want death to become me, no given eternity.

Did you ever want to die, just lay your body down and disappear.
That never made since to me, I always enjoyed it here.
But now your telling me, I have better places to go.
If this isn't it, then I wanna go home.
I wanna go home, where ever that is.
Dead in the groound, stress clenched fist.
Dead asleep, wouldn't be better than this.

You speak to me in moments of apprehension and letting go.
You have given something to me and its clear I know.
God is this you, or some of your workers...
A thousand beams of light .
A voice in the darkness, saying, love you can see me
Just open your eyes.
I am gleaming Burning, SO bright.

Dear God if thats you, then why am I here...

If this isn't home Then I want to go.

The rabbit hole was hidden under

Infatuation and love so deep

That I didn't see it when i moved

And I fell quickly because it was so steep.


And now as I drift from side to side
Floating as a feather
I am wondering about the earth
and about her fair weather

As down in here I see not green or blue

But brown and roots.

I have been taken to the under belly

Mothers lair under ground.

The rabbit lead me in
the Hatter made me found

and what shall I do
But sew much and many
Seams must be closed
and mind must be plenty

Sweet talking delirium
Am I losing my composer
Or are these ancient spirits
truly drawing closer

Have I been given some key
Some formatted puzzle
Something to see
Beyond a rebuttal

Beyond some words that can be drawn false