I am the hurt you can't ignore,
dilemmas you wish not to explore
I am that feeling you cant shake,
the flashy white smile you know is fake.

I'm the tale of a broken heart - sailing through a shattered mind
I am the endless search - for the things you can not find
I am all of the times - you wish you could rewind.
I am the light that shines - only to leave you blind.

I am the anger that they feed
I am the task you cant succeed
I am the garden full of weeds
I am the open wound that bleeds

I'm the tale of a broken heart - sailing through a shattered mind
I am the endless search - for the things you can not find
I am all of the times - you wish you could rewind.
I am the light that shines - only to leave you blind.

I am the lies that you thought were true.
I am the ties that are binding you.
I am the aroma of decay
I am the trash that you throw away.

I am the unwanted.

prickly little thoughts
rudely address me
in the quiet
of the air conditioned
hidey-hole
i've spent my summer in.

thoughts like:
you're a *******
you're going to die here
they think you're joking
you should tell the truth, sometime
maybe it'd
be nice
why can't my face be
the way i want it
why can't my
stomach
be flatter
why can't
mom just
spontaneously combust
so i can have
my family back
why
why
why
you are
you are
you are

.
..
...
....
...
..
.

i talk a lot about
flying

i like the idea
of it

it doesn't even bother me
that those that fly, fall

i'll cheat the system
i'll have a rope

catch
me

i am finally
truly
impossibly
entirely
exhaust-ed
i am the waste
left over
from too much
being
and everything in me
is screaming
red
let me
rest
so i lay my head
on my pillow
but it pushes me off
says
i don't know you
get off me
and it
hurts.

baby is
so sleepy
but baby cannot remember
how to sleep
even her pillow
has forgotten
how to cup her head
and comfort
her
aching
neck
pillow,
be kind
please
i am so
so
tired

...i spent too much of today missing my mother
even thought i hate
everything about her
mommy,
come help me
remember how to sleep
you used to rock me
so
gently.

mom was soft
like a cushion
when you sat on her lap as a child
and rested your cheek against her shoulder
she was better
than any
bed.

mothers should be soft.
i have come to this conclusion.
mom was never very thin
she was a perfect plump
with red cheeks
and rainbow eyes
and thin,
rough
dishwater fingers
that would stroke your cheek
and sing the goodnight song
she made up
just for us.

i don't like rainy nights.
it makes me feel like the whole world is crying.

They filled you up
too much
now you have to cry
the constant
"Them".

i took
2600mg
of ibprofen
and my body feels numb
i wonder
how much more i can take
until the big lake in my chest
that is trying to escape out my eyes
will feel better

it feels good to sob.
the familiar tomb-embrace of my room
comforts me
but i want to take my heart out
with this knife i cut my arms with
and step on it until it is quiet.

someone make me feel better
anyone
please
.

wine and
pistachios
(the expensive,
shelled ones)
at 6am.

one might say that
baby is refined
but baby is really
just an ugly drunk.

take me to a carnival, please.
just make sure you
protect me
from all the people
(big crowds
**** me off)
and don't win me
a stuffed animal
let me
do it
myself
but
tell me
how
wonderful i am
afterwards.
hold my hand
maybe just a little
give me
light kisses
on my lips
smile at me,
baby
baby needs a smile
sometimes
too.

some people have
really nice clothes
and
really nice cameras
to take pictures of themselves
in their clothes
with
and they
put them all over the internet
so they can say without saying
that they are better
than me
and i guess that's alright.
i don't have that kind of money for clothes
and even if i did
i hope i wouldn't be like them
plastering themselves on facebook
in edgy poses
painted with instagram filters
i hope i would be like i am now
a twenty year old girl
who buys new clothes twice a year
but adopts books like newborn babies
and can smile
genuinely
when the lord wills
a touch of
happiness

i guess what i'm trying to say
is
your designer jeans hurt my feelings
as does your expression
but i wouldn't want to
be you.