little brother,
you could have the pink in my cheeks
if it made you happy.
you could have the spring in my step
(although it has been quite small
these last two years)
to play with.
you could have my rise
and my
shine
although i haven't seen them
for so long
i hardly remember what they look like
...i'll find them for you.
you could have
the golden apple
of my eye
a pretty play thing
to make you smile
you could have
all the sunshine
green grass
and cool water
that has ever befriended me.

i'd let you have it all
if i were only allowed to give it to you
if i could only
see you
without the crater in my chest
trying to eat me from the inside
if i could only
bear the sight of our mother
if i could only
stop cutting
if i could only
pretend better
if i could only
let you snuggle up against me
without crying
and making you wonder why
if i could only
be better for you
if i could only
do a lot of things
that i owe you...
little brother
i wish i was
stronger.

pick me up
play with me
accidentally
drop me
mommy
throws me
away.
i lie in a plastic can for
two days
get wrapped up
put outside
in the fresh morning air
for
two hours
picked up
dumped
into a big truck
with other people
just
like
me
we take a roadtrip
try to see
what there is
to see
but the view
is pretty ******
we all have a convention
in a big, loud building
we talk about
what we did wrong
and what really wasn't
our fault
some don't even
talk
because they are
too broken...
...we are suddenly
put back together
(in a sense)
back into
working order
crushed into
orderly cubes
so not one of us
hangs loose
they
file us away
where we stay
and stay
and
stay
rejects
of a society
that broke us

years from now
i will look back
at all my summers
and get super nostalgic
probably.

people keep asking me
"so Red...what are you doing this summer?"
and then smile at me
like i have something
exciting to tell.

i *******.
for like
four minutes
until they get bored
and
walk away
because honestly
i have spent this entire summer
staring
at
a
wall
in my bedroom.
not even an interesting wall
outside of my house
...nope.

i have spent this summer
in various ridiculous positions
on my bed
or floor
in front of my laptop
trying to figure out
why this ***** so much
and why i can't
go out anywhere
and why whenever i do
i wish i hadn't.

maybe because
i'm tired of trying to make my life sound
PC
and exciting
when it isn't
and the people that ask
don't really care if it is
anyway
they just want something new to say
around the dinnertable
to more people who don't care if i'm alive or dead
but only care if i'm
lazy
then they'll
talk about me

yeah....
i think i'll just stay
in here.

two seconds,    i planned
just one moment to love you,
but  those two seconds    drag on:
                          two hundred days, a smile, a night's passage,
                            two years, another winter;
                  leave, return, repeat.
this cycle of wanting you,
  and never wanting to
                       but, who am i,
           to tell me what to do?
                              two weeks, a pulling of sinew:
                                            an arm loose,
                        a finger,                   tracing lines on the floorboards
                                   'cause i don't
                                               want to stand up,
anymore.
                           i'll just lie here,
                      ok?
            like i lie to you,
every time i don't speak,
hoping you will,
hoping you'll say,

                   you're not sorry
anymore.

i am so tired
of staring at these four walls
that define my existence
but whenever i leave them
i wish i was
in their stranglehold
embrace.
everyone wants to know
why i won't do this
or why i don't do that
or why i can't sleep
and i always tell them
that there is nothing wrong with me at all
and that would be true
if the small movies
of my childhood
didn't play against my eyelids
every time i try
to rest my tired
spine
daddy,
i am not
fine.

i have decided to have a dream
in which i run away
drive for a very long time
in the summer heat
listen to bad music
blare at me
on cracked roads
until i arrive
at the sea
where i will jump in
and let it hug me
until i no longer
breathe

i wish i could be a bird
and accidentally eat uncooked rice
at someone's wedding
that i only attended
because there were so many interesting people
that wanted to
thoughtlessly **** me
just so i could die
and blame someone
other than myself
for it