you are a beautiful little box at the bottom of my screen.
and somehow i am always shocked
when you want to talk to me.
the first thing i remember you saying
involved naked women and steak
and we were
twelve...
you're more awkward
than anyone i've ever met
and
the way you carry yourself speaks of unfamiliarity
with everything
and i feel like two planets trying to smash together
to make one
when we talk
because somehow
we never get
our point across...

...but
i
spent several years of my life loving you
a quiet little box
on the bottom of my screen
and you spent several years
loving a girl
with the prettiest feet
i ever saw

...i feel ok about this now.

dave,
i would make you pancakes
but instead i wrote you this poem.

i blame a lot.
i blame myself
i blame the people around me
i blame the people that left me
i blame this town
i blame my family
i blame
i blame
i blame.

but what if no one is to blame.
what if this actually is just some freak of nature
and this is just how the universe plays out
a sick dance of broken family trees
a pageant frilled up
for all the soul ******* humans
to see
and partake
maybe i was meant to be awake
maybe sleep isn't for me
for a reason
maybe i'm supposed to be the alive one
maybe dying makes you breathe
maybe i'm just not seeing
what i'm supposed to see
maybe everything is backwards
like my sister's overalls
at her backwards birthday party
when we were
three
maybe
maybe
maybe...

maybe destruction is actually


d       e             s              t             i      n         y

You are the systole to the diastole
Of my four-chambered cavity
You are the pulmonary rhythmic control
That fills air to my capillary.

You are the Pituitary Gland
That drowns my bloodstream in dopamine
You take my brain to a wonderland
Drunk and overdosed in Seratonin.

You are the only Mitochondrion
That powers all cellular activity
My Cytoplasms are in motion
For the sexiest Golgi Body.

You are the ultimate synapse
In my every granule of neuron
That gives an involuntary prolapse
To both my dendrite and axon.

He only did
what a man was supposed to do
for the woman he loves
which was anything,
and everything
but it all seems so criminal now
and he was most certainly guilty,
So he sits in his cell
built by his own words and actions
with only his memories to keep him company
replaying his evil deeds
and contemplating the motive behind them
for it is all he has left to embrace

because your everything and anything
      means nothing when its a one way ticket to solitude.

Yes I wrote a book
it was on my bucket list
or at least thats what I say
since its mainly dismissed
Just sold my 57th copy
I suppose thats not too bad
because its 57 more copies
than if I never had.

He's beautiful.
I watched him look out the window for me
Not knowing I was right behind him
I was nervous to be right beside him
But he wanted me there
Maybe forever
He scooped me from the ground for no reason
Besides that he missed me
And every time I laughed to replace my blushing
My heart would melt just because of how cute his baby face was when he'd poke those succulent lips out and drop his head into my chest and put his arms around me just to say
He missed me even if it was only 6 days

I watched him reject any and all plans with his friends as they watched him cuddle me
And I could only laugh because for the first time I was the reason someone wasn't going anywhere
For the first time I could confidently say
He's not going anywhere
He's fine right here with me

Hours passed and with each minute my attraction grew because he respected my prescience
Ignoring all those calls, neglecting literally hundreds of texts
I wanted him because he snored on my chest with his arm around my stomach so I couldn't move
While I felt all the moves with his twitches that nightmares bring
I wanted him because when his friend says "she's about to leave" he responded "she ain't going no where"
And I wasn't, but I did want to feel him, show him how much I appreciated the feeling of being wanted

I got so comfortable I fell asleep, and I awoke to the sight of his beauty as he stepped out the shower and it was the best way to wake up
Built like a statue I said
So finely shaped in all departments
So strong that he controlled my movements
A masterpiece, he's beautiful.

I lost control in your room.

My head hit the pillow
My breathing became shallow
Gasping, trying to hold it together.

Nothing registered into my mind
I couldn't hear a single sound
Except my mantra,
Keep it together
Do not *****
Spinning around and around.

I was shaken to my core
I didn't think I could control it anymore
Until you wrapped your arms around me
Anchoring me to the floor.

You brought my face to your chest
Caressed my hair and cheek
And my breaths hissed
And tears fell
Each one of them meeting your kiss.

It's okay
You are safe
I've got you
You can let it out
I love you

You had a mantra of your own.

And you held me for God knows how long
Making sure the feeling was completely gone.
Even when my breaths became fuller
And the tears had subsided
You still held me close
Because the trigger had decided
To enter my mind and start at me again.

And then it officially stopped
My anxiety finally left once more
And you were the only thing in the world
Keeping me anchored to the floor.