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haley Jul 2013
we all are spinning
like tops
on wooden tables
so unstable that
one breath
is all that is
needed to send us
i wrote this 2 years ago, and just edited it...not really sure if i like it.
haley Nov 2014
I know I must be hard to love.
my body is all sharps angles, stretched tall
and draped with gold.
when you need me,
I'm hard as steel, twice as cold.
when you forget me, I'm soft as water, drowning
in myself.
my mother jokes, "don't ever get married."
I laugh, tell her I won't.
I try not to think about it.
I don't know what I want.
haley May 2013
for every time
i get high off your attention
there is an inevitable crash.
i want only to crawl into bed
each time
and sleep away the betrayal
(that isn't really betrayal).
but sleep is hard to come by
and hard to endure
when my dreams are only of you.
and the hardest part
is that i know
that i have not crossed your mind
haley Jul 2013
shadows on the surface
of the lake
remind me
of darker days

just like the darker
of your
haley May 2013
i love you.
your words make me dizzy;
my thoughts like ants who've lost their trail.
i hate you.
one glance sends the blood rushing to my face;
i can hear my heart pound like waves against a stony shore.

get out
of my head.

i love you
because you're sweeter than honey
and sharp as a tack.
i love you
because you make me laugh
and make me feel special.

i hate you,
because you love

and yet you still have my heart.
dear ****r,
sometimes i wish we weren't friends.
haley Apr 2016
he sees the ocean in my eyes
ringed with sunshine (he provides)
he looks at me so steady
holds my gaze until I laugh and look away
brushes the hair from my cheek
and whispers
"you are gods perfect creation"
and I feel something in me
he is the closest I will ever get
to holiness.
if religion felt like this,
I would kneel with the best of them.
haley Nov 2013
this is not a poem about love;
this is a poem about understanding.

this is a poem about how it feels to look in the mirror
and smile
and not hate myself - at all.

this is not a poem about overnight changes;
this is a poem about glacial speed.

this is a poem about how monoliths of ice carve rivers
into solid earth
over the course of a millennium.

this is not a poem about you.
this is a poem about not needing you.

this is a poem about not need you to tell me
i'm "pretty"
to know that i'm enough.
**** people who write confidence off as cockiness. it is okay to be confident. in fact, it's great. love (or at least accept) yourself.
haley Jul 2013
in our youth,
we often pretended
and believed
that we were not
what we were.

i have realized lately
that it became
a habit.
haley Aug 2013
i know
that you know
that i loved you
when you tolerated me
and now
i will never
be able
to face you
and now
when i am forced
to see you
my mouth fills
with an acrid taste
and now
instead of smiling
my lips curl down
in the corners
when you meet
my eyes
with yours
my heart still
flutters with nerves
and i know
yes, i know
that you
are no good
for me.
haley Apr 2014
i have become an expert in the art of deep breathing
to offset anxiety.
my heart still races like a runaway train
but i’ve learned to reconstruct the brakes
just in time to spare us the crash.
i’ve discovered that my bones are made of stone
and my skin is a thick hide
that your words can no longer puncture.
i watch as your sharp insults reflect off of me
and find their way back to you
where they embed themselves
and speed along your decay.
haley Jul 2013
life has stripped me
of the ability to shed a tear

my throat tightens
a clenched fist
in my esophagus
making breathing painful

and still no
******* tears
haley Sep 2014
i hope when that song comes on
your lips curl up before they curl down

i hope when the first note registers your remember happy moments
the long runs in autumn
the conversations held at 1 am
the days spent just lazing in each other's company
the unforgettable concerts

and i hope that when the second note registers,
your stomach drops and your heart soars up in your throat

i hope a lump like a coal forms in your throat
and salt water rivers course down your face

i hope i ruin all of your favorite songs

i hope it burns you when i leave
haley Jul 2015
I eat overripe fruit
bags of chips
bowls of cereal
and drink hot
cups of coffee
hundreds of water bottles
leave everything strewn about
for weeks.
my clothes lay mixed
clean and *****
covered in dog hair
I can't bear to organize.
every item shifted
reveals an image of you,
some remnant from a time
forever lost.
haley Sep 2013
the changing leaves
spark a fire in me
that doesn't reach
my finger tips
my eyes
haley Nov 2013
you are the sun,
pulsing with heat and energy,
radiating heat and life into the dark.
i held darkness inside me
before i met you.
it clung with icy fingers to my bones
like the roots of a **** in a crack
on the sidewalk.
you brushed me once,
with your gentle touch,
and the dark was stripped away,
burnt, shriveled.

i   was   ignited.

i still haven't stopped burning
for you.
haley Aug 2013
take your blade
and carefully carve
the envy out of my bones.
steal the ugly weight
of doubt and greed
from my tired heart
and burn it
so that i may
be light
and love
haley Dec 2013
i want to escape my own head
and run as far as i can,
with the intent of reaching a destination
neither past nor future
and not quite present.
somewhere that is in-between,
in a time that is uncharted, unpredictable;
not labeled by human standards of time.
i want to discover.
i want to rid myself of every emotion
that i have ever experienced
every stupid, limiting category,
and just feel with reckless abandon.
i want to feel colors;
vibrant, daffodil yellows
and muted, aqua blues;
foreboding, stormy grays,
light, springtime greens.
i want every sense to be satisfied.
i want to feel alive.
haley May 2014
please don't change the subject
when  tell you something
i wouldn't tell anyone else
i feel so alone
i can't find my meaning
i'm not really going anywhere
i'm lost
i'm scared
i'm so **** exhausted but i sleep just fine

you just tell me
"huh, that *****,"
"it could be worse. everyone feels like that,"
that doesn't make it any easier
i want to scream
you tell me to trust you
and get mad when i say i can't
but you make it so **** hard
when i can tell you don't care.

sometimes i still feel like i wont ever
be good enough
to be loved
or trusted
or even
and i'm so scared.
haley Sep 2013
i want to step outside
of my body
and see myself
as i am.

i want to be able
to cradle myself in my own arms
when everyone else turns their back.

i want to see myself
when i am happiest,
without the ideals of society
clouding my vision.

i want to reflect the good i see
in those i love
and let it shine out of myself
to brighten the darker nights.

i want to
love myself.
haley Dec 2013
winter is settling in my bones
and with every inhale my lungs take in freezing air
until my head throbs and my thoughts slow to a dull ache.
the flowers on the sill are still in bloom
despite the coolness of the glass beside them
and i wish i could ignore the chill and open up
but winter is unkind
to my fragile heart
haley Jul 2013
it goes like this:

my toes curl over the edge
the stone ledge is warm beneath my feet.
i tense
and leap
and for a fragile second i am hanging, twisting
above the dancing water.
i swear,
i can fly.
the sunlight reflecting off its surface
stains my retinas
as my body plummets.
the ocean reaches up
and swallows me whole
with a splash of chilly water.
i open my eyes
to see millions of tiny
light-filled bubbles
float to the surface,
leaving me alone
in the dark.
i sink slowly,
as though drifting off to sleep
and am only conscious enough
to register the cloud
of sediment
that surrounds me
as my body reaches
the bottom.

and then there is you:

you watch from the shore
as i leap.
after all,
this only recreational, right?
i have every intention
of resurfacing
a moment after the plunge
of course.
but you
you see that i have
not risen
and you must think
you must
"her lungs,
they must be starved
of air".
and rather than rush to my aid
for i am clearly drowning
you sit back on the shore
and prepare
to yell
and scream
and cause a scene
but not for help
you will scream at me
because you
feel betrayed
that i could so easily leave you.

don't you know i wish i wasn't drowning?
don't you know that i could have been saved?
not really sure what happened here, but i kind of like it.
haley Jan 2014
i want to write about the way my lover makes me feel
and the way we fit together like the teeth of the zipper on my favorite jacket
but i am loveless
and unlovable
and it's for the best
because i was never
patient or forgiving
to love
haley Jul 2013
if i told you i miss you
would you say you miss me too?

would you lie
or would you tell the truth?

is it the truth
or is it the lie
that i would want to hear?
haley Jul 2013
i don't want to see you
ever again.
just let me be.
haley Nov 2014
in autumn,
gentle fingers press forget-me-not seeds
between her teeth,
warm lips breathe "i love you"s into
her throat.
all winter,
she clenches her teeth,
holds her breath,
grins only in black and white.
at the hint of spring,
blue petals climb the cracks
between white boulders,
cultivate hope.
with the heat of summer,
she crunches ice,
tries to excavate the reminders
from her gums,
comes home with ***** fingers
and the taste of blood
on her tongue.
haley Aug 2013
i am
free floating
held at a distance
from almost everyone
i drift along
staying close, sometimes,
to others - only to fall behind
invisibly, unnoticed, as they
move on

i am
the weakest
most easily forgotten
the hopeless
and painfully awkward
the least likely
to keep a conversation going
the easiest to forget
haley Nov 2013
i need to stitch together
these nagging, slippery thoughts
and form a coherent train of thought
with a purpose and a sense of direction
so that i know where to place my focus
and how to spend my energy
so that i can move forward
and stop looking over my shoulder
thinking of you
thinking of you
t h i n k i n g   o f   y o u
when i need to be thinking of
my sanity
and how the two
are polar opposites
haley Jun 2014
we wished as children to hold some sort of power:
to be remarkable, special, vital.
we created worlds in which we reigned supreme,
we could have anything, do anything, be anything.
we got lost in the homes we made in our heads;
the supernatural world followed us into our sleep.
we cast our ties to reality into the void
and became our dreams, our lies.
we believed in our new-found independence;
i lost faith in god.
we found found ourselves:
we were gods.
haley Aug 2013
if i surround myself
with images
and memories
of hiking through
with winding streams
and trailing ivy;
of running my fingers
along the gnarled
aged bark of tall,
impressive trees,
will i breathe as easily
as though i was standing
among them?
haley Aug 2014
all i know is that
when you're gone
i need you the most.

i guess i took you for granted.
even right when you left,
i was okay.
i was able to laugh and smile freely,
until the adrenaline ran dry
and i was still
and quiet.

it was the thought
"you will never be by my side for
longer than several days
ever again"
that lit me on fire.

i cried until i was hoarse
and even now my throat physically aches.

i didn't know missing you would hurt so bad.
i didn't know growing up would break my heart.
haley Mar 2015
sometimes i trace my own hip bones
in the dark,
and run my fingertips over the curvature of my spine,
pretending the warmth belongs to someone else.
i speak my own name in my mind,
imagining it's syllables spoken tenderly
by a lover's tongue,
each letter dripping with sugar.
my fingertips itch for closeness,
and curl around imaginary fingers,
like wishful muscle memory.
i have so much love to give.
i have so much love to receive.
haley Nov 2014
lately the tears have been coming easier and i don't know if it's from loss or from gain but i do know that i feel everything.
souls became real to me when mine wept into my favorite jacket at the sound of my best friend's voice breaking over the phone, and when it pressed up through my skin and forgot my body so that it could comfort every damaged mind it could sense.
my heart hurts for me but it hurts more for you, and him, and her, and them, because they will never understand what it means to care this **** much.
when the wind howls and rattles your shutters tonight, listen for my name.
it knows me better than anyone.
haley May 2013
i would gladly die tonight
i would be born anew at dawn;
my heart did not know you when i arose;
i could

forget you
haley Jan 2014
i am the glassy sheet of ice

that folds in upon itself suddenly with the slightest touch

and the leaf that was shed in autumn

to be uncovered, a skeleton

all dry veins and paper thin

in spring.

i wake up sometimes in the middle of the night

and your name is

crawling up my throat

i swallow it like a pill

without water

and i can still taste it

in the back of my mouth.
haley Jun 2015
i hope the beast we share
(our only remaining connection)
keeps you up at night,
pulls our old photographs
and the letters i wrote you
from the drawer where they rest
and make you remember.
i wonder if you kept the poster,
the collage of our memories;
i bet you burned it
(just to see my face warp
like you claim my heart did).
i know you act like you don't care,
like you're better off,
like i was a bad friend to you,
like i was never anything but
exactly what you asked of me
(i tell myself the same things,
except when i say it,
it's the truth).
i need this beast to stalk you too.
i can't be the only one to shoulder the weight
of our heavy silence
(why does it still hurt?).
haley Feb 2014
don't touch me
i am drenched to the bone with
and one touch is all it will take
for us both to go up in flames.
don't touch me
i am a forest fire
a white hot rod
i will burn your finger prints right off
and then
how will they identify you
when i'm through?
haley May 2013
on days when i feel
as though i may actually be getting over you
i find myself
the eyes of those who pass by,
that i'll fall for a

as i sat with my family
in a cozy restaurant
my eyes found a boy.
he was beautiful.
several times,
we locked gazes.

but the problem was,
he looked just like you.
haley Jul 2013
i write because i want to
document every terrible way
you make me feel
so i never feel it again
but every time i fall for you
i can only read
the positives
and it's impossible
to tell when the
pain will sneak up
and capture me

i am never prepared.
haley Jan 2014
where are the warm people?
i find myself baring my soul
to cold people
who take the heat of my burden
and use it to insulate themselves.
they shed no heat
no light
no empathy.
where are the warm people?
who will share their flame
as i try to share mine
when my has flickered out
and lies smoldering?
haley Aug 2013
every time
i leave the sea
i feel as though my soul
crawls back into
the deepest corners
of my body
to hide
and slumber
until i am reunited
with glittering waves
and soft sand
and windswept
dripping hair.
haley Feb 2014
i'm tired
and i deserve better.
i'm exhausted and i just want to cry and run away and mksldjbkvhalk
haley Sep 2014
the problem with attachment is that
it has to end.

and the stronger the connection,
the harder the end hits.

it's these thoughts that plague me
when i wonder who i was
before you:

what parts of me are really me
and which parts of me
are actually you?

will i ever be able to distinguish between the two?
haley Nov 2013
"when will this change?
oh, i don't wanna wait."*
a mantra in my head,
this song plays in loops
in my mind.
every autumn,
despite the beauty of the trees
and the perfect weather
i find myself becoming distant
and cold.
my mind returns to me with
the coming of spring.
ironic, though, that
is my least favorite season; while
is my favorite.
the beginning quote comes from the song "keep myself alive" by Get Scared, which is currently my favorite seems that my taste in music is also seasonal.
haley Jul 2013
i worry that i have
lied every time
i told a boy
i loved him.

i fear that i have
only ever been
and will only ever be
"in love"
with the idea
of love.

and most of all,
i am terrified
that every boy
who has ever told me
he loved me
was in love
only with the idea
of love.
         not me.
haley Aug 2013
i am torn
between wanting
to die
and wanting
to live
haley Jul 2013
it occurs to me that i am alone
more than not
and that maybe
it's my fault.

i push people away
i should have asked you
to stay.

i know - you always say - that i need to try
i need to reach out
i need to make plans
but plans fall through
and friendships end
and i am tired of
so i've stopped creating
and maybe that's how i like it.
haley May 2013
i am nothing but these words scratched on paper
and the golden strands of hair that lie in forgotten places that i haven’t seen in ages.
i am nothing but the buried impressions of footprints i took years ago
and the sweat i dripped into the ocean.
i am nothing but the warmth i breathed into the snow
and the fingerprints i left on the cold hotel window.
i am nothing but the coffee stain on the old wooden table
and the trails of meteors i’ve watched fall.
i am nothing but the dust in your lungs
and under your feet
and caught in your hair.
i am nothing
but i am everywhere
haley Sep 2013
if you are the sun,
i am the moon.

you are spring afternoons
wrapped in sunshine and birdsong.

i am crisp autumn evenings
cinnamon scented and starlit.

you are a swimming pool
on the hottest day of the year
that appears cool at first glance
but smothers with its heat.

i am crinkled red, orange, and brown;
drifting with the breeze.
i am melting ice with tiny air bubbles trapped inside
releasing frigid air in tiny bursts.
haley Feb 2015
i have so much love to give.
i'm brimming with it.
it moves in me like water,
leaks out like the tide of the sea.
when the moon gets too close,
the love in me rises
and struggles
against my boundaries,
pushes itself up my throat.
my biggest obstacle is swallowing
it back down,
calming it,
when the moon
is eclipsed.
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