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2.3k · Nov 2014
forget-me-not
haley Nov 2014
in autumn,
gentle fingers press forget-me-not seeds
between her teeth,
warm lips breathe "i love you"s into
her throat.
all winter,
she clenches her teeth,
holds her breath,
grins only in black and white.
at the hint of spring,
blue petals climb the cracks
between white boulders,
cultivate hope.
with the heat of summer,
she crunches ice,
tries to excavate the reminders
from her gums,
comes home with ***** fingers
and the taste of blood
on her tongue.
1.7k · Jan 2014
vulnerability
haley Jan 2014
vulnerability is something i have always struggled with.
to give another person the ability to read my mind, to pity me;
it's something i tend to regret.
so when i opened up to you,
and you blew me off as though what
i said was meaningless,
like you'd heard it all before,
i hated you.
i had handed you the ability to sew shut my insecurities,
but you brushed me aside with such force that the gaping hole just
opened wider and i
have no one
left to
trust.
so i am forced to turn in on myself
and with fumbling, numb fingers,
i sew myself shut
from the inside.
haley Aug 2013
every time
i leave the sea
i feel as though my soul
crawls back into
the deepest corners
of my body
to hide
and slumber
until i am reunited
with glittering waves
and soft sand
and windswept
dripping hair.
1.2k · Jul 2013
break down the dams
haley Jul 2013
life has stripped me
of the ability to shed a tear

my throat tightens
a clenched fist
in my esophagus
making breathing painful

and still no
******* tears
1.2k · Jan 2014
reality is 010010111000101
haley Jan 2014
we're all standing on the edge of reality,
millimeters from the precarious cliff of horrible,
beautiful truth.
the glow of our iPhones, tablets, flat screen TVs, etc
illuminating our placid faces.
ignorance is bliss, they say.
wake up!
wake up,
and turn off your alarm,
and flip on the news;
start your coffee brewer.
we depend on the technology.
we live in the the technology.
we live in a computer.
you are not real
and neither am i
but we aren't dead either.
if we can think,
we can exist,
right?
basing this off an existential crisis discussion
978 · Oct 2013
school is prison
haley Oct 2013
i am drowning
another blank face
unrecognized and vacant
passing in the hall

in the empty eyes

bleeding out sleep
stress headaches
dehydration cramps
anxiety stomachaches
keeping me awake

through invisible sores

the teachers eyes
indifferent and glazed
too tired to care
why are we so tired

cut me through and through
i should be thankful for school but the system is flawed and school makes me literally sick to my stomach
898 · Jan 2014
detachment
haley Jan 2014
i want to write about the way my lover makes me feel
and the way we fit together like the teeth of the zipper on my favorite jacket
but i am loveless
and unlovable
and it's for the best
because i was never
patient or forgiving
enough
to love
anyway.
897 · May 2013
sacrifice
haley May 2013
to think we were best friends this morning
and now,
i bite the back of my hand
to keep from screaming obscenities
into your ugly face.

you sit on your pedestal,
immersed in yourself,
and accuse me of immaturity
when i walk away
when you say
"i don't care
about you."

you think
that i act this way
because i am
"insecure"
"pathetic"
"sensitive"
but really,
darling,
it's because
i have realized that
i
  deserve
     better
         than
                          this.
*not to the same person as previous poems*
866 · Aug 2013
cleanse
haley Aug 2013
please
take your blade
and carefully carve
the envy out of my bones.
steal the ugly weight
of doubt and greed
from my tired heart
and burn it
so that i may
be light
and love
again
864 · Mar 2014
telescope
haley Mar 2014
I think of you often
i hardly remember you, so i suppose i’m not really thinking of you

maybe it’s more like i’m thinking of the idea of you
you’re a foggy landscape in the back of my consciousness

your name is a taste that comes only in the fleeting space between dreams
my mind has lost the ability to pronounce its syllables

looking back on “us” is sort of like looking at something right under your nose with the wrong end of a telescope
the image is distorted and far too magnified to see
any semblance of a bigger picture

to this day i still wonder what exactly it could have been
what we could have been
had we changed our views
828 · Sep 2013
chill
haley Sep 2013
the changing leaves
spark a fire in me
that doesn't reach
my finger tips
or
my eyes
811 · Nov 2013
cigarette burn to wildfire
haley Nov 2013
you are the sun,
pulsing with heat and energy,
radiating heat and life into the dark.
i held darkness inside me
before i met you.
it clung with icy fingers to my bones
like the roots of a **** in a crack
on the sidewalk.
you brushed me once,
with your gentle touch,
and the dark was stripped away,
burnt, shriveled.

i   was   ignited.

i still haven't stopped burning
for you.
797 · Nov 2013
reminder to self: mend
haley Nov 2013
what do you do when you want something to happen so badly
that it makes your lungs heavy and your heart flutter?
what if you know it will never happen?*
take your time.
come to terms with the fact that it isn't realistic to hope for something that won't happen.
understand that it isn't the end of the world;
the earth will spin on and orbit the sun even if your heart is breaking,
even if it has gone off like a hand grenade inside you and the shrapnel has punctured your lungs.
be your own hero.
lay yourself down and with steady,
careful hands,
extract the jagged pieces from your damaged body and lay them in the sun.
let them sit until they have absorbed all the heat you can stand,
then cup the pieces in your hands.
close your eyes.
savor the feeling that comes from knowing that you can heal your own heart without help.
you'll need to remember how it's done -
this won't be the last time.
when you're ready, swallow your mended heart whole,
so that it rests in your stomach instead of your chest.
this way it won't be so easy to find next time.
now you need to learn to breathe easy again.
your lungs are healing.
they'll be stronger than ever now;
after all,
breathing underwater for so long makes it easier to breathe when you're standing,
whole,
on the shore.
769 · Sep 2013
team
haley Sep 2013
they say "'team' is a four letter word
for 'family'"
and i can't help
but agree
because every time i turn to look
at these lovely people
every time i laugh till my stomach aches
at ridiculous jokes
i know that they
are a part of me
that i never want to give up.
this is way too mushy for my liking but seriously, my xc team is basically just a group of my favorite people. love them.
751 · May 2013
ambivalence
haley May 2013
i love you.
your words make me dizzy;
my thoughts like ants who've lost their trail.
i hate you.
one glance sends the blood rushing to my face;
i can hear my heart pound like waves against a stony shore.

get out
of my head.



i love you
because you're sweeter than honey
and sharp as a tack.
i love you
because you make me laugh
and make me feel special.

i hate you,
though,
because you love
                               her.

and yet you still have my heart.
dear ****r,
sometimes i wish we weren't friends.
743 · Sep 2013
poles
haley Sep 2013
if you are the sun,
i am the moon.

you are spring afternoons
wrapped in sunshine and birdsong.

i am crisp autumn evenings
cinnamon scented and starlit.

you are a swimming pool
on the hottest day of the year
that appears cool at first glance
but smothers with its heat.

i am crinkled red, orange, and brown;
drifting with the breeze.
i am melting ice with tiny air bubbles trapped inside
releasing frigid air in tiny bursts.
690 · May 2013
you are the desert sun
haley May 2013
i think that even if i
drank all of you in
while i had the chance
i would still fear
death
by dehydration.
idk if this makes sense
sorry
661 · Jul 2013
pros and cons
haley Jul 2013
to know
that you don't care
is sort of liberating
i have no one to impress
and yet also constricting
*did i never impress you?
592 · May 2013
traces
haley May 2013
i think that
as long as i know you
possibly longer
you will cling to the innermost
recesses of my mind
to the notches in my spine
to the cavities behind my eyes
and the creases of my elbows

but i
i will only leave traces
of myself
on the soles of your shoes.
-hmt
571 · Nov 2013
reactions
haley Nov 2013
the only kind of
spontaneity
i care about
i cannot read about
in my chemistry textbook.
true spontaneity is found
in night time leaf fights
that result in tear-stained cheeks
that ache from laughter,
and impossibly tangled,
leaf-embedded hair.
568 · Jun 2013
roots
haley Jun 2013
i used to
like to think of myself
as a tree.

maybe
a weeping willow
or
a crooked pine.

but now
i have grown tall
and strong
and my bark has grown thick
and my roots have taken hold.

i am no longer
weeping
or crooked.

i am as strong
as the strongest oak.

and this is the first time
i've thought of you
in two months.
555 · Jul 2013
depth
haley Jul 2013
it goes like this:

my toes curl over the edge
the stone ledge is warm beneath my feet.
i tense
and leap
and for a fragile second i am hanging, twisting
above the dancing water.
i swear,
i can fly.
the sunlight reflecting off its surface
stains my retinas
as my body plummets.
the ocean reaches up
and swallows me whole
with a splash of chilly water.
i open my eyes
to see millions of tiny
light-filled bubbles
float to the surface,
leaving me alone
in the dark.
i sink slowly,
as though drifting off to sleep
and am only conscious enough
to register the cloud
of sediment
that surrounds me
as my body reaches
the bottom.

and then there is you:

you watch from the shore
smiling
as i leap.
after all,
this only recreational, right?
i have every intention
of resurfacing
a moment after the plunge
of course.
but you
you see that i have
not risen
and you must think
you must
"her lungs,
they must be starved
of air".
and rather than rush to my aid
for i am clearly drowning
you sit back on the shore
and prepare
to yell
and scream
and cause a scene
but not for help
no
you will scream at me
because you
feel betrayed
that i could so easily leave you.

don't you know i wish i wasn't drowning?
don't you know that i could have been saved?
not really sure what happened here, but i kind of like it.
555 · Feb 2014
i'm not your's
haley Feb 2014
don't touch me
i am drenched to the bone with
gasoline
and one touch is all it will take
for us both to go up in flames.
don't touch me
i am a forest fire
a white hot rod
i will burn your finger prints right off
and then
how will they identify you
when i'm through?
554 · May 2013
inescapable
haley May 2013
on days when i feel
as though i may actually be getting over you
i find myself
looking,
searching
the eyes of those who pass by,
hoping
fearing
that i'll fall for a
stranger.

tonight,
as i sat with my family
in a cozy restaurant
my eyes found a boy.
he was beautiful.
several times,
we locked gazes.

but the problem was,
he looked just like you.
547 · Nov 2014
Untitled
haley Nov 2014
it's 6:12 in the evening
and i have just arrived home
after a long day of listening
and seething
(and crying)
and drowning
in a sea of oppression brought
upon me not by my choice
but by my mere birth
while those around me argue
that i can't be drowning
because they don't know what
water looks like
sexism
544 · Nov 2013
like hibernation
haley Nov 2013
"when will this change?
oh, i don't wanna wait."*
a mantra in my head,
this song plays in loops
echoes
in my mind.
every autumn,
despite the beauty of the trees
and the perfect weather
i find myself becoming distant
and cold.
my mind returns to me with
the coming of spring.
ironic, though, that
spring
is my least favorite season; while
autumn
is my favorite.
the beginning quote comes from the song "keep myself alive" by Get Scared, which is currently my favorite song...it seems that my taste in music is also seasonal.
haley Aug 2013
i am torn
between wanting
to die
today
and wanting
to live
forever.
502 · Jul 2013
"shiver"
haley Jul 2013
on and on
from the moment i wake
till the moment i sleep,
i will be by your side
just you try and stop me.
i'll be waiting in line
just to see
if you care.


did you want me to change?
well,
I changed for good.
and I want you to know
that you'll always get your way.
these are lyrics from the song Shiver by Coldplay. such a beautiful song.
488 · Jul 2015
camouflage
haley Jul 2015
I eat overripe fruit
bags of chips
bowls of cereal
and drink hot
cups of coffee
hundreds of water bottles
leave everything strewn about
for weeks.
my clothes lay mixed
clean and *****
covered in dog hair
regardless.
I can't bear to organize.
every item shifted
reveals an image of you,
some remnant from a time
forever lost.
486 · Aug 2013
green and gray
haley Aug 2013
if i surround myself
with images
and memories
of hiking through
sunlit
shadow-streaked
forests,
with winding streams
and trailing ivy;
of running my fingers
along the gnarled
aged bark of tall,
impressive trees,
will i breathe as easily
as though i was standing
among them?
477 · Sep 2013
dear me
haley Sep 2013
i want to step outside
of my body
and see myself
as i am.

i want to be able
to cradle myself in my own arms
when everyone else turns their back.

i want to see myself
when i am happiest,
without the ideals of society
clouding my vision.

i want to reflect the good i see
in those i love
and let it shine out of myself
to brighten the darker nights.

i want to
love myself.
474 · Aug 2013
from drift to rift
haley Aug 2013
i am
free floating
held at a distance
from almost everyone
i drift along
staying close, sometimes,
to others - only to fall behind
invisibly, unnoticed, as they
move on

i am
the weakest
most easily forgotten
the hopeless
and painfully awkward
the least likely
to keep a conversation going
the easiest to forget
471 · Jul 2013
forget
haley Jul 2013
i don't want to see you
ever again.
please,
just let me be.
465 · Dec 2013
colors
haley Dec 2013
i want to escape my own head
and run as far as i can,
with the intent of reaching a destination
neither past nor future
and not quite present.
somewhere that is in-between,
in a time that is uncharted, unpredictable;
not labeled by human standards of time.
i want to discover.
i want to rid myself of every emotion
that i have ever experienced
every stupid, limiting category,
and just feel with reckless abandon.
i want to feel colors;
vibrant, daffodil yellows
and muted, aqua blues;
foreboding, stormy grays,
light, springtime greens.
i want every sense to be satisfied.
i want to feel alive.
haley Jan 2014
where are the warm people?
i find myself baring my soul
to cold people
who take the heat of my burden
and use it to insulate themselves.
they shed no heat
no light
no empathy.
where are the warm people?
who will share their flame
as i try to share mine
when my has flickered out
and lies smoldering?
452 · Nov 2013
give me a new direction
haley Nov 2013
i need to stitch together
these nagging, slippery thoughts
and form a coherent train of thought
with a purpose and a sense of direction
so that i know where to place my focus
and how to spend my energy
so that i can move forward
and stop looking over my shoulder
and
stop
thinking of you
thinking of you
t h i n k i n g   o f   y o u
when i need to be thinking of
my sanity
and how the two
are polar opposites
451 · Jul 2013
lust
haley Jul 2013
i worry that i have
lied every time
i told a boy
i loved him.

i fear that i have
only ever been
and will only ever be
"in love"
with the idea
of love.

and most of all,
i am terrified
that every boy
who has ever told me
he loved me
was in love
only with the idea
of love.
         not me.
haley Nov 2014
lately the tears have been coming easier and i don't know if it's from loss or from gain but i do know that i feel everything.
souls became real to me when mine wept into my favorite jacket at the sound of my best friend's voice breaking over the phone, and when it pressed up through my skin and forgot my body so that it could comfort every damaged mind it could sense.
my heart hurts for me but it hurts more for you, and him, and her, and them, because they will never understand what it means to care this **** much.
when the wind howls and rattles your shutters tonight, listen for my name.
it knows me better than anyone.
409 · Dec 2013
december
haley Dec 2013
winter is settling in my bones
and with every inhale my lungs take in freezing air
until my head throbs and my thoughts slow to a dull ache.
the flowers on the sill are still in bloom
despite the coolness of the glass beside them
and i wish i could ignore the chill and open up
but winter is unkind
to my fragile heart
407 · Jul 2013
save your pulse
haley Jul 2013
if you ever decide
to pick up your razor
and hold it against your
beautiful skin
i want you to stop
if only for a second
and remember

that just millimeters
from the cold metal
there is stardust
flowing through your veins

that every breath you breathe
is precious oxygen
the very same that fills the lungs
of every stunning creature
you have ever seen
human or otherwise

that there is someone
somewhere
who would greatly benefit
from just one encounter
with you

that you
are entirely unique
and irreplaceable
and capable
of more than you could ever imagine.
you just need to be here.

*give yourself a chance.
398 · Oct 2013
reckless contradictions
haley Oct 2013
ever since i was a child
i have carelessly thrown my heart
at any boy
who held my gaze
for more than five seconds.
i am exhausted
and humiliated.
why haven't i learned?
love doesn't work that way.

no longer
will i fall for undeserving boys
who could not care less.
but i'm lonely
so please hurry
and please care.
396 · Feb 2015
pretender
haley Feb 2015
i have so much love to give.
i'm brimming with it.
it moves in me like water,
leaks out like the tide of the sea.
when the moon gets too close,
the love in me rises
and struggles
against my boundaries,
pushes itself up my throat.
my biggest obstacle is swallowing
it back down,
calming it,
when the moon
is eclipsed.
378 · Jun 2013
summer
haley Jun 2013
i spend
the e n t i r e year
lusting
and
craving
for summer

but by the time
it arrives
i find that
i really don't
care for the heat
or the sweat
or the smothering humidity.

and so
i lust
and crave
for autumn's grace
and the death of
warmth
so that i may
feel alive
again.
this turned out weird..
376 · Jul 2013
invisible ink
haley Jul 2013
i write because i want to
document every terrible way
you make me feel
so i never feel it again
but every time i fall for you
i can only read
the positives
and it's impossible
to tell when the
pain will sneak up
and capture me

i am never prepared.
376 · Jan 2014
i found you after it rained
haley Jan 2014
i am the glassy sheet of ice

that folds in upon itself suddenly with the slightest touch

and the leaf that was shed in autumn

to be uncovered, a skeleton

all dry veins and paper thin

in spring.

i wake up sometimes in the middle of the night

and your name is

crawling up my throat

i swallow it like a pill

without water

and i can still taste it

in the back of my mouth.
375 · Jul 2013
the energy of children
haley Jul 2013
this morning
was beautiful.
i pounded along
on the asphalt
sweat running in rivulets
down my back.
my closest friend and i
ran
until we could barely breathe
and
when we could barely breathe
we stuck flowers in our hair
and were kids again.
374 · Jun 2015
i hope it eats you too
haley Jun 2015
i hope the beast we share
(our only remaining connection)
keeps you up at night,
pulls our old photographs
and the letters i wrote you
from the drawer where they rest
and make you remember.
i wonder if you kept the poster,
the collage of our memories;
i bet you burned it
(just to see my face warp
like you claim my heart did).
i know you act like you don't care,
like you're better off,
like i was a bad friend to you,
like i was never anything but
exactly what you asked of me
(i tell myself the same things,
except when i say it,
it's the truth).
i need this beast to stalk you too.
i can't be the only one to shoulder the weight
of our heavy silence
(why does it still hurt?).
haley Jul 2013
there is something beautiful
about rushed,
shallow breathing;
sweat-sticky hair;
and salty fingerprints.

i like to think i leave
pieces of myself
that i no longer need
in the scattered sunlight
of my early morning runs.
371 · Nov 2013
running in circles
haley Nov 2013
i can feel a pressure building up in my chest that weighs down my lungs with the burden of words that are just barely tangible. i can feel their weight, light as a feather and just as easily carried away by the wind. they bubble up sometimes, float up through my throat, and begin to press on my tongue. they taste of copper and perfume, and i don't know how to let them go, but they make me want to hold my breath. they obstruct my airway and suddenly i'm lightheaded and without words and i don't understand how i can have so much emotion so little energy so little time so little release.

                    the words flit back and forth between my fingertips and tongue and i can't control where they end up but i'm convinced that most of them evaporate
like steam on the asphalt in august
because i never find them once they're gone.
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