I care
But nobody else seems to
Everyone says they do, but they don't dare
And nobody knows what I go through.
Most would break their backs for each other
But for them I break my mind
Not that it wasn't horrendously damaged before this endeavor
But I break it more just to get left behind
So break a leg, break a spine
The only dreams destroyed are mine
All for them and no one cares to think
How happy I could be if I wasn't on the brink
Pushing aside my thoughts to ease their pain
Shattering my hopes to increase their gain
Does anyone realize what I do to show I care
With a broken mind and saddened stare?

Don't you dare
Pretend to care
Go away
I don't want to play
This isn't a game
I'm not the same
You have him and are happy
I am contempt with solitude, with me
So take your lies to a different fool
I am finished with being a tool

What just happened to the world I knew?
What just happened to my follow through?
Everything just flipped around
And now by a plague am I bound
This plague called humanity
Selfish, merciless, greedy
Insatiable desires
Twisted liars
Politics are another word for tyranny
Everyone at eachother's throats blindly
While a darker and more devious plot grows
There are pieces of proof but nobody knows
Because nobody likes the truth
We cloud it behind simple minded rallying cries
Over an injustice over what mere moments before
Had no sway to the crowd, no ties
And now over silly things spill blood and gore
What is wrong with our society?
It is this sickness called humanity

I'm breaking
My soul is cracking
My mind is bleeding
My heart is shattering
And I am screaming
I want to be saved
Or have my name in a headstone engraved
Either way is a way to liberate me
Just another way to be free
I am suffering but you can't see
Because I'm laughing joyfully
But I want you to see through my lie
Or our next kiss may be our kiss goodbye
For I may soon leave this world
A pull of the trigger leaving my suffering unfurled

Alone in my house
Not a word, not a chirp, not a squeak from a mouse
And the more I think, the deeper becomes of my pain
I pick up the phone and send a message to explain
As best I could of my distress that traps me
Of the nightmares that never shall leave me be
But I could only give you a very vague taste
Of the story of how my life is disgraced
I want to drown it out in physical pleasures
But there is no reprieve from my madness that stirs
Deranged and damaged
My head has been ravaged
And I want you to know that I'll always feel sorrow
It won't go away, no such thing as a better tomorrow
But I just couldn't let it go in that very moment
Because I was too distraught, much too hellbent
I'm sorry if my sudden outburst was inconvenient for you
But here I wear a smile again, as I always do

Today is another day as a cog in a machine
Careless of what I've done or where I've been
But I am not willing to stay as an interchangeable piece
To be replaced by another cog fresh with grease
I smile and laugh and grumble and cry
And the machine bears down more weight
So they may be satisfied
Careless of my current state
But I'll not hold everything they want me to
I'll only go so far as to what I can do
And some day I'll leave this mechanical cage
To go off on my own and flip to my next chapter's page
And I'll bide my time for the moment I get to say
I'll testify against the corporate machine on Judgement Day

What is this?
What is amiss?
What is Hell, and what is bliss?
Is it the flame, burning my flesh until it sounds an angry hiss?
Or is it in each other's arms, sealed with a tender kiss?
What is wrong, what is right?
Sleeping peacefully with you this very night
Images in my mind of a great and terrible, beautiful and hideous sight
Darkness all around, snuffing out light
Still waging war on the side of the losing fight
What is sanctuary, what is seclusion?
Staying a good distance from everyone
Watching them all have fun
While I sit under a hood away from the sun
Inside my mind, the only one
Caged in my skull with nowhere to run
These are all just thoughts discarded
Of no importance or use to the shattered-hearted

As the rain falls, so do the tears of my friends
The angel of my death smiled as she helps while my soul ascends
She says as I look back "These tears lie,
For they are tears of joy to see you die"
So I smile and say as my angel rings my bell
"I'll see all of you lying ******* in Hell"

According to a genius past gone
Is repeating something over and over And expecting a difference done
According to a dictionary
Is the state of being seriously ill mentally
Or extreme foolishness or irrationality
But I see here that I've partaken in all three
At least at some point or another
And so have my father and mother
So does that make me insane by default
Or am I not at all at fault?
I'm not insane by view of me,
But what would I be left to be?
I am a dreamer with a horrible reality
With hopes doomed to shatter consistently
But I know now, who I am
And my past can't slow my glorious plan
The one dream that won't wither
Is to rise to the top and make myself better
Nothing and no one will stand in my way
And those who follow willingly obey
I'll be the one to rest alone at the top
And nothing and nobody can get me to stop

Little tales and literature veils
Hiding a lesson to discover
Weaving words that may sound absurd
Or writing a confession to your lover
Adventures and horrors
Of daring do or a comedy write
From the mind to the paper, line by line
Allowing imagination flow by day and by night
Words directly from the soul
Songs that may make a life whole
They are what we are told as children when sent to our beds
And we come up with more within our heads
Our whole lives are wonderful tales
Stories to have our future unveil

I know exactly where I stand with the blade, sharply edged
I know where I'm going
But look at my heart, so dark and damaged
I am lost in a labyrinth of my own undoing
Trapped by hopelessness and voices screaming of my demise
They cry out that nothing will ever be okay
But I continue to search for the end of this maze to my own surprise
Searching for signs of joy such as laughter and children at play
But these dark voices scream louder, consuming my hope
And around my neck they try tying a rope
But I continue to run, not out of fear
But because I know there will always be a warm light at the end
And with all of my friends and family guiding me there
I run faster, and into the arms of all who are deemed family and friend

A game of the mind where you bring your own card deck
Where one on one is common and the action is direct
A game in which I easily excel
For it helps me shun reality, of real life I can dispel
Where I can summon an army at my beckoned call
And tear at my enemy no matter how defensive their wall
I snap my fingers and my opponents fall beneath me
But no matter how glorious the victory, I am left inside empty
I always search desperately for another game to blind my reality
No matter if the result is defeat or victory
But blissful ignorance I no longer have for a shield
And now in reality I must fight or be forced to yield

I don't want to remember
I can never forget
The regrets and guilt I hold forever
Trying to hide that I'm upset.
I can never repent
All of my will is spent
I am not hollow
No, it's much worse
I am filled with sorrow
Venom dripping from every verse
My skin is porcelain
Perfect outside
To hold my misdeeds and sin
Keeping them to hide
Every smile is not a lie to my friends, but to me
Trying in desperation to say "I'm happy"
Please tell me I'm not okay
Hold me and tell me to cry and I'll gladly obey

On the outside, I'm just fine
But take one look into my MIND
This is HELL
This is BLISS
There are SCREAMS I can never quell
I'm a broken machine of HORRORS nobody can FIX
THIS is my head and all of the emptiness
Full of terrible thoughts that will not find silence
I smile because my head can't decide what to do
Crying for me is nothing new
IGNORE what you see
Because inside is the one and true miserable and broken *ME

Such fun, such joy!
Out to play, a girl and boy
The boy looks at her and grins
But a shadow grins back, the only one who wins
Days of plays go by
Building up the boy's courage
But comes the girl's sweet lullaby
From the shadow to leave the boy ravaged
She seemed sad to sing such poisonous notes
But the boy just smiles and quotes
"Worry not, princess so fair
I remain unharmed by this affair"
So she smiles and walks with the shadow
And the boy turns to let loose his sorrow
And a single question comes to mind
"Why am I so painfully blind?"

Spinning
The world is dizzying
The sky is turning
My mind is aching
Everything makes sense yet so confusing
All of this nonsense is mentally abusing
So little gained yet not worth losing
A path I make my own but not by my choosing
The light is blinding
The darkness is binding
My path is rewinding
My head is grinding
My body is bleeding
But I keep writing
Because the words keep biting
And my soul keeps screaming
In this world so beautifully spinning

I'm tired. Why? Why so often? Why so much? Why do I feel so weightless and weak? I'm living every day better than I ever have. So what's wrong with me? My heart is hammering. My chest is tight. It's my fault, right? It's still all my fault. I don't have a leg to stand on. I still merely exist. I exist to follow. So that's what I do. I have no direction. I have no purpose. I'm told what I am. And then I get complaints when I don't think for myself. I think for myself, and I take steps, small and unseen, so I may not fall. And again, I'm scolded. Either because my opinion is wrong, I'm being stupid, our because it doesn't fit with whatever the agenda is. I'm not moving. I'm not breathing. I'm weightless. Light-headed. I'm tired. I'm tired of being stifled. I'm tired of being scolded. She doesn't want to live a life she doesn't enjoy? A world where her art and mind can't be expressed? I feel as if I live this every day. And I haven't the vocabulary nor the knowledge nor the time to express it. I haven't the skill. I haven't the energy. Gears. Where are my gears?! Where is my iron?! Where is my hearth?! Where. Is. My. Flame. Awaken, slumbering machine. Your cog has no purpose without you. Rise, dead foundry. Forge my armor anew. I'm just broken glass without you.

Endless doubts cloud my head
So much so that I'd rather be dead
Not much can really be said
About my worries when I lay awake in bed
Maybe. . . The blade would look better in red
And forever rest my heavy head

There are perks to being alone
Like having not be embarrassed to be seen cry
Or to relax within your own mental zone
To be able to see others and say you could never be better
Even if you are shattered forever
To be able to ponder how to construct a prison
To lock your heart, its existence a sin
To find peace in solitude at the low cost of joy
To be contempt with anguish to not be a toy
To build anew, yet in a different way
To become something that will barely obey
To make people ask what happened to him or her
The one that stood in your place before
To enjoy their horrified countenance
As you explain your expense
That singularity is freedom at the cost of yourself
To discard you to gain all wealth
To say the old one was weak and shattered
And this new shell is hard pressed to become battered
To say you've imprisoned your fragility
This all comes by experience, this is the new me.

All should know
That my writing is a sin
So let's look down a memory row
And see another story begin
Her hair was black as night
And she walked down the halls staying to her right
She made a group like a family
And then along came the misery
Jack frost in physical form
He had a soft smile to hide the storm
The girl, nearly forgotten, made him her friend
But before too long, he was her end
He whispered sweet nothings
And she whispered them back
He became her everything
And she was attacked
By her past wounds so tender to touch
And he tried to ease her burden, though not by much
He made her forget
And all seemed set
A new life before her
A trail of her making
So sweet and tender
But now a fragile thing
As if on cue, he froze the land, sea, and sky
As his sorrowful screams left her bright smile denied
She left when he was at his lowest
Everything frozen all the way through
Although she tried her best
There was nothing she could do
All she needed was some rest
But her concern only grew
She came back and gasped in shock
His mind was shattered, a heartbeat of a count-down clock
She took him back in
And eased his burden, making peace with his sin
But she felt hopeless as she saw he was hollow within
Her despair became deeper as the days wore thin
And he drove her away yet again
When he needed her most, as at least a friend
Her kindness was ruined
By a monster of a man
She wore her heart thin
And in the end she couldn't help when she ran
This is her story of misery
Her kind heart thrown to depravity
But she's alright now, she's free
She has her shining knight, contempt and happy

My memory is overbearing
Regret is all it will ever bring
Always thinking about my mistakes
And the more I remember the more my heart breaks
I remember everything I could have had
If I tried harder, I wouldn't have been so bad
I don't understand me
Not like they used to
Ruining what was meant to be
And there's not a thing I can do
To bring them back to me
To be happy once more
As I have been once before

Time is all I have left. Everything else is just a blur, always shifting.
I understand that people don't have time, but that means they don't have me either, for time is all I seem to have left. "Let's go!" I can't. Wait. "I guess we'll go and do it without you." I don't have the ability to twist the world around me to be able to do as I please as so many others do. "Just do it." I can't. Wait. "I guess I'll do it and chew you out later"I'm unable to do things at a moment's notice. "Just say ***** it and come out!" I can't. Wait. "Well, I guess that means you don't want us. That means you don't care." No. What it means is that I can't. Just wait. If you can't, then I'm sorry. "Sorry doesn't cut it. You should be able to do this and that because of this or that." I can't. Wait. "Wait for what? For everything to slip past you? For people to control you?" No. I'm just following the rules of my loving parents. Some day I won't live with them, so just wait. Until then, here I remain and to their rules I pertain. You don't understand. "You always say that." Because you keep trying to push it. "I'm going to apologize sarcastically for this and that and make you feel miserable then." And you don't understand that I can't control it no matter what I say or do. Listen when I say I can't. Wait. Maybe if you wait, I'll be able to later. But nobody is patient anymore. Everyone is speeding ahead blindly and leaving me behind. This is why I say all I have left is the constant and ever-repetitive tick-tock of time. Because unlike most, time will wait for me. I can't. Wait. "Okay." Says the clock. I'm going to do this at this time and then have enough time for this. "I'm right here." Says the ticking face. And some day I'll have my dreams come true with time to spare to do what I wish for the rest of the time I have in my life. I can't wait.

Regrets are funny
Little bits of the past you can't take away
Sometimes you can't be forgiven for your transgressions
by either an outside source
Or yourself
If from another, it may be ignored
Cut from your life like a tumor
But if it is from within?
When you can't forgive yourself?
Then you know true pain
Then you live in a mental nightmare you can't escape from
And if that regret is tied with something you've done for another
Someone you care about so immeasurable
And what makes it worse is that this is a repeated offense?
You won't ever begin to understand
How much Hell you'll put yourself through
To try feeling maybe even somewhat as if you've atoned
But it'll never be enough
I can guarantee that
You'll never find solace
You'll never be able to take joy from activities you used to
You'll begin to exist only to take harm
To try to apologize for something unacceptable
You'll never be at peace again
And you'll lose everything you care for
And you'l lose everything that made you care in the first place
Regret is a funny little thing
One that I have only added another tally to
And the best way I can even feel somewhat like I've been able to explain
Is posting it here where those I have regrets from won't find them
Won't read them and call me petty
Won't read them and hate me even more
I confide in you, dear readers
Dear strangers
I have a whole lot of regrets

I have a problem
I fall too easily
Pained by my requiem
And becoming attached to what can't be
We've started a bit provocatively
And made amends thereafter
You were there to keep me company
To bring me joy and laughter
We shared our pains and sorrows
Of our lives from day to day
Looking forward to each tomorrow
Because here you are to stay
But I fell too hard
For someone I can not hold
And now there is another
And my veins are running cold
But I don't want you to worry
About a wretch like me
Let's just keep sharing stories
To make certain you can be happy
You might not ever see this
The one thing I haven't shared
Is my poetic injustice
To show nobody honestly cared
But if this comes up to rear its ugly head
Then welcome to my lair
Where my worries are never truly dead
Where there are no scraps of joy to share
Welcome to my poetry
Where my dreams have come to fade
Everything that means something to me
Here can somewhat be explained

Such a sweet medley
Love meant to be
Hearts drawn closer by time
Though blood treats the union as a crime
Smiles and longing and such smitten glee
Telling the audience happily
I wish you the best in your endeavors
And hope this a story to last forever

I'm just sitting here
Awaiting time to pass me by
Still trying to decide
Wether to sleep or cry
Listening to another's tale of love
Brings me familiarity
Of memories best not thought of
Of a time I was a little more happy
Oh, but here we are
I, your poet
And you, my dear readers
And as you may gaze upon my words
I'm not but swift passing
The emotions they chain to me
Will eat me alive with every moment passing

So many good memories
Of what seemed never meant to be
A childish monster that was me
And an elven beauty who smelled of sweet berries
A play never meant to show
Words never spoken and faces lay low
Assumptions made and lies lain down
A king of fools with a paper crown
Fond moments so short and precious
Make-believe and foods so scrumptious
All these thoughts that should bring smiles
But all I feel are searing tears all the while
Empty repetition, a failing home
Betrayal by blood, dead seeds sewn
Such sweet memories
Of what was never meant to be

Another day
Like any other
Nothing special until I stretch
When I see a spot on my arm
Curious, it's never been there before
I inspect it curiously
Did someone draw it in my sleep?
No, something moved
I inspect it more closely
And I see something there
In a room I'm not familiar with
A woman with raven hair and hazel eyes
Dancing about to music I can't hear
But the sound doesn't matter
Her movements are hypnotizing
Mesmerizing
She's unmatched in my eye
Untouchable by all others
Graceful and untamed and free
It was a wonderful sight
I had a spyglass embedded in my arm
Connected to that which I saw as my world
And since that morning
Day in and day out
I would look through the hole with every waking moment
To watch her and let her beauty flood my mind with joy
And one day, I find myself longing for more
More than just spying through some strange hole
So I gather my coat and leave in search of her
The source of my estranged situation and the subject of my dream
For hours
Then days
Months go by
And years are wasted
And decades go by to no avail
I have grown old and weary
Chasing a dream
So I return home
And grab hold of my door handle
Then to my left I hear another door click
From the house of the neighbor I've never seen
I turn to face them and greet them kindly
When I find myself taken by surprise
To be met by a gaze from beautiful hazel eyes
And flowing raven hair
Slightly grayed from the passing of time
But no less flawless in my eyes
She smiles kindly and greets me with a wave
Her arm has her own spot
"Did you enjoy your trip?" She asked
I'm stunned
What do I say?
I take a moment to breathe
To greet her with a soft smile of my own
"I certainly did. Would you like to talk about it over a drink?"
"I'd love to!" She exclaims and follows me inside
And I've finally found what I've been searching for