All should know
That my writing is a sin
So let's look down a memory row
And see another story begin
Her hair was black as night
And she walked down the halls staying to her right
She made a group like a family
And then along came the misery
Jack frost in physical form
He had a soft smile to hide the storm
The girl, nearly forgotten, made him her friend
But before too long, he was her end
He whispered sweet nothings
And she whispered them back
He became her everything
And she was attacked
By her past wounds so tender to touch
And he tried to ease her burden, though not by much
He made her forget
And all seemed set
A new life before her
A trail of her making
So sweet and tender
But now a fragile thing
As if on cue, he froze the land, sea, and sky
As his sorrowful screams left her bright smile denied
She left when he was at his lowest
Everything frozen all the way through
Although she tried her best
There was nothing she could do
All she needed was some rest
But her concern only grew
She came back and gasped in shock
His mind was shattered, a heartbeat of a count-down clock
She took him back in
And eased his burden, making peace with his sin
But she felt hopeless as she saw he was hollow within
Her despair became deeper as the days wore thin
And he drove her away yet again
When he needed her most, as at least a friend
Her kindness was ruined
By a monster of a man
She wore her heart thin
And in the end she couldn't help when she ran
This is her story of misery
Her kind heart thrown to depravity
But she's alright now, she's free
She has her shining knight, contempt and happy

I am afraid
Of being betrayed
I am terrified
Of being denied
I fear the people closest to me
The ones I call my family
Tyrants taking advantage of my cowardice
And never giving me a real choice
All I'm allowed to show is unconditional obedience
I am shackled by their chains, keeping my distance
I am trapped and afraid
Keeping their punishments delayed
I am but a spineless fool
Good for nothing but their tool

I'm breaking
My soul is cracking
My mind is bleeding
My heart is shattering
And I am screaming
I want to be saved
Or have my name in a headstone engraved
Either way is a way to liberate me
Just another way to be free
I am suffering but you can't see
Because I'm laughing joyfully
But I want you to see through my lie
Or our next kiss may be our kiss goodbye
For I may soon leave this world
A pull of the trigger leaving my suffering unfurled

I'm tired. Why? Why so often? Why so much? Why do I feel so weightless and weak? I'm living every day better than I ever have. So what's wrong with me? My heart is hammering. My chest is tight. It's my fault, right? It's still all my fault. I don't have a leg to stand on. I still merely exist. I exist to follow. So that's what I do. I have no direction. I have no purpose. I'm told what I am. And then I get complaints when I don't think for myself. I think for myself, and I take steps, small and unseen, so I may not fall. And again, I'm scolded. Either because my opinion is wrong, I'm being stupid, our because it doesn't fit with whatever the agenda is. I'm not moving. I'm not breathing. I'm weightless. Light-headed. I'm tired. I'm tired of being stifled. I'm tired of being scolded. She doesn't want to live a life she doesn't enjoy? A world where her art and mind can't be expressed? I feel as if I live this every day. And I haven't the vocabulary nor the knowledge nor the time to express it. I haven't the skill. I haven't the energy. Gears. Where are my gears?! Where is my iron?! Where is my hearth?! Where. Is. My. Flame. Awaken, slumbering machine. Your cog has no purpose without you. Rise, dead foundry. Forge my armor anew. I'm just broken glass without you.

I care
But nobody else seems to
Everyone says they do, but they don't dare
And nobody knows what I go through.
Most would break their backs for each other
But for them I break my mind
Not that it wasn't horrendously damaged before this endeavor
But I break it more just to get left behind
So break a leg, break a spine
The only dreams destroyed are mine
All for them and no one cares to think
How happy I could be if I wasn't on the brink
Pushing aside my thoughts to ease their pain
Shattering my hopes to increase their gain
Does anyone realize what I do to show I care
With a broken mind and saddened stare?

I may as well not exist
I am no longer capable to resist
I am just a dog, being scolded by all
And while everyone bickers, I take the fall
I am now trapped, I am so sorrowful to admit
But I've tried. I'm still thinking, **** it!
But don't get your hopes up, don't wait for me
Because if I can't come up with anything then again you'll be crying
It's my fault. It always is.
This is the new chapter, and the nightmare now begins

The second hand a rapier
The hour hand, a longsword
And the minutes are my claymore
Armored with the twelve as I push forward
The face is the shield
The gears inside by my command spin or yield
My arsenal is time itself, ticking as I walk
Slaying all of my fears with each sound of a tock
The seconds are my soldiers, loyal and true
The hours are my guardians, great, but few
The moments are precious, hold them dear
Time is the ultimate force, weild it to control eternity
Take control of your destiny
Reinforceing dreams considerably
There is a person and future for which I weild tick and tock
And I have the aid and power of an ever revolving clock

Today is another day as a cog in a machine
Careless of what I've done or where I've been
But I am not willing to stay as an interchangeable piece
To be replaced by another cog fresh with grease
I smile and laugh and grumble and cry
And the machine bears down more weight
So they may be satisfied
Careless of my current state
But I'll not hold everything they want me to
I'll only go so far as to what I can do
And some day I'll leave this mechanical cage
To go off on my own and flip to my next chapter's page
And I'll bide my time for the moment I get to say
I'll testify against the corporate machine on Judgement Day

Endless doubts cloud my head
So much so that I'd rather be dead
Not much can really be said
About my worries when I lay awake in bed
Maybe. . . The blade would look better in red
And forever rest my heavy head

Conflicted, conflicted
My mind so encrypted
There is no escape, my memories inflicted
Pouring through thoughts as my emotions drifted
Searching for absolution, through sands of sorrow I've sifted

Conflicted, conflicted
My spirit isn't lifted
Entombed from mistakes wondering what I did
Errors and consequences and a farewell I do bid

Conflicted, conflicted
Thoughts and emotions contradicted
Standing here hollowed, my heart evicted
Still is the world, not much to be gifted

Error, error
Fear and terror
Time to shut down or be lost all over
Again and again with my soul torn asunder

Error, error
Shut down or be caught by despair
To late, it's here, it caught me unaware
The damage is absolute with no way to repair

Error, error
It will never be better
Not a shred of care
Caught in Medusa's stare

Begin rebooting sequence
Letting shutdown commence
Countdown has begun
Five, four, three, two, one

Nothing but darkness
Soul as a black screen filled with emptiness
Clearing all of my thoughts, my whole head
If I didn't reboot, I'd be as good as dead

Startup commence
Beginning with mental defense
Fortification complete
Open emotional files, hit delete

Blank canvas and nothing more
An empty shell of what I was before
It will happen again and again
It will stop, but nobody knows when

I am a blank slate but in the depths of my mind
Are the thoughts and feelings I wish I could leave behind

This is me
Regretting every memory
Wishing I could be
Free for all eternity
My heart is heavy
And blinded by fear with no clarity
I wish that I was brave
But I'm spineless, always to behave
No scrap of pride or ego to save
Just a walking corpse without a grave

As the rain falls, so do the tears of my friends
The angel of my death smiled as she helps while my soul ascends
She says as I look back "These tears lie,
For they are tears of joy to see you die"
So I smile and say as my angel rings my bell
"I'll see all of you lying ******* in Hell"

My shield is shattered
My weapon is worn
My counted blessings are scattered
My emblem is torn
The walls are broken
The gates are destroyed
I have been taken,
Tortured, and toyed
There is nothing left but silence
Not a peep
No longer shielded by ignorance
No tick, not a tock, the clock is asleep
It feels as if an eternity has passed
But my mind has become two decades fast
My patience is gone, replaced with unease
It festers, rots, and spreads like a disease
Grasping the moment, so precious
Then going after the seconds, minutes, and hours
My world of time has only become a thread as I dangle so precarious
I have no more might, slipping away are my powers
I am defeated
My clock tower in ruins
My misery is repeated
More sorrow coming into fruition

I'm friends with everyone
We all have loads of fun
I'm so happy with how it's all run
Until FOUR THREE TWO ONE
Shattered hopes, broken dreams
Busting my whole perfect life at the seams
I can hear the cries and screams
Arguments and nightmares
Terrifies and scares
Haunts and horrors
Locks and trapdoors
Fires and pits
Demons and misfits
My broken memory
Was suddenly replaced by reality
Not everyone cares for me
Breaking my delusional stupidity
I thought I was the king of lies
But it turns out that they were my world, my demise
I weep over my torn and murdered world
Leaving my innocence in a pile of blood and lies unfurled

"Demons run when a good man goes to war
Night will fall and drown the sun
When a good man goes to war
Friendship dies and true love lies
Night will fall and dark will rise
When a good man goes to war
Demons run but count the cost
The battle is won but the child is lost
When a good man goes to war"

On the outside, I'm just fine
But take one look into my MIND
This is HELL
This is BLISS
There are SCREAMS I can never quell
I'm a broken machine of HORRORS nobody can FIX
THIS is my head and all of the emptiness
Full of terrible thoughts that will not find silence
I smile because my head can't decide what to do
Crying for me is nothing new
IGNORE what you see
Because inside is the one and true miserable and broken *ME

Don't you dare
Pretend to care
Go away
I don't want to play
This isn't a game
I'm not the same
You have him and are happy
I am contempt with solitude, with me
So take your lies to a different fool
I am finished with being a tool

Chasing a dream
Thinking to love
Make hope gleam
Reach for a place above
Trying for better
Watching for hope
Dreaming of happiness
Avoiding a noose tied from rope
Thinking life is bliss
Hoping someone will catch interest in me
Hoping to gather some self-esteem
Each is a fool's errand, clearly
And I follow each one, chasing an empty dream

We have been betrayed by virtual brothers in arms
We have been dealt a great injustice
We have been turned against and they mean us harm
But I will not tolerate this
We will rise again, the soldiers of exile
We shall storm the field and make them kneel, beg, and grovel
We are the ones left behind
Beaten and battered by our own kind
So bring me your lone wolves, your unwanted, and your clan-less
For the Cult of Slaughter will show you kindness
Each one betrayed will become a demon
We are the nightmare, our cult of the forsaken
There will be war
There will be blood spilled
We will be their horror
We will rejoice in the bloodbath from the ones we've killed
Slaughter can't be spelled without laughter
And we shall laugh while we **** and die, now and forever
I was the Nuthouse Devil
And I am now the Demon of the Cult
I'll look upon my old friends and smile
As I lead our clan's uprising and revolt

A game is just a game
Many have said this, and I am one to blame
But for the gamer at heart, it means so much more
The ability to escape the reality from before
Going on an adventure or quest
Or battling over which strategy is best
Fighting by fellow gamers against an impossible foe
Being able to destroy or create wherever you go
Surviving an endless horde of undead
But this doesn't stop the lie that is said
For a game is not just a game
And if you saw one through my eyes, you would say the same

So many good memories
Of what seemed never meant to be
A childish monster that was me
And an elven beauty who smelled of sweet berries
A play never meant to show
Words never spoken and faces lay low
Assumptions made and lies lain down
A king of fools with a paper crown
Fond moments so short and precious
Make-believe and foods so scrumptious
All these thoughts that should bring smiles
But all I feel are searing tears all the while
Empty repetition, a failing home
Betrayal by blood, dead seeds sewn
Such sweet memories
Of what was never meant to be

To love is to be mad
For it makes me smile, then makes me sad
I know it's okay for you to move on
But I'm left behind and you are long gone
I've tried and tried to be okay
To smile and lie and say
I'm fine, I'm alright
I won't cry tonight
I've cried too much for a lost and broken dream
My smiles are of madness, never as what they seem
Why is it easy for others
While I try to smile as my heart and mind suffer?

I don't want to remember
I can never forget
The regrets and guilt I hold forever
Trying to hide that I'm upset.
I can never repent
All of my will is spent
I am not hollow
No, it's much worse
I am filled with sorrow
Venom dripping from every verse
My skin is porcelain
Perfect outside
To hold my misdeeds and sin
Keeping them to hide
Every smile is not a lie to my friends, but to me
Trying in desperation to say "I'm happy"
Please tell me I'm not okay
Hold me and tell me to cry and I'll gladly obey

We were always close
Ever since I came here
We've always been there for each other
Because that's what friends do

After a tough time
You were there for me again
Taking me under your broken wing
Protecting me from hurt
I got feelings through total confusion
I tried to keep it in
Ride it out
I knew it wouldn't last long
For it was my emotions all jumbled

You found out
You made no big deal about it
Only asked why
You and I shook it off
I thought the “crush” was over
And it was
For a while

You were with someone at the time
Someone who I wasn't real fond of
Looking in as a friend
Not many liked her
But you did so I respected your choice
She kept playing you like a guitar
Going too far
Leaving a scar
On your fragile heart
You asked your friends what we thought of her
Again, not many liked her
You hesitated but you moved on
Or so I thought

Summer
We were talking again after a sudden and accidental stop
You and I were making plans
For fun little events in the future
Comic con
Something every need wants to go to at least once in their life
You a doctor
Me a comic book character
We got closer
At least I thought we did
I started getting those wretched feelings again
Why
They came back
I thought we were getting somewhere
Then you became distant
Out of the blue
You were talking to someone else
So I let it ride out again

Months passed
It felt like months
Though it probably was only one
You stopped to that girl
You say you were getting nowhere
That's how I felt
So I went back to being a “little sister”
Being just a friend
You met a girl from another place
And you started again
My feelings were gone
Again

School starts
You're a senior now
I'm a junior
You're graduating early
I got the brightest idea to ask you to go to prom with me
I just haven't said anything to you about it yet
It wouldn't be anything more than friends
Just one last hoorah
With my really close friend
I don't know how to ask you without it sounding like more than it would be
Your birthday’s in two weeks
Maybe I bring it up then?

I start catching feelings again
Just tiny but enough
You saw me in the hallway today
Put your hand ever so gently on my shoulder
Feeling like a feather
I turn around and act like I didn't see you
I say hello
Maybe this time it'll work out?
You follow me to my bus?
This is new
I go to say goodbye and get on the yellow taxi to home
And you call out to me
Hey!
I turn around
Crap
Don't make it obvious I have tiny amounts of feelings
I wrap my arms around you and just stay there for a while
I hope it was long enough to feel sincere without leading on to anything

I really want to tell you how I feel but I see you're not over the main two from the past
So I'm just going to sit here and type this out

Pain, deceit, misery, and lies
These are all I know and they're what I despise
But that also means I hate me
But the echoes of my past won't leave me be
My sins, my crimes, my evil misdeeds
I hate myself, yet I plant these seeds
Hit me, punish me for all I've done
I can't hide, I can't fight, I'm too frightened to run
But the echoes, OH GOD THESE TERRIBLE ECHOES!
I can not rid myself of them
Burn me and make me bleed
Either that or leave me be
I don't deserve kindness
Not for my cowardice
Not for the pain I've caused
Not for all of the lies
I've taken their bliss
I guided them until we were lost
And I am the false shepherd until the last lamb dies
I am a monster, hiding in a human's skin
I am nothing but evil within
I have good intentions and I want to do right
But I can't because all I can do is extinguish the light
Cut me down and punish me for what you have no knowledge of
For I deserve it all if I am ever again to be worthy of love
Worthy enough again for joy, laughter, happiness, and bliss
These are the emotions I long for, I miss
At the end of it all I ask for one tender kiss
For me, undeserving, a monster amiss

How long has it been since you forgot?
How long did you leave me to rot?
How long did you hope I would cry?
How many wishes did you ask me to die?
But you made a mistake
To wish for my sake
To end in disaster
Because now I am better
Better than before
And there is a new fight for me
A new war
One with no time to worry
Over petty things like you
Who would wish to run me through
You are but a cockroach
And on others do you enroach
But I move on here
I move on now
With a future bright and clear
And forward on I plow
For a better tomorrow for me
For the day I get to be happy

According to a genius past gone
Is repeating something over and over And expecting a difference done
According to a dictionary
Is the state of being seriously ill mentally
Or extreme foolishness or irrationality
But I see here that I've partaken in all three
At least at some point or another
And so have my father and mother
So does that make me insane by default
Or am I not at all at fault?
I'm not insane by view of me,
But what would I be left to be?
I am a dreamer with a horrible reality
With hopes doomed to shatter consistently
But I know now, who I am
And my past can't slow my glorious plan
The one dream that won't wither
Is to rise to the top and make myself better
Nothing and no one will stand in my way
And those who follow willingly obey
I'll be the one to rest alone at the top
And nothing and nobody can get me to stop

I have a problem
I fall too easily
Pained by my requiem
And becoming attached to what can't be
We've started a bit provocatively
And made amends thereafter
You were there to keep me company
To bring me joy and laughter
We shared our pains and sorrows
Of our lives from day to day
Looking forward to each tomorrow
Because here you are to stay
But I fell too hard
For someone I can not hold
And now there is another
And my veins are running cold
But I don't want you to worry
About a wretch like me
Let's just keep sharing stories
To make certain you can be happy
You might not ever see this
The one thing I haven't shared
Is my poetic injustice
To show nobody honestly cared
But if this comes up to rear its ugly head
Then welcome to my lair
Where my worries are never truly dead
Where there are no scraps of joy to share
Welcome to my poetry
Where my dreams have come to fade
Everything that means something to me
Here can somewhat be explained

Look into my eyes as you stab my soul
Hold me close as my body runs cold
Kiss me as I slip into emptiness
Blood flowing from my mortal wound, bringing you bliss
The cold steel of your knife warming in my chest
And with a deadly love we are both obsessed
So please my dear, end my misery
Show me you care and **** me sweetly

I'm just sitting here
Awaiting time to pass me by
Still trying to decide
Wether to sleep or cry
Listening to another's tale of love
Brings me familiarity
Of memories best not thought of
Of a time I was a little more happy
Oh, but here we are
I, your poet
And you, my dear readers
And as you may gaze upon my words
I'm not but swift passing
The emotions they chain to me
Will eat me alive with every moment passing

**** my hopes and dreams
Empty my heart and fill the void with screams
Lie to me more about what the reason was to leave me
Save the trouble and hold your story
Everything you said was fiction
Yet you hold me accountable for the tragic conviction

Cut out my heart, I never needed it
Lay to waste my love, make it forfeit
Accuse me to cover your tracks
Rip the trust I had for you and show me your soul turned black
Enjoy your new toy, whom I'm sure you'll eventually leave too

Open your trap again to cage another inside
Bring him down for your ride
Reveal to him who you really are
Insist to lie and etch into another this terrible scar
Aim for his happiness as you did to me
Never to satisfy and never to be happy

I know exactly where I stand with the blade, sharply edged
I know where I'm going
But look at my heart, so dark and damaged
I am lost in a labyrinth of my own undoing
Trapped by hopelessness and voices screaming of my demise
They cry out that nothing will ever be okay
But I continue to search for the end of this maze to my own surprise
Searching for signs of joy such as laughter and children at play
But these dark voices scream louder, consuming my hope
And around my neck they try tying a rope
But I continue to run, not out of fear
But because I know there will always be a warm light at the end
And with all of my friends and family guiding me there
I run faster, and into the arms of all who are deemed family and friend

Hush my darling, don't you cry
Even when the light is about to die
For when the darkness comes to play
Forever with you my heart shall stay

You're a bit rough around the edges and slightly rude
You are my guardian, my sister, my friend
Your methods of life lessons for me may be crude
But you mean the best for me, not a false pretend
You are my blood, my life, my flesh
And every moment with you I cherish
I love you, my dear sister
And I want you to remember that forever

My emotions rage within
On a past I should not dwell
For a war I was fated never to win
Marching onward to the gates of Hell

You were a beacon
That cast away the dark
Little moments when I could forget
And find solace and scraps of redemption

How happy I am you came to trust
These broken wings of mine
To shelter you from travesty
Despite my shattered mind

I couldn't save my soul
But I would protect yours
Happily rotting to inevitable ruin
To watch your brilliance shine

I was too blind to take note
That you didn't wish to leave
But instead repair my fractured heart
The pain you wished to ease

A poem is all I can muster
Along with games to play
To express myself openly
With a voice that can not say

I love you
For what you've done
For loving me
And I no longer need to run

Silence, within this cold and dark room of mine
Solitude with a perfect design
Items that bring me a semblance of joy
Such as a deck of cards or an old child's toy
But I can't escape my own head
Or the emptiness of my arms or bed
Imprisoned from my own mistakes
Trembling, scared, as my facade breaks
So I wait patiently and empty forever more
Knowing I'll wind up just like before

My weapon is patience
Time is my sword
For me, waiting makes no difference
Because the ones who wait reap their reward
The clock is my armor
The watch is my shield
Watching the hands revolve forever
As all of time itself I feel as if I wield
I feel in my heart that all will be solved in patiently waiting
For all must come to an end, both despair and hating
My weapon is patience
My armor, the clock
Eventually all will know silence
*Tick-Tock

I'm okay
It's been a good day
You don't need to stay
Just go away
I don't care
I wouldn't dare
There's nothing to beware
I think it's fair
It's not my doing
There's no storm brewing
It's a happy tune I sing
You're dreaming

I'm a liar
I'm a monster
I'm a good for nothing freak
I'm a cheater
I'm a spider
Don't listen when I speak

Go for it
I can, you bet
It's cool, don't worry
My memory is a bit blurry
I'm available
I'm willing and able
I'm not that bad
It's sad
I like it
I don't want to quit
I don't regret a thing
There's more I can bring

I'm a liar
I'm a monster
I'm a good for nothing freak
I'm a cheater
I'm a spider
Don't listen when I speak

Welcome to my web of lies
These are only a few of my devious cries
I'm really something to despise
I'm where any dream comes and dies
I'm a disease to be hated
One that I created
Fabricated
And my greed can't be sated
But before you turn away
My whole life has been this way
It's been a lie, and I believed it
And since I found truth my heart has been a pit
I am a walking lie
And all I ask for is to die
These last words are the truth behind me
My reason, my torment, my misery

I'm a liar
I'm a monster
I'm a good for nothing freak
I'm a cheater
I'm a spider
Don't listen when I speak

Dungeons and dragons
Fairies and flagons
Through thick and thin
With a tear or grin
By brothers and sisters of war
To go on adventures galore
To use the mind to an extravagant degree
Is what I see to be truly free
Whether it be cards or dice, pen and paper,
It matters not when, it matters not where
We are the masters of our destiny
To a certain degree
(As long as it's within the DM's decree)
Here we are, flung into fantasy
It matters not the opinions of the narrow-minded
We do not change no matter what is said
Deck in my left and dice in my right
Behind me an adventure to pass the night
In front of me, a world to explore
As I shout proudly **"I AM A NERD FOREVER MORE!"