People consider basketball a non-violent sport
Well you should see my body
Sure I have the heart, and height
But I never seem to score
I have to pray to be put in
I feel like I'm just not good enough
But I'm gonna stick with it
Because I'll be good soon enough
I love basketball
I love my team
I love all the support
I feel like its all a dream
Thanks to all the girls
Putting up with my lack of knowledge
I really appreciate it
I love you guys
Thank you so much

Now I lay down to sleep
Praying, hoping we don't meet
But every time I close my eyes
I see us together
Then I cry
You took advantage of me
Took my virginity
I fell in love, so to speak
I was soon made to realize
The **** made you different in my eyes
Later realizations
Were made to me
You were older than my dad
You weren't clean
I'm lucky no diseases were
Given to me
Just severe trauma
PTSD

So there are these kids
At the shelter where I live
One is older than me and so cute
He isn't like a little kid
Well enough about those people
Who remind me of my siblings
More about my sister
Who is my little Darth Vader
Her name is Vayda and she's my baby girl
For her I would give the entire world
She's in the best family
Well duh I'm her big sis
But I'm scared that I will fail her
For I cannot stop all this ****
I smoke, I drink, hell I even fight
But I don't want her to resort to that
I'm afraid that she just might..
I do this 'cause I've done it for so long
I cannot stop, but one day it will **** me
That's how I know it is wrong...

Dear little Elias,
You're still not born into this wonderful world
We wish upon you all the strength to get through
The hard parts of life
It's okay to sometimes just cry
We hope you can be honest
Through all the hardships
Life will bring to you
And have the integrity
To get through it too
We hope you do have kindness
No doubt that you always will
We want you to be trustworthy
So we can be honest too
We wish the best of happiness
We know you will always be loved
Keep faith in our heavenly Father
For he has blessed your family with you
We want you to have endurance
And for you to be respected and give respect too
We care here little Elias
HWAM is your biggest fam
We pray that you will grow up Wise
So that you can pick the choice that is right
We wish that all of these will show: Wisdom, Trustworthy, Integrity, Happiness, Kindness, Honesty, Endurance, Respect, Strength, Love, and Faith
I love that you have parents who are truly great

I sit here and all i do is cry
curled up in this blanket, not knowing why
I feel different from this world
I feel invisible
When i'm in my cocoon i feel safe
As if all the pain and scars don't even exist
This blanket is a shield to all those hurtful words
Don't let them affect you, but if you do
Know you have a blanket to keep you shielded too

It's hard to remember
You're Resting In Peace
Mainly because
It doesn't really seem
That you're lying under ground
With your wings fully spread
Always checking on me
You're in the sky above my head
I'm not really sure how this poem will end
I just hope you know
That you're not just my grandpa
You're my friend
You're the brightness
That made Ovaltine to start my day
Drove me to school if I missed the bus
Oh, I had so much fun
Took me to town
Always got me sweets
But don't tell mom and dad
The secret's between you and me
I love you so much
I know that you're free
I just hope you will never
Just forget me
Because I will never ever
Forget you're existence
Because you've done so much for me
I'll live
Waiting for our meeting again
We will both have wings
No more crying in the end

I slit my wrists
You watch me bleed
I slit my wrists for you to see
How much pain you've given me
And how much you really mean to me
I slit my wrists
I watch myself bleed
I slit my wrists tears pouring down my cheeks
You're trying to stop me
I'm getting weak
I fall to the ground to fall asleep
Never to wake up again

I try to stay up every night
To keep me from the dreams of which I fright
There's a whole list of them
But this one hurts the most
My whole family is leaving
By brother and sister are staring
And crying
I am tied to a chair
Forced to watch
As they pull away
In their dark red truck
I am stuck in this chair
For all of eternity
Never to die
Never to socialize
Just sitting there and wondering why
Why did they leave me?
What did I do?
I would have fixed it only if I knew
My roommate says I cry in my sleep
She wonders why
But she will never know
The pain of being left
As some weird freak show

Do I want to listen?
Do I want to hear?
Do I want to die?
Didn’t I make that clear?
Do I want you gone?
Well, I don’t want you here
But if you’re going to be,
Let’s get something clear
*I AM ME
AND I CHOOSE WHAT I DO
AND I WILL TRY AND TRY
NOT TO LISTEN TO YOU
I CONTROL MY LIFE
I CAN CONTROL YOU TOO
IS THAT CLEAR ENOUGH FOR YOU?

There is this little girl
She's living in this big world feeling all alone
Most say she's fine
But there are those few who realize her
That she's all alone
They want to know who
Who would put her in this danger?
Who would let this happen?
They must be a bad person
I look at myself now and realize
It's really is my fault she left
It's my fault my dad isn't here now
And I should just get used to it
Some people may be on the contrary, but I believe this
It's all my fault...
I'm just a *******...

Don't just sit there hating life
If you are, don't you wonder why?
Life is:
Learning new
Identity
Features
Every day
So why hate life
When it's just a whole new experience?!

Now I lay me down to sleep
Praying, hoping we don't meet
But every time I close my eyes
I see us together
Then I cry
You made me think
That you loved me
I thought I loved you, so to speak
But later I finally realized
The **** made you different in my eyes
You took my virginity
My inner sanctum
My inner peace
You switched it with
Your filthy lies
You had *** with me
Over five times
I was only gone for three whole days
Just why, oh why would you treat me that way?
Fourteen girls including me?
What happened to your common sense?
Your dignity?
Oh, wait, the drugs
Now I see
Not much after,
It came to me
You're older than my daddy
You aren't even clean
I'm lucky no diseases
Were given to me
Just sever trauma
PTSD

My entire life is fueled off of
The empty promises
"I promise this is a forever thing"
"I will never leave again"
"You will always be my baby girl
"I swear you're the only one"
And that's only a few of them
The list goes on and on
It surely doesn't help when my Daddy sometimes says,
"Try not to keep your hopes up
You'll just regret it in the end"
And then there goes my Mommy,
"I wish I'd never let you in
I truly don't want to see you,
Never again"
I mean,
I know my Daddy is a drunk
And my Momma's an addict too
But I really thought
For once that
Their love had broken through
I know everybody says
My parents will always care
But if I'm being honest
I just want them to be there
If not for me,
Then most certainly
For the siblings that I love
Because in my mind
There is a list and they are most certainly above
They're my little angels
No matter what bad they have done
I will always love them for being them
All four of them, not just one.

I just need someone to love me
Tell me that they want me
Make sure they know I care
And say they're always there
If I had someone like that
I wouldn't be so lonely
That person would make me feel so *****
I cry every night
Because I've been so hurt
People wonder why
I tell them, they push me in the dirt
People who think they are the ****
Whatever 'cause you can mess with it
That it will be my heart
You little *******!!

The cops may say they're the good guys,
But they don't even know
All the **** we go through
Like all those punches we throw

The cops came and got me last night
Brought me to the psych ward
Gave me a hallucination
Bruised my hands, of course

I struggled and I fought
I didn't wanna go
Get sent back to treatment
Nobody cares about me though

My vision is blurred
Like i'm going blind
You aren't around
And i'm wondering why...
Why did you leave me?
I thought you truly cared
I thought you would stay with me
I thought you were always there
If I had a chance, I would jump for joy
To get you back, hopefully not as a little boy
You need to own up and say that you didn't care
I still wear your clothes
But how would you know?
That I really loved you
There are many fishes
Out there in the big blue sea
I can find one that is better for me
So ******* and all your little friends
I'll find better than you in the end

Everyone says I should love myself
But they don't realize this life I call hell
I'm supposedly part of West Medford's ghetto
I don't think of it that way
I've lived in it my whole life
I didn't even have the thought to ever cry
People would tell me not to be weak
Not to cry, keep an eye open when you sleep
My grandpa died and everything went down
I hated my life
I learned how to cry
And my daddy saw
How bad I wanted to die
We didn't do anything
Until I was 13
Now I love my life, most of the time
I think about my Great Gramma and I have those bad thought
She died while I was in treatment
I still can't believe it
I didn't talk to her before she died
I feel so bad for all the lies
I just lay there and cut and cry
I'm trying so hard
I even stopped cutting
But it's getting bad when I don't have anyone with me!

Today is the worst day
It started alright, no, maybe, okay
My daddy called yesterday
He said he loved me
He said he's just way to busy
Well isn't that the story of my life!
I apologized for things I didn't even do
All he said was a simple Thank you
He said he would call
Today of all days
Sitting here waiting
Hating my life
I just wish that people I miss had more time
Sitting in this homeless shelter
Wanting to just already die

Treatment isn't as fun as you think
People get restrained nearly every day
You're lucky if you have a good group
Treatment means you have no freedom
You're always watched
Staff are always there
And if not staff
The cameras are in every corner watching you
You may need it, which is okay
But if you don't, best choice is to stay with you parents,
until moving day