Ghenwa

Ghenwa Aug 2014

You never know how it hurts till you're there
when you think you've seen it all
someone
will throw a rock at you
disoriented
you're gonna go places you've never thought you'd go to
almost drunk on reality you want to get lost
or just wander
but i'm pretty sure it's being lost
because i've never been so out of place out of time
out of rights
and everything is just so wrong
and nobody said it would be that hard
being on my own
i have learned that you were the only part i loved about myself
and you were the only thing keeping from murdering every part of me that was not you
you made me realise that i couldn't be fine on my own and all i was
all i ever have been was stuck in an illusion
the illusion that reality will set me free
the truth is, reality never set me free of myself
or anything
ever
and all of my fears
were everything i wanted to be
everything I always have been
a monster from within
i never learned to trust anyone not even myself
i learned to fear the clearest places
and love darkness
and i guess you are what you love
then, am i darkness?

Ghenwa Jul 2014

this sadness will never end

It hurts me to know that you feel broken,
Empty or just sad, for whatever reason it may be.
Let me just hold you in my arms
Let me heal every single one of your scars
I will haunt every single one of your demons
Darling, you know how ugly the world is
But you are beautiful
You, beautiful soul
And they all throw rocks at you,
But you know that they throw rocks
At everything that shines.
You know my love,
That we’re all stuck in the same circle of pain,
It ends only when you die,
and may death be as far away from you,
Because I couldn’t live a day without you

for Jason

Ghenwa Jul 2014

remembering

Remembering is, to me a blessing and a curse
it is a blessing because i remember birthdays
and things that make people smile
i remember the small details of the way my lover wakes in the morning
i remember smells and beautiful places
but it is also a curse
because i remember,
the pair of pants i wore when i first kissed you
and i also remember the anger on your face
i remember how i always managed to get you out of your mind
i remember your reactions to my poems
always the same dull expressions on your face
i remember the night you almost hit me
the night you got so mad you could've broken a window
i remember that you have two sides
and it saddens me to see it
it saddens me because
one part of you is sweet
and the other creates thunder
and i don't know which i fell in love with
and i don't know which is worse.

Ghenwa Jul 2014

Toxicity

There is a fine line between love and hate,
Because both are very powerful feelings.
There is fine line between making perfume
and making poison,
One chemical ingredient, dosage, etc.
Changes the whole solution
And if I'm right,
Poison can never go back to being perfume,
and roses cannot turn red again
and the only thing I'm sure of
is that I can't go back to being young,
And they dare say that your young years are the best,
I'm not.
I'm the poison of my generation,
The perfume gone wrong,
I'm as toxic to myself as I am to others,
May I remind each one of you
of the burden I am,
on your shoulders?
May I remind you that the world turns a way
and I run the other.
And this, my friends, is toxic
I'm like a hamster put in a cage,
exhausted,
on the verge of death
My toxicity,
is the burden of the world,
It spreads like water in the sand,
It spreads like the plague
Toxicity is much worse than death,
It is painful
And consuming
Like a role in a play
In which the curtains never close.

Ghenwa Jul 2014

You, are greatness

Today, my mother gave me a hug.
It's wasn't just one of those hugs,
it was a hug that said
'I am proud of you'
It was a hug that said,
'you're a woman now,
you almost made it through'
And as the years passed
I never thought I'd be where I am now,
I am just trying to find myself.

Today, my family said some nice things about me,
it was nice,
because I never would have thought,
ever,
that I'd be the person I am now,
I never thought,
I'd be able to go through it all,
the shyness
the bullies
the scoliosis
and still be alive
But guess what?
I am.
I am alive and kicking
like a baby wanting to get out
during the 9th month

I am alive and kicking like a soccer player
who desperately needs to win a match

I am alive and kicking like every drop of blood in my body
kicking through my veins
and keeping me the way I am

And if I could send a message to who I was,
I would say
'You might not think much of yourself today,
but tomorrow, you will be proven wrong,
because you are worth it,
you are worth a fight,
you are a fighter
and you will fight to be a great person,
or at least to seek greatness in yourself
and in everything you do'

Ghenwa Jun 2014

To my beloved Grandmother.

I regret not saying goodbye to you
Or seeing you before that happened
My last hello could have been my goodbye
I hadn’t seen you in a month
I did talk to you on the phone
From far away, I thought you were okay.
You said it loud and clear
“Those are my last few days”
And I would say, of course not
It was delusional
How we think that life is infinite
That someone is immortal
I don’t know if I said that to console you,
Or myself
I don’t know, now remembering
If it was okay not to cry when you really,
Were gone.
I don’t know what it’s all about;
Life,
Death.
What do we do with it?
I don’t understand.

They described you to me,
On a hospital bed
How sad, how surreal,
So pale, but rosy cheeks and a smile
Are all that I could see.
I didn’t want to visit you in that same hospital bed,
You were in a few months ago.
I was scared I wouldn’t believe it.
I had already gotten to the point,
Even before you were gone,
You were gone
I knew it was going to happen.

I knew I wanted to speak at your funeral,
But didn’t
I knew I wanted closure.

In a grave they dug you.
4AM and your last breath was taken
On a Saturday, I woke up to wear black
To hear my brother cry
For the very first time.

Sitting in a hall where all people cried
Came up to me to tell me
“She’s really gone, isn’t she?’
And I would nod in patience and hug her sisters, her children;
My uncle, my aunts,
My father.
My father whose reaction I didn’t understand
His mother, just gone,
Not a tear in his eye.
In black he was suited
And in black I remain

I did not cry, because I couldn’t.
Was he not crying to be strong?
After all, he was strong.

My mother stood in the middle.
I remember she was crying.
Not her mother, maybe.
But her best company for 20 years,

I remember every bit of it,
Every second,
Every time I ran out trying to tell myself,
That it couldn’t be real,
Every time I stood at the grave,
With the family name
Every time I didn’t really have a choice,
But to smile.
I tried to show how I felt,
But it’s not like that.
It’s not easy trying to be strong,
It’s not easy saying someone got taken away from you.

16 years with me,
And on the 1st of September 2013,
I could hear the bells ring in the morning.
8AM here we are.

*Because I never got to say goodbye, because I never got a chance to show you how much you mean to me. I’m really sorry for not being there when you probably wanted me to.
May you sleep in ever peace. Rest your shoulders and close your eyes for heaven has taken your soul to pass.

#sad #sadness #death #grandma

Ghenwa Jun 2014

down below

She lies awake
in the middle of the night,
wondering what her life was for.
She could almost hear her heart,
through her chest
after days and days of waiting,
for it to slow down
and suddenly stop
She sleeps below her dreams
where the devil himself,
would be too scared to see
and where no soul wishes to stay.