I'm sorry if you're sleeping. I just kind of realized that I've taken you for granted. Really. You were the only person to care about me or be legitimately nice. I know I ****** up, multiple times. Every time made me realize that you were always good to me. I haven't been good to you. I'm so sorry. Everything started at a time in my life when things were bad. Really ******* bad. You were there and it practically saved my life on multiple occasions. I wish I could be that for you, but I'm not a good person. I've become lazy and self centered and horrible and I know you can see that change in me. You're the only one who noticed I was different. I'm going on a rant I'm sorry. If you can call me please please do it as soon as you can.

"I'm scared of commitment. I never gave you the real reason for why I told you I didn't want this. I said things like 'i'm too far away' or 'You deserve better'. Truth is, I'm scared that you'll want to get married someday. That you'll want kids someday. That I'll have to see you die early someday."

"I wish you would let me pay for your hospital bills. It's the least I could do for saying sorry so often."

"I wish I could take it all back. You don't trust me anymore. That's why you're so distant. You don't trust me because I broke up with you and said it was a mistake right after. I don't trust myself."

"Just let me at least buy you lunch."

"I'm sorry you're so sick, but I''m sick too. I just want to be sick with you, for as long as you're still around."

"I've decided I want commitment. I don't want to get married, but I think we'd make super cute babies. Just think of it: beautiful green sad eyes, a chubby face, and my full lips. They would be so beautiful. Your eyes are so beautiful. I don't want them to be gone once you're gone."

"Ty. Ty please. I need you right now."

"I just miss you. I just saw you days ago and I miss you."

"goodnight Ty."

"Sorry."

I can't stop thinking, thinking, thinking
Scratching skin, pulling hair
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry
Oh god, did I say something wrong?
Foot in mouth.
Did I lock the door?
I don't know if I locked the door.
Did I say something wrong?
Foot in throat.
What time is it?
Bouncing leg, shaking hands
I messed up, didn't I
Did I say something wrong?
I said something wrong.
Foot in stomach. Digest foot.
I'm sorry I'm so messed up.
Did I turn the lights off?
Did I take the food out of the oven?
Did I forget to slow down?
Help me to slow down.

sometimes i want to stick my foot so far into my mouth
that it makes it to my stomach
and i digest it.
but that's okay, we all say stupid things sometimes.

I look back upon my own words and wonder
who wrote these?
It seems like it should be me
but it feels so foreign.
The scrawl of my own writing from mere months ago
looks like entirely new handwriting
and it's all really bad
****
my poems are all really bad

STOP
SAYING
EVERYTHING
I SAY
IS
INVALID
you are offended by my feelings
you are offended when i am anxious
i tell you
'i feel unwanted'
and you say
'that makes me feel bad, don't say that'
*******.
I FEEL THIS WAY BECAUSE OF YOU.
I FEEL THIS WAY BECAUSE OF SOMEONE
I INTRODUCED YOU TO
I CAN'T ******* HANDLE THIS ANYMORE
I HATE YOUR ******* GUTS
YOU ARE A MISOGYNIST *******
but you're my only friend
so I'll stick around
I'll stick around
and shut up, like the ******* woman I am.
I am not made to shut up.
I am made to bleed.
I made myself.
I made everything about me.
I am the most important thing in my life
and everyone feels this way.
I am not selfish.
I am in my own head, not anyone elses.
so
GO
****
YOURSELF.
and stop telling me I need to think a certain way.
I WILL BE LOUD
I WILL BE ANNOYING
YOU WILL NOT PUT ME DOWN FOR BEING A FEMINIST
SO SHUT UP
PLEASE.
just let me be selfish.
let me be an *******.
let me be anxious.
I will be everything I ever wanted.
and I hope you can still be my friend.

I keep trying to still be friends
but you gave up
I'm not sure what I'm giving up on