Can’t celebrate something
Because I was just going to do it anyways
(I don’t know the last time I celebrated something I did)
I’ll make jokes posthumously to cover up the resentment

I just don’t want to have to ask to be celebrated!

Unreasonable expectations?
My graduation didn’t look how I wanted it to
It hurt seeing so many people/friends/family gather around my friends

I mourned that loss for a week then found  photos from a 2012 trip to Mexico and couldn’t stop crying because I looked so happy in them

Maybe I’ll never be satisfied
Always waiting for the other shoe to drop
Waiting to get fired
For people to tell me they don’t really like me

“Just trust the process” and
“You made it through those last three years you can make it through this”
But I never felt like I ever tried
Always half-assing it
Waiting for someone to find out my ruse

I didn’t really know what I was doing
I’m just going through the motions
Can I even trust my mind
I can’t stay focused
I wish my brain would reduce its function.
Focus on this instead of erasing whole chunks of my childhood

I’ll be standing in a court house in December
(I hope)
Feeling like a kid despite myself
Heels two sizes too big
And suit jacket sleeves hanging past my wrists

But right now I can’t sleep without something
(Wine, ****)
Phone always on silent
Everyone says this is traumatic
(it feels like it)
This will pass
But
I hope my mind blocks this out too

It's another Saturday and I haven't stopped waking up anxious

I had enough time to think about things before you texted
Don't tell the others...I don't want to get yelled at.
But I knew you would understand.

I kind of blew you off because I needed to go perform.
I don't know how to stop performing.
I don't think I've ever stopped.

The last time I saw you was when I realized I don't have the urge to move back anymore.
The four of us huddled around a high-top
We were sharing oysters and our friends joked about us dating.
College me would have blushed at that.
I love you - but not like that.

I used to relish the potential the city held.
Now it feels like visiting a past life
I don't have that yearning anymore
Everyone I love there still can't keep me.

Two years ago
Sharing a dinner with him at Barcelona and seeing ghosts of everyone I'd dated since reflected in him.
Was that really what I'd sought out?

I keep saying I'll visit
And every trip one more person will try
to convince me to move back
And I'll withhold the urge to remind everyone
it will never be the same.

There's nothing left for me in the swamp.

I listened to Melodrama on the way home,
mourning how I'll never be
17 again.

I am standing with
five rolled-up pages
of poetry in my

hand, ready to lunge
forward and smash it
into oblivion, when

she says, Don’t ****
that fly. Can’t you
see it’s praying?

I found myself again
looking in the mirror
Wouldn’t have expected it
But I think I’ve made peace with myself
(I hope you can too)

Learned lessons
(If she wanted to she would)
And trying not to fall into old habits

Cutting the cord
I hope it doesn’t seem cold
It’s all love, baby

Reminding myself why I’m doing this when the silence digs a pit in my stomach
So when my friends ask about you I don’t have to give an I don’t know
And the pain that comes with that

Hated learning my anger is just like my father’s
There’s nothing more I want to do than cut and run
But I’m trying to be patient

I refuse to beg or wait around for crumbs  

So I remind myself every fifteen minutes that I’m young, hot, and educated
Nothing but net

It’s been six years
And I still don’t know what I want
This could be all I ever wanted
(This is all I ever wanted)

At this point what am I asking for
I’ve hoped, deluded, prayed (when I don’t know where the words go)
Nowhere.

Assume everything always works out for me
(“I’m so lucky” the chorus sings)
Give where I shouldn’t be giving
Never take stuff at face value

Take a crumb and feast off it for weeks,
a banquet,
work a miracle!
Maybe it’ll turn out different this time
(I hope to god it will)

But
I’m an unreliable narrator
I don’t want to ask the hard questions
I don’t have answers for you
I don’t even have answers for myself

I’ll turn a blind eye to prophetic dreams
Then say I didn’t see it coming

So I’ll get another job
(work myself to death)
And in another six months I’ll do this again

This is less fun now
(it’s not)

I scrolled tumblr in the 2010s
Stuffing my gums with the pictures and prose
Guzzling gifsets until they needed to pump my stomach
Eyes bloodshot
Couldn’t stop yawning
(You know that’s a sign of heart failure)

I can’t end up like her
You thought you were dying once
(That was last month)
Holding your breath to see if your heart would slow

But twelve years later
No smarter
Still scrounging for stories on forums
Like I’ll feel that again
Are they less relatable now?

I should be letting go of the log
I’m over it now
(Don’t think about how this never goes away)
The pulsing behind my ears will cease by 9am

Limbs
Words tangled up
Like I’m speaking yours back to you
Through a sieve
Only half of them reach you

Perhaps it got lost halfway down your throat,
my words too

Did I walk into a diner,
spread myself across the counter like the black forest cake in the display case?
Condensation pooling on the inside of the glass
It’s too hot in here

Too much too soon?
Was it
Something
Toothachingly sweet after an indulgent meal
Leaving you feeling sluggish and apathetic

I must know,
But first, to steel my stomach and white-knuckle the last dregs of this feeling

The cat’s got my tongue and given it to the raven
Now, how to get him to free it…