Staples at 9:36am
The markers are more expensive than I recall
I finally got what I needed
I’d been meaning to get it for weeks

Got what I needed I’d
Been waiting for a month
Exhaling

The absurdity is what struck me
Then the florescent hum
Shown off like a set of gel pens in 3rd grade
Passed around for the day
Novelty wore off by recess

Not to mistake obliviousness for malice
But what the hell was that
Unholy matrimony
Something closer to purgatory

I’m not a mind reader
Dial tone, busy signal
You have a phonebook
So tell me

Bewitched by mind and body
But the soul part was forgotten
Along the way

White lie
People pleasing tendencies
I won’t apologize for this
It’s not my mess to fix

Lavender and Lysol
I hope you’re excited!
guidance in the form of secrets
Coming out of your shell (I see the old me in you)

Goblin Market
Tales of trysts with a silk tie
under an amnesiac glow (ggp)
A pre-roll keeps doing a disappearing act

Eucalyptus, sweat, steam
You sat there with me for what felt like hours
Two minutes
Sipped electrolytes

Mexican chocolate is back!
They’re zero waste now
Reminiscing (talking ****)
Helping me fill in the gaps

Part 2, 3, 4
Sour wax crunches when frozen
You don’t know how much I needed this laugh
You guys keep me honest

Now more than a day alone feels like solitary confinement
I’ve shed my introvert childhood
I crave companionship
I know how sweet it can be

People say we die alone - get used to it
But I think I’ll end up somewhere
A mango tree
Arms outstretched
Friends as far as the eye can see

Can’t celebrate something
Because I was just going to do it anyways
(I don’t know the last time I celebrated something I did)
I’ll make jokes posthumously to cover up the resentment

I just don’t want to have to ask to be celebrated!

Unreasonable expectations?
My graduation didn’t look how I wanted it to
It hurt seeing so many people/friends/family gather around my friends

I mourned that loss for a week then found  photos from a 2012 trip to Mexico and couldn’t stop crying because I looked so happy in them

Maybe I’ll never be satisfied
Always waiting for the other shoe to drop
Waiting to get fired
For people to tell me they don’t really like me

“Just trust the process” and
“You made it through those last three years you can make it through this”
But I never felt like I ever tried
Always half-assing it
Waiting for someone to find out my ruse

I didn’t really know what I was doing
I’m just going through the motions
Can I even trust my mind
I can’t stay focused
I wish my brain would reduce its function.
Focus on this instead of erasing whole chunks of my childhood

I’ll be standing in a court house in December
(I hope)
Feeling like a kid despite myself
Heels two sizes too big
And suit jacket sleeves hanging past my wrists

But right now I can’t sleep without something
(Wine, ****)
Phone always on silent
Everyone says this is traumatic
(it feels like it)
This will pass
But
I hope my mind blocks this out too

It's another Saturday and I haven't stopped waking up anxious

I had enough time to think about things before you texted
Don't tell the others...I don't want to get yelled at.
But I knew you would understand.

I kind of blew you off because I needed to go perform.
I don't know how to stop performing.
I don't think I've ever stopped.

The last time I saw you was when I realized I don't have the urge to move back anymore.
The four of us huddled around a high-top
We were sharing oysters and our friends joked about us dating.
College me would have blushed at that.
I love you - but not like that. (that's a lie)

I used to relish the potential the city held.
Now it feels like visiting a past life
I don't have that yearning anymore
Everyone I love there still can't keep me.

Two years ago
Sharing a dinner with him at Barcelona and seeing ghosts of everyone I'd dated since reflected in him.
Was that really what I'd sought out?

I keep saying I'll visit
And every trip one more person will try
to convince me to move back
And I'll withhold the urge to remind everyone
it will never be the same.

There's nothing left for me in the swamp.

I listened to Melodrama on the way home,
mourning how I'll never be
17 again.

I am standing with
five rolled-up pages
of poetry in my

hand, ready to lunge
forward and smash it
into oblivion, when

she says, Don’t ****
that fly. Can’t you
see it’s praying?

I found myself again
looking in the mirror
Wouldn’t have expected it
But I think I’ve made peace with myself
(I hope you can too)

Learned lessons
(If she wanted to she would)
And trying not to fall into old habits

Cutting the cord
I hope it doesn’t seem cold
It’s all love, baby

Reminding myself why I’m doing this when the silence digs a pit in my stomach
So when my friends ask about you I don’t have to give an I don’t know
And the pain that comes with that

Hated learning my anger is just like my father’s
There’s nothing more I want to do than cut and run
But I’m trying to be patient

I refuse to beg or wait around for crumbs  

So I remind myself every fifteen minutes that I’m young, hot, and educated
Nothing but net

It’s been six years
And I still don’t know what I want
This could be all I ever wanted
(This is all I ever wanted)

At this point what am I asking for
I’ve hoped, deluded, prayed (when I don’t know where the words go)
Nowhere.

Assume everything always works out for me
(“I’m so lucky” the chorus sings)
Give where I shouldn’t be giving
Never take stuff at face value

Take a crumb and feast off it for weeks,
a banquet,
work a miracle!
Maybe it’ll turn out different this time
(I hope to god it will)

But
I’m an unreliable narrator
I don’t want to ask the hard questions
I don’t have answers for you
I don’t even have answers for myself

I’ll turn a blind eye to prophetic dreams
Then say I didn’t see it coming

So I’ll get another job
(work myself to death)
And in another six months I’ll do this again