i can hear laughing.
it might be mine,
but it isn't loud enough.
i'm rocking myself
like a crazy person.
i can't feel my skin,
but i know that i'm crying.
i can see the tears hitting the floor
in little drops, like blood from a cut.
something in me wants to think this is a test,
the gods pushing my will,
seeing how close to the edge i'll get
before i jump.
i keep telling myself
that all the bad will weigh out
and one day it'll be euphoria.
but maybe karma really is a *****.
maybe it really doesn't ever get better.

****
when he walked in
i was happy to see him
elated, even
he's the only person
in these past few months
thats treated me like an equal
like a human being
the one person who's shown me respect
listened to me speak
and tried to understand
and ****
i was so happy

and now
i feel like im drowning in mud
my brain feels sticky
and heavy
and slow
and i

why
why did you have to ******* say that
even if it's true
why'd you say it?
do i scare you?
am i scary?

and y'know the wort part?
the worst part is
i thought you cared about me
thought you were helping me
thought you wanted
to help me

but i get it now
you're just too nice
too nice to tell me
that i freak you out
too scared to see me
**** myself
to tell me to
get out

tiny red hearts
in a glass jar
silver string
on my skin

plastic promises
are blown away
by her careful smile
once again