I’ve never loved anyone the way people do in books
I don’t feel a flutter in my chest like a little butterfly has settled there
I don’t know what it’s like to feel my stomach clench and have my heart race
every time i see someones face
I’ve read of girls who sacrifice their lives and boys who fight  
But every time I looked at someone i think I love
I swear someones carved out my insides and left it hollow
because how can i feel absolutely nothing?

Never have I loved
Nor have I owned
Never have I shared
I'm destined to be alone.

In all my years I've noticed
The smiles from my friends
Safe there in their arms
I watch from my safety lens.

So I put up my defences
Build up a brick wall
Without love in a life
It makes one feel so, so, small.

This will be my year.
Unlike the last,
I will not give it away

Flip the pages back
Spiralling spine
Memories flash so fast
In the black print of words
Too quick to read
Only just enough to remember

Back to the beginning
When January came
Back when I had no idea
What was in store for me
All along

I knew it would be bad
But I had no idea it would be war
On myself
and me, on everyone else.

I bled from within
All year long
I filled to the brim
Before I tried to release it
Carving exits
into my skin

This will be my year
I will take what I deserve
and none more
than what
I actually earned.

Leaning over the bathroom basin
I feel the grief finally overtake me

It looms around my head and makes everything go dark
I shudder like I'm having withdrawal from happiness
I have not received my dosage in far too long

Grief slips around my ear and whispers
things no human should ever bear to hear
grief caresses my face as we look into the mirror together and he pretends to care
then punches me straight in the stomach

gasping for air I feel like I'm drowning
Names come to my head and it's them I'm blaming
but when I look up I see the truth
It's my tears that I'm drowning in.

*It's always been me who's the problem, not them.

Time separates me. By the neck and head.
It unscrews me, until I drop dead.
I don't want to write what you want to read
but then again I never want you to see me.

Don't do this, don't be foolish?
Let me tell you, don't
tell me I'm stupid.
Who are you
with your spiked shoes and hell hair
to tell me where to lay my bitterness.
Why - I'll drink myself to death.
Fig blood is sweeter than
the mud in my bedroom
and the drool on my textbooks
anyway
you'll never do a thing about it because
I don't think you've ever cared.

The white washed walls
of my bedroom
are supposed to keep
the bad people out
but all it does
is make me feel
like they're crushing in on me from the outside.

I will dye my beloved brown hair blonde for you
Stand at the mirror -
I pour down the peroxide.
Knives grate my eyes and yet
they've never felt this alive
With my wild smile and
yellow hair. No longer a cub,
but a Lioness.

I will slit my wrists in the bath for you
In any case
these full veins will only take up space.
Fumes of pink against the ceramic varnish
I smile at the sight of your blood leaving me
and this bath has never felt so like home.

Drug overdose,
Old age and comatose,
******,
Suicide,
Disease or
Traffic accident.

Death comes to every single one of us eventually, it is all too common. There's no tragedy in death -

it is how we die that puts a label on our existence as tragic or well lived.

I'm not sure where to begin with words
I haven't used them in a while
Haven't had to
I began to think I never would again

I lost my passion somewhere
in the spiralling vortex that was my thoughts -
So far gone I am -
That I must resort to clichés
To express how I feel

As I sit here my mind is a blank
an empty void, a canvas, but I've seemed to have misplaced the paints?
Irritable ***** claw my eardrums
They're so loud
They drown out the sound of everyone else around me
Never have I felt more alone

When I spoke to you today
on my element, my flowing calm
vast ocean of it's usual energy
dimmed to a dull flat grey.
And we argued with silences and the implied
Blood rushed to my eyes
heating up the *****
SCRAPESCRAPESCAPRE

I fall into the ocean and
it engulfs me in it's arms
like
it knows I'm not alone
As I struggle for air and sight
You speak and your words give me oxygen
Until I breathe it
and I realise it's carbon monoxide

and then

I die

We lie there under the universe
Letting it consume us
You make me feel invincible
I even saw a shooting star

Your words pluck on my heart strings
Like birds playing on violin strings
And I let the world cave in on my chest
As I let out a deep breath

So when I looked across at you
After you made me feel this way
What I didn't expect to see
Was you looking to your right

At her.

*******
**** me
**** everyone you will ever see
**** me up the *******
**** me in the mouth
**** me till I'm gagging
**** me again down south  
**** time
**** life
**** all of you *****

Because I'm so ****-******* tired of this

What kind of a relationship has an expiry date?
28 day return policy
can be returned earlier, but not late,
ensure your rights are protected
that you get your last say

What kind of relationship has an expiry date?
Shirt looks good on the store
Wear it around for a few hours,
get compliments, that fade.
That's okay.
Go back and return it the next day.

What kind of a relationship has an expiry date?
I'm not yesterdays meal
Prepared with care, eaten with vigour,
delicious with flavour
stuffed leftovers into a plastic box
and frozen until you realise
its been in there a month too long
before you chuck it out.

What kind of relationship has an expiry date?
Spoilt milk left out on the kitchen counter
Spilled onto the withering carpet
Desperate to soak through
But the material was so worn
It wouldn't allow it

What kind of relationship has an expiry date?!
Consume within 7 days
If you're finished with it, just throw it away
The clock is ticking, and theres no promise that
this food, will stay

What kind of a relationship has. an. ex. pi. ry. date?
Well, I'll tell you now, mine does.
I guess I'm the only one stupid enough
to fall for someone
who purchases warranty
with every girl he checks at the counter

I never should have entered a relationship with an expiry date.
I guess a girl can hope and a girl can dream
But I know I accepted this fate
I should have never let you in
Now its far too late.

"don't push her over the edge"
they say
as I pull blades across my neck

When you call me at 3 in the morning
From what feels like a thousand miles away
It kills me to hear you say
"I'm not sure he loves me after all that,
in fact, in any way"

I don't know where it came from
but from where you are he cut open my heart too
somehow love's reach
reaches far further out, and through you

I wish I could take some of your pain my love
I wish I could drain it from your veins
but I guess the best that I can do
is try and take some pain from him too
and try and share my hurt with you

So remember my love
Remember that you are strong and
Remember that you are beautiful
But utmost of all
Remember that he doesn't deserve any of you
and that no one ever will.

Oh Darling
Mug of wine
Sick of slumber
Woke me from that place down under
Double kettles
Double things
Shared for all
In eight we
sing

Darling Darling
You're my favourite
Favourite fresh friend favourite favourite
favourite doll fake guitar
fake smile forced for
friends only for awhile

Tugged by a rope
I tied myself
Towed along grass
you skilfully hid
the truth from me

DARLING OH DARLING
I see you now
My brother warned me about you
He saw right through you
right
over
you.

I have a habit of creating monsters,
introducing two elements
who react, create a bomb.
The toxic cloud looms to my legs
and I swear that through my screams
I can hear their laugh

You're in every moment
Of every day

I see you in the corridors, flipping hair out of your eyes like you're a member of the next biggest boy band

I see you on the bus, modest and polite, occasionally saying "hey" or giving me a look that breaks the lock on my imprisoned imagination, allowing the beast to run free and bring a flush to my cheeks
as if you can hear my thoughts

I see you when I don't see you,
in the crevices of the broken wall next to the canteen
in the corner of the room noticing me when I make a witty joke
in poems of infatuation
my overdue spanish homework
and the floorboards in my dance studio.

When I think of your smile it's like cuddling up by the fireplace on a sub zero winter day
It's like being mid jump after taking a bungee plunge
It's like being mid laughter with friends on the first week of summer

And when I'm actually with you - my god when I'm with you
All of Aphrodite's power couldn't change how I feel.

It's a difficult feat to carve deep
into a soul that's made of stone.

No matter which way
what direction you take
the tools aren't there to break it.

For in this world filled with sponge
and soft mousse minds
I used only the meagre
butter knife

But the knives I used to carve my own
Hacked through with gritted teeth
early, near the break of dawn

Weren't strong enough to carve yours
no matter how hard,
how determined I was
to try.

Why is the saying
A "stab in the back"
When all I can feel
is a heavy heart

My words are bland compared to yours
And that scalds me
like fresh coffee on open skin

You're no cliché though
despite your skinny jeans
and catalogue fashion taste

I listen to your words like a
gentle tinkling of a piano tune
that erupts into a Bach symphony.

The heavy weight of your words
crush me. I fight for breath
and recently I've realised
I'm the only one not strong enough
to hold them up.

So at night I realise
the sky doesn't shine for me.
It shines for boys with a mind
way beyond his time,
For boys whose heart
leaks through the ink
of his pen like
an embedded vein.

Every night I realise my insignificance,
and the death of my poetry
whilst yours
beats strongly;
eternally.

So I'm sorry I write things because I only feel like it, okay?
But not everyone can explode
into a smattering
of stars
and
flames;

Like you do.

I’m selfish.
My first instinct is to be selfish, and I know that, but I can’t help myself.
I act rash and I’m a horrible human being, and the worst thing is I know about it straight after I’ve been selfish and feel too bad but too embarrassed to take it back.

I’d rather be a tiger that eats all the deer with complete bliss than the tiger who kills the deer and mourns its death before eating it. There’s no time for mini funerals everyday.

I’m a walking talking disease. Approach me with precaution and i can never hurt you, but approach me with an open heart and no gloves on is like injecting *** right into the bloodstream.

When you’re selfish you turn your back on someone for your own good.
Some people's problem is, always turning back, seeing, SEEING firsthand the disappointment and anger in their face. What I have? eyes built into the back of my head. and I can never forgive myself for any of it.

I think of you
and I want to slide a blade across my veins

I think of you
and I want to stand atop buildings

I think of you
and I want to tie weights to my ankles and fall into a river

Maybe insanity and love
aren't so different after all.

In the spring
I saw you liked a pretty girl
with a pretty smile
a pretty laugh
and a great body

So over the summer I made myself pretty too
changed my hair
changed my makeup
and ate healthy

When I came back to school in the fall
I got double takes from boys
and jealous eyes from girls
but not a single look came from you.

I don’t care about your problems
with other people.
I don’t want to hear your voice
if your saying her name.
But I'm going to brave it anyway
and ask open ended questions
because I love you
in the way
you love her

Never again
Will I open up to anyone other than
my own reflection
in my own mirror
It's MY desk
MY pen
MY words
MY thoughts
They belong to me
and to give them away
is the greatest tragedy

Respect is not clean
it's ***** just beneath the surface
something you can't reach nor
scrub at with your brush
no matter how hard you try
you can't
unless you break it open

One too many times I've let people see
the weakness that lurks underneath
the frail bones
of a weak mind
of a weak, weak spine

But you're certain that underneath all that
it would have looked good anyway
so you take it for what it is
and pray the dirt isn't covering anything
too horrifying

Never again will I ever tell.
Because these words are mine
I'll never give them away again for free.
I don't need anyone to tell me who I need to be

It was nice while it lasted, I guess.
On to the next.

She took it with her,
that girl.

I bet she had a sick smile
a heart of gold
that only you could see
but to everyone else
it was just a heart that was heavy

I bet you thought
it was the two of you
against the world
and I'd bet that night a thousand times
that you still do

I'd never heard a laugh so sincere
come from the lips
of someone so broken and insecure
a voice so calm
come from the mouth of someone
so wild and erratic

I see you now
and when I see you I see her
but just a remnant part
because she took it with her
******
she took you with her
and you just won't go get it back.

Try too little,
and then get blamed.

Try too hard,
excuses in response are made.

The loneliness consumes me.

I couldn't make you love me
So I made you hate me
instead. I don't know. I guess
I couldn't bear the thought of you
not feeling as intensely
as I do.
After all,
love and hate burn from the same fire.
Don't they?

I’ve slit my wrists to drain your blood from my veins.
I’ve slashed my chin to deform the replication of yours.
I’ve broken bones,
changed my nose,
scabbed my knees
pierced my eyebrowsearslipscheekstongue and
just last week I got yet another tattoo
of a horned goat with a crown of thorns just to spite you
and your religion
and I snort ******* too,
it will colour my world way better than your eyes ever ******* saw it.

Because at the end of the day?
I’d rather be deranged.
Than share something in common with you,

Père.

You smell like the night.
Not one of school or work,
Red light rush home
Headlights burn dim
In the puddles of --
lamp light.

Nor stale air,
Flickering overhead.
That bulb dies
at the same time
as someone packs up their baggage,
creeping it downstairs

No. You smell like the night.

I know its you when
Warm tobacco wraps around
holds me firmly but gently
The faint smell of marijuana
tracing light lines along my collarbones.

No cheap mulled christmas drink
could make me as warm
as the sandalwood perfume
that lingers on your clothes

and then on mine.

If life were an ocean,
you would be a whale,
and I would be glass.

My eyes flicked from side to side
As zeus picked up athena
And hera
Went back to hades

The lonely woman
Refuses to love
Refuses to date
Watches on in earnest as two naïve teenagers give their souls to each other

Yet she refuses all the things she's been offered
because love has the power to destroy your insides: heart, mind and soul
and the only defence she has  
is her steel exterior.

I spent my entire life trying to escape life itself.
Reading for hours on end, sitting up late until the sun rose pretending there was no one else in the world and that it was mine for the taking.

In my mind I created my own skies, mountains, colours, political parties, poetry, boyfriends, friends, and controlled the story.
In my head I wrote myself a new life, one that I lived in more than humanity’s reality.
My created reality was more real to me than what was reality to everyone else.

And that’s the thing about it. Reality is what we choose it to be. I chose one where I could be alone. And as long as I believe in my reality, no one can ever claim I do not live a full life.

When I talk with you
My heart clenches with the force of a thousand fists
as I see the words tumble out of your mouth
each one lined with a dozen tiny sharpened daggers
like they have teeth that snarl at me as much as you do.

When I talk with you
I feel the waves of relief crash over me and I'm suspended
in a vast peaceful blue with nothing but a distant song
that I can't understand, but I let the blue swallow me
and I let my mind wander with ignorant bliss

When I surface the water
somethings changed but I can't place it
whenever I walk near trees, I don't hear  
the birds song anymore
whenever I dive near waterfalls
the crash of water against rock doesn't seem to loud anymore
whenever I go to pick up shells by the sea shore
the ***** scuttle away into their sand holes
leaving me alone and confused with the waste of the world washed up on the beach.

whenever I wander into parks
mother's eye me and shield their children's eyes
whenever I go to clubs
tall toothpicks with faces and blonde hair look at me with contempt

and when I wander around with a heavy feeling like I'm carrying a lead backpack
I start to wonder if it's me that's driving everything away
Is it how I look? Did I do wrong?

And it's not until someone tells me that I realise
There's blood trickling down my back
and an 8 inch scimitar
lodged into my spine.

Petals drenched in blood
clumsily cover up the wet
flesh underneath.  
As you sit on those steps
and the blood runs down the stairs
through your grin and
split your teeth.

The words you whispered were silk sliding across my skin
I felt your steady breath fluttering gently against my neck
I felt safer than I had in months, but what I didn't realise
Was that you were dragging thread-thin blades down my back
so softly that I mistook them for your rough fingers
and that one day,
you would leave me to bleed out,
lying there still blissfully unaware,
all by myself.