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Everything ends
That thought is so strange to me
That one day
I'll just be another sad face
In a sea of people rushing by you
That I won't have a meaning
Attached to my name
I'll just be another sad girl
But I'll never forget you
I'll never forget how you:
Sent tingles down my spine
And made my hands sweaty
With just a touch.
I'll remember how it seemed
Our lips were cut
From the same mold.
I'll remember how fussy you are
About the smallest things
That I don't give a **** about
All I care about is you
And your golden eyes.
I love you.
And I won't forget you.
But you'll forget me.
You'll forget how hard
I made you laugh
How happy you were
When you were with me
And the way it felt
When my hips
Were flushed against yours.
In reckless abandon of sanity.
But that's not all.
You'll forget this town
And everyone in it.
You'll leave.
But I'll still be crying
Over memories
I'm to scared to let go of.
Because that would mean
I would be letting go of you.
I love him so much it hurts. But he is not mine anymore.
I'm sleeping, dreaming, suffering sensory deprivation
Inhibited, relaxed, circadian rhythms coursing through
REM, renewing cells, awaiting the terror of the night.

I wake, here you come, slowly, announcing your presence
Until you stand over me
I cannot move, immobile

I cannot scream, mute
I cannot fight, struggle or defend
I feel you, looming above me

Thrashing will only alert you to my knowing of you
I calm my breathing, relax my posture, think of the coming sun
Advertising my lie that I know you are here.

You lean forward I smell your foul, fecund hot breath
Your infertile want of me by you, but I want him
You are not him

Slowly, you pull the sheet down
I remain still,knowing that you do not exist
A memory of long ago, of my helplessness

He, is asleep beside me unaware of you
Of your torment night after night
I want him to turn in his sleep

To face me, take me into a lover's knot
Show you my tormentor that you failed
Failed when I was 18, and will fail now I'm 39

But, he sleeps the sleep of the innocent
You keep trying, night after long night
And, I will keep eluding you.
© JLB
I want to evaporate
Disappear into the great
Black obysss.
Into the night sky
So clear and sure
Twinkling and sparkling
Moon dust in my hair
I dance with death,
He spins me and twirls me.
He's my puppet master
He's dangling my life
By a silken shimmering silver thread.
He kisses my neck,
And my chapped parted lips
Forever screaming silent pleas
Someone, anyone,
Save me from the nothing
I've slowly become.
I'm done with dancing,
I've grown to tired to keep going,
Take me with death.
I'm done with dancing.
My heart aches and yearns,
For a past that will never return.
A life I can never have,
A family I've lost,
Somewhere in this journey.
I'm done with dancing.
My mind bleeds
Forever asking me why do stay.
It'd be so easy. To just slip away.
To forget the reasons why,
I should never pull the trigger.
And be selfish. And just do it.
I'm done with dancing.
My soul is screaming and careening.
I don't know who I am anymore.
I've lost my way and myself.
I'm tortured by demons
Ever present. Ever there.
Whispering in my ear,
They tell me what to do.
I'm done with dancing.
I shake the moon dust from my hair.
It'll melt in hell anyway.
:/
  Apr 2014 Diary of the Damned
D
I feel like ripping my insides out
For no real reason other than to see
What they look like..
I bet it would look something like
Spaghetti
I use to like spaghetti, a lot
But I think I ate it too much as a kid
Because when I think of it now,
I hate it
Is it better to hate something - or
Someone - for making you sad?
Or is it better to just be sad?
I don't know the answer,
I don't know if I even want to know
Being sad about something for so long,
It hurts you, only you. I know it does.
I also know hating someone for hurting you
Doesn't hurt them, only you.
But which one hurts less?
Which one will make it better,
If not now, later?
I just want to be okay..
she picks up the shards
of her broken mind places them in
neat arrangement of prettiest colours
giving such names and thinks of lives
they have never lead
with husbands never met
pretty dresses for each adorned piece
of her mad mad mind
but it delights her no end
to imagine the tender kiss each one gets
the warm embrace earned by fretting the cookies and pie
quick teddy roosevelt steals a cookie with
a toothy grin
its just a image of a shattered shard
but its enough

carrying her caravan of eyes
in a concealing tortoise shell bag
she seals away along the edge of
perceived existence where the headlights don't shine
the houses far off enough not to see clearly
she makes for the wood and the
wind soaked lake
its dark waters crisp and cold
on her hot feet
a place where she is alone enough
to feel free

she lays her eggshell children of the mind
on the glacier torn rock
in the brilliant summer sun
where without motion sparkle and gleam like silent fire
and sings to them
a lullaby
ring a round the rosie pocket full of posies
plague men come knockin on the door
but quick teddy roosevelt long gone
dig a hole for you
dig a hole for me
thrice you labour in the all day into night
thrice you pile earthen mounds in the sun
but never no more
spend your pocket of posies my young one
she gathers up her shattered mind
and flees home finally able to see
the plague is of the mind
and it has come home to roost
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