The one fear I have is not dying because I bled out
Nor is it death by suffocation.
The one fear that I have is not losing my self though I rather not lose myself.
It's not not being able to speak anymore
No my one fear is that I might not be good enough for you.

I have never had any things like this before.
It might seem odd for a guy like me
Who seems so confident and such
But the truth is I never dated anyone I actually liked
that is until I began dating  you.

I don't know what to do,
I am just a baby learning it's first steps
learning it's first words.
I am relative new to all this.
This dating thing, this liking.

I don't know if I should hold onto you or stay a good few inches away.
I don't know if I should kiss you on the cheek or on your lips.
I don't know what to do. I just don't.

You couldn't help yourself could you?
You had to listen to that snake that was basically telling you sweet nothings.
Didn't you at least once questioned why a snake was talking to you in the first place?
I am pretty sure that it was the only creature that could talk so why weren't you like
OHHHH HELLL NO

You ate the fruit cause it's suppose to give you wisdom
Yeah it gave you wisdom only because you made a mistake

Then you had to share the wealth with Adam
it's bad enough you went out and believed a snake, maybe you were high or something,
But you had to get poor little Adam in trouble too.

Now he made a mistake and got wiser
now Because of y'all two we all grow old and die
Women have to have pain when giving birth
Men have to break their backs picking up weeds and junk

This is all true
It's according to the bible
but what gets me
is that Snake talked
and you didn't even blink an eye.

"Colored"

E-Q-U-A-L-I-T-Y         X

F-R-E-E-D-O-M           X

I-N-T-E-G-R-A-T-I-O-N   X

S-E-G-R-E-G-A-T-I-O-N     ✔

O-P-P-R-E-S-S-I-O-N         ✔

I-N-E-Q-U-A-L-I-T-Y          ✔

"Colored"

Excuse me as I rant.

I am tried of trying to inhale religious  expectations
expecting it to restore some coloration
Within the walls of my longing to be accepted soul
Because once I inhale
I'm drowning with rules and regulations
Suffering by asphyxiation.
On one hand I am told not to fall into temptation
On the other my fingers count the scars of self mutilation.
And they wonder why there's lack of communication
When most spit their words calling us abominations.
But Franny that's what they believe
yeah and I believe their teachings are a form of defecation.
you see what I mean, it's all 'bout interpretation
They see lustful behavior needing modification
I see nature and nurture working in collaboration.
because I am more than just a concept of sexualization.
Because I am more than God's "Mistaken creation"

I wanna write a song with lyrical meaning
but don't know what to sing 'bout tonight.
S'pose I be a selfish man and sing 'bout yo love
More like the lack thereof tonight.

Them lights overhead replace faces with blur
as I watch them consume shots of burbon.
S'pose I be a sympathetic man, sing 'bout the hurt
That's be hitting them towns Rural n urban.

s'pose, I just go on home now
Watch the Sun divorce this town
as it takes all it's colors with it.

(shrugs)

I finger paint the craters of the moon with hints of your smile. Whoever said to start counting sheep can never fathom the importance of keeping track of the times your name is exhaled. I can never play connect the dots with the stars for I will only spell yours right next to the wishing star. I pretend the universe is paper and fold it. I am closer to you than ever before but the stars are crossed.

But then when I saw your face
I had to look away.
And I felt your eyes gazing me over
taking in every detail that I was offering
I still want you.
so please stop staring.

STOP! STOP HURTING ME
But they don’t listen and keep pushing
STOP! STOP HATING ME
But they don’t listen and keep going
STOP! JUST STOP
They don’t listen and snicker
STOP! I Can’t take anymore
They don’t listen and continue anyway

STOP! DON’T DO IT
But I don’t listen and look down
STOP! STOP AND LISTEN TO US!
Why listen when they tuned my pleas out
STOP! THINK FOR A MINUTE!

NO! YOU STOP AND THINK FOR A MINUTE
THINK ABOUT ALL YOU HAVE SAID
THINK ABOUT ALL YOU HAVE DONE
ALL THE WORDS THAT BURNED AND LEFT MARKS
ALL THOSE WORDS THAT COILED AROUND ME LIKE SNAKES

Think about all the wrong you done to me
You painted with black and red on a canvas that needed mending
You threw a pitch to a batter who had a broken bat

STOP! WE DIDN'T MEAN IT
But I already took a step and began to fall

A sky dyed in majenta ,but watered almost to a faint, is threatened by hints of gray.
The sun sets more westward, its another end of the day
More hints of gray paint
are underway.

When I saw you make your way towards the door
My stomach went all weird
I felt a tingle, first small than a bit more

My friend has told me that it is nothing but obsession
But would I get this tingle in my stomach
This feeling that makes my cheek warm
This feeling that makes me look away
This feeling that I call love

I felt happiness when my eyes rested on you
But then sadness overcame me like a sickness
Showering with me sorrow
For I know I can only look but never touch

This sorrow that hangs over me like a cloud
Is just the constant reminder
But then that feeling turns to Jealousy
When I see you hang around and cling to that person
I want that to be me but I know that it will never be me  
I feel like ripping them from your arms
Like tearing them to shreds for being with you
But.... I can't

I love you and I know it is true
Why else would I feel like this with you
Why else would I look at you and just dream of resting upon your chest
Why else would I feel like you are my whole world, the sun, the moon and the stars

I want you but I can't have you
So I just stay at bay.
Wanting for this love to be a two way street
Not just one way

But it won't
So I love you but it's not returned

Strip away this smile
and you will see a frown so harsh
Strip away my words
and you will find I rather be mute anyway
Strip me from my feelings
I will thank you cause I don't like them
Strip them one by one

Strip me from the food i eat
and you will see that I force myself at times
Strip me from my mind
And you will see that I struggle to tame it
Strip away all of me
And I will be in your debt
For being me is never easy

I want my words to be stripped
beacause they hurt more than cure
I want my smile to be stripped
For it is false like my feelings most of the time

Just strip me till i am bare
Strip me till I'm nothing
You would be doing the world a favor

And I continue to read the rules and regualtions
and as I do fish are flicking their tails inside my stomach
letting the acid drip off the walls.

Suppose to teach not tell us that people like me are disgusting
Under my skin and I feel like lashing out to her but I don't
Because I know better, I might say a word or two to My Principal though

You covered your no with so much sugar
He ate it up thinking it was a yes.
Now when you tell him
he is going to be sick.

The sun, the big ball of light up in the sky, warms me.
The breeze, the whispers of the world, cools me.
The trees, the elders with wisdom but can't speak, shades me.
The river, the playful one with it running, chills me.

Surrounded by hypocrites.
I can feel there words press against me.
Surrounded by liars
I can feel their lies tug at their hearts
Surrounded by strangers
I can feel their eyes, their elevator eyes
Each part of my body is a floor they want to explore
Surrounded by the truth
Something that I want all the time but it is scarce like mining for the one Diamond


I don't like being surrounded

He can take your heart place it on the seat.
He can press the bar down to secure you from running away.
He can take you on a ride.
How high can he go? Better yet how low can he go?

Maybe when he reaches the ******,
When your heart is on a high and admiring the view that's before you
When your breath is taken and leaves with the wind racing against yourself

Maybe then he will let the bar up
and watch you fall
like you did to me.

As I looked upon the mirror and noticed its mimicking, I found a splotch of dirt where a shirt pocket should have been.
I dabbed a cloth in suds, I'm told its substance is the best
but no amount of vigorous scrubbing
could have removed the splotch.

The audience sits taking in the last scene of the show.
The strain of the chairs echoed.
I guess that's it.
We ran a great show.
You were a great cast member.
Tonight is the beginning of the end.
Tomorrow, you will be on Broadway
And I will sit and write screenplays instead of performing.

Take a breath
Let it out.

Take a breath
Let it out
Let it out.
someone told you you weren't enough
Someone told you your time is up.
Take breathe
Let it out.

And turn.

We all have those moments
when we drown in self doubt
We all have those moments
when we get stretched out

And the world becomes nothing like our dreams
And the world becomes nothing we can see

Take a breath
Let it out.
stare the world in it's eyes
and turn.
Take a breath
let it out
They can't give you
what you deserve.
They can kick you in the rear
And smear you with "queer"
But Take a breath
Let it out
Take breathe
Let...it ...Out

Take me back to the past
where my life was perfect
Where the only trouble was if I had to wear blue or Red.

Take me back quickly
because the troubles of the present
Can only lead to my destruction
In the future.

I am tired of all this ******* flying through the fan
I closed the closet door so I can be a “man”
Alone in the darkness
I start to get a thought
I shouldn’t be locked up here
Cause my people, they fought

I’m tearing the hinges, cracking the walls
Loving who I want shouldn’t be against the law
You spit out words, you make violent actions
But loving a man gives me satisfaction
So we will pour are love to put out your matches

You tell me that I should stop thinking stupid things
But these are not thoughts, they are my feelings
They can’t change, and though this might sound cliché
I was born this way, I am sorry your son was born gay
But stop hating, stop degrading, stop trying to change me
Cause I am a human, a human being
Cause I am not a puppet and you the master pulling the strings
I am not a robot who can’t feel a thing
Your words hurt though I might not show
They always hit me high, the middle, and low
And you know,
I just might end up leaving

You can take me as I come
And we can try to fix what got broken
But none of it will ever be forgotten
And no forgiveness cause you weren’t jokin’

Or you can leave me
Like I am trash that needs to be taken out
You can cut me from the pictures
You can scrub me from your memories
Anything to make me gone
Frankly I don’t care
Because either way
No matter what you do
I will be me
I will be free
The choice is up to you

Take this knife
This dagger of Love
and sheer the veins from my heart.
Drain the blood into the ocean
to be lost in the tears.
Take my heart and place it in a box
And bury it
in the memory of you.

Take your words and throw them around but there will be no one left to catch them
Take your words and say them loud but there will be no one left to hear them
Take your words and eat them slowly one by one as you take a swing of your pride
Take your words and wrap yourself to give you a false sense of security
Take your words and use them as a cane to help you walk but they will only ******* you more
Then soon you will go to the grave with your words buried with you while others use them to bury you
For there will be no more people to take your words

A drop of rain but not from the sky is caught by a leaf but not from a tree
Its a tear and a finger you see.

These tears that were shed last night
Were  not for the one way love
But for the denial to know
To know who he was

Not his name cause I already know it
But who he was as a person

These tears that were shed last night
Were not cause I had enough
But because I am not accepted

From the way you speak
From the way you look at me
From the way you make me feel

I spent all night last night fighting thoughts of death
Ignoring the way they made death sound sweet
I fought the urge to take my last breath
Fought the urge to accept defeat

I need to stop letting you through the walls
And get up the i fall
Just because you are my mother
Doesn't mean i want find another
I am tired of all the things you make me feelall you do is peel
Me slowly you need to stop please
I am tried of all these tears i shed because of you

You go and take control of every aspect of my life
You tell me where to go and dictate what's wrong and what's right
But Now I think I've had enough
you gave that one final shove
You can't tell me who to love.

SHUT UP! Take your verses
Shove them in your purse and
Leave me the hell alone
I don't give a **** This is my soul.

I'm getting lost in my mind trying to leave behind everything that leads to you
But in the end I met with repercussions with no idea what to do.
And I am told to ignore all your words from the past of my youth
But how do you muffle sounds when it was all you ever knew?

at this moment reminiscing gives me such a high
but I know I'll withdrawal before the end of the night
And the tears that I'm holding are comming on nigh
I know the sheets will drown with shattered dreams at the end of the night.

But it wasn't your fault at least that's what I say
Because once a heart is set, it can't change its way
or Changes its course it has for the day
or for the rest of its life though it brings dismay.

I was too caught up in visions too caught up in scripted fantasies
to even acknowledge that it aint possible this thought of you and me.
But that's what happens when you are a teenager in love  you disagree
With the truth that lies before you, you try to work its kinks.

And I am sorry for applying too much pressure when you were screaming for me to stop
I guess lost in my own head the screws the pins all of 'em popped
Leaving me diluted with polluted thoughts.
But that's what happens when you are a teenager in love  you disagree
With the truth that lies before you, you try to work its kinks.

Tell me something I need to hear but don't want to hear
Tell me something that my heart longs for but doesn't long for
Tell me something that Causes me to melt but then causes me to freeze
Tell me something, anything that has a double meaning

Te quiero
yo Pienso  que te amo

Todo los dias yo pienso en ti
Todos los dias yo oigo tu voz
Todas las noches me acuesto contigo en mi mente

Te quiero
Yo pienso que te amo

Yo no se como explicar
Yo no se como decir
Yo no se
Yo no se nada pero
yo si se que

Te quiero
Yo pienso que te amo

This is to my followers and the likers
Y'all are the ones who keep me going
keep me moving
Keep me glowing

Y'all are the ones who leave me hopeful
Leave me laughing
Leave me boastful

Y'all are the ones who make me smile
make me chuckle
Make my time worth while

So Thanks, Thank you all
For giving me support
For giving me likes
If I met y'all I  Would assort
with y'all

So thanks again
my followers and likers

Though my love was in its infantcy
you were patient.

you were proud with every step I took and appluaed the almost steps for they were almost a step further for the last.
When I fell and wanted to stay seated and not bother with getting up you helped me get back on my feet and try agian.
when i needed guidance you were there to hold my hand all the way until i could love on my own.

Thank you for letting me hold him.
Thank you for letting him ask if I wanted anything to eat
Thank you for his side hug.

Thank you for my frantic search for him
Thank you for our awkward dance
Thank you for all the eyes staring and all the awwings at us as I was about to kiss him
Thank you for his embrassed  Not it front of everybody
Thank you for dissappearing as we kissed.
Thank you for leaving me just hanging there wanting more
Thank you.

Hear me when I say this

I can never go back to that place

The walls are covered with carvings made with fingernails
Covered in dents and brusies scars of battles its won.

I can never go back into that place

The hinges never stay slient even when the door is closed
They only speak in taunts spinning lies and hateful truths.

The floor is covered with tears
Blood
and memories that never saw light.

I can never go back into that place.
You cant make me.

You order two books off of Barnes and Noble
And perpetually wait by the porch
Every day to glimpse the mail carrier’s hands.
Anxiety settles upon your shoulders
Like the world on Atlas’s but because you believe
Carrying anxiety is not as intense
As carrying the world you shrug it off
But secretly, behind closed doors, your heart is biting its nails
Faster than it can pump blood
Because the world must not know what you are waiting for
Especially your parents for if they caught wind of it
You believe in your very core that they will douse them in gasoline
And ask you “at what temperature do books burn”
Before dropping a lit match onto the only security you have ever known.

I use to be in the closet
I use to go through all these false motions
Feel all these fake emotions
I would put the straight face on
But I would always feel out of place

The closet was where I would pack away all my insecurities.
I would put them in boxes for later so I could look back at the dark memories.
And whenever I felt threaten
I would hide in the closet
But the walls would sometimes come too closely
I would get claustrophobic
As it suffocated me slowly

Running out of oxygen, I would bang on the door to be let out  
I would scream, beg and I would shout to be let out
And when I finally mustered the strength to cross the threshold
I was shoved back in
I was told that I couldn't love him
I was told I was a sin, that I should have never been

I fought as they shut the door and turned the lock
I was in the closet but this time The new me wanted to be free
I tore the hinges from the closet door off
I tore down the walls and pounded them into dust
And after looking at my beautiful destruction I felt justice

Because the closet is man-made invention
To keep us under control
It’s like a shock collar; you cross the line that separates you get a lashin’
Its heavy rods and big metal ***** to weigh us down
It’s something they use to stifle us so we won’t make a sound
But I say no more

No more should I have to go back to the closet
To where I must feel shame
To where I must bear chains
The closet must not be, no more

I use to be in the closet
I use to go through all these false motions
Feel all these fake emotions
I would put the straight face on
But I would always feel out of place

The closet was where I would pack away all my insecurities.
I would put them in boxes for later so I could look back at the dark memories.
And whenever I felt threaten
I would hide in the closet.

But the walls would sometimes come too closely
I would get claustrophobic
As it suffocated me slowly.

Running out of oxygen, I would pelt the door with my fists to be let out  
I would scream, beg and shout to be let out
And when I finally mustered the strength to cross the threshold
I was shoved back in
I was told that I couldn’t love him
That I should have never been
I love you but I hate your sin.
Time and Time again.

I fought as they shut the door and turned the lock
I was in the closet but this time the new me wanted to be free
The half king, Half queen me wanted some liberty.
I tore the hinges from the closet door off
I tore down the walls and pounded them into dust
And after looking at my beautiful destruction I felt justice

Because the closet is man-made invention
To keep us under control.
The story no one mentions but they know it by heart
So they stay away and not wanting any comprehension.
It’s something they use to stifle us so we won’t make a sound.
Something that will keep our feelings hidden in the background.
So it won’t mess up their “beautifully normal” foreground.

But I say no more

No more should we have to go back to the closet
To where we must feel shame
To where we must bear chains
To where we have many names
To where it gets dies, our flame

The closet must be, no more

Is it wrong to imagine the covers as your body
and feel the heat increase?
Is it wrong to wrap my arms around
and with my lips begin to  tease?
Is it wrong to let my hand travel up "your shirt"
and feel the inner peace?
If it is then let me be wrong
before I fall asleep.

Tonight
h
e
r
e

Were
i
s
h
e
s

Made

But
e
c
a
u
s
e

Of
u
r

d­istance

We
e
r
e

done

I inhale and memories come knocking on the door.

They beacon,they call
They chant and knock hard

That door must remain closed
They must not be let in.
Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin.

They still knock,they still holler
They bang and shake

But the door will remain closed

And I still carry with me
That drawing.
It's covered in wrinkles on its once flawless white skin.
Fold marks were never there but now after folding it so many times
After so many openings to see how beautiful your soul could be
The paper is slowly coming apart.
I still carry it where ever I go.
I sleep with it in my pocket and hold onto to it when I need you to protect me from the dark and its shadows.
Even when I am next to you in person I carry it.
Do you know that I carry it?
That drawing of the rose.
The one you gave me on Valentines day.

It's in my pocket
Right
Now.

Anthony, I still have it.

And then from the corner of the building
came a vehicle storming through the street.
The driver desperately drove determined to diverge
into another lane but he catastrophically crashed into a cemented wall.

With my eyes wide open I see through all the false truths
But should I disregard them and ignore what I see
Turn my eyes blind and fill myself with a false truth?
Or, confront them and try to make sense of why this is the way it is
keep my eyes open and empty my self from these lies?

After the faint grazing of my arm by your unaware fingers,
The candle was lit and it ignited its cage.
Famished, the flames unfettered the bounds
Consumed every fiber of self-doubt
My heart fell into the smoldering ash
Gazed above at the fiery mass
And sighed.

And the feelings never left.
They were just tucked away in the neat folds of my heart.
Some days I did my best to cover them up with my rib cage
but other days the feelings would slip their way through the gaps
and show.
But I don't know if you saw something
you probably didn't.

There is a fog
It dragged it's legs on the floor
Using it's arms to pull it's self towards me
I watched it with eyes
A superstitious person would wear.
It pushed it self up.
Reached for my clothes
Tugged on my clothes
Clinged to my clothes.
Then it left.

All I Have left is the hat
The hat that was given to me
I don't know what for
But it just makes me cry more

It is black
Like the whole that is left in my heart
Like the bitterness I have within myself
It has red on the rim
Like the anger I have but not at him but at me
Like the color I see when I close my eyes

Where a head is suppose to be it is Empty
Like the feeling I have
Like the words I say to myself , "I will find love, even if it ain't with him"

All I have is the hat
The hat he gave me
The hat only the hat
Is all I have

Nothing but The Hat

The heart
              Is an oddity
Every heart beat
             Sends you deeper into an abyss
Where caverns must be explored
             ,Light is a rarity,
Where one
             could be lost
              In
                    Love.