This heart is wanting
But it can't have what it wants
It tries to move on

It beckons for love
It calls to be loved by him
Him and Only him

This heart knows it can't
It tries to forget but can't
Wants him only him

Time and Time again
This heart begs for him to be
In his arms always

But it knows it can't
This heart knows if it was to
Be then it would be

The holocaust was a terrible catastrophe
As if you had a flea
Gnawing your flesh causing you to bleed.

The Germany Terrain
,With ****** to blame,
contained many bones
of the charged disdained.

How can so many be tried with no valid jury?
Human beings drained so effortlessly , fluidly
from their homes.

The culprits are so quick to adhere
To their innocence and ignorance
The "I didn't Know" and " I had fear"

The flea bit and gnawed
Blood trickled
Stained the pages of our history.

Do we dare to let more fleas gnaw?

I enjoy your hugs
The spontaneous, out of the blue hugs
The "I like you" hugs
The "I want to hold onto you" hugs
I love the hugs you give me

They make my days go from bad to good
and when you leave my hands can still feel you
I can inhale and still smell the scent you leave behind

Gosh, your hugs amaze me

The " I want to stay here forever" hugs
The "I can't let you go" Hugs
The "I love you" hugs
I love the hugs
I can't get enough of them
Can't get enough of your hugs

I have found that the skill of peacekeeping with the various parts of yourself is useless.
In the morning it is the strongest that will rise.

They told my place
is to tend the store
Tend the customers.
Cut the tobacco
in a just straight, just fine way
Tend the customers
But I feel my place
and it ain't in that old store
tain't tend customers.

The time I thought I had left
Skipped in front of me, blue raspberries
and went without a word.

There will be the emotion of agony
as his steps that increase the distance
Jag their way down my heart  and hers.

There will be tears flooding our hearts
as his words that once were always there
become whispers lost on the wind.

There grief will stifle our voices
as the memories we have
are what we go to in mornings, afternoons, and nights
when he's no longer here.

Chasing after one another
They cyclone there way across the street.
Trying to grasp one another
They collide stem first
then they fall.

A word was never spoke but it was felt within his heart
That he had to leave with his life restarted.
He took the train down the  rails of the unknown
And went with the directions that were shown.

He sat on the far left towards the back
and he watched the trees as the wind attacked
making the leaves fall to the ground
making them spin round and round.

One leaf hit the window obscuring his view
but he didn't mind for there was nothing to do.
He thought he heard a whisper and he looked every which way
but no one spoke a word for there was nothing to say.

He heard it again and thought he was mad
he tried to ignore but he's a curious lad.
"Who speaks?" he questioned "Who speaks just now"
but he was greeted with silence to him a foul.

He grew angry by the second with curses in his head
he heard the whisper but he denied it attention, ignored it instead.
The whisper grew in some degrees in decibels
and he shook his head again and again.

"Shut it, quiet! Leave me be!"
But the whisper kept continuing.
"Why?" was all he could muster before he stood on his seat
before he became a lunatic who shook his feet.

They escorted him off and onto the streets
Letting him be as he started to weep.
The man on the train  can never be seen
well that how it goes in my head I mean.

A memory
was planted in the soil.
The memory died.
I sheared off the roots.

Here, we must be quicker than the click of a picture.
There are men who come to take me away.
Dont protest, Dont shh!
(Where the ******* is he)
(Calm down, he sure aint far I can smell his fear, seeping out his pores. Lattering the ground beneath him every moment he breathes)
Take the message
Take it I say!
Let no eyes steal a glance not even your own.
This message is for him A vital piece to the puzzle he forges.
(He cannot hide! Look even the moon looks for him and the shadows abandon him)
I will let you a moments escape.
HEre I am you wretched fools!
(The Messenger here at last your death will please the Earth as your blood quinches its thirst)
Now!
Fly
Soar
Take the message and run!

The moment was never lost
you just failed to look for it

And then you walked in.
Every step you took froze time.
But froze not my heart.

And it slumbered in the crevices of my brain
Awoke with a growl, low and bone gargling
It yanked itself up jumping high before landing,
leaving an impression on my frontal lobe.
Sometimes I am handed raw meat and I with a satisfied smirk feed it.

The moon was surrounded by it's servants
scattered every which way.
Some stayed stationary as to protect it
others rushed by to chase some unseen enemy.

The stars shine on you.
They shower you with their light, letting every bit of you glow
The moon also shines on you but with only half of it self
The other half is unseen cause it doesn't trust you fully
To let all of it shine on you

Lose the name which has been tainted with sour letters and revolting cadaver like syllables.
Shed the name which was held with the highest regard but now is regarded as a peasant.
Leave the name which once was carried with the chin thrusted  towards the sky but now is,  desperatley left behind in the streets hopefully to be carried away by the rain water and into the drain.
Take the name which was bared with a solider's pride and rip it from your garments
Undo the stitching let it tangle
No longer must you have the name.

Slowly the pain will slip off of you like the clothes you wear.
Slowly the pain will take off into the sky like balloons.
Slowly you will not care anymore and that's when they will need you the most.

The past is the past
No need to climb the wall that I put in place
The green trees and little butterflies that are barley seen
Are just a mirage, so don't climb over

The past is the past
I have made mistakes and they need not be known
Cause they aren't anyone's bussiness
Only mine and no one else's

Enjoy the scenery that is presented
Enjoy the wall, dazzling with crystals
and hear the fake birds that sing
Just dont climb over Cause the past is the past

And I find myself walking backwards
To attempt at holding on to your memory...

The past is not a speck of dust
One can wipe away with cloth.
Nor does it just come at night
like a hungry moth.
It's the elephant in your mind
taking all the storage space
and people know of it's existence
They can see it on your face
when you gaze into the air
observe Intensely the specks of dust
collecting layer after layer.
*Is the past a speck of dust?

The pillow became you and the blankets your arms.
I slept with the safe feeling you get once you are kept away from harm.
But then it was time to wake and stop dreaming about you
Face the reality that you are not love true.

Tonight the pillow will once again  be you
and the blankets my sanctuary
as your arms stroke my heart and keep me warm.
In the morning  
The pillow will be pillow
blankets dead weight that smother me
and they cycle will repeat
once I go to bed.
Again.
and Again
And Again.

"What should I do?"
Talk

T
   A
         L
                  K

to them.


All you have to is talk.
Find out about their interests
Their favorite color
Something
Anything

Just fill the air with question marks
and answers
Not with silences
Just talk

Just above my head, hung the question I have been dying to ask.
It linger above me, a cloud waiting to let the words rain down.
May I have this Dance
He looked at me with a curious gaze
Taking in what he saw.
Sorry but I already have some one to dance with
Clouds gathered above my head clumping together
This time only rain, no words Fell down.

A               N                                  K
   B                E                                    N
     O                  V                                    E
       ­  Y                 E                                    W
                          ­     R


                   T
                 H
               A
            T                               T
                                                H
             ­                                  E                          R
                                    ­                                          A
                     ­                                                               I
­                                                                 ­                     N
C
   O
     U
        L
          D                 S
                                  O
                           ­              o
                                        T
                     ­                H
                                    E                          ­                       H                          P
                                    ­                                                       I                           A
                                                               ­                               S                         I
                                                               ­                                                            N

The rain greets me,
Touching my face
Gently,
Caressing my face
Sweetly.

The rain talks to me.
Echoing in my ears
softly,
whispering in my ears
lovingly.

The rain leaves me
Distancing itself from me
Quickly
moving away from me swiftly.

There is no sense in trying to reason
In trying to talk
In trying to let you see my perspective

There is no sense in showing that I am have changed internally
In showing that I am not going back to the dark side
In showing that I am a new guy

There is no sense in trying
No sense in showing
In telling
There is no sense...

There was a fire
Blooming
on the tree.
It's many petals
brushed against the bark
Drinking all the water
it made the tree dry.

There was a time when I would care
There was a time I didn't bother with caring
Now i just don't know

there was a time when I would cry for being hurt
There was a time when I would force the tears back and just keep moving
Now I have no idea

There was a time when I would have loved to be in your company
There was a time when I hated being near you
Now I just don't know

There was a time for everything
There was a time for nothing
There was a time
Then There wasn't a time

The lights were dimmed but shadows were still laid across the wall
Dancing along with the small blow from mother nature.
In the room along the walls, with the shadows, pictures were hanged.
Some were covered with darkness preventing themselves from being seen
while others the dimmed lights illuminated parts of them.

The sea never looked as it does now.
Raging and destructive while the Clouds try to protect whats above.

The Sea never called men
Told them all was well
While behind the calm waves
Raged hunger.

The waves never rose in the air
and collied with other waves
in pure spite, desgrading the laws Nature put in place.

They never swallowed men
Drowing them with its hatered
Leaving them to sink to darkness
where they could find cold harsh solitude.

Never has any of this occured
until now.

Phones reflect the self within us.
We use covers that show a hint of our personality maybe a panda cover, covers that mask and hide the scratches and bruises but they are still there.
They seem to grow and deepen each day and we have the power to stop it but how do we stop the scratches from showing, stop the smudges from appearing on the screen?
The point is we can't.
If the phone drops, it drops simple as that.
yeah we should make a big deal out of it especially when new scratches appear but we have to pick the phone up.
When it slips and falls again we must again pick it up.
When the screen cracks we feel like we should have put a screen protector on.
Then we try to protect it as much as possible.
We try to prevent the cracks from deepening.
We can't get new phones though, the self might be able to reassemble once cracked but fragments of the older self still remain , it can never be replaced.
We can only try to take care of it like we would our phones.

I once hid amongest the shadows.
I hid with them for so long that
the Shadows became friends, family, everything I needed.
They understood my pain and made it theirs.
Cried when I cried.
Screamed when I screamed.
Stayed silent when I was silent.

They even understood the storm that was brewing inside.
They used their own darkness to cover the storm
so when I looked within it was black.  
But I was with the shadows out of fear.
Fear of the unknown.
Fear of reality.

One day I grew and left the shadows comfort
each other no longer afraid but sometimes
I long to live amongest the shadows again.
For they were, after all, friends, family, and everything I needed.

There was something about the silence
Something about the “Our little secret”, “Don’t tell anybody” silence
That kept intruding into our conversations
On Friday afternoons

The silence was the ex-boyfriend
Who ****** his “I love you’s” and “Baby”s
Right from his lips.

The silence was the ex-husband
Who demanded him to pay for everything
With him avoiding eye contact as acceptable payment.

The silence was the ex-lover
Who stole the romance
As it slowly got of his bed taking with it his words and love.

The silence was the reason I stopped talking to him.

Crashing of the morning rain
Harshly Bruised the window pane.
I lie in bed only to rise at the bellowing of thunder.
Clarity has run off at the bellowing of thunder.
Only when I gaze out the window
Do I realized the morning has been
Dry and silent.

The streets have been skinned of their inhabitants.
The bone glistens as the high moon worships.

Silence as he goes down the steps
he knows he musn't wake
his mother who sleeps upstairs
he musn't wake his sisters or his brothers

He opens the door to the bathroom
and Sees his reflection
UGLY, STUPID, WORTHLESS
Words like these bounce around his mind

His skull is a bouncy house and more words keep piling in
Wanting a chance to jump high
He opens the cupboard and sees the pills
A bottle of painkillers the doctor gave to his sister

He creeps back to his room
Slient like a night cat
and he sits on his bed with the note right beside
Sorry for being such a dissapointment, sorry for causing pain, I am gone now don't worry anymore i will longer I have to be a burden
he opens the cap and he can feel that he wants to cry

he pours the pills into his hand and takes each one
one at a time
I am gone, gone forever never to return again
No longer have to be a disapointment
I can be who I want to be after death
No longer having to feel less
No longer I have to be stong
*As I sing the sucide Song

The sun sent a kiss through
The window but it never landed on his lips.
The sun tried to feel
his rounded his face
but he left with the shadows
Preventing the sun's radiant fingers
from
Caressing his face.
I too sent a kiss
         Tried to feel
but my advancements
were met with
dodging behind the shadows
Pulling back at the last second
avoidance of every kind.
We stare with tear stricken eyes
from a distance
while our anger
Consumes all logic
Releasing jealousy
whenever
someone grows
near.

And then the sun whispered and it's breath warmed my neck.
The Sun's fingers traced the length of my arm and held my hands.
I rested on the Sun's chest looked into it's eyes.
How can the Sun be so close yet so far away.

And then the Moon whispered and it's voice was saturated with solitude.
The Moon's fingers clasped onto mine and pulled me along
Deep into the forest.
Struggling to keep with it's pace I saw the eyes of the moon
Hollow, empty, nothing.
How can the moon present a glowing yet be a illuminated tragedy?

And it was as if the sun was enjoying the cruelty he bestowed on me.
Denying the warmth he could give with just a single a touch.
And it was as if the moon was trying to tend to my need.
Reflecting the sun's love with a straight face
but
it wasn't the same.

The sun was hanging low, talking to the sea, talking to me.
Sinking even lower it was talking to the breeze, strained whispers to the sea.

The sun was hanging high talking to the sky, talking to my
Shy imagination.

But now things seem to be hanging on a thread, a thread that slowly untwines, slowly slips from its bonds.
I am not sure how to take this. To be happy that my hands will soon be unbound or be concern that it’s happening all too quickly.
And it seems as if this thread can’t be prevented from losing its grip amongst the others.
I am helpless but then again, isn’t that a good thing?

The truth is hitting me, wrapping it's deadly claws around me, preventing me from entering fantasy. But I am beginning to acknowledge it slowly, letting the beast become my friend, for it might be the answer, though dreading it, it might just let me free and let me forget all the pain, all the words that were written and spoken. The truth is becoming a friend not foe

May I use my uncertainty of my future as my eating utensil? I can okay.
Family problems sprinkled on top of my mom's non acceptance.
Anthony leaving as a desert
and my feelings in a cup full of ice to cool them off so I can drink them before some notices how I really feel.    
Thank you

And then I heard a whisper in the night
One word was all I heard
"Freedom"
A concept I have yet to learn.

I whispered back
"What of it?"
but the whisper was already gone.

I alone must understand "freedom"

He wanted to plant a tree for our anniversary
an oak tree.
I thought it ludicrous being the first year
but his heart was dead set on forever while mine was still unsure ten years ago.

The winds cradled every fear I had and took 'em with a gentle kiss on my cheek.
The cold never bit me while I stood and watched my fears drift away.
It wrapped it's self 'round me, protecting me from the cold within.
It watched with me as my fears grew into a speck
as if it were a star leaving the sky.