take your apologies
to the grave with you
because I refuse
to hear
sorry
after each mistake
you promised you wouldn't repeat

if love feels like
salt water eyes
empty beds
heavy hearts
wet pillows
red scars
shaky hands
quivering lips
dark circles
sleepless nights
worry worry worry

I don't want love at all

I got so accustomed
to giving away my body
to fulfill his needs
I forgot about my own need
to love myself,
as a human
as a woman
as anything but
just a body to give away
to men
who would never love it right
anyway

Our relationship is always a give and take,
except I always give,
and you always take.

I am so sorry
that you have had to adapt to your name being "woman"
I am so sorry
that your pleas for help,
are referred to as *******
I am so sorry
that you learned to laugh it off
in the evening after he raised his voice at you
I am so sorry
that you are reminded daily that without him
you wouldn't last in this world
and I am even sorrier
that your son grew up
watching his father speak down to you
because now he treats me
the way you have been treated

Anger swims through my mind
doing the backstroke
around each opportunity
I have walked away from
due to my mental illness;
which has stripped me
of every chance I had
at becoming something more
than this.

She wants so badly to better herself
to get an education
and to love herself
To learn more about independence
and become that
But how do you better yourself
when your legs don't work
because your mind doesn't want them to
How do you get an education
when your eyes cannot stay open
because you were up the previous night
trying to find one reason
not to **** yourself
How do you become independent
when you have only ever watched
the women in your life lean on a man
How do you become something
when you believe
that you are nothing