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It was there.
And then it was gone.
Frantically scrolling up and down I somehow knew the search was useless. The frustration streaming through my blood kept my mind off of everything else in the world. I was mad. Angry. Questioning why this would happen. Hard work pays off? Or hard work gets "accidentally" deleted by the stupid device that I have ignorantly become so dependent on. It has become our way of communication; our way of becoming something else. We try to make technology a mold of ourselves. Piling in personal information until we are left holding our entire life in our palm. We stick our faces behind 4x2 rectangles of wires and data, instead of looking each other in the eye.

But you see, the problem is, you can't bleed into a device. It won't absorb. Your feelings, your life will merely sit on top of it until your phone eventually shuts down.

But you can bleed into paper. You can write and write and only be concerned about how badly your hand is cramping. You can hold it, you can feel it. And you can hope others feel it too. You can carry it around and never worry about it becoming "outdated."

There are no upgrades.

There is only inspiration.


~pw
Failed promises mourned with soft moans and muffled cries
Words that once creased my face with smiles, now turned lies
Broken spirit have made my body go numb and unfeeling like ice
And I'm left with an ache so enormous in size!  
You don't have to read and click the button 'like'
I just wanna pour out my heart and not get psyched
See if I could like a pond build around my heart a solid ****
If it would ever make me secured, tsk!
But really, is it normal for me to feel this depressed?
Those who's lost it a long time ago think I'm blessed!
Maybe I am, on the brighter side but then what's with this foul mood?
That has made me non-chalant and rude!
I don't like this transformation that has made me sobersided
Not like I wanna lallygag but I'll just love to be free-minded
Not to feel this emptiness that is frustrating me
Just wanna be at peace with everyone and still be who God wants me to be
Went through some old messages and this came up! I'm trying to find peace for my soul!
Another poet wrote a poem today,
and it was riveting.
Each word, an intricately carved figure into an ornate pattern.
Every syllable, singing the beloved song I never thought I'd hear again.

My soul transcribed onto paper.
I could feel my heart taking flight with each rhyme,
soaring by the end of the poem.

Of course, myself being a fellow poet,
these thoughts remained in their place of origin, though unwillingly.
How could I, a fellow poet, succumb to his talent?

Did he recognize that glimmer in my eyes,
the sparkle of childlike admiration?

Or, upon looking into my eyes, could he see fire,
the burning heat of my jealousy?

I loathed him; how was it that he was so moved with talent,
and I, a piteous poet who failed to move so much as a single soul?

He took to poetry as a bird takes to the sky,
so beautiful as to leave my stomach in knots
and my head reeling.

The strangest sensation came over me,
when I read the other poet's work.
A sensation of simultaneous beauty and disgust,
a deep longing and loving, intertwined with
the greatest disdain.

I handed back the paper,
conflicted by my own inner turmoil.
These darkest of feelings remained where they first lie,
never to be known by another poet.
There's so much questions in my mind
But barely be answered 
There's so much things that I want to know
But none is captivated nor my imaginations to be fully understand

When was it?
When do I have the courage to tell you
that "i love you"?
When was the last time I cry?
When was it?

When?
When?
When?

When was the last time I smile?
When you texted me back
When was the time to meet each others feeling?
Will it possibly be notice
Knowing that you haved someone else
And knowing that you are not mine

Were you still recognize my feelings for you?
When everything is impossible to be?
I had always been really excited
to be able to share an autumn with you.
(I was naïve to assume we'd even get past summer,
but) I absolutely couldn't wait for you and I
to try and name the exact colors
of the leaves we picked off the ground,
and I couldn't wait
to borrow your sweaters
(as if they could have kept me
any warmer than your hugs would)
and to kiss you while
the taste of our last lattes
were still on our lips.
I had wanted to read Thoreau
in the corner of the library,
right next to you
as you tried to perfect your journalism assignment
and not be able to focus on my book
because your thoughtful expression
was far too adorable not to distract me.

(I was right; you look best in fall colors.
But it's stopped being my place
to tell you things like that anymore.)
This antique mirror boosts no confidence. Concave

reveals its magic tricks with an incurvate

red surface. Some human hair



blending braids are there to fancify your boxers, your removable

metallic silver suspenders underwear and

her red bra underwire slips. It is a new style.



I feel anguish, when I touch the pull locks. Her picture

of the antique statue is hidden between all those things. She



enters the mirror to kiss you every time you look at it. Like jelly candies



are her lipsticks on that silver, but

they have different taste. For me,

they look like isoquants, or indifference curves. I want

to leave you. What do you think?



The water that drips from the mirror, when I wash it, is like crimsonblood. Scary



optical illusions split the reality into two variants through my woe,

and create a much looser and less direct relationship

between us than ever. You live for

your comfort and versatility. You cannot change it.
We had not spoke or wrote
for many long days
turning to even longer weeks
which grew into the longest months
until I could no longer weep
and again I found peace
in my once restless sleep.

But you came a calling
and a texting me
just when my hands
finally started feeling clean
spinning them words like
"I miss you"
"I just wanted to see"
wicked turn a phrases
pierce ears like crooked hooks
they could turn a man's thoughts
like the pages of an ancient book.

Your fingers gliding gently
over now so hazy memories
we meet again amidst a fog
but your eyes, your eyes
they do not remember me
they see a man foul in form
ugly, twisted flesh, weak and pathetic
ripping his own heart from his chest

This is not me you see (no not at all)
but a protrusion of your own ill-regard
you slithered on your belly like a serpent
begging to be tread upon
so I moved like certain kinds of dances
around tribal fires
determined not to slip but inevitably I did
how dare you hiss "Liar" at me.

I'm just a man
working on being a better one
I don't expect you to understand
cause I never said I could fly
so why the **** did you think
I was superman.
9-11-2001

the ugliest numbers

the last minute good-byes

Sudden crash all red and black

Falling bodies thumping agonies screeching

No innocent nor guilty nor black nor white nor asian nor latino

no lines

just the blind eyes of death

fueling getting bigger becoming stronger eating and taking more and more and more and more

subdued quiet memorial

reconstruction better rise of the new

still

when this moment comes

red and black and dead

the ugliest numbers

9-11-2001
belated but i needed to do this
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