I'm still trying to understand the fact that no baby is born hating itself and yet as life goes on people will love you but they might also hurt you or leave you or any number of horrible things, and all you can do is let them leave with pieces of you and try to fill the holes back in with something else or else try to forget that the hole is there (or at least try to forget the person that caused it) and as life goes on all of those holes make us grow in different ways than we were headed (like when people make cuts in trees and manipulate to make them grow knotted together -- people put holes in us and we try to grow around them or away from them) and we just get more and more ****** up each time until there are things we don't like about ourselves and then we expect someone else to love our insecurities when all we do is complain about them and how empty we feel (we're all full of holes) and if someone had just told us to keep loving ourselves from the start and to remember that we're all flawed humans maybe it wouldn't hurt so much when I am lying awake at three in the morning because you didn't text me back when you said you would and I'm starting to see all of the imperfections in my face and my personality and I can't sleep because I'm trying to remember just one reason that I ever thought you could love me.

Is it wrong to miss you?

What if we both run
parrallel lines along
snowy walks--
legs stepping across
bleached streets like
soldiers in unison,
at the same time,
together;
but still,
still parallel.
I learned in elementary school
that we can never ever
touch.

Moments I felt like I was falling for you
1. When you made sure to get my phone number
2. When you picked me up and kissed me goodbye
3. When you held me all night and kept me up with your whispers
4. When you asked me what my friends called me
5. When you asked for my middle name
6. When I felt you breathing in at my neck and you whispered that I smelled good
7. When you talked about how much you love fantasy and science fiction
8. When you told me you love to read
9. When you placed little kisses on my cheek as I was falling asleep
10. When you told me you never smile in photos, but you smiled just for me
11. When you walked me to my car, pushed me up against it, kissed me hard
12. When we said it would be just the two of us
13. When you teased me about how much I love Iron Man
14. When you put your arm around me, in front of everyone
15. When you flexed, because you knew I liked it
16. When you asked me "Are you sure?"
17. When I said "Yes"
18. When your friend called me your "girl"
19. When you sang along to Frozen
20. When we fell asleep that night

Now all I have left are moments
And regrets
No you
No more freckles and lips bitten and makeup on my neck
No more first times
No more empty promises or lies or sweet nothings

That's all you were
A sickly sweet nothing
And I to you?


I was nothing

I don't want to write poetry about you
I don't want to remember
I'm scared to forget
I hate that you were my first
I hate that it didn't last
I can't stop thinking about you with someone else
I wonder who she is
I wonder if you miss me too
I wonder if you meant anything you said
I thought you were different
I had so much hope for you
I don't know how it ended up like this


I don't know how I'm going to get over this

you ran around screaming
*"if life were a race
you came first to me—
but you gave me 9th place"

pisces:** you paint the ocean on your eyelids so that when there are tears streaming down your face at 3:15 in the morning, it doesn't feel like you're crying and you feel like a monster because nobody likes the taste of salt water, but what you're forgetting is that salt helps heal wounds

aquarius: you don't wear sunscreen when you're drinking lemonade outside in the middle of an indian summer because you want to show people that you don't have a care in the world, but it's hard for anyone to see anything when you've constructed a barricade of repressed memories and locked yourself inside a closet full of skeletons

capricorn: "i like holding your hands because they're warm," he tells you, but what happens when they're not? you want to peel back the layers of his skin until you see his lungs moving beneath his ribcage and you want to know if he can hold his breath for as long as atlas held the earth (maybe his lungs can hold your hands when he won't want to)

sagittarius: you get drunk off of cheap thrills and doing eighty-five down backroads while everyone else is asleep, but when it comes to letting people get close to you, you still need someone to hold your hand (maybe you can't trust yourself to trust others)

scorpio: you're telling him to kiss your neck when you really want him to kiss your mind, but you're so torn between being passionate and being psychological that maybe you don't know the difference

libra: according to others, you are the one who's supposed to be balanced and content, but right now you are struggling and you can't tell the difference between a love letter and a suicide note (it was hard for me to write this) (i love you a lot) (i'm sorry, baby)

virgo: you wear more makeup than necessary when you go out and you only wear black pants because they make your legs look smaller, but i want you to remember that you are a flower that was born in the midst of a drought and plucking your own petals until there's nothing left would be a real disappointment

leo: your hands are at your own throat because you are too generous and you have been taken for granted one too many times (ask your mother for advice and she will tell you to stop ripping yourself apart just to keep others whole)

cancer: there are rainstorms in your tear ducts and butterflies in your stomach and sometimes you feel like the earth will shatter beneath the gentle touch of your fingertips, but when you realize that nobody knows how to feel the way that you know how to feel, think of it as a good thing

gemini: you believe that soulmates are supposed to be your other half, but you should also consider that soulmates could be those who help you find the pieces you were looking for in others in yourself (patience — you will find yours soon)

taurus: you do things that you shouldn't do and you kiss boys that you shouldn't kiss and your shameless flirting with self destruction won't be ending any time soon (you let others love you to the point where you are too stubborn to love yourself)

aries: you light fires just to see how quickly you can put them out and you are always three steps ahead of the person next to you and sometimes you start fights just to see how long it takes for you to come out on top, but everyone can see that you would never hold someone else's heart just to have the opportunity to drop it

Why would you call me,
When you have so many other people to choose from?

Why would you want to hang around with me,
When you have other things you could be doing?

Why do you want to know what i'm doing,
When my answer is always the same?

Why do you want to make plans with me,
When all I do is stand off and away from everyone else?

Why choose me?

But I know I will always choose you too.

So thank you.