Every now and then I catch myself thinking about her. She was the light of my life. And now she calls me bro and acts like nothing ever happened between us... It is the most painful thing I have experienced. I want to see her but I also don't. She betrayed my trust. But I forgave her instantly because I understood why she did it. I mean look at me, I'm just surprised she stayed with me as long as she did. I just don't want to lose her. That love, that happiness, that acceptance.... I just want her back.  But that's not going to happen now is it. Because I'm me and who wants to be with me. I hate myself. And I'm pretty sure everybody else hates me too. I'm afraid of everything. I guess that's why I'm alone now. People say I'm not alone. But I really am. I'm too afraid to go outside. At school I'm always thinking these kids are going to make fun of me. Stop looking at me. What is wrong with me. Don't touch me. Is there something on my face. Don't talk to me..  I just want to be left alone because I know that I'll just end up getting hurt again.  Whenever my friend is depressed, or thy are harming themselves. I always tell them to stop, to find another way. People try and do the same with me. I'm in the same situation. But I deny ever getting better. Because I know that happiness is a lie. Because I know that others can be. But I can never see myself being happy. Because in my life. It's just one...big..lie..

I feel empty inside
Full of nothing but darkness
Vast, cold, darkness.
Go for miles and all you will find is sadness.
An ocean of sadness.
Im swimming
trying to keep my head above
gasping for air,
yet all i inhale is water.
i scream
but my lungs release no sound,
just silence.
Im slowly drowning,
drowning in the ocean inside.

my mind spoils the innocence of holding you close in a cold movie theater
i am thankful for the darkness that protects you from the look that poured into my face when you touched me
my hands are clasped together and i'm glad you can't see them shaking
you've leaned your head on my shoulder and i'm hoping to god you can't feel my heart beating even from there
your fingers creep up my arm to bring me closer and my eyes flutter closed
and i pray that you didn't hear my breath catch in my throat
you've got to stop or i might just fall in love with you, my body whispers
are you warm enough?, my mouth says instead

She is the sun which brings out the flowers.
I'm the black hole which light I devour.
So similar yet so different.
You, the creator of happiness and smiles.
Me, that destroys everything within miles.
You're the creator of planets and I the destroyer.
The gaps in the universe act as a border.
Never destined to meet.
For if we do cross paths your light would deplete.
So stay away my little sun, we were never meant to be.
I don't want you to become like me.
A dead star that use to shine like the sun.
But alas,
Our journey has ended before its begun.

Trust me when I say,
That all of this will wash away.
That the drought of this town,
Will be swept away with the lift of the crown.

A crown of thorn, so sacrilegious,
The darkness of you is charming and vicious.
I am swept away with the unbelievers,
The liars, the cheats, the broken deceivers.

But every one of them I love the same,
Because they are the ones who have called my name.
Swept away, oh I am swept away,
Talk me into the dark, kiss me into the day.

White stained black, a surprising mix,
I am not the one they wanted to fix.
I am not the one he wanted to love,
I am not one who is good enough to be above.

Swept away, please sweep me away,
I don’t want to stand in the light of day.
The light of day that burns my eyes,
The colored blue that hides my lies.

I had a dream about you last night and that's something I never thought would happen.

We were sitting on a couch or agaisnt a wall and there was a blanket over us. You intertwined your legs with mine and buried your face in my neck when I put my around you.

Your skin was warm, as I'd imagine it would be.

This dream unsettles me, in a way.
We would never have worked.
I liked you, I liked you a lot and I think you liked me too.
It's a good thing you told me not to kiss you,
I would have fallen for you and I would have hurt you.
I would have hurt you with my inconsistencies and my inadequacies,
and you don't deserve that.
I would have hurt you with my drugs and my unhealthy diet and the only outcome of our relationship would have been pain for you and warm skin and soft words for me.


You're a wonderful human being,
I look up to you
and I'm happy you found someone to be enamored with. Someone who won't hurt you with drugs and unhealthy diets. Someone who will hurt you with soft words and warm skin

Be blissful
and serene

Take care of yourself
and others

Run and stop
enjoy every moment as it flies by

Enjoy the way hot tears spill down your cheeks
and love the way your chest hurts from silenced screams

Rage is just as beautiful
as your smile

Crinkling eyes
and big dimples

Wrinkles, stretch marks, and freckles
are your victories

Be Blissful
and Serene

I'm not sure what I'm doing yet within myself I hold supreme faith. I am the only master of my life, and I promise myself it will all work out. And I've been thinking about my doorbell...

I didn't call you back, and you didn't call me a second time. I don't understand what game we're playing, I'd rather be holding you. My actions are mine, and I know we were supposed to go dancing on Friday and I'm not sure why I blew you off, I'm overwhelmed and I got four hours of sleep yesterday afternoon and it isn't raining anymore.

Do it
Do it,
Do it.
Do it!