it's fall now --
but you probably call it autumn.
you've always loved that name.

you say it springs something in your mind,
something new, something wonderful.

you wanted a daughter with hazel eyes
to match the leaves
and a beautiful, bright smile,
the kind that melts ice
when it's zero degrees outside.

and you would never call her anything
not associated
with this season,
which i thought was funny,
because i've always loved the nickname
"pumpkin".

but none of that matters anymore,
because you're into winter now.

you like the cold,
and the wintry frost that blankets our town.

all your views have changed,
and you want to name our daughter death,
because now, that's all you ever
think about.

I look in the mirror and what I see looks nothing like me.
The bags under my eyes are nearly gone and my acne is replaced by stubble and razor cuts.
I learned to sleep, but I prefer to stay awake.
Because when I dream I see faces that I miss, the girl that I never kissed.
And possibly never will.
So I take my coffee black just like the ink in my pen.
And I wander through this new town which was kinder to me my first day.
Than the one I came from was to me my whole life.
And I think about my future and question where it leads.
And I look back at my past to look for dots to connect that lead me to my present, but all I see are jagged lines going no where.
At least its good to know one thing never changes.
That I still don't know where I'm going.
But that's okay, because if college has taught me anything yet.
Its that no one does.