It has been a while since I have wrote my thoughts out.
Perhaps its laziness or perhaps a fear of who I have been in the past.
But, as I stop to pack a few more things from the closet of my mother's home.
A handful made me smile, and made me feel the need to put my thoughts down somewhere.
A few Polaroids and some old notes from a girl who was once my whole world, but haven't talked to in years.
I wish her nothing but happiness, and I am eternally grateful for the happy memories we shared.
A tiny christmas tree small enough to put on a night stand, I remember a night in college that tree in the center of our dorm sitting and laughing with the man who is to this day my closest friend.
And of course the fresh wound.
My fathers golf clubs.
At first it's the happy memory of me and my father putting a golf ball across the small patch of grass behind his trailer drinking beer and enjoying a cool summer breeze.
Inevitably though any memories of my father return to that day just this past July.
Sitting next to the hospital bed clutching his hand and watching light fade from his eyes.
But, that was yesterday.
Today is a day to pack, I need to return home to the woman with whom I share my bed.
Groceries need bought, chores done, cats fed.
And come Monday work will need done a future of my making is calling me forward to each new day.
So for now I'll simply take these old memories and tuck them away.
I didn't intend for the rhymes at the end so that's fun.
I've lost a lot of love and passion.
I replace it with pretending to laugh.
I think too much, but I feel like I act too little.
But I don't know what more I can do.
I don't love her.
But I know she loves me.
I don't know how I will get there.
But I know where I want to be.
I'm fine my life is good.
I worry much more than I should.
I think I'm just scared of what's next.
I'm young though, I still have a lot of nexts to go
Just wanted to write down what's been swimming in my head.
Life is good.
Yet I feel uneasy.
Maybe I'm concerned about where I'll be next year.
Maybe I'm concerned because I can take the family I've found here with me.
I feel like it will work out.
In fact I'm positive it will.
I just don't know how.
Or why I'm so confidant.
I guess that's why I'm uneasy...
It's been awhile since I've written for me.
It's to the point I don't know how well I recognise the guy who wrote constantly.
A lot has changed...
I fell into love.
Which nearly fell into abuse.
I got a "dream job".
But if I take it I'll be homeless.
I made some great friends.
Who all hate each other.
Through it all I don't know if it's any better than where I was.
It is definitely newer though.
I feel like I've been blessed with opportunity.
And I've never been more terrified.
But nothing great was ever accomplished by someone who was always comfortable.
When the people of this earth are all gone.
The floating rock will still spin on.
Trees will grow where we once laid our streets.
And all the problems I once had.
All the things we thought were good or bad.
Will be just a faint mark on the floating rock.
A single spark lost like all the others in the dark.
And while I believe my soul will be more.
This much I know for sure.
And that's that if I want to be remembered on this floating rock.
Then I should spend my life making it a better rock.
Because while we each only have a little spark.
It just takes one kind spark to light up the dark.
Living isn't really living if you have nothing to live for.
Living without living for something is just surviving.
Breathing air and getting nutrients don't feed who you are.
Only what you are.
And in my life I live for many things.
Some I still live for.
Others fade away in time.
But in the end its all life.
And one day we won't have it anymore.
So maybe for a few months at least we could all stop just surviving.
And try to start living.
I stand at the edge between fire and life.
I'm forced to watch as the fire consumes what little is left.
I'm forced to sit and watch as others add to this fire.
While those same people expect me to put it out.
Thankfully I'm not alone.
But even with all our buckets we barely keep it at bay.
Maybe more people will help when their homes are blown away.
For now though I settle with these few and do our best to keep the fire away.