smoke in my eyes
cicadas in the distance
i think may cry tonight.
**** ain't been as sweet as this swisher smoke
or stolen mints at tim's.
i think i may disappear into the foliage and concrete.
i think tomorrow is as bitter as yesterday.

it took four-twenty five and hours of unrest to write this poem
this is not an ode or a shout-out
yet merely a confession
a recollection
of nights spent staring up at the dull off-white sky of my ceiling as if I was bathing in moonlight or basking in sun gleam
I pop two bennys
four
six
As many as it takes until
I succumb
Laying lull and sedated
Captive to nothing but my unconscious

untitled, i can
never find my ******* words
the void air thickens

matteus is dead
a flower lays next to his head
as crimson as his lips
paper-thin and spreading rigidly.
his smile is small and ungiving as he would will it
so short-lived in my favor
so indifferent to my sentiments.
i am a shadow dancing on his gravestone
clutching needless memories as if they were a cornerstone.
i used to want him as mine.
crave what could never be
stoking and kindling
what never ignited.
matteus came and went.
matteus was never here.
matteus is gone for good,
and with him my senses.

i built a wishing well
from here to there
as long as the coptic summer
as wide as the cocked jaws of a gator
and as deep as the mississippi.
i built a cornerstone
to clutch.
i lay an anchor cemented so deep
hoping that you could never leave me.
but love is such a fickle frailty
that i never wondered if you wanted my love before i sowed it.
came the tide and came the solstice and the tide again, i was in wait for a harvest that would never come.
i built a bridge.
crossed it so very often hoping for something at the rickety end.
i lost myself for you.
a fool yet again.
and again.
and again.

i call kecia and she wants to know what's up
but i cannot fit my truth around a mouthful of tooth decay and nicotine.
i want to tell her that **** ain't as sweet as this swisher smoke
that some of this **** is too hard to swallow
so i thought i'd choke
"is that all?" she asks
and no it's not but what the **** else can i say

i live for God
but spend my next breaths hopeful of your wake.
i'm ashamed to admit
you're ingrained in my nafs and on my mind,
boy.
you're desire woven tight in my abdomen.
your image is laced in my bones.
i dream of you even when my eyes are open.
i taste you with every morsel i eat.
i feel you in every tender caress i share with myself and your memory.
what can i do when i love you so
yet have accepted you'll never be mine?
i feel insane
when something so sweet
is within my reach
yet i can't reach out and grab it.
i feel dejected and punished
to see you love another woman.
and forever unfulfilled when i try to love another man.

from [redacted]. to [redacted]. to [redacted].

1.
first impressions have always failed us.
i'm sorry.
sweet and shy quickly burned into a numb saccharine.
i apologize for the unpleasantries.
for i know that i may appear gentle but i do bite
and i merely wanted to show you my teeth.

2.
you're beautiful.
i could never tell you so up close
but since we've met, i've counted every lash on your lower lid and chased strays across your cheeks behind my eyes every night before i sleep.

3.
i loved you a stomach's full.
when i got home i rewinded your every word slowly like a vhs tape
dissected and digested each sound steadily
hid every syllable under my tongue to feast upon later
and let the fricatives kiss the front of my teeth.
i let the rolling, darkness of your timbre shiver down my spine and up again.
baby boy, your accent is guttural
yet your tongue never clips.
you give it to me straight,
sweet legato flowing from your lips.
your words are movements
and our conversations symphonic
it hurts most of all that to have earned your silence

4.
would you mind if we just talked some things out?
if you forgot every time i disappointed you
and viewed me as a woman
again.
i don't ask that you forgive me,
but know that i'm sorry.

5.
you made me angry.
a hell of a lot.
teeth shattering
lung seizing
6/8 time signature heart beating
seeing and tasting copper
dog mad
******
and all for reasons i can't admit.

6.
i've loved you a night's full
past the brim of isha
to the lips of salatul duha.
i prayed istikhara in the last third of the night
when God descended to the stars
as if to proclaim my love to Him and the billions of celestial witnesses

7.
i greedily want it all
all of you
to taste every smile
true or for show
to wipe away your tears
and lay your head on my chest
to coax out the little boy inside you're afraid to share with everyone else.
to have your trust and make you feel like a man all the same.
can i be that for you?

it feels bitter
and distant
to seek something
which i never had

i need a swisher
something nasty and bitter
to replace this taste

a room with a view
a frosted window iced shut
a portal to you
gazing out is like looking through a viewfinder
you breeze by quickly as you normally do.
gaze downwards, pointed at the earth.
i choose these moments to stare
get my fill
something to think about as i stare up at my ceiling tonight
or out in the rain when every falling, flitting leaf reminds me of the sweet boy with cedar eyes

when i think of you
i think of
the fragrancía of fresh pan dulce
and spice
and warmth
and verde
and barefoot dancing.
concrete and tamales.
mississippi blues
and playing in the delta.
joy.
i picture your blooming smile
spreading across your face
like marigolds and magnolias.
you are a pleasant breeze.
as delightful and curt as spring.
I'll close my eyes,
bathe in the balmy sun,
let the gentle wind embrace me,
curl my toes in the grass,
outstretch my arms
and enjoy you as you pass.

honey is a runner.
he stares at the tangling dance of his fingers and laces
when he ties his shoes.
left,
then right.
his eyebrows tugged precariously in concentration.
he doesn't realize how he clenches his teeth until he's bitten his tongue or his jaw cramps.
i'm here to remind him.
his long legs take a stride for my single steps
i can only chase after the insignia on his windbreaker as he paces his run.
eventually he stops
and turns
and waits-
a smile present .
as if the sight of my stubby little legs pumping forward is entertaining.
after a goal is exceeded, we circle back to my humble abode.
our sneakers sit next to each other on my little foyer's rack.
i shower then we split a plate of chaffles and a *** of chai.
honey places me on his chest and reads something about a revolution
somewhere
somewhere cold and European
far from the warm comfort of my sleeper sofa and messy bookshelves.
what could be more revolutionary than this?
i inhale the sweet taste of his aroma and quietly revel
soak in amazement of my fortune.

when i said i needed time to think
i meant solidarity, swishers, and sleep
******* my line like you care
im starting to resent you for not being what i wanted even if i dont blame you

i wanna ask you
"what about that *****, Ken
you still **** with him?"

i'm so curious
yet so aware of my place-
I'm not even ranked

i saw the gap again today.
half of me was begging to stay.
i took care not to enter.
if i did i may have disappeared.

another man is going to have my body.
devour my flesh and break my bones.
and it aches.
my vow to celibacy and solitude is only a word away.

tell me you don't want to see me with someone else.
that only you deserve my time and space.
i'm already committed, i just await your grace.

martyr me with your tongue.
satiate me and subdue my conscience in a way only you know how.

i feel as though i belong to you.
though not you to me