each inhale becomes
more and more painful to pass
my lungs seize in shame

I would quote song lyrics or recite poetry but
This is not that kind of affair
More of a fantasy in my head
That spawns instant gratification.
I'm juxtaposed between my thoughts and the reality of the situation.
You
Behind the wheel
I wish you'd speed up so I can be alone and relish this very moment as lustfully as I please within the privacy of my bedsheets
But I'd like for you to slow down and let me enjoy the ride.
The view of your thick thighs
Spread and commanding every inch of space possible
How I wish for you to control me as well
Your smile cocky and your tone overlording
Are you doing this on purpose?
Tugging at my heartstrings and pooling like lava in the pit of my stomach
You're careless
How can you be so reckless?
One of these days I may act upon my hidden intentions
And no guilt will be present
No will
No preservation
No virtue
Just want.
Just pure desperation
To get your hands off the wheel
And onto my body
I'm surely more curved than your Suburban
More pliable and easy to the touch.
You wouldn't know if you didn't reach out and touch me
Take your eyes off the ******* road and meet my gaze
See that I mean no good
I'm a distraction
And have no qualms with making you pull over
To enjoy the ride.

i am the blues
the blues is truth
and i refuse
to let you steal
my truth before it reaches my tongue
my blues before i can sing it

love is not blind
it is selfish
it boasts
it cannot make up its mind
or admit to its faults
this is me loving me the only way i know how

a room with a view
a frosted window iced shut
a portal to you
gazing out is like looking through a viewfinder
you breeze by quickly as you normally do.
gaze downwards, pointed at the earth.
i choose these moments to stare
get my fill
something to think about as i stare up at my ceiling tonight
or out in the rain when every falling, flitting leaf reminds me of the sweet boy with cedar eyes

when i said i needed time to think
i meant solidarity, swishers, and sleep
******* my line like you care
im starting to resent you for not being what i wanted even if i dont blame you

it feels bitter
and distant
to seek something
which i never had

when i think of you
i think of
the fragrancía of fresh pan dulce
and spice
and warmth
and verde
and barefoot dancing.
concrete and tamales.
mississippi blues
and playing in the delta.
joy.
i picture your blooming smile
spreading across your face
like marigolds and magnolias.
you are a pleasant breeze.
as delightful and curt as spring.
I'll close my eyes,
bathe in the balmy sun,
let the gentle wind embrace me,
curl my toes in the grass,
outstretch my arms
and enjoy you as you pass.

it took four-twenty five and hours of unrest to write this poem
this is not an ode or a shout-out
yet merely a confession
a recollection
of nights spent staring up at the dull off-white sky of my ceiling as if I was bathing in moonlight or basking in sun gleam
I pop two bennys
four
six
As many as it takes until
I succumb
Laying lull and sedated
Captive to nothing but my unconscious

i live for God
but spend my next breaths hopeful of your wake.
i'm ashamed to admit
you're ingrained in my nafs and on my mind,
boy.
you're desire woven tight in my abdomen.
your image is laced in my bones.
i dream of you even when my eyes are open.
i taste you with every morsel i eat.
i feel you in every tender caress i share with myself and your memory.
what can i do when i love you so
yet have accepted you'll never be mine?
i feel insane
when something so sweet
is within my reach
yet i can't reach out and grab it.
i feel dejected and punished
to see you love another woman.
and forever unfulfilled when i try to love another man.

i call kecia and she wants to know what's up
but i cannot fit my truth around a mouthful of tooth decay and nicotine.
i want to tell her that **** ain't as sweet as this swisher smoke
that some of this **** is too hard to swallow
so i thought i'd choke
"is that all?" she asks
and no it's not but what the **** else can i say

i need a swisher
something nasty and bitter
to replace this taste

i wanna ask you
"what about that *****, Ken
you still **** with him?"

i'm so curious
yet so aware of my place-
I'm not even ranked

untitled, i can
never find my ******* words
the void air thickens

honey is a runner.
he stares at the tangling dance of his fingers and laces
when he ties his shoes.
left,
then right.
his eyebrows tugged precariously in concentration.
he doesn't realize how he clenches his teeth until he's bitten his tongue or his jaw cramps.
i'm here to remind him.
his long legs take a stride for my single steps
i can only chase after the insignia on his windbreaker as he paces his run.
eventually he stops
and turns
and waits-
a smile present .
as if the sight of my stubby little legs pumping forward is entertaining.
after a goal is exceeded, we circle back to my humble abode.
our sneakers sit next to each other on my little foyer's rack.
i shower then we split a plate of chaffles and a *** of chai.
honey places me on his chest and reads something about a revolution
somewhere
somewhere cold and European
far from the warm comfort of my sleeper sofa and messy bookshelves.
what could be more revolutionary than this?
i inhale the sweet taste of his aroma and quietly revel
soak in amazement of my fortune.

i saw the gap again today.
half of me was begging to stay.
i took care not to enter.
if i did i may have disappeared.

another man is going to have my body.
devour my flesh and break my bones.
and it aches.
my vow to celibacy and solitude is only a word away.

tell me you don't want to see me with someone else.
that only you deserve my time and space.
i'm already committed, i just await your grace.

martyr me with your tongue.
satiate me and subdue my conscience in a way only you know how.

i feel as though i belong to you.
though not you to me