Caplink
Caplink
Beep
Beep
Beep

The Vending machine
whirls to life

Plunk*

I grab the fruit snacks
Tear open the package
and pop one
just
One
into my mouth

Now that is what I call progress

SNICK*

The blade snaps open,
the serrated jagged metal
and blinding yellow plastic handle
My salvation, my knight in yellow armor.

Metal cold and unforgiving
meeting the innocent flesh
just below my knee,
the back of my calf.

Slow painful cuts
cutting to  the beats
of my breaking heart

Blood  a pulsing living thing
weeping out of the cuts
running down my leg
Crying the pain I feel inside

Remembering their joyous laughter
turns slow to furious slashing
as tears streak down my face
cutting deeper and deeper
with every touch of the blade

The tears freeze as the pain becomes blinding
Close the blade, tuck it away,
My leg a maze of angry weeping
showing the feelings I feel inside
showing the feelings I'm to afraid to admit out loud.

Take a piece of toliet paper and clean up the mess
Exit the bathroom stall, stand infront of the mirror
Put on my eyeliner, gloss up my lips.
Plaster on a bright smile.
Exit the bathroom all together

Walk to my cubicle, sit at my desk.
Log on to my work station
with that smile still on my face.

Heres the thing

I broke down
And fell to pieces

But heres the thing


Im still here
Im still smiling


My heart is shattered
And the jagged pieces still hurt


But heres the thing


Im healing
The scar tissue is toughing

I still shed tears
I still long for old memories

But heres the thing

I can listen to our song
And its just a song to me now


We're never getting back together
This is the reality

And heres the thing....

Im finally ok with that

The dried fall leaves swirling in a tornado
in the frigid october air

The Old oak tree branches whispering to one another
In a crickity Old time language

The Witches brewing brews
in their black at night cauldrens

The Wolves and monsters howling
In the light of the Harvest Moon

Oh How I cant wait
For Old Hollow Eve's Return

Your brown eyes stare back at me
dancing in the moonlite
Carefree and laughing

I pull you too me
your body trembling against mine
Trusting me completely

you showed me a side of you
that you had never shown before
I accepted in a heartbeat

Holding hands
our fingers intertwined
our hearts becoming tangled

When your life made you cry
I would wrap you in my arms
and protect you from the pain

When you needed refuge
I opened my doors wide
and shielded you from the heartache

You left me
you left us
you tore it all away

I know you needed to
I know you needed to save yourself
from your abusive parents

Paige
Babygirl
I miss you

I miss my bestfriend
I miss my girly
I miss us

She smiles
her face stretching into a grin

Do you see it?
Her smile doesnt light up her eyes
like it should

She laughs
its sound bubbling into the air

Do you hear it?
The screams of pain
hidden in between the giggles.

She's Energetic
To hyper for her own good.

Do you notice?
The bags under her eyes
from her endless sleepless nights.

She's happy
Never in a bad mood

Do you realize?
the trails across her cheeks
Where tears of sorrow carved their place
searing themselves into her heart
like a thousand needle ******.

Do you?
Do you even care?

As I step outside,
the frosty air nips at my nose.
The weak sun hits the lawn,
Making it sparkle like thousands of crystals.

The slippery ice threatens,
to make me fall and slid.
I breathe out my mouth,
and watch the breath float in gray puff.

The wind swirls around me,
In a winter ballet.
The trees swaying,
to and fro.

No sounds can be heard,
as I walk quickly up the street.
The gray sky looks peaceful,
as if its hibernating.

The air is chilling me,
right down to the bone.
The wind keeps dancing,
and kissing me with its Winter kiss.

Her souls been shattered
She's trying to pick up the peices
But storm after storm
Keep knocking her down

What is the point of this
hollow bleak existence?
Wandering around like a lifeless zombie
shuffling from one place to another.

Is there logic in our pain?
the blinding soul destroying pain
it demands to be felt doesn't it?
but why by us?

Is there a reason for our survival?
when we are all died no one will remember us?
We are like the dinosaurs wandering this earth
waiting for our meteor to strike us dead,
to crush us into oblivion.

Don't be annoyed
at the cute things she does.
Its just her way
to show you her love.

Hold her close to you
Her favorite sound is
the steady beat of your heart

Don't bottle up
break free that dam
and tell her your feelings.
I promsie you wont scare her away.

Love her unconditionally
That is most important!

Show her that you
will always be there for her.
Show her that she can count on you.

That is the way to love a girl!

As night descends upon my world
I lay awake huddled in my bed
And my demons awake and start to play

Their poisons seeping through my veins
Their icy grip clawing through my mind

My eyes their telescope to the outside world
Weaving their dark magic and changing it to their own delusional perception

My ears their static filled radio
Catching only the darkest of
words

Their cruel voices whisper in my mind
Telling me the truths i knew in my heart all along

Their inky web holding me tight
As i cry into the starless night
Holding me promising me to never let me go.

But as the morning rays appear they scatter back into the depths
But not before they kiss me goodbye
With plans for the next sleepless time.

In this shed called life
there are many tools
and you My dear
are just one of many.

You feign intrest
in things I hold dear.
You pretend to like me
so what if just as friends.

But I can see past your lies
I can see past your flattery
You just want to use me
for your own sick
entertainment.

As the days go by
your intrest fades
and the truth starts to rise.

I knew from the begining
I knew your cruel sick game.
But I played along anyway
I knew the ending.

You're just another tool in the Shed
The shed called life.
I just wish
I hadnt been
the object
of
your
project.

My world has been rocked
Shattered to the core.

But I'm still here!

All the failures of my life
**** past me
Howling like the wind.

BUT I'm still here!

The razor looks friendly
Offering me its bitter comfort
To let my sorrow pour out.

BUT I'M still here!

Depression sings
his posioned song
Wanting me for himself

BUT I'M STILL here!

Come close to the edge
My feet stepping over.
Staring down into the Abyss

**BUT I'M STILL HERE!!!!!!!!!

Tick-Tock*
Time, you're slipping away

Tick-Tock
Don't go, please stay.

Tick-Tock
I thought You would be true

Tick-Tock
Don't you know all the **** you've put me through?

I weep
Sleep
try to eat

Curse
Sigh
Admit Defeat

Toss, Turn
Simmer
Burn

Rant
Rave
Repeat

I'm
just
action
packed
with
Issues

Do you rememebr?
That last night we shared?
Under the stars
As we slow danced.

Our song softly playing
from my cell phone speakers
how do you know when its love

You held me close
your forehead touching mine
Arms around my waist
arms around your neck

Did you know?
That that is the memory
I keep with me
everywhere I go

Did you know?
that that is the memory
that helps me get through

"Which Chapter Should I continue to right?"

"Chapter three?"

"OW"

"Chapter Four?"

"OW"

"Chapter Five?"

"OW"

"I'm sorry
BUt I dont have
A chapter OW."

"You Need to make one!"

Poor Janie
All sunburnt
and in pain

all she can say to me is

*OOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWW

Cherry blossoms rain down
on me as I climb the tree
with my book in hand
I settle down for a peaceful read.

A gust of wind sends blossoms
into a beautiful tornado
twisting and twirling
in a spring time ballet

The sun hits them
making them look
like delicate pink jewels
dancing in the golden rays.

Sitting there quietly
trying to watch TV.
Flash Flash
lights going off outside.

what is that?
is someone playing with a Camera?

Open the front door
******* its a down pour!

Thunder crashing
Lightening streaking

Perfect Maine Summer night

Thunder rumbling
down to my bones
Shaking the house.

Lightening so bright
I could read by it
like candle light.

Rain roaring
droning in my ears
Like a soothing lullaby.

What a perfect
summer night.

Have you ever gotten that feeling
That you just need to run
get away far far away from where you are now?

But you can't
your stuck
and then this crushing feeling
decends on you

you feel like crying
but you dont know why
your misrebale and angry
but in reality you're not.

Nothing holds intrest to you
But you cling to the things that once did
Trying to submerse yourself into it
Thinking maybe it can take the crushing feelign away

You just want to give up for the day
and curl up back in bed
and cry yourself to sleep.

But that crushign feeling just wont go away
it worms its way in and settles in for a long ride
And you just want to run
Run away, Far Far away.

I know right now is stressful
and its tough day by day
Don't worry I'll be here
Always with a listening ear

You can talk to me about anything
and everything that comes your way
I'll sit right here and be your friend,
I wont judge or toss you away

I'll hold you if you feel like crying
And then I'll wipe away your tears

You got a friend right here in me
I'll be loyal until the end
just say the words and I'll come running
When ever you're in need.

My friends and family are everything to me
And guess what you fit both categories.
So don't worry I am here
This I know I can promise you.

Up where they walk, up where they run
Up where they stay all day in the sun
Wanderin' free - wish I could be
Part of that world*

Up where they run, and fall clumsily down
Up where they stay and get burned in the sun
Are they really free, do you really wish to be
Part of our world?

Do you want to trade your life away?
To be like the cool kids?
Squish down your individualism
Give up what makes you you?
just to be Part of our world?

Lose yourself completely
think with the group, not by yourself
Give up your own unique style for fit and trendy clothes.
Give up your old friends, for all the popular crowds
Just to be Part of our world?

Don't be silly
don't be a fool
Don't give  up you!
You can still be part of our world

Just by being you!

Can I just Give up?
Its what I want to do.
Take this blade
and end it all.

Can I just lay down
and accept defeat?
It'd be so much easier
then living in hell.

NO
I CAN'T
I WONT

I want to
I so despretly want to
but I know I can't

My family they need me
They want me to stay.
So I will push it all away
and learn to survive.

Stupid Little child
Stop acting like your opinions
are better then everyone elses
It jsut makes you look pathetic

Only getting half an hour of sleep
Down an AMP
Liquid energy

Walk on to work
Knee give out
Sprain and twist
ankle and knee

Body tired
eyes dropping low
Amp buzzing through my veins
So Wired its comical

Every time my eyes drift close
PING
They pop wide open

I'm Wired and Tired
And I'm ready to go.

Every time I see your smiling face
my stomach gets butterflies
my breath falters.
My heart swells with love.

Every time you kiss me
My knees go weak
My head goes light
I love the feeling.

So special you are to me.
I don't know what I would do
if I ever lost you.
So I hope I never have to find out.

The Razer,
It calls to me,
It tells me its my friend.
I want to believe it

Spinning Dizzily
In a whirlwind of confusion
As your breath is ripped from your lungs
and your screams are scattered into the raging winds.

Just close your eyes
Breathe slowly
counts to ten
1...2...3...4...5
you know the rest.

These winds inside you will still
when and for how long I wish I knew
But just hang in until then I know you can do it
Your stronger then you give your self credit.

Just Breathe in and out
that tightness in your chest will lessen

Your life is a kaleidoscope of crazy
all those colors and emotions raging inside
creating that whirlwind to fast to control.
Or so you think.

Just stand still and breathe
some day there will be a shining sun.
It ***** right now but I promise you
Someday... SOMEDAY..... Things will get better

Toxic green nails
glide over your skin
Leaving their Mark
upon your soft flesh
Creating goose bumps
in their wake

All this anger
is clawing at my stomach
it wants to be heard
it wants to scream and make a scene
the tears want to come
but my eyes wont let them
I want to throw punches
but my hands are frozen to my side
the thoughts in my head
are begging to be voiced
but my mouth wont open
wont let them out
eyes turn darker
my visions going black
rampage barbie
on the lose
blood starts boiling
can't hold me back
I break through my paralyzes
my words start spewing
tears come flooding
thoughts being heard
body does what it please
has a mind of it's own
struggling for control
fighting the urge trying
to calm my heart
what's happening to me
is a new sensation it
scares me right to my senses
snap out like I've been in a daze
feels like a dream but in reality
       ... It's destruction.

That moment when a REALLY cute boy walks by you at work
and suddenly you are ingulfed in his Cologne.
GAH >.<

Bright blue eyes
that show her sorrow

Her smile fake
masking her pain

Pull me up
Drag me to the Bathroom

"Eat these or I will forse you"
Lunchables in my hand

"Don't you know someone cares?"
tears fall down my face

"Baby don't do this Don't waste away"
More Lunchables, more tears

Hallie baby I love you
you saved me from myself

Anerxia was taking over
its teeth firmly locked onto my body

But you took it and you shook it
and made it let go

Hallie baby I love you
you are my angel in this dark and crazy world

Sit on your lap
with my head on your chest.
I reach down to touch you.
You instantly grow.

You ease me down,
Not wanting to be teased.
Take off my dress,
*******, licking, and *******.

Moaning and screaming.
I start to get wet and hot.
***** as can be.
Begging for you to **** me.

You sit back and let me get on top.
I shove you in far and deep.
Riding you as fast as I can.
Making you shudder.

You push me against the wall.
Grounding yourself in as hard as you can.
Biting my lip trying not to scream to loud.
Your hard **** throbbing inside me.

Pulling out,you put your **** in my opened mouth.
I move back and forth my tongue caressing your hardness.
You grow and grow and start to throb.
I want you back within me.

"**** me baby hard and Deep"
You shove back in as hard as you can.
rough and deep
We go to the extreme.

Tie me up and have your way.
Naughty things we try.
Not caring about our screams.
******* not wanting to stop.

Explode together,
Not taking notice not wanting to stop.
Going for another round.
"Baby have your way."

Explode again,
Breathless we stop.
Aching and spent.
Your **** still throbbing.

I put you back in my mouth.
Growing and throbbing,
I make you shudder,
Knowing what will happen next.

It was staring her in the face.
Laughing at her as her tears fell.
It taunted her with its cruel reality.


She wasnt special. She wasnt anything.
She was just some throw away girl
that nobody ever gave a second glance at.
Used like a door mat then tossed away when finished with.


She knew that was all she was.
She never tried to stop it.
She figured "At least she got some attention right?"
Even if it was toxic.
Even If it was just use and abuse.


She smiled on the outside,
made people laugh and made their days.
She was like the court jester to life's sadness.
It kept everyone at bay.
No one looked to closely at the smiling happy child.


No one saw the pain in her eyes silently screaming.
No one saw the marks covering her thighs.
NO one saw the tears at night
or heard the agonizes wails that only her pillow heard.


She just bit back her pain.
And went about her day.

I vow to protect you

agains the firery depths

of the devils Hell



I'll defend against the

demons in your head



I brandish not a sword

But Love and Hope



Lean on me

I'll lend you my stength



You may not be able to see me

You may not be able to hear me

But Always know that I am here



I'll protect you with my life and soul

The Joy of Reading
Is like no other
its a peaceful fullfilment
that lights you from within.

It Transports you
to strange and wonderful places
Some you've heard about
some you never could have dreamed of
even in your wildest dreams

It can take your stress away
and leave you in a happy place

It settles around you
like an old familair Blanket
Comforting you and soothing you
in ways only reading can

Take me
to that old road
Evergreen Avenue

Take me
to that little beige house
sitting three houses
from the bottom

take me
To that old room
Where the water bed once stood
and the door is busted
and wont unlock unless you use a knife

Take me to that old basement
Where a futon and a big screen Tv still reside
Where chalk covered walls
hold all the memories
of a girl once so happy

Take me
Take me home

In the dictionary
the definition of amazing is:
To fill with wonder.
To astound.

My definition is:
How your eyes
are brighter then
all the stars in the sky.

When you lite up
a room with
your dazzling smile.
And take my breath away.

How your laugh
sounds like
a thousand angels
singing from heaven.

How you make me
feel special without
even meaning to
just by being you.

My definition of amazing is:
Everything that makes up,
you

That moment when you are sitting in your brothers room
Sitting on his bed and crying your heart out
Because you miss him so freaking much
and you know you're about to lose him.

He's slipping through your fingers
and you don't know how to stop it.

When all you want to do is just hold on to him
just a little more tightly
not wanting to let him go

But you know you have to let him go
or risk losing him forever

But you just want to cling to him
To keep him close to you
But he's clawing at your fingers
slipping through them like water

How do you let him go
but still hold on to him?

The only place I feel safe
Is in your tight embrace.
The only place I belong
Is by your side.

Nothing else matters
When I'm with you.
All my problems and fears
vanish in your presence.

I feel like a somebody
when you're with me.
I feel important and special
when I'm around you.

No one has ever made me feel this way.
Then you came along and everything changed.
Suddenly my dark world found the light.
And I finally felt like I belonged.

Darkness rises,
as my will begins to fade.

Poison seeps in,
as my thoughts begin to cave.

Cruelty blooms,
as my words become like weapons

I am a force
to be reckoned with.

Sugar and spice
has become
Hellish and violence.

The girl I once was
is the girl I am
No Longer

Let me feel your lips
Glide over my naked skin
leaving trails of fire.
Run my fingers through your hair
twisting it between my fingers
as a moan of esctasy escapes

I cant take this any longer.
Push between my legs
I'm ready for you
Take me now

let me love you
with a firey passion
I cant hold back anymore

Grip my hips
I'll meet yours
****** for ******.

Moaning out my name
I whisper yours
in breathy pleasure.
As our souls join together
for a passionate dance

Release our love
together
hand in hand.

I smile on the outside
when everthing inside
is decaying with each breath

But my normal happy smile
is slipping and falling
as the tears spill over.

I cant take this anymore
I need help

I cant take this pain anymore
its sufficating me, killing me.

I dont know what to do.
I'm tired of being strong
I'm tired of holding this in.

I'm tired of being called dramatic
everytime I try to break down.
I'm tired of pretending

I dont know what to do

Someone please tell me
Someone tell me what to do.

We all hide behind a mask,
the one we want everyone to see,
While the real us is fading,
decaying within the stone walls we create.

What happens when that's not enough?
The real us wants to spread its wings,
It's banging on those walls with a sledgehammer
Cracks are starting to show in that carefully constructed mask.


When that mask finally shatters
Will you be able to recognize yourself?

You're lucky I wasnt there
You're lucky I did not see
Because If I had
you would still be in the cold hard ground
But I'd be in Jail
not loosing a wink of sleep

Blade up to my wrists
Note written on tear stained pages
Wanting to end it all

you can do it,
no one will care

Tears of pain run down my cheeks
my world finally crumbling down

I'm sorry
sister
brothers
mama
daddy
But I cant do this anymore.

NO!!!
DONT  DO THIS!!!

Holding on to that last bit of Strength
I turned to the one person who I knew could help

Natan

My best friend through the ages
I text you
blade still to my wrist
tears still falling down

And even though your words were obvious
and even though I lashed out with cruelity
fighting you every step of the way
you didnt give up on me
you didnt back away

You saved me.
My Best friend through the ages.
I guess when you said
you would always be there
You werent joking

SO thank you
Thank you Nathan
For saving my life.