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Fel Feb 2014
Sticks and stones

May break my bones

But your words

Can make or break me
Fel Feb 2014
I'm sorry I'm not the one you wanted
I'm sorry I even asked you
If you didn't want me,
Then why did you say yes?
To spare my feelings?
To be nice?
It'd be better if I never even asked
Cause we can't talk anymore
And I can't stand it
It's like
I try so hard
To get a thought out of you
And you either just
Look away
Pretend you didn't hear
Or you just
Give a slight chuckle
"Huh huh huh"
And nod
No words
Or little words
And I want more words
I don't care
Whether or not
You feel the same way
I just want to talk to you again
And I don't get it
Mixed signals ****
My best friends think you feel the same
And that that is why you're so awkward
But I think that you don't
And that you just want to be friends
Or not even anymore,
After my bold move
Please
Get me out of my hell
Sure,
I would be very hurt
If you had said no
But I'd rather have that than this
At least with that
We could still talk
Have actual conversations
Conversations with two sides
Two equal sides
Sides that actually cared
I'm sorry I even bothered
To go after you
I should have left it alone
And that's why I never do this
This is why I never take chances
Sure,
Someday it might work
Just maybe
I'll find someone
And love them
And the feeling would be mutual
But I'm impatient
I'd rather just not try
Just say "**** it,
I'll never win."
And move on
At least then I won't get frustrated
Or get hurt
Really,
I'd rather be just friends with you
Than be whatever the hell we have
This awkward ****
It *****.
I only want a freaking conversation. Talk to me.
Fel Feb 2014
Eyes.
I always feared eyes.
Of course,
I've gotten over that fear
But a long long time ago
When I was but
A youngling
A child
A toddler
I feared eyes.
They were in my dreams
My nightmares
And I couldn't shake them.
They were the eyes of my family
My neighbours,
My teachers,
My friends
Even my mother's
Own hazel eyes
They scared me.
I was even afraid
To look into my own eyes
In the mirror
Or in pictures
So I never bothered to
But I was always told
They were a bright green
Like my granddad's
I never knew
Not until middle school
When I finally got over that fear
I remember I started
To look into the eyes
Of my first real crush.
They were a deep ocean blue
That was when I started to look into eyes
And truly saw their
Deep depths
It was a whole new world
I was amazed.
My eleven-year-old self
Finally got over her own fear
One she didn't know she had.
I got along better with people
Made more friends
Saw who they truly were
By their eyes.
Made connections,
Followed where others' eyes had led.
I slowly became more
Aware of things
I saw more than just a person's face
A person's body
I sort of saw
Into their very soul.


But now,
I have a new
Sort of fear
Of others seeing my eyes.
I try to hide them
Usually by my hair
Or by reflective sunglasses.
No one knows
I feel this way
Because I don't want others to see
What I look for
I don't want others to see
Into my deep depths
And to see
Into my very soul
Because it's far too dark in there
I'm afraid they'll leave me.
The fear's not for everyone,
But it is for a lot of people
I fear for them to see
I don't know why
Don't ask me
I just do.
I just don't want others
To see into my dark soul.


I just realized
You all just saw into my soul.
I don't even know you.






*****.
I think I'm gonna start doing a confessions sort of thing regularly. I got the idea from one of my favorite poets on here, so yeah.
Fel Feb 2014
iwanttoseeintoyourmind-andtravelthroughyourtorturedsoul
Fel Feb 2014
Let's recreate
The beautiful moment
That I believe
I fell in love with you.

It was November the second,
Two thousand thirteen
And of all days,
It was a band competition.

An important one,
A Bands of America Regional
In the lovely
St. George, Utah.

I don't remember the weather,
And I don't know whether
Or not it's the same for you,
But this is what I recollect:


We had performed in finals,
As we were so surprised to do so
Our preliminary performance
Not being so great.
But finals was great.
It was my best performance so far
And that feeling I felt
When I stepped off that turf;
Magical.

We put our instruments onto our semi
"Optimus Pride," as we call it
We put our hats away
And received instructions to go get dinner.

I found you immediately
I believe promising you to hang out
After we stepped off
So I could tell you how everything would go down
You're a freshman, after all
Your first BOA.
I had been telling you all sorts of little
Tips and tricks this season anyway
And you were willing to listen and take heed.

Anyway,
We met up.
And we both felt this
Hype.

A most magical Hype.
A high higher than any high from any drug
And we were crazed;
Band does this sort of thing so some, such as us.

And so we went around
Hugging others who were also feeling the Hype
And talking about hopes of high placements
For Full Retreat,
And how I had promised you
We would go around and talk to the other bands
And go meet their trombone sections

But I remember
In the Hype
The look that was in your beautiful eyes
Almost a craze
And in love sort of look.
And that was when I realized you've finally found the magic.
That was when I knew you were in love with this dorky activity
Just as much as I.



And that was what made me fall in love with you.



That look.
And it wasn't even reserved for me
But I knew you felt passionate about something
That I too felt passion for.

That look.
Now that I've been thinking about it,
I can't get it out of my head.

That look.
Now that I've been thinking about it,
I realized I haven't seen it since then
For whatever reason.

And I miss it.
I want to see it again.
I need to see it again.
And it is lovely and all what that look was originally meant for
But I'm hopelessly wishing
That that look could
Be reserved for me
And that that look meant that
You were in love with me.

But of course,
Things almost never work in my favor,
And that's okay
I'll get over it

And until then,
I'll see that look
Whenever I close my eyes
And relish the memories I have
Of that wonderful
Autumn day.


That you for sharing that moment with me.
This is a bit of a personal one, but I was thinking about my favorite memories from this past marching season, and this one pulled up as number one. I felt the need to share this beautiful moment with you all. Enjoy.
Fel Feb 2014
Dock. Dock. Dock. Dock.

The sound of your clicks
They keep me in time.

Dock. Dock. Dock. Dock.

I rely upon you
To always be right.

Dock. Dock. Dock. Dock.

You'll never mess up,
Or at least I believe...

Dock. Dock. Dock. Dock.

But you messing up,
That thought's hard to conceive.

Dock. Dock. Dock...




...but eventually, you do.
Either you have broken down
Or your batteries are dead
Your *docks
stop ticking
And I end up tripping
Flat on my face
Such a disgrace
Especially when I thought
I could be on my own

    I.                                                                                  

Thought.                                                                                          
              
Wrong.                                                                                                                


So I pick myself back up again
Bruised and scarred,
Music of my soul displaced,
And try to find my own beat.

And at first it's hard
I can't keep tempo
But I get the hang of it
Making my own clicks and taps
With my teeth and fingers.
I still mess up,
But I can do this on my own.

At least I believe so                                                                  

But your own beautiful docks
Echo through my thoughts
My beautiful metronome
Clear as day

But it's only a memory
Not strong enough
To pull me through

But that's okay
Independence is key

But somewhere in the distance
I hear your docks
Not just a memory this time
Echoing through my head

And just when I thought I got myself
I stumble and fall,
And pick right back up to you
To your sweet sounds
That kept me align.

You're different now
Not the same                                                              
Not my beautiful metronome
Instead,
You're a ruthless beast
Who devours my very soul
Who steals the music of my heart.

Before, you only displaced it
But not you've set it on fire
And as the flames lick up the pages
Of my dreams and my fears
I see you smile
As I fall on my knees.
I watched it burn in your eyes
My whole world caught on fire
And yet all you do this smile.

And I can still hear the familiar, sickening beat...


*Dock. Dock. Dock. Dock.
I personally feel this poem is one of my best works yet.

Sometimes, the ones you thought you could always depend on end up being the ones to break you down.
Fel Feb 2014
I asked him.



He said yes.



I can fly away,
If you're following my writings, you'll know what I'm talking about.
If not, go read The One or The Other, and then read An Update.
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