Hi.
Hello.
Distanced greetings to replace what I would rather say to you.
You may be a "hi" on a Monday but on my day off, you are a "please come over".
On day off number two, you are a "see me, touch me, be with me",
not With me--with me, I could not handle that,
but be near me like we use to,
how we can manipulate the clock into making the day 25 hours long without noticing.

Time is more observed now.
I see an hour spent with you like I see a full moon,
waining, waining,
I am Waiting, waiting to effortlessly know you again.
Do not worry about your privacy, I don't want to take it.
I am not in love,
this is not about that,
if it were, I would know what to do.
No, this is something much more permanent than the fluctuating ecstasy of love.
This is loss.
You know that is hard for me.
I can't go on a date and laugh and drink and forget.
To be clear, I am not upset if you can.
Maybe all you are losing is me,
maybe that thought has settled in and been accepted,
look at all you can gain now,right?

I lose weight. I lose sleep. I lose support. I lose a second family. I lose holidays away from home.
I lose friends that were yours, that were mine, that were really yours.
I lose you and it is more than I am used to losing.
I stub my toe every time I say your name, think your name,
hoping it will force me to stop thinking your name,
this is not a fun game.

The pieces of us when we broke, no longer fit,
with that I agree,
but don't  you think with all the pieces of you and all
the pieces of me,
one is hiding to be found when we are whole people.
It's a nice thought anyway that stops me from down playing what we were.

I often convince myself of a truth that could be possible.
You do not care for me,
you will not call me,
you will not remind me any of this was real
because you don't love me.

You write in that book what I want to hear in my ear,
Please don't study me and take notes.
The experiment chapter is over.
You got the results,
I got what is left.

I live in a glass house
built up on polite smiles
and forced laughter.

A house that I want
everyone to look into.
But one I never look out of,
to see you walking home alone,
on these dark empty streets
with lonely branches and street lamps
as company.

If I could see you
I would love you.

Because then I would understand
that love is

listening to you sing in the shower
to an audience of watered down
shampoo bottles
and gray bars of soap.

It is seeing you stare
out your solitary window
looking for stars in a city
whose lights are too bright.

It is feeling your heart beat
under thin cotton sheets, while
your mother and father
are fighting in the hallway
and you feel like these 17
years have been a waste
because you are just a child
holding a blanket again.

I’ve kept my shades down
and my doors locked
but the foundations of my
house are cracking like thin ice on
a January morning.

I have learned that
obligatory hugs
in the hallways, at dances, and at train stations
do not substitute for love.

Love lives beyond borders,
and fences, and walls, and barriers.

Ones that I’ve been to frightened
to jump over.


But if I knew what it felt like
to hold you under the covers
to keep you as warm as these
cold hands could.

To hear you in your silence screaming
in whispers, just like I am.

If I could look at your almond eyes
and your gawky arms,
and your spongy fingers,
and your silky hair.

And let the colors wash away, and the noises
fade out, and let the scratchy feeling of
reality become soft like your fingertips grazing my skin.

I would realize that the two different
houses we live in, share common ground.

Help me leave this house
that I’ve built on fear of honesty and
hold your hand, because in between the
spaces our fingers intertwine
is your heart and mine.

Building a new home,
with cement made of vulnerability,
and bricks made of acceptance.

If you've wondered why I shy from bathing in your eyes
-it's because I'm terrified of where you'll drain me.
Refraining
Abstaining
From explaining why my brain chains itself to the thought of you.
The thought of you-
Remains coursing through my veins like heavy doses of *******;
I can not restrain the rain that steadily maintains its downfall along the inner walls of my thighs
If I jump inside your eyes,

Will you bathe me?

People will disappoint you
Find your hero within
Confidants are few

Worshiping athletes is through
Trash jerseys in the bin
People will disappoint you

Hero worship is taboo
Celebrities and spin
Confidants are few

Others will lead you askew
Fidelity is thin
People will disappoint you

Parents can lose luster too
Once hero, now has been
Confidants are few

Bid pseudo heroes a dew
Your hero dawns your skin
People will disappoint you
Confidants are few

There's a tree over there
that waits for its dreamer.

I have survived many.
And lost much
but to tell all would encumber several human spans
because
I have lived and longed.
I have learned and yearned.
I have waited.
At the train station, where existence can only be fulfilled
via a spiritual connection.
Bounded by roots that twist and secure
Soon to be bonded with thoughts
Floating through the sky, riding the air waves, see-through till caught
in a spider's web, or something like it.
And imaginary gets real.
Take in the matter
Scrub the void with scrounged emotions and colors
Pour in materials of lint and string.
Mediums with no particular conductance,
but taught it tight
and strum till the vibrations reverberate
and bring your idea to life in my wings
Because you are my dreamer.
And I am your catcher.
Hung on a wooden peg,
in your study.
Waiting for the day you
pick me up
and all your dreams tumble out and
materialize
and you realize **who you are.

"Thank you" died on pasted lips.
A hairsbreadth length from freedom
flew up and rattled
strumming vocal chords like guitar strings,
'til struck into a barrier
like lapping waves against stone cold concrete
"let..me....ouuuuut....."
gasping
flopping on land
overflows, in flows of oxygen
can't breathe,
like a fish out of water.
can't break through,
like water trapped by a dam.
cannot forgive,
to give a second chance.
Disillusioned
by a little secret               I love you.
decrease the time step
and let the iterations skip beats
get there faster
with less accuracy
if...................for...................while
end.   ­                                           % for loop termination

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