And in this red moment
nothing would please me more than being called a firecracker

Today I still feel like I’m suffocating
And my anger starts to boil faster . . .
It will be 12 years in January . . .
13 years old when I fell foul prey
to an illness many say
is caused by saying “Yes” too much
and too little else
These stupid 1% diseases
caused by lack of fermented foods and adequate self-actualization
I don’t identify with this illness
I don’t think I’d be noticeably different without it
But I see as through a glass darkly
And I believe all this pain will be beautiful someday
not dampened by these complaints

Last night I dreamed you were a koi kissing sweetheart
I find it amusing how my mind takes the people I admire most
those who are intriguing and inspirational
and spins them joyful fantasies in my sleep
As if I didn’t do it enough while I was awake

So I recently joined eHarmony and you know what my biggest fear is? Going on a date and discovering the guy is sexist, or worse, only finding out after several dates. I’m fully confident I can spot most major issues before deciding to meet up, and any I’ve missed prior I’m sure I can spot in person, but I don’t have a clue how well my chauvinist radar works. I never really thought about this before this week. Maybe it’s because of where I’ve arrived in my journey of self-discovery and self worth. I ******* hate the term “Lady”. It’s outdated. I don’t have a use for “Gentleman” either. You’re a good person or you’re not. I guess this actually stems majorly from my pain in my last relationship, with a controlling dude who was a bit sexist. What am I afraid of? Being made to feel small. Having my feelings invalidated. Not being encouraged to express my joy, my pain, my sorrow, my anger, every part of me I want to express. That’s what I hate about the idea of “a lady”, it so often portrays a woman who hides her feelings. **** that! Change the heart, but never cover it up.
I want to be allowed to bloom, I want to watched in expectation and awe.
I want you to be waiting for my next move yet somehow always content.
I want you as a bursting star meets bursting star in emotional brilliance. I want you to be open and ready for all I am to fall into all you are.
I want a glorious canvas covering itself in shocking color to find me as their inspiration.
And that’s why it’s so hard for me to write a list of what I want in a man. I don’t know what to say, I want to be part of a ******* fireworks display?

I’ve lost count . . .
no, I never cared to count
I never do
I don’t know how many . . .
Perfect fantasies I’ve created
now forgotten
A dozen alabaster jars I’ve painted
the roses faded
A hundred jeweled webs I’ve spun
the prism raindrops dried away
leaving dusty silken remnants
All vague reminder of the hopes
The joys I’d wished I had
All dashed
And I feel kind of like a spider that’s never left her corner