I try to imagine myself as warrior, as fierce, wild and free
Yet some days the tremors grip me and I am left sailing an open ocean while lying under covers
Salty waves harass my body, my open wounds hiss
Yet it is my teardrops that may drown me

Then I was thinking about you and how you paint my life every colour imaginable,
that you make me feel like the moment when you're running and its effortless and you swear if you ran a little faster you could fly,
you make me smile like suddenly there is a sky of fireflies and their glow is lighting up the whole word,
you make me ache when I am not with you, feel whole when I am and I know that each snowflake is different but you are a snowflake all of your own, not pale or white, you glow and I know when you look at me everything is on show, like suddenly I am a personal library for your viewing only and you are reading every book I have ever owned... and that... well it's terrifying

Hello mum,
Can you hear me?
Time cannot heal the wounds created by your death,
Every time I feel familiar with this ache inside of me, isolation claws at my chest and square one greets me again,
The nightmares constantly visit me, in them I see you suffer, then wake to cry tears I wish you could wipe away,
You were wrong, I cannot cope, I am not okay...

You are dead
But if you need me
Look anywhere but your gravestone
Because I am too selfish to visit you now
I have enough daily reminders of your death
For example my constant thoughts of suicide
Because truly, how am I meant to be alive without you

You died, you got to leave, on to better places I hope
Don't worry about me, I have memories to cry over and my crippling loneliness to keep me occupied
I have your belongings as a constant reminder
Just in case.... for a mere second, I forgot that you are dead

These blankets protect me, the darkness my companion
Here I can avoid all my responsibilities and be bitterly angry that I won't try to function
I can wrap my self loathing around my throat and scream silently for help
Then be upset when no one tries to save me

Mama maybe you want what is best for me, but I crave the opposite
I feel like a watch nobody bothered to fix
Still pretty, but unable to function
I feel like everything is a mystery,
But we always knew I was no problem solver,
See you did that for me
And now I'm spinning in circles, trying to find the answers I can not find for myself