Somedays, it physically hurts to smile.
It seems as if my entire body is against the idea of making me feel enough.
It seems as if no matter how much I beg for forgiveness, it won't be enough.
It seems as if my mind decided to let my demons take over and my heart played along because it couldn't see the shadows that followed.
It seems as if even if I could change every turn that was taken, it'd lead to the same path of inconsequential pain.
It seems as if even if I wrote down every feeling that could be felt in the most simplified manner, it'd be irrelevant.
It seems as if every time things blurred up, it wasn't just the tears but my amygdala trying to numb the pain.
But I Know that more than anything it is I that wants to not smile because it I'd rather hurt emotionally than physically.

I can't seem to find the right words.
I can hear my heart beating in my ears.
It's so faint, I convince myself to believe that it isn't my imagination; which had allowed me to feel it on my fingertips or in my knees or on my lips.
I can feel each neuron lighting up from the nape of my neck to my crooked elbow.
I can smell the sound of falling in love.
But I can't seem to find the right words.
I want to let the world hear the overwhelming scent of fear.
I want to let the world know how it feels to live someone else's breakup, how my heart learns to beat rhythmically after 17 years.
But I still can't seem to find the right words to explain everything I'm feeling.
I try to put it together but it never fits.
Like the hyperpigmentation on my thighs, the red spots in my eyes and the sobs in my cries.
Bear with me a little longer while I try to piece this puzzle together or we could hold on to this feeling forever.
Whichever it may be, decide, while I struggle to find the right words.

My heart should ache but it doesn't.
My head should hurt but it doesn't.
My soul should yearn but it doesn't.
Instead, my lips quiver.
Dancing to song of freedom.

If I could be among the stars,
Maybe I'd then be able to read your mind.
Maybe then, when you close your eyes and your lips part, I'll know what you wish for.

If I could hear your thoughts,
Maybe then I'd know what you think about when you are lonely,
How you and your mind amuse each other.
What plays on your mind when the radio hums in the background in your car.

If I could hold your hand,
Maybe then I'd know how what people say affects you,
And when your fingers try to play hide and seek with mine, I'll always be the one seeking.
Maybe then, I'll know whether I'm the only one who is seeking.

If only I could find you,
All this would blur away and I'd be able to live every moment as if it were the last.