I know I've compared your body
To the ocean and tall mountains
So rigid and structured
And I have compared your hands
To many others beings of the earth
But let's talk about your name
It starts with "J"
And no
You are not a Jeff
I clap twice at your name
Two syllables
But not many know your true name
Not many at all
Your name is something  I can not forget
It rolls off my tongue
When I am least expecting it
And I suppose my preconscious
Liked to think of you
I accidentally say your name daily now, I do.
I clap twice
Your name is something whispered in sleep
Your name is something I screamed on the bathroom floor
A blood curdling scream
Your name is trying to leave my mouth
But it fits so comfortable there
Your name does not want to leave
Your name made a home out the gaping hole in my face
Two syllables or one
You could go either way
I find myself slipping
I wonder
Have you called her the wrong name yet?
I always knew you were being serious when you called me by own
And so I am just wondering,
Has my name cursed the tip of your tongue with a bitter taste?
I think you were used to being good at the name game
I mean, look at all of the women standing in your front yard
They never knew which direction the sky was
And I am one of the few that'd been saved
I clap twice
I'm wondering how long it will take.
When will I finally give up trying to make a home out of the bone white afternoon
Your name causes trouble
Leads me to slapped wrists and cuts along the frayed edges of my skirt
Rulers dripping with a red textured tint
And no it was never paint from my art set
Your name is poison
Your name is alcohol
I'm gulping your name down
To keep myself from becoming love sick
It used to taste so sweet
Radiated smiles
But every time I bring up your name
I get sympathetic looks
I receive
"Oh, sweetheart. He's not worth it.."
But you were.
I guess comparing your body to the planets and constellations was never enough
And it had always been your name leaving me..

I know I said I can't remember the day you left
But I think it's been two or three weeks now..

On December 21, 2012
The world was supposed to end
Obviously we are still rolling in motion
And most of us are okay
Fast forward two years
On December 21, 2014
You finally kissed me in the midst of a crowded complex
And I was just thinking about how it was a coincidence that a few years back,
The world was supposed to end
But when you fast forward,
My world had just begun
On December 4th, 2014
I let go of someone else,
So that way I could truly be yours forever
We could finally start off right
I can remember that, clear as day.
We went on and I can remember when you first told me long stories about how your parents went from nothing
To successful
How you held my hand tight
But knew I liked you to hold me a certain way
And kissed me when I least expected it
How you always complimented me on the way I looked
But after awhile
I looked down at my hands
And I noticed the blood dripping down my wrists
And you'd secretly been stabbing me
While you ****** her
I noticed how angry you were with me
And I couldn't stop the sadness
I apologized for you being angry with me
I apologized for you ******* the life out of her
I apologized when I finally broke it off with you after coming home from the hospital
I didn't want you to leave
But I suppose it's better to leave the ones
That make you feel so empty inside
Like they've taken something out of your bones every time
And they won't return it, in the way you won't return the records I bought you.
I can't remember much of what happened that day
I'm good with dates, I swear.
I can name off the day we first kissed, the day of our first date, the first time I met your father.
I can remember your birthday, our anniversary, the first time you took me to that art museum
But I cannot remember the day I let you go
It's.. Like Ive blocked it out of my memory
I thought you'd come back
I thought you'd say,
"Baby, please. Let me fix it."
But you didn't.
And that's all I can say I really remember..
Well that and some of your words
That did more than just bruising my skin
The words you used to cause
Dents
And punctures
And words so sharp it took my entire flesh off the bone
I remember those
Like,
"You say I am selfish, but you are the one wanting to commit suicide."
And I am pretty sure I apologized for that too
Because it was something I always said to keep you from leaving..
That's wrong isn't it?
My apologies became as sweet as honey
They always danced off my tongue
And you were a bee,
Collecting it
Absorbing it
And taking it back home
But instead of putting it to use
You abused me with it
Kept doing the same **** things
I only made up excuses for you
When my friends asked where you were when he passed away
I said I'm sorry
This is something I said later when I was crying over him and sad that there was nothing I could do to stop my grieving.
I apologized
When you couldn't make it to the funeral
My god
You didn't even make it to my own
Because I had been dying inside the whole time
I said I am sorry
The date was March 17, 2015..

I have been putting all of these tasks off for awhile now
It's definitely been hard to accomplish them
First I started with tossing out the letters you wrote me
They were always so vague, and never full of details.
Those **** letters
I cried for three days when I realized I would never read them again..
I then went for the journal you had wrote me
And I shoved it in a bag
Along with your giant sweaters and the gifts you gave me
Like the stuffed lion
I also gave back the book of poetry I had wrote for you
Because you always said you liked my writing
And keeping it for myself would only bring my grave sadness
I cried every night after giving that back
Because it was a realization that things between us were really over
And you didn't miss me
So now I am still trying to get rid of all the remains you left in my house
I still have the candles
And the dress
And the cards
But I washed out my bed sheets
So I no longer have your scent etched in them
And though they are warm
They lack you
I'm trying to keep myself from caving and talking to you again
Its really difficult, you know..
My god
I miss you so much
You being gone is leaving me empty
You keep saying you want to be friends
But I just can't
I am so in love with you
How can you just pick everything up like that and walk away from it all?
These sheets are too clean
I want to ***** them with my blood
Stain them red
I have been sensing danger in my head
Living without you is a ******* nightmare
And I can't say those haven't stopped either
I miss you I miss you I miss you
You are all I think about at 2 am
And 2 pm
Why won't you come back to me so I can call you mine?
My god
I am so sad and desperate without you
I know
I ****** things up
But baby, you said that's what you liked most about me
These sheets are too clean
Come back
I don't want to beg anymore

I realized
The smell of flowers didn't remind me of spring
But funerals instead

I just..
I thought when I left,
The dreams would leave with you.
But they haven't, no..
They continue to get worse
And within them I am running away from the monsters labeled
Depression
Low Self-esteem
You
I wake up with shaky hands
AND I AM GASPING FOR AIR
LIKE I'VE JUST BROKEN THE SURFACE
AFTER SWIMMING UP FROM THE BOTTOM OF THE DEAD SEA
I'm sorry
The girls who tugged on your shirt sleeves
Carried you away again
And all I've been doing is trying to save you from the ones named:
Liar
*****
Boredom
Because I was the only one who truly wanted you for the better reasons
You, you wouldn't have it
Said you'd rather leave me in the bottom of the pool
With weights tied down to my small ankles
Rolling over, I've been sleep deprived
Start of exhaustion
From lack of you
Lack of sleep
Lack of love
I'd say I miss you
But you always left me suffocating
Like a victim under decorated pillows
You see, what you are doing looks beautiful on the outside
So bystanders don't stop and help me
I stretch my legs
And trace my fingers over the areas you used to touch
You smelled of old spices
And reminiscing after thoughts
Nostalgia has been flooding the waters of the sunken ship
But people pass by on a boat
Thinking "what a beautiful disaster"
No one jumps in the water
To save the only passenger
Sinking in the oceans current
HELP ME
I'M DROWNING
I'M NOT LOOKING FOR EXCUSES
JUST SAVE ME
But you don't budge
Can barely move
And my fist become clenched
The woman appears on the boat with wine
She wraps her arms around your waist,
Much like I used to
She whispers something in your ears
Making a look I know all too well appear on your beautiful face
I ... Take it back
It's beginning to rain
And I am fighting the weights
The boat is becoming distant
As you walk with her into the cabin
Linked arms
Shoulder to shoulder
My legs are tingling
My breathing never slows
My pulse going a mile a minute
This is where I wake up
With blood draining down the side of my chest
How did I end up in this hospital?
Of course, I wake up to familiar faces
But.. They aren't yours
It's not that I miss you
No, it's just that I'm afraid
You've ruined me
My first lover,
My darling,
Your lies have shattered a once innocent heart
I cannot feel the love radiating out of you
You were my entire world
But I, was just another measly star in your solar system...
Stay where you are
I know you won't make circles to come back to me
And fix my battered heart,
Smoothen my sharp edges
I've learned the hard way
But I guess I'm realizing
It was only ever me treading heavy waters
With weights clenching my ankles for survival

I can't sleep
You're gone
And it used to be blood battles every night
But tonight it's silent
And all I can hear are crickets chirping in the yard
The silence is deafening
Sometimes, I prefer you screaming at me through the phone
Just because it meant we were working through something
But last time, I knew it was coming to an end
So I broke it off before you could
And now all I whisper, is your name in my sleep
All I whisper is the places we've been together
The people we've become
My hands are so empty and trembling without yours
The other whole that completed me has moved on so quickly
I guess I thought you wouldn't persuade me by lying anymore after it all happened
But nothing changed
When I text you goodnight,
"Baby" appears as something I should say next
But I dont
I dont say it anymore
Because that's no longer my place
I've taken it out of your veins
And hidden those words within my own
So you won't be able to find it there
You won't be able to sink your teeth into all of my tender places
I roll over
Sweetheart, do you know me?
You know that when the flowers bloom in the spring it means new beginnings and happiness
But lately, all I am sensing is grave danger and sadness filling up the pits of my stomach
I won't eat
I have lost my appetite, due to a boy who is filling me with this sensation of ache
I miss you
I miss you like the way my paper misses the ink on it
I miss you like the way my mother misses alcohol
I miss you like the winter misses the sun
I. Miss. You.
And its sickening to me that you left again
You left without fighting for the parts of me you onced loved so dearly
You picked me up like a moving box and placed me outside your door
Waiting to be picked up by another delivery man
Well its raining
Its pouring
Will you let me in???
I'm cold
I can hear you sneaking her in through the back door
The delivery man is late
And I'm melting on the pavement
I don't want to die anymore
But without you, it feels like I already have...
You say
You're suicidal over things you cannot control
But darling you know that's what breaks me the most
So for once I have taken something into my own hands
Only to regret it later
And so I am sorry for not giving you my all...
I blink my eyes
And realize the darkness of the room is enveloping me in a way I never imagined possible
I ******* miss you baby
Return to these bed sheets
And cradle me with care
Just like it used to be..