Your  touch lingers

Its that feeling of bugs in your bed
An unwelcome crawling

Bugs that go where they want
Taking home in the darkest of places

Laying their eggs as reminders
Reminders of memories i don’t have


Reminders of unwelcome hands
Reminders of the pest you are

You linger like a pest
But no amount of chemicals can rid me of you

No bug treatment can erase my memory of you

its that awful feeling of waking up
blindfold off and lights that shine too bright
memories come in a flash
sickness comes in waves
closed eyes, counting breaths
bad tasting breaths
truth screams shrill and harsh
face scrunched in confusion
hands in fists fighting for memory
too awake but longing for sleep
emotions dulled, colors bright
remembering the beautiful day
longing for a memoryless night

sketch ups and coffee cups
a gentleman with craftsman's hands
a Ryan Gossling in a cheap  blazer
lofty dreams and hard labor
early mornings with coffee cups
late nights with endless sketch ups
eyes tired from late nights
a fairy tale and the knight
a nervous smile at pin up
pat on the back to cheer up
no cream but to sugars
the autumn chill creates shivers
early mornings with sunrises
just kids in architect guises
a love for paper and her
for  SIM and for him
fueled by coffee cups
and early morning sketch ups

I never understood love being a drug
but i get it, i know you are no good
that everytime i get high
I know, I know i should
say no and tell you good bye
but you mean well
my friends watch in worry
as I bleed by heart out for you
I watch and i wait
wondering if i fell for your bait
if i'm just a pretty face
I give and give and all you do is take
I won't be mad, not one who hates
so i come back, and back, and back again
to your toxic love of more than a friend

they say that alcohol releases another side of you
to say the things you wouldn't say sober
to feel more or feel nothing
to bold while faded
it's intoxicating

perhaps that's why I am drawn to you
your presence challenges me
challenges me to be bold and be me
the thrill is intoxicating
but you're gentle arms invite me
like the warm feeling the liquor gives me
but then you turn cold and sour
I'm left confused and feeling hungover

and it was just a kiss
a quick peck on the lips right?
I shouldn't be so upset
but hell, I don't now what's worse
the memories or  words
both haunted me filling my head with lies
lead to trouble with other guys

you see, I eventually found someone, someone good
I found my first real boyfriend
I told him what had happened
he said he promised he'd never do that to me
and for a time it was true, everything was fine

but then he decided to test the waters
wade into the deep end, but I couldn't swim
I lost my breath, thrashed searching for air
digging nails for a grip on reality
and we continued this dangerous dance
but I made the music stop, said no
said I've had enough
he took my naivety and fear he told me
"It's okay, I've got you"
"if we do this enough you'll get used to it"
had the audacity to say "what about my needs"


and at that point, I went numb
I know it's dumb but it's easier
it is easier to hold my tongue and face it
than it is to speak and hold my ground
just to be buried beneath it
he pushed lines, lines that were set from day one
saw them as suggestive speed limits rather than stop signs
so he slowed down, did a drive by
he drove into me and away with confidence and any remaining pride

it got to the point where makeup couldn't hide cuts
laughter couldn't hide tears
he smothered the light from me
I began to fancy the idea of cars colliding with trees
curled up, head on my knees

my saving grace was my friends
I thank them for showing me sense
and with sweating palms and teary eyes
I painfully, finally, called it quits
it had become so much more than a kiss

they will say it was "just a kiss"
I know because I said it too

I was 12, only in seventh grade
and in case you were wondering,
I wore gray jeans, a black sweater, and boots
let's be honest we all went through a goth phase or two
and he, he was dark and mysterious
the bad boy type every pre-teen girl swoons over
I was the good girl, straight A's and naive
hell, it's beginning to sound like a fairy tale
but it wasn't, see I said "no"
this would be the first of many ignored "no"s

we were waiting for the bus
no, we were not alone. not just us
and he told me "just a kiss goodbye"
I said no, "no please just go"
but instead, he cornered me
and how could I ever fight back
he was 5'10 I was barely five feet
I tried to duck away
he took his hands forced me to stay
I turned my head looking anywhere but him
he took his hand made me face him
said "but I like you" I said "please, no thank you"
he tried again, I turned and said "NO"
and there we were, just a kiss
and with that, he left a smirk across his face
I looked to my friend, he saw it all happen
didn't say a single thing
one boy yelled "****"
but no one listened

I ran to the bathroom, back to the stall
silent sobs echoing off tile walls
I rubbed my lips, scrubbed them raw
rinsed my mouth with soap and water
just to wash it away hoping that,
maybe if I scrub hard enough It didn't happen

but it did

and I reminded when I called it quits
gathered the bravery to say we are done
and he responded with "you'll pay for this ***"
the next day I was greeted with
****, *****, thirsty, ****
he told everyone I asked for it
He said I liked it rough
I retaliated but his word was worth more than mine
but tell me how can I like it rough
I didn't even know what that meant
that was just the beginning
it all started wth just a kiss

Suddenly my nails are the most interesting thing in the world
the room becomes smaller it starts to whirl
my hand's sweat, my mouth dry, feel like I'm gonna hurl
the buzz from my drink not enough to keep my calm
I curl my toes and take a breath
hope to god no one knows, that the anxiety doesn't show
I hold my breath and look around the room
feels like I'm drowning in a sea of familiar faces
My friends faces as foreign as those of strangers

There seems to be a misunderstanding.
You are under the impression,
You got away with theft possession.
However you never will

The girl that's too sweet too nice
You had her heart her trust
You played make believe, used the word us
You stole her innocence, broke her trust

You'll never get away
Because she wont ever forget
Those who see her everyday
They know you took something precious away

She will never do anything to hurt you
could never do what you put Her through
She has forgiven but will never forget
You haven't faced justice yet

Her army of friends aren't so forgiving
see how hard it is for her to keep living
You destroyed a girl so sweet so nice
Be prepared to face a storm of fire and ice

in art, there is a study of chiaroscuro
dark versus light a contrast so beautiful

you, you are what they say is dark
you are curt and hard headed
thick skinned protecting a big heart
they say i am light
optimistic and light-hearted
an open heart protecting a broken one
the light and the dark dance
a beautiful composition of chiaroscuro

Every mirror should be framed because each relection is a masterpiece

Hate is strong, scary
Its hard work to hate
Time and effort
Such a human emotion
Whats scariest is disregard
Not giving a ****
Because at least if you hate
You're thinking you care
Disregard is animalistic
Its child like
Its the monsters under your bed
The ones you hated but you now ignore

He once manipulated me
Twisted and turned me
Like an indian burn
Little did id know id take my turn
I didn't want to hurt you
But hurt is all I've known
But you hurt me too
You lied and hid
I did what he did to me to you
You say to not be mad
Not to beat myself up
But seeing you hurt makes me sad
We had a chance but we ****** it up
Because all i knew was hurt
And all you knew was lies
And even when we laid side by side
Our views were twisted

So you're with her
An its bitter sweet
I see your instagram amd tweets
And im left asking what about me?

But i see you with her
The way you look at her
You looked. At me like that once
Oh but her smile they way she smiles

You are happy
happier than i ever made you
And thats all i could ask if you
It makes me happy seeing you two

Makes it easier to get over you
Knowing your happy, i know its sappy
But i still have those moments
Where i miss you

Those moments when you know im not ok
When you hug me goodbye, i want it to last
When i leave, i miss the kiss goodbye
Honestly i miss elephants and butterflies

But you found new butterflies
Ive never seen her this happy
Make her smile, be happy
I still love you, but friends can love eachother too

I love you
I sent it to you
And i meant it
You opened it i saw the dots
The one, two, three dots
Then they disappeared
And my heart sunk
One second of oh its okay
Its all okay hes just be distracted
Two, too busy right now
Life is hard for him right now
Three, one two three what about me
The anxiety rising. Until they disappeared
My heart hit the floor
With a painful crash and guteral roar
Hours pass and finally you write back
"Sorry didn't see that"
But you did, and you didn't say it back

It's the little things
it's the way we met through a cadet
wingmen ship at its best
both awkward and just a little tipsy
talking to you was so easy
but I wasn't and you knew
you asked me to keep a bottle cap
keep it under wraps till i gave it back
i did, and that goofy smile on your face
it didn't look the slightest bit out of place
You gave me another token, a tab
But then you got tired and called a cab
I haven't had a chance to give it back
so I'm left with a bottle tab and snap chat
guess we have to hangout to give it back

I wish i could be
Maybe its because i look to long
Or maybe its my awkwardness
Or my eyes light up when youre near
But thats something i cant control
I cant control my feelings or
My awkward glances and clumsiness
Unfortunately thats a 2 for one deal
Take my time amd get my heart
Buy one get one
Except im not good at the bye part
Because i linger and all the subtlety is lost

a long time ago i wrote about the feeling of  being over you...

I am now
Or rather, I'm pretending to be
You still make my heart strings chime
but your ears are clogged with dark memories
and I understand, I do
but i need you to understand
that I will never be over you
But i need to act like real people do
so I'll fake it till i make it
and someday you will too

Today something beautiful happened
I saw myself again
I looked in the mirror and smiled
not because i did anything special
or looked exceptionally nice
I saw my wide eyes and uneven elephant ears
my crooked, uneven, stained teeth
and saw the odd beauty in it
I saw that the pain my eyes have seen glisten
I saw that shy smile turn into one of bliss
I saw me for my flaws, black heads and all
the honest beauty for what it is

you poisoned me
no, you didn't slip arsenic in my food
or spike my Shierly temple
but you left your memories
decaying memories, poisoning me
the toxins of tourniquet leaking
their erosive toxins into my mind
you may not be here
but your memories are
and so the scars
white scars on my wrists
gashes in my heart
i don't know where to start
because your torment has no end
i hope that it might somewhere around the river bend
but the only river i see is from my eyes
part of the watershed of regret
to the ocean of mistakes
i seem to be drowning in
your memory is suffocating
filling my lungs with dispair
Im gasping for air,
but my willingness to swim in fading
so i'm sinking and letting the memories flood my brain
wondering if im going insane
or if its just a side effect
of the poison you called affection
a medication that apparently turned "no" into "yes"
and hiking up my dress...
and the poision, you,
your memories eve the happy ones hurt
the happy disguise of a smile
that would ultimately lead to teary eyes
and trouble with other guys
all because you poisoned me
and its effects are lingering
its not just a one and done
its an std of  the mind
it stays around even after your gone
so check yourself and your actions
dont dare poison someone else
do not add to the watershed of regrets
i want clean water
to wash away my infected mind
but no amount of soap
or blades or nails
could possibly wash away  your posion
because now its part of me
congratulations,
you dont no longer have to posion me'
you've turned me on myslef
like some auto immune disease
of the heart and the mind
because i will never forget when i called you mine
and i wish i could,but its branded
so i'm left stranded
in my ocean of regrets and poisoned water shed

At first it would just leak
Leak painful memories of you
You holding me, containing me

The leaks i could deal with
Each time patching up the hole
Tripple checking the lock

But i slipped up
Someone broke in and broke the lock
The gates are flooding

My eyes flood with tears
A tsunami of pain over the years
A deafening ringing in my ears

I try to clot the bleeding
But it never stops
And i pick at the scabs

I try to stop the flood
But it slips through my fingers
The pain linger

I want you to know
The confident girl you see
Is a sculpture of shards,
Shards of glass and broken hearts
Held together by plaster
From the smile plastered on her face

Glass shards from the first time
The first time when nails werent enough
Glass from when the broken frame
Falling fron the dented wall


Shards of her once perfect life
Ran over by the swirving car
The night she saw....
The night she decided she had to stand tall
But even skyscrapers fall

A heart broken by ***** lips
And pounding hips
Lips that forced and lied
Tongues that whispered promises
But just lead to teary eyes
A heart broken from believing
Just to be left behind

This empty sculpture is filling
Recognizing its worth,
Recognizing theres stregnth in parts
She learning how to give you her heart

Her heart is broken, But forgiving
So she keeps on giving
Fi.ds the stregnth to keep living
Shes has given you her heart
Love her, love her smart

Have you ever Heard a silence
so deafening It screams

How about a room so empty
Your crowded thoughts consume you

A love so strong
You wonder if its even true

A man so perfect
You can't believe he chose you

A sky so blue
You wonder the name of the hue

A heart so pained
That its numb

A love so true
Theres no way it was meant for  you

my tiny frame has hardened
the porcelain of my skin
just a pretty shell around steel
burning steel, red hot
hot with fire and flames
flames concealed with baby face and blue eyes
there is a strength behind my pretty face
a strength derived by not being strong
no longer a pretty sunshine song
but a heavy beat that resembles rock
no more beautiful marble pristine
but red hot coals that fuel the heat

Her grip still holds you
hindering you from going
his hands still linger
keeping me from feeling

she controlled you
your words, your friends, your action
he lead me
lead me to believe what i didn't

she infected you
and the infection has spread
he hurt me
and the bruises aren't healing

she,he
she poisoned your mind
he's venom in my veins
they played us like pieces in their games

There's something here
I'm sorry you're to blind to see it
but how, how can you not see
that you meant, you mean everything to me

There was always something here
from giggles over the years
and awkward silences that screamed
Oh how i wish i could tell you

There finally was, we were
we were the teenage romance
a story of struggle, laughter, and adventure
a story john green would be proud of

but then, you closed the book
distracted by new places, new adventures
but here i am, book open
ready to write new chapters

The taste of you lingers
Not like him not like
Strawberries, sweet strawberries
But like bad yogurt

You were supposed to be good for me
But you, you were artificially sweetened
With broken promises and false labels
A flaming feminist, who burned like acid

You were supposed to be good for me
But your sweetness turned sour
Butterflies turned to nausea
A sour aftertaste no amount of strawberries could erase

I wish the sour taste would go
That it would leave me alone
So i could enjoy the strawberries
I longed so much to taste but,

Your taste lingers
Even after months of strawberries
And weeks of salt
Your sour taste lingers

Come one and all
As long as your thin and tall
Or curvy with rhythm
And be okay to with him
Come free come free
Unless your a man,
that's 5 dollars for me
Come see the spectacle
A morally recompehensible, spectacle
Of drinks getting used
To get girls abused
An ochestra of ignored nos
And phrase just go, and stops

Lights jumping acrossed basement walls
Music playing to loud
And people standing far too close
Kisses exchanged in the heat
Of a sweaty basement
A sticky floor, covered in glitter and alchol
Girls bending over
Guys eyes full of hunger
Hips sway to the beat,
getting nasty with the heat

The next exercise of the day will be......

A mind game, is what they should say
A game where you push
And push, push ups and push yourself

A game where mind over matter
Is no longer a saying, its prayer

A game where in your mind, you remind
Yourself its all for the greater good

A game where "i wish i could"
Becomes i can and will

A game where pain is welcome in your legs
Because you love it there, you put it there

A game where you push so hard
Your vision is blurry and so are your limits

The next exercise of the day will be
Pushing the limit

I was told
110 percent is just effort and excuses
I didnt understand but i know now
Love is 110 percent
You can give everything annd anything
Do everything you can
But the results still fade
They fade, they fade
Just as fast as only giving 10 percent
But you're left with an aching heart

Some things,
Are so engraved in you
You carve them into your skin

We were always the elephant
The elephant in the room
Of are they dating
And one day the peices
They Fell into place
And the butterflies swarmed
My heart skipped a beat
And my stomacj fluttered
Because the elephant was beautiful
And now instead of beimg ignored
We bask in its odd beauty
As butterflies swarm about us
And we arw filled with
Elephants and butterflies

Something about you always had me
Looking longingly for your eyes
For your touch, your smile
Your heart, your laugh

Even when we were in tears
Friend zoned but sheilds down
As our hearts poured out
Below the stage and on

The year never talked
I never forgot, i always watched
Everydance seeing you and her
But not your smile, not the one i knew

Suddenly everything changed
You sat 10 feet away i know
Because i counted the steps everyday
And eventually i didnt have to

On a bumpy buss
More than our butts were shaken
But our hearts too, the realization
Thay i belong With you

The month of hell
I knew what to do, but couldbt bear it
Heart torn in two
giving the bigger half to you

The best decision,
Crying in my car but knowing its okay
As you stood from far away
I could see the worry in your eyes

The last month of school
Kept low, to be kind
But everyobe knew
But i was happy, cause i was with you

And now, now, i know
That all of it was worth it
I can wake to your green eyes
And your smile, and whisper "i love you"

You say im strong
But i dont see it

I dont see, the resilience you see in me
I dont look at my facing of adversity
As stregnth but as necessity

I dont see my lack of tears
Over years of thing gone astray
As a stregnth but as weakness
That i didnt show them less

You see the tears and call them honesty
I call them guilt, that you see me like this
That i am not as strong as i should be

This is not stregnth
But a showcase of my emotional stupidity
And my refusal feel until its to much
Its not stregnth that i hold back tears
Its a weakness that
i have come to beleieve Is a necesity

In a instant it tumbles
Everythibg ive worked
Scattered on the floor
In a million peices
That seem irratreivable
My education, my sanity
My self esteem
Beleif i could be something
But somehow
Your warm embrace
Gathers the shards
So sharp and cold
And welds them together
To remind me
The tears on my face
Have a rightful place
Anf that its okay
To not be play

It was always so obvious
That our act Was never an act
But the materialization of desire

Everyone knew, but we were blind
Too scared we would mess up
Too scared the other was out of reach
Too scared of denial

When in reality the other was feeling it too
The urge to say i love you and mean it
The urge to grab the other at lowest point
pull them up to be the skyscraper they are
The way we always saw eachother

We always yearned to hold one another
Empty space between our arms
Filled with people of lesser affection
Until we could no longer deny the truth
The urge to hold hands and say i love you
Too strong to fight. false affecions
started to smothered our light

So we let go of what we thought we knew
And reached for the unknown
An unknown Truth of i love you

Innocence, the idea
Of a pure white cloth
Radiating in all its purity
But mine is stained
With the most gruesome tie dye

Black edged holes
That burn against stark white
Like emptiness in my soul

Red and pink stains
From the lust and desire
That burns like a sinful fire

Green smudges
Of greed so vast
Abd envy so deep
it consumes me

Brown spots
Not to be glorified by poetry
Just to be called the **** in life

Purple and blue
Not for the sadness
But for the cuts and bruises
The ones unto others and to myself

My flag does not wave
In glorious white
Its purity is stained
With the dye of life

I look at my phone
Waiting for your text
Holding your sweatshirt.
Hoping that when i open my eyes
Your lingering smell woukd have materilized into you
And your electrobic words
Transformed into hushed whispers
And i open my eyes
And you're not here
And it's silence
All im left with is missing you

Ive never been a rule breaker
Ive been a good girl
But i learned from pop music
That good girls are bad girls
that havnt been caught
And its true
I was tangled in your arms
Caught in your embrace
In the early hours
When most slept we laughed
At the rude games we play
Teasing but to awkward not to laugh
Scrawny teenage bodies intertwined
I was caught ib the night
Caught in the moment
Caught in your arms calling you mine

I feel fragile
Like a hollow glass sculpture
A murky glass
That resembles the person i was
I can feel the fractures
From the intense change
From eccstasy to fear
Excitement to disinterest
Mountains to valleys
Glass cracks in change
I guess im starting to
But if i do, nothing will spill
The hollow of this sculpture
Is just that, empty
An empty, hollow, sculpture
of  who i used to be

i know i am a clumsy girl
but every time i see you i fall 10 times harder
I trip over my words
and fall on my face
the formation of coherent sentences is nearly impossible
but i don't mind falling
as long as i'm falling for you

you always come back
but the timings never right
but maybe this time it is
but i'm torn
between certainty and spontaneity
my mind says don't hurt him
my mind says stop
my mind makes me feel guilty
but my hearts torn in two
because i care for him so much
but im sure its always been you
for four years i looked longing at the unattainable
and now that you are attainable i don't know what to do
I always said what if
but never thought it through

i never realized how much i was missing
with a group of friends not quite complete
but now that girl has finally set you free
and you can back to us
our band of amigos is finally complete
we laugh more than ever
leave lunch with tears in our eyes
and our stomachs ache
not because we are sad but because we can't stop laughing

I am not lazy I'm just sick
but not with the typical case of senioritis
but with the one where your breathing actually sounds like an old man
and old man that smokes five packs a day
the one where your hunched over in sheetz
coughing like you should be in the hospital
it could be my body trying to get rid of the mucus that's plagueing me
but maybe it's other toxins
maybe it people and habits
my body forcefully pushing them away
because I finally got the wisdom to say I'm done

my family always said you were bad news
I never believed them
I always stood up for you
even when you stood me up

I'd say your going through rough times
but we all knew it was an excuse
cause, I was going through some **** too
but I was always there for you

you were only there when you had an audience
or when I finally got to the fence
of I'm done with your *******
that's when I would take the hardest hit;
when i thought you were you again
but realized the girl I once new is irretrievable

So I'm done
I'm done with your games
being an extra in your show
a side character when the plot gets boring
I'm done being an understudy of a friend
I'm done withe this show
so close the curtain
this time i'm certain
I've torn of the script
I've got rid of all the ties
I'm done I'm sick and tired of your ******* and lies
goodbye

there's a hunger in her eyes
for power, we called it ambition
she was going to do great things
she once did, we once all loved her
once upon a time she was friendly
but fairy tales don't exist, she told me that
she lead us, defended us
the power got her head
now she has horns and a hot head
her loyal follower, friends
want to see her reign end
her fairy tale land is about to fall
a rebellion is coming,
of people asking what happened to our leader?
perhaps she ate a rotten apple
perhaps she was never the fairest, the nicest, of us all

One day your "friends" will leave
and you'll come crawling back
to us,your friends you once had
But you see,
we are no longer friends
we will not take you back
and you can plead and say please
all you want, but it won't change.
because you treated us like ****
and we don't treat friends that way

no matter what i do, what i say
it's, it's never quite enough.
I stood up for you, made my self look stupid defending you
I tried helping you, I got you help
rubbed your back when you were upset
made you laugh when you were *******
reminded you of the light at the end of the tunnel
were there for you when you needed a friend
kept you from losing another friend
and all i get is sass, attitude, a look that could ****
you talk to someone for a week
and she is queen of the hill

She had 250 friends on Facebook
200 followers on twitter
150 on instagram
snap chatted her 50 best friends on the daily
Professed her love to the media
through emojis, snaps, and selfies
the media loved her back
with re-tweets, likes, and pokes
but none of the emojis or snaps in the world
could give what  she wanted most
no matter how many emojis or words of love are sent
one cannot profess true love
through the internet