These are the moments that matter

the spark of friction
when our hands squeeze
together

the tender press of your lips
against mine

the gentle breath on my neck
that is a love song, whispered

these are the moments I’ll remember
when you’re gone

when you are calling me all the names
under the sun

fighting like a flock of birds over breadcrumbs

pacing like a  hungry lion with a deer between its teeth,
blood running down it’s mouth
contorted in an insane grin

I will not remember that

I will remember this

It was the lifeline
you offered,
that the idiot
in me cling to,
despite myself,

like a drowning
man clings
to a rope,

thrown out
in the hope
of saving
a life,

only the lips
of my heart
closed around
it like a mouth,

shoved it down
deep, like a shot
of whiskey downed
at midnight,

your alcohol
stained breathe
soft against my
neck,

but I am not
drowning, no,
I am treading
water, always,

I will be treading
water until another
comes along,

with harsh hands
and cruel words,

you see the ribs
around my heart
were built to shatter,

and you are too
kind to break
my bones

The cliffs we are standing on
are so high we can’t see over
the edge

but we know the drop

it has lingered like smoke
in our dreams for weeks
has curled like a vine
around our hearts

we have fantasised about it

wrote three chord songs
with bad lyrics
about the plummet

now we stand beneath
a carpet of stars
jagged rock beneath our feet

is it still our fantasy to fly?

or are we just two people
whose love became so toxic
that death seemed like the only
way to cleanse, to detox,
to start a new chapter

when you are two inches from death
your life flashes before your eyes
and neither of us saw beauty
or brilliance

especially together
especially together
especially together

I am just
trying to
find my
way home

when all the
breadcrumbs
have been
eaten

by crows

I hear voices -
that is to say a voice
that is not by own,
but a strangers

(no longer a stranger, now,
a friend, an enemy, a curse)

he licks my brain
with his wet tongue
whispering morbid
fantasies of death
and destruction

he is a wolf
to which I am
his meat - he plays
with me - toys with
me

drags me across
the floor, my blood
trailing behind,

I wake up to his
howls, peaking through
my window at the moon,

(I know moonlight well, these days)

I don't sleep that much,
his voice eating away
at my flesh, my bones
left brittles and shaking
in their shell,

I do as he commands,
eat the red fruit, don't step
on the cracks. Don't trust them!
THEY ARE SPIES!!!

he takes me whole into
his mouth, twisting me
around his tongue like
half forgotten words,

savouring his demands
for blood, that I have obliged
with the flick of a knife,

then, at last, devours me

we clung
to each other
like ivy
climbing a brick wall

our hearts were as strong
as those foundations

our outside changing with the seasons
but inside -

a fire had been lit
that no winter could
extinguish

I pretended to be somebody else
it was easier that way
acting a part in a different play

I became addicted to the roar
of the audience
the standing ovations
for a character I merely inhabited

then I met you
and suddenly I became
real

the pores of my skin
uncovered
the awkwardness
of my personality
became a quirk
not a shame
to shy away from

and I started to live
a different act
the act of us

I ask the moon to light up
your footprints

as if I could follow the trail home
with moonbeam shining on my face

but that great, silver sphere
holds no clues

and stardust can only sustain me
for so long

I eat scraps of midnight
but my hunger for you

burns more fiercely
than the oncoming sun

Ants
crawl over my skin
at night

biting into my flesh
******* blood until I am lying

pale and motionless
too weak to reach out a hand

yet, who would help me?

no one came, then
why would they now

they would rather see me smothered
by invisible hands
thighs left bruised by invisible fingers

too ashamed to speak it’s name
too ashamed to look

all you have the guts to do is
turn your face away
and pray

“Please, next time God, not me…”

Like the moon and stars

we belong to the night

we do not quiver
when darkness falls

for our hearts and eyes

belong to the midnight sky

I have known
ravenous hunger
that bread does not satisfy
and thirst that water
does not quench

there is only you
waiting with your mouth
opening like a spring flower
about to blossom

the yellow stem of you
pushing dirt back into
the ground where your
brown roots have taken
hold and tied their knots

so that you may always
be tethered, like ropes wrapped
around the wrists of a black
slave child

you seek escape but it
is not within my power
to grant such a thing

there is only me
mouth dry, belly empty
and raw

we walk with our past
forever beneath our feet

threatening to erupt like a volcano
or spring back into life, like a vine

it is the stepping stones
that guide us
and the gravity the grounds us

as we walk,
our past and our future, collide

we see the whole of the journey
from birth the death
confronted with every detail of our existence

and still, we walk

we walk

Come down,
from the dizzying heights
of passion

and tell me that
you love me in
the ordinary

the day to day dust
the rising of the sun
without the promise of a
breathtaking sunset

I love you
in the every day
my morning coffee
my midnight wine

please tell me that
you feel the same
because passion cannot
sustain my heart
forever

My battle scars
are words

once whispered into
an idle ear

a poor piece of
history

left scattered at
the entrance of

love

The days blend together
in the way that coffee
blends with milk, and tea
with sugar

licking the spoon
clean, white spots
that blister
in your mouth

books stand around
like lay figures

two weeks overdue
and full of dead
things, creatures
that have nestled
between the leaves

insects
that have bitten
the dust

the pages are stiff
to turn, starched
spines that creak
beneath fingers

the days blend together
and I sit, drinking tea
between the cracks
and falling into words
I'll never read

(I)

They called us
unremarkable

but I knew you would always
find me

a voice that pushed
through the darkness

with a thunderous roar
if I needed it

or in a whisper lighter
than air

(II)

They said that the sharing of graves
was archaic

like a hand still clasping  
a pocket watch

but we had our names down
for a plot

regardless

(III)

We'd been writing epitaphs with pencils
until they let us use pens

on plastic chairs that creaked
with the slightest touch

hands hidden inside black sweaters
legs like shaking magnets

desperately defying

science

(IV)

In this child's theater
we sat watching

attendance assemblies
and merits

being handed out by shapes
we'll forget when we're

twenty

(V)

Now we're older we get Shakespeare
and musicals

the noise is louder now
and easier to crawl under

we pretend to understand
the complexities of the words

to take meaning from
soliloquies  

that feelings are more
than just a hand on a heart

(VI)

Instead we rise
from our seats

red plush velvet that
smells of forgotten stories

believing more than ever
in that childish love

from years ago

My heart opened for you
like a blood red tulip,
it’s restless beats settled
at the sound of your voice,
the way you pronounced my name
as if in a language only known to us,
our fingers wrapped together like vines,
the dark green ties that bind us forever,

But tulips live a short life
their petals wither and die,
I can only hope that in the dust
of my dead flower heart,
there will be the ashes of you

the worst
is whirling round
my mind
I hardly dare
take a breath
in case it is
my last
my heart is
beating out of
time
my pulse quickens
with every blackened
thought
what am I now
but a bag of nerves
fraught and fragile
as crystal
I have written
my life to a
stop

She comes
into my room
like fire

a flame
thrown
into the
path of
a nightmare

like the
sun reflected
in the eyes
of water

shaking
walls

black sheets
burning

the smell
of stray
hairs that
have abanded
me

during the
night

I am something of a stalagmite these days
ice has grown from where the water
has seeped through the cracks
of the cave of my bones,
growing ever more solid
with the advance of winter

I am forever treading on the footprints
I have left, on the paths
I have already walked,

leaving breadcrumbs behind me,
as I navigate the impossible forest
of life,

at dusk, my shoes shine like diamonds,
as they retrace every step
that leads me home, and back

to you

At five, we dragged
sticks along railings
and walls

holding hands
carelessly, obliviously,
without knowing we
were linking our
hearts forever

then we were ten,
twenty, forty...

the years doubled
then doubled
again

we're eighty

milk white hands
like chalk

ice palm meeting
ice palm

yet still
we smile,
faces cracked
and

careless

I do not blame you
for leaving me

my wild heart
that aches in ways
another injured
heart cannot hope
to mend

instead I will remember
the late night kisses
on my forehead
when your lips gently
grazed my pale skin

I will not forget the
loving whispers or
tender touches

I think of you fondly
as the sun goes down

it may set on the love we had
but, my darling, it does not set
on love

You asked me how many moons
were in the sky

and I said, only

one that pulls fine chords from
our hearts and spins

one that clenches like a fist
at the beating in our chests

one that's surface is covered
with every kiss we've ever had

only one, because there is
only us, alone in the universe

in it's vast, grey, enormity

our bodies woven so tightly together
wrapped around each planet

our love burning up every sun
into a supernova

we are alone
we are vast
and our love is
infinite

curled around the coldest nights -

with cigarettes and cheap whiskey
to offset the dreams that scream
until my ears bleed

my only regret is not gazing

longer

into the perilous ocean of your eyes,

if you dared let me in,

I could have been,
should have been,
would have been,

whole with you

Our love is fierce
and fearless

it blazes like the sun
and shimmers like the stars

our hearts are volcanoes
on the verge of erupting

lava that will spread
and cover the Earth

in our red hot
affection

I used to think
angels were
a symbol
of protection

of hope
and light
and peace

but I have seen
angels with teeth
bared like
wolves

hungry for blood
(my blood)
and willing to rip
flesh from
bone

in their desperate
primal urge

I have seen angels
walk me into
a busy road
of traffic

and have me
lay on the
concrete

I have seen angels
pour “just one
more”

drink down
my throat

no, angels
do not
protect you

when they are
the manifestation
of your
nightmares

I am infinite as the universe,

I am marked by fire, stars
burning on my body, their
light bouncing off me as the
foam rises off the surface of
the waves that sweep across
the ocean

I have broken up with God,
skyless and without faith
tying me, rooted to the
spot with shame

I have shattered the bars
of pain, the cage that surrounded
my heart, bust open

I am blooming as the tulips
bloom in April, blossoming
from green stems into a
carpet or purple and red

cageless, Godless, shackles loose

I am infinite

as a chil of the universe
I should know better
than to let my heart be swallowed
by the black hole that is you

How fast does the sun set
when no one is watching?

burnt orange skies that sink
like pebbles in a gently ebbing river

if no one bares witness
to the miracle of day’s end

does it happen?

or is all illusion and pink lies
told by the sunrise

I was a fool for thinking
I could keep you unharmed

as if I had the power to heal
wounds of the heart -

etched as deeply as
names on a grave

pretending I could erase sorrow
as if I were the tide upon the sand

I was too proud to admit to you
that to love me was no different
than loving any other girl

I come with my own hazard warning

nights where you’ll wake up in
a cold sweat,
lying next to the nightmare you just had

but if you’re ready
I will hold you hand, earnestly
and help you navigate the
messed up map of me

this ****** up map of love

If you understand the beauty
of a sunset, then please tell me
how it works
for the flaming oranges and reds
just remind me of the fire I’ve been
running from my whole life

the flames constantly licking my heels
as I try to propel myself
further
faster

I know it will catch me up
one day, and engulf me
in the past I’ve spent
every ounce of energy I have
trying to forget
I know it will burn me
mark me, scar me

but I hope I will douse
the fire down, and walk
free once the pain passes
and maybe then, we can
share the beauty of
a sunset

We smoke cigarettes together
on cold beaches

smoke curling around our fingers
and hovering for a second
like a peace offering

the ocean is gigantic
and we cannot begin to
understand it
like we cannot begin
to understand our hearts

but they both beat
to the rhythm of
an almightier drum
and we will learn
what it means, in time, dear
we will learn

I am
sleeping in the
graveyard
where I buried
you

living in a
body without
a heart that’s
whole

breathing with lungs
coated in the tar from
your cigarettes

a constant memory
of you, taking me back
with every exhale

I said goodbye
yet still, you live
inside of me

in every *****
and drop of
blood

on every inch
of skin, each
hair

your grave
swarms as your
bones reform

and I cannot
rest in
peace

The cavities of my heart

fill

at the touch of your mercury fingers

years of decay are repaired

by the amalgamation
of sweet whispers and fierce flesh

strokes

writing your name on my back

claiming me as your

protected

There is air to breathe, now
with daylight
creeping through
yellowed glass

The ocean roars around us

and in it I hear the call of the deity
who sent you to me

begging me to trust you beyond
trust’s breaking point

emplourinig me to take your hand in mine
and twist our fingers into patters
to shadow against the midnight sky

and I will, I will, hold on

let the waves crash at our bare feet
and walk away from this beach,
entwined in your spine

believing
believing
believing

in the Goddess of you

I drunk love you,

when my eyes are blurred by beer
and your face is out of focus,

I drunk love you,

with the burning urge to bare my soul
to you at 1am, by text,

I drunk love you because
it’s numb love,

I can say what I want to you,
and not remember it in the morning,

take your mouth into mine
whilst waiting for a cab

and forget the taste of your lips
as soon as it drives away,

I drunk love you,

because the steel bars surrounding
my heart keep you out

the ones that soften and give way
when faced with sober love

I
Did
Not
Know
That
Death
Was
It’s
To
Keep

we thought our love was bullet proof

like the glass of the prisons
we have put ourselves in

uncaged- we roam
the streets of passion and consequence

darting between fear and love
so easily, as if it were our natural state

our natural form, now alien
to our bitter bones

we carve our niche
sit on the anchor of our own
intolerance to change

we are not bullet proof
we are a paper house

caught in the chaos of the
earthquake

My broken heart is still
teaching me to love

from the little buds of
first meetings

to the blooms
of full blown passions

when our arteries
entwine, blood
mixed and wounded

hearts beating as one

We dive
headfirst

into the abyss
of each other’s

hearts

hoping to find a spark
that life can grow from

hoping the find fractures
of love

that we can build a home
from

but all is darkness and doubt
neither trusting the other as friend

they would rather implode
into nothingness

than take the leap of love’s
faith

At some point,
I think everyone
dreams of fire

to burn bridges
down, tumbling
rubble, metal
melting back into
lava

you could start again,
then, It would be
easy enough

I’m not saying
that I like to
watch the skins
of structures peel

but who doesn't
look at a burning
building and feel
something more
than fear

something more
than loss

something more like
hope

and excitement

a racing heart
that soars above
the sirens

and sends
voices, through
pulses, into your
ear

you could run into
that, you know

you could pull
someone out

save something

you could make it
beautiful

The play of my life
has no intermission
no break in the drama
no pause to catch my breath

On and on and on
the show loops
in my head
nightmares return
night after night

The scenery doesn’t change
the walls of the set, closing in on me
everything I touch is just a prop
fake cigarettes and alcohol free beer

I wait for my death scene
my heart racing with anticipation
for my exit, stage left
but I weep in the knowledge
that my final breath will be just an act

and there is no escaping this plot

We sit
fingers wrapped tightly
around each other
as the sky falls in
around us

but it’s okay
because we hold stars
in the palm of our hands

and taste moon dust
on our tongues

who needs the sky
when we are complete
in a midnight moment

glass clouds gather

and I can see straight through

the sky

straight to the core of

the sun

straight to the centre

of you

Damaged girl, they say,
so damaged girl, I act,

don’t touch me,
for my fingers are fire,
and I will not hesitate to burn you to the ground,

don’t love me,
for my heart is a serpent that will
land a poisonous bite in your neck,
and I will not flinch, but look on,

damaged girl,
damaged goods,
unworthy of touch,
unworthy of love,

but do not mistake my tone for self pity,

for I am happy
burning my way through men,
as they have burnt their way through me

revenge is a flame on the flesh of one
who reminds you of your enemy

and a snake bite, in the neck of your abuser

black mist falls
like night
and it is always night

(here)

where the shadows dance
and ghosts play poker
with my heart

I am not in control
of my mind

(you see)

I am its player
acting out a scene of smiles
when all is sorrow

(inside)

I love that first
tantalising taste of coffee
in the morning,
deep and dark as the ocean,
and sweet as honey,

I love that first cigarette,
it’s warming amber glow
and glittering embers,

I love the silence at 4am,
the still quiet with only
the stars and the moon
for company,

I have to remember that I still love,
when my heart is so often full of hate

I have come this far,
across the hills of my hometown.
I took my boots off thirty miles ago
and have been roaming barefoot
like a feral thing.
In the distance I saw you, sitting on the porch,
as I grew closer I saw you were smoking
French cigarettes and listening to Cohen.
You stood up to meet me and
before you could speak,
before you could kiss me...

I have never had much luck with men
no, I do not **** the way they like it
my hair is ***** blonde, almost brown
my stomach is round

I do not want your love out of pity, or curiosity
but I love you enough to stop wandering
to wave away the mountains
to drain out the oceans

I will mould myself into the shape of you
so that when we're apart there is an
impression of the other on our flesh

I'll learn to ****, learn to love to ****
bruised memories will heal when your
sweat drenched hand slides down my glistening back

I will love you to your burnt orange core