Why am I running away?

you voice is soft
in my ear
each morning

whispers of love
and forever
and ever

you have never
shouted or made
me feel scared

Why am I running away?

your touch is gentle
as you caress
my back

each finger
drawing out
a heart

on my back
calming me
as your own

and I accepted
their imprints
as if they were
the fingerprints
of God

Why am I running away?

your eyes are darker
than midnight
and just as
mysterious

I lose myself
in them, each
night

searching for
answers,
answers
like

Why am I running away?

bloodsucker
night terror
ghosts that haunt the sheets
I sleep under

black heart
bleeding ink
desperate to write, but the words
won’t cut loose from my throat

black cloud
black dog
biting
teeth bared, ready to taste blood

I sink deeper into misery
looking for a hand
to pull me out of this ocean
of despair

I love that first
tantalising taste of coffee
in the morning,
deep and dark as the ocean,
and sweet as honey,

I love that first cigarette,
it’s warming amber glow
and glittering embers,

I love the silence at 4am,
the still quiet with only
the stars and the moon
for company,

I have to remember that I still love,
when my heart is so often full of hate

You watched me force my way through the ashes
and rebuild myself from the debris

you said that you'd always believed in me
and I felt it

said that you'd always waited for this
and I could taste it

but when our hand clasp,
I panic, imagining them turning into dust

when we kiss deeply
I wonder if I am consumed by fire, inside
something so imbedded, so fundamental to my new state of being
that I can't control it

I imagine my tongue turning to flames
inside your mouth

I am scared of combusting at the slightest trust

I feel hazardous

Yes, a Phoenix may rise
ready to live their life over,

and it may be beautiful

but there fire inside them, still
and people will get burnt

Let me see with eyes that have
never seen the stars in the sky

show me a map of the constellations
so that I may know the beauty I am missing

and weep

I long to feel the craters of the moon
in exchange for never seeing its phases

why can’t I touch the sky!?
my fingers are itching with anticipation
a shard of my heart has been torn out
my eyes grow heavy and close

as I realise that this world
is not meant for me to see

Our fingers searched

Like foxes rummaging through

Bags of trash

A cigarette packet

An empty Jack

bottle

I think we kissed in the dark

Before tonight

Suffering is an art form

Like everything I have ever done
I have mastered it

The slow murmur of movement
Dogged by depression

The hummingbird’s frantic song
Of anxiety

The drifting of days marked only
By the ticking of a broken watch

I am war
And famine
And disease

For as long as I have breathed air
It has been poisonous

A toxic oxygen

I have learnt the art of dying
Without death

The finality of it never quite succeeding
The motion of my desire for it

I want to purge my body of the filth
That has been inflicted on it

Trauma that seems impossible to carry
On my shoulders

I am a tree grown from a bitter root
Planted into the ground as an afterthought

My braches twisted, leaves that will never know
The brilliant colours of autumn

But I stand, still
Weathered and beaten and broken

Still, I stand

Twig by twig
we built our home
like birds

in the winter
we froze
together in a
raindrop

our faces
suspended forever
inside a tear

branches sway
in the breeze and
we fight

to remain

here

in the air

where we can
refrigerate
our hearts

pretending not to
feel the wind
ripping our skin
apart

and the rot
that grows
in the cracks

There’s no crueller word
than goodbye

Until it’s accompanied
by the whys

You unpicked my heart
like you picked your guitar

each string of my lifeblood
wound around your fingers

each beat of my dreams
pulsing against your palm

each dizzying rush of blood
to my head, the drug that fed me  

until I didn’t know who I was
anymore,

without you

I do not know how to
deny you anything

except my heart

I keep it locked inside my chest
like treasure

wrapped tight in veins
and arteritis

caged by bones
as strong as steel

it will take a braver man than you
to smash through

the layers of my chest
and break it

I
Did
Not
Know
That
Death
Was
It’s
To
Keep

We picked feathers
off the ground and
saved them, hoping we
would eventually collect
enough to fly

when the frost came
and covered the streets in
white dew, we wound count
out how many we had

but it was as if we were
always in debt to the birds
who’d lost them, plucking out
the one thing that gave them
a freedom that we would
never know

I do not ask you to stay
with my eyes
with tears and looks of desperation

I do not as you to stay
with my hands
fingers clinging to you, half possessed

I don’t even ask you to stay
with my heart
hoping beyond hope that the beat
of my pulse will guide you home

No.

I ask you to stay with the stars
to look at our names, that have long burnt
in the midnight sky

they burn inside me now
I am consumed by the blaze
and I know that you are feeling
as cold as the moon towards me
but a little ice would put the fire out

and maybe there is hope
when fire and ice collide

black mist falls
like night
and it is always night

(here)

where the shadows dance
and ghosts play poker
with my heart

I am not in control
of my mind

(you see)

I am its player
acting out a scene of smiles
when all is sorrow

(inside)

I miss you in my heart
even if my mind is screaming at me
to run from the fire before
I go up in flames

a candle reflected
in the mirror

echoes of spells
and rituals

conjuring love

overpowering each one
of my senses

the brightest light
glimmering in
my eyes

the softest touch
waking up
my skin

the rustle of tarot
cards being shuffled

a whispered promise

I can almost taste you

Stars know the secrets that I bury
in daylight

seeping through their cages at
midnight

they’re stardust now
scattered across the night sky

all the words I swallowed down so deep
afraid to ever give them a voice

and I finally see that they are not dark
and shameful

but beautiful

so thank you, stars
for taking the darkest parts of my soul
and giving them light
giving them a space in the infinite sky

for allowing me to see that I need not hold words in my throat till they burn

they can burn bright in the sky
instead

feelings are in flux,
the constant motion
of a wheel turning
in my mind

I do not know
when I wake
what number
the hand on
this endless clock
will be pointing to

I feel like a ghost
walking the Earth,
as if I woke up
one day and left
my body behind me

am I really alive?
was I ever really alive?

The sun has set
and left me here

bones stretching out
towards the heart
of the heat

as my spine cracks
across the sand

I press my lips
together and
taste

the salt on
the air

the black mist on
the sea

the promise on the
wind that reassured me

that you’d come back
to me

I have been waiting for my demons to
mould themselves around your heart

to sink their teeth into your soul

so that you may bliss me with the kind of absolution I have been craving

since before I was old enough to drink

but I have learnt that shedding my scarred skin
so that it may become your

skin

is not only selfish of me
but will also strip me to the bare bones

shaking spine and clavicle

so that there will ultimately be nothing left of me
to see

I imagined we’d grow gray together
and take winter sun holidays
somewhere we could warm our bones

cut out coupons from newspapers
stacking up in a jam jar
next to the fruit bowl

you’d rent guidebooks out of the library
and I’d take evening classes
so that I could understand
black tied waiters

you’d find it cute and impressive
and you would hold my hand tightly
during take off

the plan was that we’d walk around
foreign supermarkets and guess
the contents of the cans

they’d be faded beach towels
and the sticky scent of tanning lotion

our antiquated skin would burn easily
if we didn't smother it

but I’m not sure it matters
anymore, fretting over factors

we already have tumors
growing like doubts in our chests

we have nurtured them,
tended to their hungers and thirst
until we have none of
our own

I don’t want to be a lady;

I want to touch the sun
with my bare hands
and consume it’s fire

I want to shoot arrows
at injustice
like a deadly archer

I want to pick the stars
from the sky and threaten
the whole world with darkness

I’m not interested in being nice
when the world is burning
around me

A kiss that stitched my lips

A touch that burnt and bruised

A fist that shattered my faith

My hope ground to dust

I put all my trust in a

Devil

So I’ll take the life you took from

Me

On my own terms this time

How can I run from your ghost

Time blurs my memories until I don’t even know

Myself

I invite you into the room of fire and Hell

That will stay in the corner of my mind

Until the day I die

Ophelia was lucky,

I bet the lake was idyllically pretty,
peaceful, secluded,

I bet she was surrounded by flowers,
weaving themselves into her wet, tangled hair,

I bet she was dreaming as she drowned,

there would have been no one
forcing down a door

no sirens and blue flashing lights
racing her back to life

Ophelia was lucky,

fifty aspirin doesn’t have quite
the same ring to it

as a Shakespearean suicide

Bounced

a mother figure
to two, a name
on a Christmas card
to four

when I realised
I was still a
child

and bitterness
wasn't an
option

I grew up
like a broken
nose

out of joint

Bounced

at the service
there are tears
beside me

I imagine a
body burning
and feel
warm

the lick of flames
on gray skin

my indifference
grows like I
imagine the
fire roaring

behind the curtain

heating up

Bounced

the house is
empty and
smells

unusual

like something has
been left in there
too long

they are not
there now but
it lingers

I tried to take
her dresses but
she was thinner
as a girl than
I am now

jealously

is a feeling
I'm familiar with

and it's easier
to understand

Bounced

we are waiting
for a buyer

and I imagine
how it feels
to have a piece
of your heart
trapped in bricks
and mortar

Bounced

one time,
I wanted to ask her
how it felt to
take notes of
the war

if she'd ever thought
of waving a white
flag and crumbling

drowning in the
rubble rain of
The Blitz

I wanted to hear
her say something
human

so I could
visualise and
see a bit of
her in myself

Bounced

I'm still caught up
on the autopsy
like a piece of
fatty tissue on
a scalpel

and my thoughts
are metal and
cold

the number of
zeroes on a
cheque

Bounced

this heart of porcelain

vitrified by your gentle hands

I am delicate, you said

like an unplucked flower

I am just waiting to be

smashed, picked, broken

and you would stand in the smithereens

and cry

over a ruined masterpiece

but shed no tears

over the girl who sacrificed her heart

for your art

sit

as I drink red wine
from a dusted bottle

stay

as I trace our initials in the sand
with a gnarled brach of an oak tree

taste

the oysters they harvested
in this cool, winter month

(it is November,
so it is safe to eat them...)  

and take me

from the white tipped waves,
down to the black oblivion
of the ocean floor

your Egyptian sheets,
a sail for a ship
that never got to see
a new sunrise

daydreams

you woke me from

with wine soaked kisses
and sugar soft touches

fingers, painting our initials on my back

my spine a canvas for the heartsick
artist

and his muse

forsaking their hearts for an age old tale
locked together in a common fantasy

that this is what love looks like

They brought you back from the lake
draped in lilies

their scent so strong I thought I might pass out
and relish in a few brief moments of serenity

before the grief hits me like I’ve ran
into a cliff face

you no longer have to pray for
snatched moments
of peace

for you have stolen a lifetime
of tranquility
from me

I've raged war with the heavens
rattled the bars of my cage
until they came loose
fearing the judgement of a God
I no longer believe in
talking to angels no one else
can see
I am through treading on eggshells
timid and tender to the slightest touch
I will eat poisonous berries with dirt
covered hands, unafraid of the
consequences. I am a black hole
waiting to implode, and you
are no longer the centre of
my universe

you come the me now

as a butterfly

fragile winged thing

it is cruel that you die in a day

and I can’t even hold on to

your reincarnation

grief stirred endlessly

in a cycle

but I will take this daily torment

over never seeing you again

Your love ran through my veins

until they became

varicose

and now I am twisted out of

shape

and the natural art of bleeding is

all consuming

pain

If there was some amazing
force of nature
twist of fate
that could bring us back
to that night
where we held hands on an open beach
the ocean wide mouthed and hungry
devouring minutes until morning
the sand twisting like time beneath our feet
there were only secrets and whiskey
and our hands
classed so tightly
fighting off daylight

My eyes scan the empty night

stars burn my soul,
exposing the core of me

the darkness and light
that contrast in an infinite paradox,
that my mind cannot always bare

the moon picks my heart, like a flower
and treats it with a fragility it isn’t used too

my heart and soul now belong
to the endless night

and I feel a calmness I have not felt in years
knowing I am now a child of the universe

I have spent the hours of our love
listening to the waves crash against the shore
beating on my bedroom window, at night,
drinking tea from chipped cups
made with sour milk,
I longed for more,
I wanted to stretch my arms out
and devour the ocean,
let it’s power fill me with the strength
to walk away.
from only ever hearing the sound of the sea
through frosted glass,
and drinking tea that curdled in my stomach,
like my love for you has curdled,
I want the salt water of the wild ocean
to cleanse this bitter taste from my mouth,
let it consume me for it is all I want
to ride a wave away from this stagnant life

Shame twists like a serpent
in my stomach

absorbing every bit of nourishment
I try to give my body

I am left weak -
and desperate

for air

to breathe without weight on my lungs
to taste air that isn’t poisoned

but the serpent grows,
restricting every breath

until I am clinging onto life
with my fingernails
seconds away from

slipping

I live
inside these bones
a memory that rises
and grows in the vast
cavity of my chest

my heart ripped
our, now clenched
in the jaws
of a ravenous
wolf

it’s teeth tasting
blood, my blood,
as if it’s ageless
as if it has the
power to sustain
anything except

myself

It was a plague passed
through kisses, I never
thought it would ****
me, but I woke up
one day, dead limbed
and deaf to everything
except the sound
of waves crashing against
the peaks of my heart,
and I couldn't move
without you

we lay on a damp patch of grass on the hill,
as close as we can get to touching the sky

we’ve set our 90’s plastic all digital watches
and we are waiting for the

stars to open their centres and

breathe

magic into our souls

just one kiss that leaves a trace of stardust

on my lips

this is not our last chance
but the calendar is flicking fast
and one day soon
it will be

so let’s have one night of magic and madness
dancing barefoot under moonbeams

because tomorrow may come, but it won’t be sprinkled in stardust

like you and I are, tonight

I don’t care if the sky falls

I don’t care if the oceans rise

I don’t care if the fires blaze

I have woven you into
the tapestry of my heart

and nothing can unstitch that

if you forget me,

as an animal, wounded by man,
forgets its natural predator

I will not weep, for the ocean
is already swollen with jilted
lovers tears

more so plant my feet, like roots,
where I stand

grow new skin over the injury

and wave my
healed, heart, hand
at the sun

You sing songs from the dead sea,
echoes of long forgotten love
that burst like starlight,
scattered across a black sky,

I press your heart against my lips,
taste it’s bitter root of anger,
a spark of light that hit a shard
of glass, in the reckless summer heat

we are faithless, you and me,
yet still we believe in each other

You tried to clip my wings,
pin me through the spine
like a prize butterfly

but I learnt how to fly
and say goodbye

to you

windswept hair -

we drove until our eyes bled

from the hurricane of love

that came to us

when the mountains wept

and the sky glittered diamonds

on our daisy chain hearts

the stars shaking in their chambers

of midnight blue

there was us, my love

at the end of the yellow brick road

there is quivering love

a man without a gun
can still ****

with a word or without
an unsaid goodbye

to plunge a knife into a chest
pierces a heart and leaves it bleeding

a pool of crimson settling around
his feet

he will move away
when it gets too close to his toes

repulsed, not by his act
but by his lover's final offering

that means nothing to him

My hearts skips beats

aching for the days that were

carefree and frivolous

when my smile was genuine and my eyes

sparkled with life

I know there is no going back

that the journey of life does not come with

a rewind button, or even a pause

to take in the evening air

and breathe the sunset into my lungs

so that I may expel beautiful colours

come morning

I have broken the bars
and shackles of
faith

in a world
where repentance
is everywhere

and the fear
of God makes
prisoners of
us all

It stuck to us like glue

to our shoes
in our hair

we applied a chemical peel
that we hoped would

erase the taint of the past
on our skin

but the past evolved
with each step we took away from it

until it was a barred toothed wolf
with metal claws

to tear at and devour us

fight, flight, freeze

but if only there was more to life
than a ******* F word

I thought about the body I have hated all my life

I asked it “what will it take?”

Less food
More food
More puke
More pills
More miles
Less stones

It never answers, so I was surprised to hear a whisper this time...

“It will take kindness, acceptance, love...

You have to love me, darling. You have to let go.”