You’re just a body
between me and the stars

an inconvenience
of flesh

a bundle of nerves
that don’t touch me
like lightning
anymore

and I don’t even
miss you

you’re just another
hopeless dreamer

but I don’t share your dreams
now my dreams reach higher

to the stars

In a cage
sits a bird
whose wing
is broken

yet it’s heart
is whole
and it’s
song heavy

with sweet melodies
and soft tones
of longing

It is the song of freedom

that it sings despite
never knowing
and never hoping
to see

The beast within me is hungry
and thirsty for my joy

he feeds off my sadness,
it multiplies inside him

and spreads into my bloodstream

until even the water I drink
is tainted with bitter tears

sadness
sadness
multiplying

there is nothing I can eat or drink
that does not feed the beast

I have tried to drown it
and poison it

but still it survive
indestructible

the beast is feeding off me
until I am skin and bones

and I see no choice but to
learn to love this beast

and make peace with
this ravenous part of me

If you were thunder
I’d listen at my windows
as they shake

and deep down inside
I’d feel that roar
and something
would stir to its call

If you were lightning
I’d stick my chest out to the sky
hoping for you to strike my heart

that bolt reviving an *****
long dead to the world
creating live in me again

when you are a storm
my body rides it out
powerfully in tune
with its eye

Like a blade of steel
is my shame

for those words said
throat wet with whiskey

tongue dancing out
a pattern of pain

to rip into your chest

at the end of the day
it was my fault

I live with the regret
of losing you

over a careless,
drunken slip

and sometimes I feel like
that blade of shame

will pierce my heart
and **** me

and I’d deserve it

light slips through a crack
and for a moment I believe
that there is hope

until it is eclipsed by night
and I revert back to believing
in nothing

please, please take me home
swigging ***** from the bottle
on abandoned streets

grabbing me by the wrist
and flaunting my deepest
darkest secret to strangers
dressed in black

maybe I should have locked
the door, as you placed the first
touch on my frozen body

I don’t move, as you take my
innocence, inch by inch
with grotesque hands

please, please take me home
away from this house you’ve
bought me to with ulterior motives

I wake up a different girl
seeing the world through
a grey veil, all has turned to
dust and ashes and

I just want to go home

I remember late night conversations
with you;

the taste of wine rich on our tongues
gentle orange glow around our fingers from our cigarettes

I miss them more than I miss
your touch upon my skin

more than I miss your
kisses upon my lips

midnight skies the backdrop
to our putting the world to rights

I ache for those early morning hours

they’re so quiet now,
a deathly hush over what used to be
alive with fire and passion

you can keep your caresses, your kisses
just give me one more night of
splitting our hearts open

together

The whips of time are chasing me

crashing against my back
until my skin splits and bleeds

there is no escaping their advances
torturing me to walk onwards
towards the winter of my life

when I was so settled in the summer, soaking up the sunshine
and loving the feel of my hair blowing
in the warm breeze

onwards
onwards
onwards

the whips of time are beating
out their drums

a chilling song that freezes my blood

my back is pouring, now
as I walk to their beat

and I know I must accept
my own death

before they force it
on me

your feelings
are from thrift
shops and flea
markets

second hand and
well worn

frayed around
the edges

a hole in the sleeve

a hand me down
heart

how can I believe
anything you
say

as truth

when the same
words were
once kept

on a letter
close to the
chest of the

girl before

I wonder when the infection started

when did that darkness
in my heart begin to grow

like a vine, wrapping around
my arteries, until it became them

blood flow cut off,
until I couldn’t feel my fingers

was I always this cold to the touch?

freezing to the point that
I may as well have been a corpse

depression, they call it

darkness
despair
death

it pulls at my veins, like a tug of war

and it wins, every time

I slip away into dreams
of when we were together

into memories of
your touch upon my skin

scorching as starlight
and just as beautiful

doubting myself,
I walk through the roads of regret

until I reach
your outstretched hand

and know that I have found
my home

in your arms I am infinite

Come and listen to the sound
of my skin,
you will hear the regret
that lingers on it

from the brushes of his fingers
through the fine hairs on my arm,
that embarrassed me,
but he thought were delicately beautiful

you will hear the sighs
he buried in my neck,
after being up with my nightmares
for the third night in a row

he said he didn’t mind,
but those sighs... those sighs...

you will hear the sting of his goodbye
that hit me like a tidal wave,
straight in the stomach,

it stung... it stung like a fierce bee
who had nothing left to lose
by leaving its sting
in the skin of its lover,

hear my skin, hear that sting
it buzzes, hums, vibrates...
my skin is alive with venom

don’t listen for too long,
it spreads

A morning scene dissolves around me;
blue skies pierced with delicate sun rays
The taste of coffee and cigarettes
rich on my tongue
I have been up all night again drinking
and smoking until the packet is empty
I promised myself I would not
grow bitter in my sadness
But once a seed has been planted
you are not in control of how it grows

You may think I invited you in,
with my kind words
and a cheeky grin

that I accepted your drinks
and bought you ones in return

but when the alcohol wore off,
and I found myself in your house

how did I get here!?
and why can’t I leave?!

I must stay, as you press my back
into the sofa,
and I can’t breathe
unless I

swallow

when I run to the door
and fumble with the lock

as you stand behind me
and laugh, suddenly grab

me and drag me
into your bedroom

force me down on the bed,
cover my mouth as I scream

was it the grin?
asking for it!
did the grin deserve it?

my kind words were not an invitation
for you to destroy me like this

I imagine them ringing in your ears, justifying your actions

but my grin has faded
and if it ever was inviting
it’s vanished, now

We bask in winter’s glow;

watching the snow fall,
each white droplet filled
with the ability to heal

we drink hot, sweet tea
from steaming, striped mugs
each sip burning our tongue and eroding the bitter taste of last night’s arguments

Spring will come,
and the world will be reborn,
and our love reborn, too

but for now, we don’t need the sun

when the chill cleanses us of our harsh words, and the snow erodes our mistakes

When words are not enough, I cry

and in crying hope to unleash
some of the burden that nails me,
like Jesus to the cross

and set free my spirit,
divine and infinite

into the world where ghosts walk
and haunt my sleep,
but I hold hands with them, also

and we walk blindly into the moon
moon child, bright and brilliant
white light coursing through my veins

I cry, but tears are not weakness
and still I stand strong

The first pill was bitter
and stuck in my throat like lead

I had to force it down,
like swallowing sand

The second pill was sweet
and slipped down like honey

I barely noticed it,
deceptively sugar coated
and innocent

The last pill broke apart
in my mouth, powder on my tongue

I felt every milligram disintegrate
like my life

I swallowed

I swallowed

I swallowed

I have plucked the ***** roots
of my past, covered in black earth
and dead leaves

and replanted them somewhere
plentiful and green, where gentle
flowers may tentatively start
to bloom

I’m old enough to understand
why the seasons of my life must pass
the way they do,

Spring came bursting
with daffodil promise,
and the cries of lambs
signifying rebirth,

Summer was messy;
mistakes were made in love,
men that didn’t deserve
to call themselves men,
scorching black rings
around my heart,

Autumn was best;
as I shed the burnt orange leaves
of pain and left myself bare
to the elements, standing strong
and proud. Unshakable.

I approach the winter of my life
with apprehension; though I am not
afraid to die. I will enjoy the snow,
the sound as it is crushed underfoot.
I will reflect on my loves and losses,
for I have had my share of both,
and enter the last breath of my life
with no regrets

The inside of my mind
is like nails on a chalkboard

a hideous screeching sound
that I try to drown out
with whatever I can touch

my heart skips beats so frantically
it amazes me that it does not stop completely

the razor, the liquor, the pill
sing to me seductively in my sleep

there is an echo of a memory stirring
about it being time to make a choice

and this is the choice I must makelive in Hell or die in Heaven

it’s not much of a choice,
until another memory stirs

telling me I am worthy of being
on this Earth, and it is more beautiful because of my tenacity

to endure
to overcome
to survive

and that to live, is the bravest choice of all

It's that time of year again,

The air is warm,
breathing delicate
wisps of breeze
across my skin

I was cold
inside my heart,
shrank and barely
beating

My head is my own
theatre, frames flashed
and frozen, projecting
every still

I try to put the ghosts
to rest, bury them like
bones in a garden

But they wake up,
like vampires,
when the sun sets

Words catch in
my throat, lungs
take in their fill
of air, but there's
not enough oxygen

To feed my brain.

The moonlight pours down on us
like silver nectar

encasing us in a glowing
white hum of magic and mystery

the stars shine like precious gems
each one worth more
than their Earthly wealth

we are the silent lovers,
the keepers of night

and all its secrets buried
in our lips

shared only between ourselves
in a midnight kiss

I am counting down the days
until I can see you again

each square on the calendar
a gift to open, springing
longing from the present
into the future  

as we draw nearer to a time
where we can hold hands
and gaze out across the river

its shimmering blue surface
as perfect as if it were painted
and us, painted too

lovers entwined
in a sweet embrace
hands and lips
and eyes locking
tight

a blissful reunion
of the heart

If I could reach into your chest
and pull out your heart

twist blue veins around my fingers
and taste red arteries between my lips

If I could caress it gently
and coax out the words you never said

would that be love?

when your blood pours from you
and gradually makes its way
to where I stand

and I still stand, unflinching
in the crimson pool about my feet

would that be love?

Forever

I never said it, but I felt it,
with every fibre of my being,
every hair on my arm
and cell of my skin

I know you didn’t,
and that’s okay, too

we are not equals in love
nor are we meant to be

I want to make you cry, he said;

not by breaking your heart,

but by showing you the beauty
that you hold behind your eyes,

that I see every time
I look at you,

that I know you cannot see
for yourself

I am not sure who I am anymore,

they say depression
is like being at the bottom
of a black hole, unable to see the sky,

but I see the sky,

the sun burns my skin,
and the stars taunt me
with their promises of sleep
that are never meant for me;

I am sickly sad
and I’m not getting any better,

my heart is full and cracked
from the strain of carrying the scars
of a thousand wounds ,

I cannot stand with a heart
so heavy

and would you really blame me
if I made it stop?

and in a second
there was nothing

not even a star
between you and I

and standing on the precipice
of making the biggest mistake
of my life

Oh, unnecessary beauty
that twists like the waves
of a deep blue ocean,
rushing to shore
to cover a stretch of sand
with it's white foam,
only for the coast to bend
like the elbow of a lover
encasing the sleeping head
of his sweetheart,
indecent, unnecessary beauty.
It is in the fall of rain
on a hot summer's day
arrogantly waiting for the rainbow

there is something sinful
in the way I look at you
a temptation to devour
that is basic need
basic greed
I do not wish to look at you like that
but I can’t help myself
your hair that catches sunlight
in the same way a city catches the light
on a sleepy, spring morning
your eyes that to look in,
is too look into the ocean
as dark and infinite and wild
I may be sinful with
my cornered eyed glances
but I think my intentions are pure
in that I only wish to hold you
and call you home

you are the brightest shard of the light
piercing my heart with promise
my heart speaks a language
that my head cannot translate
when I am near you
I am like a child, stumbling blindly
in a world that's new and brilliant
I cannot speak of love, no
I do not think it's love
this shard of light that pierces
my heart like a poisoned arrow
wounded, I stagger
and fall into your arms
no, not love
but death
though death and love are so closely
wound, like a tight wire
people do not wish to speak
of death and love in the same breath
but I dare
I dare
like with so many things you've taught me
I dare

I pick lemons from trees
meant for g&t’s
blessed fruit
chemical release
relief from longing
and memory
a slip of something else
and I am dancing with
the demons that would
otherwise destroy me

I drink wine from the cup
that’s meant for God
and I do not feel ashamed
at the taking of something
sacred, for animalistic
need

Yours is the voice I hear
just before I fall asleep

seductive whispers
that wrap around my ear
like silk

yours is the hand I reach for
in the dead of night

when the stars abandon me
and the moon grows pales

yours are the lessons I’ve learnt
about life and love

and I try to love you

I try

but those whispers
don’t reach my soul

that hand
doesn’t reach my heart

and those lessons shake
with the echoes of pain

I try
but I am burnt

and no balm exists
to cool my wounds

There are demons within me
- nameless -
carrying a thousand words
of memory that I can
barely stand to contain

their weight makes me
buckle like an animal
whose load is far too
heavy for its back
to stand

and I am also, animal
prowling these haunted streets
of my mind, ever waiting
to pounce

in the night, as I am
falling asleep. Twisted images
and contorted words

they are all what remains, now
all, and everything

When I was young
I believed that love
was this magical force
that would save me

and now I’ve spent
my entire adult life
trying to save love

I am a mermaid

singing a siren song
to bring you home

what could be greater
than a reunion

between the lull
of lapping waves

and a life ever after

in the mysterious ocean

Amidst the chaos of
what was and
what can never be

there is now

I’ll sit and hold
your hand, here,
in this baffling moment

and whisper
“It’s okay”

You said my scar
was a line that lead you
directly to my heart

(and I sighed)

because scar tissue
has no memory
and can never lead you
back to me again

You were forever saying “look!”

at the flowers
at the sky
at the stars
at the moon

but not once did you look
in my eyes

and see your pain reflected
back at you

a mirroring of broken souls
broken parts
broken hearts

that were destined to shelter
with each other

during the storm

tell me I am welcome
in the darkest corners
of your mind

tell me I am welcome
to rest my heart there

tell me I am welcome
to stay

Your gaze burns into
the back of my skull

intensity that I dare not
look away from

daring to ask questions
that speech cannot

a fire inside the heart
of your eyes

yet they are as empty as
a snakes

heartbreak cutting through
your irises

your pupils shining black
with grief

am I really responsible
for the death of such beauty?

for the death of a sacred look
a sacred wink

can we not go back to the beginning?

brown eyes that I fell in love with
and mine, blue

that you said were as deep
as the ocean

and yet more beautiful

and yet, and yet,
at the end of the day

more deadly

I sit drinking black coffee
(two sugars)
in an all night cafe
across from the park

my face is pressed
against the glass,
condensation forming
as the temperature hovers
around freezing

I stare at the trees,
watching the leaves intently
as they blow slightly in the wind

the birds are chirping loudly,
anticipating the dawn

as the dusty pinks
turn into pale blue

people appear like ants,
scuttling in formation,
focused, eyes fixed on their goal

the pavement takes their weight,
the train terminal opens
like the mouth of the sea,
allowing them all to enter

the city is waking up for me

Your daffodil kisses
blow off the snowy
remnants of winter
and a spring starts to blossom
in my heart

Love is just a game, you said

and there’s a knack to playing it
that you could never teach me

however hard you tried

but then, winning all the time
would be boring

and at least I never cheated,
or tried to bend the rules

I’m not suggesting you did, my love

but you are are a compulsive gambler,
with a poker face that I have tried to navigate

with kisses,
warm and gentle, playing my own game,
the manipulative tricks of a woman

but failing, always,
to keep you from those jacks and aces

I guess love is really (a) blind

how long can we go on pretending
that we are merely playing

when our hearts are on the table?

Sun shines bright
Like fire -
Light fights darkness

I have always been uneasy
with the phrase
“Until it happens to you”

for me, it diminishes
the sacred bond of empathy

a shared understanding
even without a shared experience

it implies that people
cannot hold your hand
in the darkest moments
of your soul
and feel your pain completely
even if they haven’t lived it

it’s true,
until it happens to you,
you won’t know that darkness,
that trauma,
that pain

you won’t see
the face of your abuser
every time you
close your eyes at night

you won’t remember
every time you
smell that smell,
hear that song,
that name,
visit that place,


but sometimes
that doesn’t matter,
if the right person
makes you feel safe enough
to be yourself again

There’s no future in the past
so I carve out a path for myself
like an ancient scholar
carving lessons into stone
a path that leads me out
of the darkness
and into brilliant sunlight
I take my first steps like a child
always pushing
always dreaming
but despite it all
you are forever looking back

I need you tonight
like every night since we met,
I close my eyes and travel
across oceans and dimensions,
in search of what?
not love.
it was never love,
just an aching need
for the connection
of two broken souls,
the meeting of a shared sadness,
I move like a ghost
between the buildings of the city,
calling out your name
into the midnight sky,
no one answers.
if we never meet again
I’ll survive,
but a part of my heart
will die forever.