He said;

“It’s not like you have
a serious mental illness.”

and after I told him to “*******!”

I wondered if he was right

after all,

I’ve only tried to **** myself

(twice)

maybe three time’s the charm

I’ve only been bed bound
by a crippling darkness

that eats light with a ravenous hunger

I have only felt my heart
explode in my chest

with the utter certainty
that I was dying

I have only conversed
with spirits and demons

(the fun ones are the ones
that love you back!)

maybe he’s right

maybe I’m sane

or maybe...

I love that first
tantalising taste of coffee
in the morning,
deep and dark as the ocean,
and sweet as honey,

I love that first cigarette,
it’s warming amber glow
and glittering embers,

I love the silence at 4am,
the still quiet with only
the stars and the moon
for company,

I have to remember that I still love,
when my heart is so often full of hate

People think that poetry
has to be a certain way

look a certain way

sound a certain way

but at night,
when it’s just me
and the words
and a white, dazzling page

a raw outpouring
of rage, or grief
a siren song of sadness

I know better
than to believe in that

and to think with my heart

and not traditions
or conformities  

and to trust in myself
and the words,
and that white, dazzling page

I have watched a trembling bird
fight for life

it’s nest destroyed
in a man made storm

and as I watched it cling
to each last breath

my heart started to beat faster

as the life drained from it
into me

I don’t care if the sky falls

I don’t care if the oceans rise

I don’t care if the fires blaze

I have woven you into
the tapestry of my heart

and nothing can unstitch that

I remember the first time
that you told me
that the universe
was infinite

I didn’t sleep,
thinking of all the
millions of galaxies,
bursting with life

stars and suns burning
thousands and thousands
of light years away

and the sudden realisation
of the insignificance of us

You gave me a daffodil
now a single, shrivelled petal
resting in the palm of my hand
the forgotten promise of spring
weeping between my fingers

I remember its fragrance
something lost in the passage of time
like our love, my darling,
like our love

I watch the hours pass
so slowly,
time playing tricks on my mind,
each one as uneventful as the last
as nothing happens,
not ever

in this waking sleep,
this corseted grip on time
as darkness descends again
the ever watchful night,

trying to take me into its home
to place me amongst the stars

and God have I wished for that,
to be forever starlight

to be part of the darkness that engulfs me,
instead of overwhelmed by its force

but I dare not take that razor
that smooth, silver blade
itself glistening with light

so for my weakness, I am ****** to an eternal hell
as I watch the hours pass
so slowly, that they barely move at all

As roots we grow

unsure of what is waiting for us

above the soil

we stretch out, trembling

trepidation clinging to us

like moss

yet still, we reach out

and when we sprout branches

we climb

(we climb)

My thoughts freeze my senses

every emotion has become
a knife piercing my spine

I share more in common with the night
and yet I am dragged, unwillingly
into the day

There was a moment when I could have stood up to the all-encompassing storm

thrown my fists to the heavens
and not cared about the consequences

I was idealistic and naive,
assuming it would pass over by itself

I should have stood up for myself
and fought for my freedom

told the darkness it was not welcome here

not welcome inside me

A clock
that has stopped

years of black dust
clogging up its mechanism

hands that are bound
by unseen hands

an echo of a memory
diluted over time

until it runs like clear water
containing invisible particles
of pain and grief

the clock starts to tick
and I run behind it

always too slow to be part
of its motion

I miss you in my heart
even if my mind is screaming at me
to run from the fire before
I go up in flames

Chaos and calm
are two sides of the same coin
constantly flipping
in my mind

uncertainty makes you thrive
(they say)
but I am treading water
with unbrushed hair
merely trying to survive

There is tape on the floor at grocery stores
everybody is staying indoors,
doctors are dying as they tend the sick,
mask less, watching them die,
the death toll rises like a giant wave
escaping the ocean,
fear is everywhere in the air,
like a virus,

and  the virus

The Virus

The curve of your spine is etched

into the fabric of my memory

the arteries of my heart

the wrinkles of my fingerprints

and the words that catch in my throat

when I try to say

“I love you”

We are all tiny pebbles
dropped into a river
making ripples that
will eventually reach
the ocean

In the darkness there is;
the gentle glow of light from your cigarette
and the reflection of each other
in each other’s eyes

most people dance under the stars
but you and I dance amongst them

I've hid the way I felt about you
for too long

my heart burning in my chest
with the embers of feelings
I have burnt

my breath catching in my throat
with the ashes of the words
I can never say

I am a ghost of who I was

pieces of me splintering away
like wood

my arms heavy with embraces
that can never be felt

my eyes clouded over with emotion
that can never be shown

It is not enough to say "I love you"
when my soul is a shadow

hiding what can never be known

I miss your heart

the way it played
tricks

on mine

the way it would beat
faster if you saw me

smiling

I miss your heart

with all it’s arteries
and veins

red and blue
washing a purple night sky

over my soul

I miss your heart

it’s elements of love
that built me into a

a woman

who didn’t need to be loved
all the time

only in the windows
of your eyes

"I will conquer the darkness"
you said,

not realising that the darkness was

your flesh

your eyes

your heart,

I took that darkness into my mouth
a thousand times,

chewed it between my teeth
and spat it out

like the stones of a cherry,

I conquered the darkness
not you

Let the wolves wander

under the thickets of trees
that stretch out like a hand reaching

for God

let them moan under the moon

and their eyes shine like a thousand diamonds

lighting up the paths that I must walk

I am the wolf under the thicket,
under the moon

my sighs singing to the stars

I am nothing
and everything

I am God
devourer

of all

(it’s just ***)

to consume someone completely

(it’s just ***)

to strip someone of their power

(it’s just ***)

to rob them of their identity

(it’s just ***)

to take away their future

(it’s just ***)

to imprison them in their own bones

(it’s just ***)

to tear them apart

(it’s just ***)

May the space between
where I am when I’m
alone

and where I am when I’m
with you

be the ground in which
we can plant the seeds

of forgiveness

I have shattered love
with clumsy hands

always grasping
for affection
at the cost
of myself

I want to love
fearlessly

but my heart
is timid
from the cracks
it bears

kissing strangers
in the dark
and hoping
it will heal
itself

but it never does

and I live
under the burden
of unrequited love

Love
splits us
apart

like the parting
of the sea

waves of longing
rippling between
my heart and yours

crashing against
the rocks of our souls

shattering like glass

we were holding
back the flood

learning how to navigate
the ocean

with a compass
in our arm

like a needle supplying us
with the sweetest of drugs

it was love
(always love)

I hold
an undying hope
that I will one day
see in the mirror
what you see in
my eyes

You are
the ****
on my
shoe

that doesn’t
even deserve
the respect

of being picked
up off the ground

tonight
we drink the stars
toasting the moon
bodies entwined
like barbed wire
in the darkness
eager hands
striking out
there's hate now
where there once
was love
but a spark of
kindness remains
and a spark is
all it takes to
ignite a fire
and our love
will explode
like a supernova
into the infinite
universe of
nothingness

there is a sense of longing
a sense that you do not quite fit in

anywhere

that you have no home
no roots

you are wandering in a forest
of indifference

the world hostile faces of
the strangers that you meet

with wild, frightened eyes

yet you do not run

you stand firm
and plant your roots

where you are

starting from scratch

a beautiful mosaic
of chaos

and fire

I taste love
in the whiskey
that we share
to warm our blood
on this freezing
December night

my throat burning
with lust and
longing, our hands
touching, flickering
in the embers of a
dying fire

the stars a mirror
of our kisses,
echoing back
to us the passion
that we feel
rising in our
souls

time is ticking away from me,
as I sit in my window,
a cigarette idly flicked between my fingers
into an ashtray that is overflowing,

how long have I been here?

the seasons change around me,
the daffodils change to sunflowers,
to crisp red autumn leaves swept
across my neighbour’s porch,

it will be winter soon,

children will build snowmen,
their fingers purple from the biting frost,
kisses chanced beneath mistletoe
and tables groaning under the weight of food,

time has gotten away from me,
it is too late now to chase it,
so I shall sit, and flick my cigarette
sitting stiffly in my window
staring blankly through the glass

we are a candle in the dark
too dull to light up our path
but warm enough to set a
fire in our hearts

sins cast
like shadows
skulking in
corners
waiting to
pounce on
unsuspecting souls
we are the
undergrowth
of a forest
earth deep
with secrets
and the sound
of the voiceless
ones

Your eyes are soft in the morning
Like dew

Wet with the sorrow of the goodbyes
Of the night before

Your smile echoes in the faces of everyone around me
I can’t look at anyone anymore

Without thinking of you

A memory stirred like sugar lumps
Sweet and sickly

In the bottom of the cup of my heart

I let my heart take over

when you kissed me
when your fingers lightly
brushed the skin on
my back

it was foolish
to believe you were
different from every
other man I'd ever met

to think that you would not
run the tires of your car
over my heart

drive over everything
I'd built my dreams around
my hopes of a future
filled with loving kisses
and tearful goodbyes

in one reckless
hit and run

even a dying rose
has the lingering sense
of being something beautiful

does a broken heart
have the lingering sense
of being whole?

in the blink of an eye
I see your smile

waves crashing against
the shore

the fierce movement
of the water threatening
to consume everything

I remember
reaching out to you
as you struggled against
the tide

I can feel your hand
slipping out of mine
as your were taken
by the sea

in the blink of an eye
I see your smile
even as you
drowned

I remember the colour of the leaves
in that first Autumn when I learnt to walk again,
a ghost turning opaque amongst the reds and oranges.
a flower growing from the dirt, newly fed and watered.
scared of blossoming, still, yet turning her face towards the sun,
taking the air into her lungs, mouthful by mouthful,
taking on the sky, bite by tentative bite.

I am something of a stalagmite these days
ice has grown from where the water
has seeped through the cracks
of the cave of my bones,
growing ever more solid
with the advance of winter

"How does it feel?"

to be bare bones
flesh burnt off
by unkind
words

to be numb inside
feelings consumed
by the darkness
that few understand
but too many
experience

to walk around half alive
your only hope
being that your
soul has somehow
survived what you
could not

our breath hangs in the air
as we walk midnight streets
a full moon beaming down
on our shadows

in the blink of an eye
you'll be gone from me
so I cling to your hand
as if my life depends on it

we have found our place
feet standing on pavements
built to carry the weight
of thousands

and in our hearts we carry
the weight of a thousand
kisses, a thousand fingertip brushes,
a thousand unbearable goodbyes

We walk
Hand in unforgiving hand
Away from what we saw
In each other’s eyes
In the seconds before sleep

Bitterness has taken us
Blood and stone
Settling in our hearts
We have turned to cruel words
Thoughtless acts of callousness

We split
Parting like the sea
The tide against us
And waves recklessly washing away
What was once untouchable

my heart is a wild thing
walking the wilderness
searching for another
wanderer to call
my own

I have wasted years of my life
stumbling from one fire to another
and now I need a balm to heal
these burns

wild things long to be tamed, sometimes
and though I do not want a cage
I would **** for a pair of arms
to wrap themselves tightly around my body

the smell of your cigarettes
catches in my throat

it tastes of home
and your warm

embrace, holding my body
as it shakes

like a butterfly desperate
to fly, but

wings clipped and
chained

to the root
of your

heart

moonlight gleams like pearls across
your chest, stars dancing, imprinting dots
upon your naked flesh

and I could not stand the sight of it,
so I stepped out, barefoot into the night

and I don't know where I'm going
but I'll just keep on walking
until the darkness is behind me

feelings are in flux,
the constant motion
of a wheel turning
in my mind

I do not know
when I wake
what number
the hand on
this endless clock
will be pointing to

I feel like a ghost
walking the Earth,
as if I woke up
one day and left
my body behind me

am I really alive?
was I ever really alive?

Hearts beat, still
when souls have been
stamped out

surrounded by plucked
flowers that have barely
bloomed

a garden of green stems
and sorrow is all that
is left

shattered glass that
pierces your flesh

a blood offering
is all that is left

We have a love
that spreads out
across the constellations

each star a pinprick
of memory

a touch
a kiss
the lingering feel
of your fingers
running through my hair

the sun a burning siren
to our hearts, so that we
are never lost, never
straying too far apart

we hold reality
in the palm of our hands

weaving stories like
stitches into the
fabric of time

we will watch
as the universe burns

safe in the knowledge
that we have immortalised
our love

she is woman
standing before you
without armour
to shield her from
your stares

you think
she is powerless
but her voice
will rise like
smoke from
the ashes

and wrap
around your
throat until
you cannot
breathe

do not
underestimate
the strength
of a woman
who has
stripped herself
down to the
bone

for the world
to witness

I have walked through fire
to reach you

and the blisters on my feet
are love bites

from a distant love