I'm sorry
That I didn't want to talk
But I promise
I didn't want to talk to
Anyone
I wanted to entangle
Myself in the sadness
Because I think it has finally won
These slits on my arm
Show that I have lost this battle
And the evil thoughts
Coursing through my terrible mind
Show that I have lost
Part of me thought that I could possibly
Win
But that part was
Incredibly wrong
Because today has been the
Worst
And I lost the person
Who I cared for most
Because my best friend
Thinks I'm intentionally
Pushing her away
When really
It's just these bad thoughts
Telling me
That she doesn't care
Either
But I promise
That I have been trying
My hardest
But like I've said
Over and over and over
Again

I have never been good enough
And I never
Will
Be.

-e.w.

I've been feeling ill
The past few weeks

Not wanting to do anything
Feeling sicker than usual

The depression was there
But it seemed like
Something else was too

Doctors maybe suspected cancer
I had most of the signs

I thought about it
But no sadness rushed over me,
Instead,
it might have been gladness

Knowing that if I did
I would get out sooner
Than I thought

Hoping that God would give it to me
And take it away
From someone who deserved to live
Much more than
Me

But sadly,
It was just a "scare"

I'm perfectly fine,

But please know,
That my mind is not "fine"
And I may find another way to

"Get out sooner."

-e.w.

I'm on the edge

Wishing that you'd come along
With a strong rope
That could help me up

I promised myself
I would never ask for help

But I'm too far gone,
Too weak
To not ask

I'm scared,
Petrified
Sitting here
Wishing that I could find the gun
And pull the trigger
With one motion
Of my shaking finger

Because if someone,
Anyone,
Doesn't come
And save me

I don't think
I'll be here

To see the lovely sunrise
Tomorrow morning

I crave the feeling
Of being numb

So I wouldn't have to sit here
At 8:52 at night
Wishing I were gone

Wishing I could go away
Or go home

Because I can't handle
This sadness
That never,
And I mean never,
Goes away

I promise you
I'm trying to battle through it

But when I can't
Think of a reason
Why I should stay

I think of all the reasons why I
Shouldn't

-e.w.

One, two, three

I count the tally marks
Lining my arm

Four, five, six

They're swollen,
Matching my eyelids

Seven, eight, nine

I'm losing sleep
And I'm losing places
To make my mark

Ten, eleven, twelve

I'm getting worse,
Much worse

Thirteen, fourteen, fifteen

I could go on
Until maybe
One-hundred

But I wouldn't want to
Bore you

With the scars lining
My battlefield
As I fight this
Never ending
War.

-e.w.

These plain white
Hospital walls
Linger through my mind
As the IV in my arm
Pumps me full of sleepy
Drugs

Your voice lingers in my
Ears

Telling me your disappointed
Telling me I should have told
Someone,
Anyone

But who would listen?

I'm in this state
Of never ending
Sadness

You tell me
"I'll get over it"
That it's
"Just a phase"

Then this must be
The longest phase
In existence

You tell them I don't need help
I don't need medication

But I crave it
Because maybe
It could finally give me a
Relief

But I leave this place
With nothing more
Then when I came

And leaving with nothing solved
Coming home with just
Your disappointment
Towards
Me

-e.w.

I told myself
I need to stop
Letting you break me

It's unintentional on your part
But it keeps happening

I keep loving you
With everything I have

But yet you won't even
Give me the time of day

You say you're confused
About your feelings
That you don't know
If you love me
Or someone new

I'm the happiest
When I see you
Or receive a single text from you
Or even talk to you

Because somehow
I can see your face light up with joy
When I see you

As I begin to break once again.