I feel out of place and unwelcome
an extra in a circle of people closer to each other than they are to me
maybe it's because my best friend was so embarrassed by what I act like when I'm angry-drunk she won't accept my apology
or another close friend always chooses herself over me time and time again
so I'm just wondering if everybody makes mistakes then how come not everybody sees their own?

it wavers back and forth like the moon and the sun switch places
I think it's because I loved you too much
that now I don't know how not to

on days where the sun shines brighter than your eyes ever sparkled
I don't miss you
on days where my mood slips I find comfort in torturing myself with what could have been

some place inside my mind I know that first loves are a lesson
and I wish us both content at the least

a piece of advice I took with no regret
"don't spend your time with a living cigarette"
he'll hook you and whisper sweet nothings in your ear
and before your pretty doe eyes will he disappear
a smoker is a joker and you're not in on this one
though it may seem like you're his babe and his ***
he burns quick and bright, you'll always want more
you'll lick your lips forever like a cigarette *****

you used to tell me you'd follow me into the dark
but now I'm sure you wouldn't even glance at me in the light
after all we've been through, here I am, frozen and stark
oh what I'd give for one more late night fight
ending in twisted sheets
and you'd kiss the tears off my sullen face
remind me of the time our eyes would first meet

I need to hear from you that you don't want me
or I'll keep thinking that you do

because the last few times you saw me
your hands wouldn't leave my body
wide eyed hoping not to get caught

you're out of my sight and i'm out of your mind
somewhere in between is what we lost so long ago
even though we haven't exchanged anything more than a glare
in the past couple years
I think of you every day
I search for you in everyone
and I am not prepared to watch your fingers spin records
nor do I want to see people enjoying your presence
mostly because I can't
you used to be the bad boy who was good for me (or so I thought)
now you are memories of a different time
I wonder if you ever sit alone and think of how I'm doing

when my name falls from someone's lips do you look up?

my heart withered from your poison ivy touch
every inch of me itching to burn you down
to find your roots, to chop them up
so that you would never grow again

instead I rushed the other way
out of your toxic and treacherous grasp
I am free yet confined in these ivy leaves
now dead and brown
no life left
no fight left

these sheets have never welcomed me this much
drained from dragging my feet on the pavement
my ears have been filled with your pitiful pleas
my heart is eager to flee from the twisted words you breathe
if I'm being honest, this silence is way too loud
and I can hear your thoughts through your skull

I've always wondered what it would be like
to have a boy kneeling before me begging for my forgiveness
I've always thought that I'd feel powerful
instead I felt nothing

I used to be addicted
until I rehabilitated
now everything is low
compared to the time I spent high
but whatever brings you up
always crashes down hard
always leaves scars

the needle marks that were your kisses
sit on my skin as reminders
that you cannot save a person
who is drowning in themselves
and rock bottom is a lot closer than you know
when drugs are involved

some days confusion rips each half of me into shredded bits
and I never wake up knowing

my heart wanes back and forth between the different me's
while my brain tries to make sense of it all

does anyone know exactly who they are?
I feel like I have to run and never look back
all the while aiming for a box that I know I won't fit into
and the moment I reach it, it'll stretch and creak,
push me back to the old box I was in

categories rule my life
but I never asked for this

I inhaled the smell of the past when I walked by a couple of smokers
laughing and coughing;
oblivious to the fact that anyone might have a thought about them
I couldn't help but think
that used to be me

if there is a heaven and hell I know where I'll end up
I should've burst into flames the moment our clothes came off
because you tasting me on church property was a sin I won't repent

I always make sure if the devil is watching he gets a good show
I want a good seat when it's my turn to burn

alcohol and *** are a funny combination
leaving a night full of inebriated fun feeling scandalous
sharing a walk of shame to the local 7-11
and feeling patriotic when we make it to the 4am game at TCs

somehow I keep falling in and out of love with destroying myself

I will drain all the blood from my body before I can forget
nothing comes in black and white
except for life and death

if drugs are so freeing then why are all my friends confined
bedrooms, bathrooms, back rooms
falling from grace in privacy

tv tells a story of an all-at-once catastrophe
but addiction looks different close up

words flow like streams after a storm
but I want to say something I haven't before

you can only repeat yourself so many times
before people stop listening

so I'll walk through the rain a couple more times to realize
my flowery thoughts are meant to be heard
but you have no ears for me

nostalgia is for the weak
and I am stronger than I've ever been
so why am I homesick for you

maybe when your name ceases to so rudely crumble from my lips
I'll be okay
(or maybe I won't)

the moments spent in these last 4 years
can mostly be described the same way
simply for the fact that you were there

desperately fumbling for a chance at erasing the old me
(but I don't want to forget the old you)

when my vision turns to the past I see you
not as a lover but as a lesson
you showed me who not to give my entire heart to
and how to put up walls higher than we were
I learned that when you're in love with a DJ
the tables are always turned on you
sure, I was always on your arm
but your concentration was elsewhere
even when your hazel eyes locked my grey ones

sometimes I regret that we are not sitting in your bedroom dropping acid
or that we haven't taken drugs that make us want to walk around town
in the glistening 3am winter

sometimes I miss drinking Jameson with you
stumbling home from a party up the road to find a nice soft dirt trail
to fumble around in for a while

sometimes I miss smoking Export A's, one after the another
inhaling the toxic fumes like I inhaled your presence
until the whole pack was gone
inevitably, just like you always were by the end of the week

but now I'm doing greater things than snorting lines and drinking away the pain you caused
I have ambitions and I'm getting out of this god forsaken **** hole

I am apologetic that I could not save you
and that when you were on the path to being saved
I was a liability that may have ultimately caused your eventual demise

now you are rotting away in a place I never saw you in
you are a person I never wanted you to be and never thought you could be

this is the person everybody else saw and told me to run from
while I was batting my eyelashes and losing sleep

I am at a terrible loss for words even though I have just written so many

where we were last year was galaxies away from this
maybe you don't see it like I do
I'd give a lot to be there again but I wouldn't give everything
our *****-soaked friendship has been forever changed
by a few wrong decisions and a lack of words exchanged

nobody ******* talks to me anymore
it crawls under my skin
and keeps me sighing instead of smiling
just when things get good they go south
and the farther down they fall
the more I thirst for them

When does my apprehensive foot step over the mythical dotted line?
Did my tired eyes see too far into the tender words you ****** upon my delicate soul?
I am but a flower in a garden of potential love; almost love.

You write me a story overflowing with great intention but of what?
A special appeal is a soft hand tucked between the overworked creases of yours.
My tired eyes see not only what they want to but what they are willing to.
Is that enough?

Last year was so different
Secrets, lies, hiding
And for what?
Happy Birthday

I never thought I would miss the smell of cigarettes
or the way saying sorry a million times over felt in my mouth.
I never thought the things I couldn't live without were teasing you
and ******* like it would be the last thing we did.
I knew that some day I would regret not letting you taste me on that beach
but how could I foresee that you would have been so excited to run your hands on my body that night.
An electric charge that had built up only to be released in the form of a number 69,
something about a missionary, and a cowgirl.

I could play it over a thousand times
and still, nothing would become of it
because you are you
and I am me
nothing more than late night flirting to tie us.

So why, when I think of the sweet words
and the promises of the time we'll spend
arms and legs tangled
my head resting on your shoulder
do I become faint-hearted?

A message that was not meant for me
had been delivered anyway
and now I hear nothing but guilty silence
coming from where I once heard
booming cries of "I want you."

I laid my strung out heart down
to a night of slumber for my drained and tired brain
only to find in the surreal world of my mind
a feeling of a different kind
a twist of emotion or a love-drenched notion
reminding me that feelings come and go
but once a lover, always a lover

I hope I never get my hopes up again

drugs never touched my life until you did
you hypocritically denied me the right to take a little orange pill
while your pupils shone wide
bright black discs
you can't tell me what to do
down the hatch and away into wonderland
I wore the pink glasses timidly
so you wouldn't be able to tell that now
my pupils matched yours in size
*I love you

the grinding routine weathers on your adventurous heart
sit and wait
wait for the right moment to follow your childhood dream
wait until the skin around your plump lips becomes withered and concealed with miniscule lines
don't make your move until upon your beige walls your college degree sits
until the child you kept in your body for months is well grown
wait until the right moment
wait until you're ready
tick tock tick tock

every time I close my eyes
I picture your pulsing veins
your overly exposed pupils
they stare at my soul
if you ever left where you hide
maybe your shaky hands
and your cigarette stained mouth
could find comfort in living
outside the hell hole called the Harvies

years are passing and people are leaving
going on to do bigger and better things
but each time the snow falls
and the lights shine
I feel emptier without them

In need of adventure
instead in my room, I sit
kept in this dreadful town
by promises
by bridges about to crumble
but nonetheless, bridges I do not want to burn

I need a different time zone or area code
the 604 ain't doing it no more

new days overflowing with challenge await
I can feel it on every freckle

things used to be fun around here
now the walls are full of secrets
birth control and drugs
cheating scandals that might as well be flashed on the front of a paper
friendships severed by the looming promise of anxiety
depression swallows any hope of a hang out
Im sick of my friends being sick

you spray deadly venom in the form of words
in the direction of which I unsteadily stand

with your intention to maim
my solemness fazes you

for though I am writhing in pain
it hides within me
I will give you no such thing as satisfaction
in the way of your tauntingly soulless heart
having license to see the battle going on inside of me

after a series of what I can now see
were clearly one-sided encounters
of genuine flirtation
came the period of silence
from your lying lips
and now you've managed
somehow
to plant those lips on mine
for an awkward and forced moment
that was in no way returned
and have the audacity to muster the sentence
"I still got it"

you can be coy and cocky all in the same breath
I want to suffocate you in these moments
all I know of you; drug use, mixed signals, and your extensive knowledge of how a truck runs
fascinating

so what made you so alluring?

was it the way you sat next to me without even introducing yourself
and grabbed my hand as if we'd known each other already?
or how you would ditch your buddies for a night of partying with me
and we'd hide away sharing stories
sharing lines

whatever was there is now gone
take your drunken kisses elsewhere

and it was only when I realized
I needed to get out of my own head
did I start to really live
and in a time so dire
that change was imminent
I became effervescent
to save myself
from me