sitting next to you knowing that you're not mine
with tears dedicated to that reason
dripping down my face
and you sat there holding me
soberly

but it was all in vain; afterwards
I did not gently do away with all of your clothes
I did not have time to whisper to your soul
instead I drove you to her
so you could slink back in silence

this time
the trace of a girl other than your own
was me

it never felt good to be without you
it still doesn't feel good
and i don't know who you are now
but i imagine this version of you is much better
than the version that fell in love with me

after hours my thoughts trudge through loneliness
get deeper into the abyss
dig your own grave
push yourself into that corner
cry your silent tears while people stare from behind their technology
dare to ask me if I'm okay
if you even remember to
same old sad story: sequel, spin-off, and adaptation
feelings aren't real
they are only in your head

where else would they be?

I ache for the time when memories of you consisted of more than
embarrassment
and bold faced lies

When I didn't have to look back and cringe
Because even now, the conversations that include your name are ones where
I find out the truth

And I weep for the moments of comfort and happiness I shared with you
Even though those moments were genuine, they were tainted

You traipsed around with traces of other girls on your sweater
And I was too naive to notice
anything but the rhythm of your breath

when you finally crumbled
tears dripping down your sorry face
whose arms did you fold yourself into

no I did not return your feelings
at all times
but I did learn how to love someone
in the summer of '09

you and I were never meant to be
those puzzle pieces that only fit
if you jam them hard enough

love at first sight always fades

the weather's turning cold and I can't wait to complain about how the sun never shines
it'll be yet another winter without a hand to hold

the moment I realized that it wasn't your crooked smile I was craving
was the moment I set myself free
you don't need a significant other to spend your days well
but my oh my, does it help time pass
one day I will find my next true love
and perhaps that one day, that too will end and I'll have to try another one on for size
there are billions of people on this earth
the simplicity of the odds are firm proof that one day someone will be waiting for you
you just haven't met them yet

thousands of minutes I've wasted on thoughts that lead to nowhere positive
only now am I realizing the utter waste
my dreams live on in a better place now
tangled in faerie wings and spider webs
glistening in my mind
I am stronger

I melt like putty in your hands
maleable for your words
a sucker for your eyes
and still I know that it's all for lies
you don't really love me
you love the sneaking and the deceit
you love pulling me in just to push me away
I know because I did it to you first
and now I know how much it hurts

every single human on this earth has had their heart torn apart
whether it be the ache of mommy leaving you on the first day of school
the boy you thought loved you when really he loved what it felt like inside of you
the cancer that took your grandma last summer
or the regret of watching a series of your friends take a path leading to less than nowhere
every human is burdened with sadness
be kind

isn't it amazing how time flies by us
day to day we see the same person in the mirror
and those around us haven't changed either
but when you look back a year from today
you really see just how much damage or good
365 days
8760 hours
525,600 minutes
or 31,536,000 seconds
can do to a person

I have seen darker times and lived through brighter days
Though today may be pain filled tomorrow will shower me in happiness
I know now that my emotions will trick me into thinking things that aren't the truth
Oh, how I wish I could tell myself this in hindsight
*People who are sad either **** themselves or get over it

it is in moments where I hiccup and anticipate
the fated spider you hold in your hand to cure me

or when someone swears instead of promises
forcing the realization that the two are one in the same
for everyone else but us

and when I put on an old t-shirt that does not
smell of a mix of your cologne and cigarettes

loneliness hits me a year later
while I'm scribbling poems
dripping with your essence

Emotionally vacant, I sit and pretend to be
And like a gloomy shadow your words hover over me

I'm drowning in a sea of regret and hopelessness
I long for the day I'll be able to fix this mess

We can prove to the majority that we were in the right
You know, it's not like I ever really gave up that fight

when people talk about love
and falling so ridiculously, and hopelessly hard for somebody it hurts
a name might come to mind

12 months have passed and you might say
through trial and error one could succeed at erasing that name
when people talk about love
and falling so ridiculously, and hopelessly hard for somebody it hurts

but 12 months is seconds when it comes to feelings
and when you've fallen so hard your heart is bruised
a 12 month bandaid won't fix it

in the moment you were mine and your arms around me confirmed that
but in reality you were hers and i was just a pass time
i shed tears because i remembered our past and thought of what our future could have been
and you looked at me with sad eyes
the eyes of somebody pretending to be torn
of somebody who had already made their choice
we shared a cigarette and stared at the rain clouds
and I wondered what you thought of when you looked at me

you look at me with eyes you used to save only for enemies

I will immerse my heart in wine
and doze off in thoughts of you

The silence weakens my heart
A lack of words reciprocated, their only purpose would be to tangle my mind

The absence of the letters that would form words is replaced by your shallow breath
I wait for what will never come

We have danced this dance many times but there is something different here

if the monster has never touched you then consider yourself lucky
your thoughts, actions, and daily routines revolve around the monster
it eats you up and takes you over
it scratches at the back of your mind with razor sharp claws,
laughing while you **** yourself trying to fix everything
it wants you to hate yourself
it ruins you with the idea of perfect
the problem with perfect is that it's unattainable and out of reach
and you won't ask for help because you're never sick enough
you're useless and disgusting and you have no will power
the monster won't let you forget it

so if the monster ever tries to introduce itself to you
run as fast as you can the other way
and don't ******* look back

Empty promises haunt me and stab at my heart with daggers
A lonely thought wanders and dances through my jaded mind
It whipsers to me that I will get what I want but I can't tell if it's lying
Words can be manipulative and convincing just like I can be
This is my mind taunting me; showing me consequence

I know myself as one person but maybe I am another

I remember when you used to sing to me

You are my sunshine

You hated your voice and I loved it

Mostly because you were singing to soothe my sorrows

When tears were rolling down my cheeks, melodies were rolling off your tongue

And I loved you for it.

I placed my gaze dangerously on the abyss.
I didn't jump.
Instead I pondered it.
"Nobody understands." I thought.
I felt the anxiety and sadness to its full force.
I let the curiosity of no return overwhelm me.
I suddenly felt such a passion and love for the life within me.
Where did such a love come from?
All the time leading up to this I'd felt it wither away and now,
when I decide I'm done with it, it comes back.
I've been cheated.
My own heart tells my mind lies.
Are they not friends?
Other people can let go; free fall. Not me.
Though many times I've convinced myself I would jump, I was lying.
Though many times I've convinced myself that I was over you, I was once again lying.
In previous dreams this would be the part where I would back away from the ledge; I'd reel you in.
Only this time, you showed up and pushed me over the edge.
Everything was different now.
Forever?
I had wanted this, hadn't I?
The sad part is that even though you caused this suicide to be a ******, I will forgive you.