I have this... This problem. It's something that no one can fix, it won't go away on its own, and I simply don't know what to do about it.

You see, I live behind a wall. Occasionally, I'll peek over and see people on the other side, but never could I ever take down that wall. Often people begin to take turns trying to tear down my wall: my protection. Sometimes, it even begins to work. I let them. My boarder, my protection, my guard comes down for them. And I have to admit, it's amazing... For a while that is.

At the beginning, it's scary and new and adventurous. It seems so exciting because the person appears to care so much that they want to see me. Not see me behind the wall, but simply see me. My quirks and faults all in all. It's enticing. It's encouraging. It's exciting. The mixed surge of emotions that is felt as the wall comes down and I make myself comfortable with them is remarkable. It simply makes me feel.. Wanted. They become my protection, my guard, my life.

But as it's happened so many times before: my new found way of protection.. Leaves. People have shown me that they never truly stick around. No one is in it for the long hall. The people who helped tear down that wall in first place are the very same people who leave scars in a matter of seconds. I don't even know if they realize what they do. Simply put, they disappear.

No questions
No comments
No goodbyes

It's not fair. It's never fair. The sole person whom you put your trust in will stab you in the back. They'll leave without a reason. They'll ignore you as is they never knew you. What has always bothered me, is that they never tell you why they have chosen to leave.

Now, I want the real deal. I desire the companionship, the comfort, the fun, joy, laughter, arguments and intimacy. I long for all of it. It's all I want. But that person whom you placed your trust in,  in order to take down the walls, is the same one who keeps you from this.  

The person who helped you bring the walls down the first time, second, third. They all stop you from believing whole heartedly that people stay. They have me believing that no one is permanent. Everything and everyone in my life is temporary.  And it scares the crap out of me because I don't know what I'd do if I had to deal with one more person walking out on me. But I know that it's inevitable. It will happen.

I just wish I could find someone who would stay.