silent wounds
and invisible screams
running
from the existence of
nothing
but then
turning around
because the
invisible wounds
and silent screams
from the absence
of everything
capture attention

help me
please
                          i'm
              s p i r a l i n g
        
         down the rabbit hole
                                           but now
                              alice is gone
         all that's left
                   is the

                            mad hatter

music
fills my world with light,
dancing to Cavetown in my room,
letting the happiness fill me up
like nectar
falling asleep to Madilyn Mei,
listening
until the world goes quiet,
a rare moment of pure joy
despite the cloudy uncertainty of the world,
i exist only for myself in that moment

loud
the world invades
until
i die
but no
"false alarm"
my mind says
like i didn't just lie on the floor
clutching my ears
in pain
hurting so much
   d
y
      i
  n
        g
until i feel like a ghost
in the shell of a person
lost
caves
tunnels
offices
hallways
lockers
and i can't return
to the shell of me
just watching from above.

scissors
dark
red
marks
help
get me out
i need to leave
this house
the sharpener
calls
as the walls
fall

the voices are never quiet
the sound creeps under doorways
and through keyholes
until it's everywhere
and there is no escape
from the endless noise
****** yelling
silent whispers
bombs and
knives sharpening
infiltrating
penetrating
perforating
until it's all you hear
until it becomes all i am
until it becomes all i know
until the voices and i
are alone together
always

September 9th, 2001
Gary and I were skating at a hospital on top of a huge hill, overlooking a valley
An ambulance came and took out a dead woman
Gary asked me why she wasn't moving or blinking
They hadn't closed her eyes yet
She must have died on the way

A car full of family and friends came in with the ambulance
They were all crying and hugging each other
One woman screamed hysterically
And grabbed at the woman's body asking her to wake up

I had to tell Gary that her soul went to heaven
I didn't believe a word of it, but I knew it'd be easier for him to understand
Two days from now, at 9 a.m., the planes will hit the World Trade Center
Killing over 3, 000 people
I will tell Gary that there is no God, and all of this is meaningless

But today, there is a God, and He has a plan for him

He doesn't know it, but a year from now, our family will be torn apart
And I will move far away and won't see or talk to him for five years
And as we sit on the hood of our car, the sun goes down
And he asks me what I wanted all my life

I tell him, "I don't know"

On and on we run away
From the things we are afraid of
On and on we run away
From the things we are afraid of
On and on we run away
From the things we are afraid

I don't tell him about the dream I had the night before

Where I'm riding in a car full of strangers
And singing to some song I've never heard and smoking a cigarette
We swerve off the road and hit a tree
I go through the windshield and hit the edge of the fence
Dislocating my jaw and flipping me into a wall
Where my neck is broken, and my skull is fractured
I bleed to death in excruciating pain

I will have this dream periodically until I meet all of the strangers one by one
Introducing them all to each other until we are a close group of friends

I will set these events in motion and I will die
But today in the warm light of the sunset
I don't see it, I just see the sunset
I smile back and shake my head

I have absolutely no idea, I am afraid.