I can't take this anymore
I don't know where to go or what to do
I've driven myself insane
I can't exist within my own mind
I can't make sense of anything
i feel like i'm
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Deeper and Deeper
Down into the rabbit hole
into a place where time goes backwards
but the good thing is
after a while
i start to feel a sick sense of relief
and everything's okay again

so i guess i'll keep venturing down into the rabbit hole
just for a little while longer

I never loved, only lusted

each move that we make, is that deliberate?
each desire that moves us, is that what we wish for?
each question that pushes us, is that what we care for?

I've always gotten lost in my head, thinking about all the ways I could cut my flesh open and destroy myself, to finally end myself
-
some time elapsed and I finally realised that it is not death that I long for but just pain
-
I want to take myself apart piece by piece
to feel at peace and feel that sweet release

i know why sin feels good
we all do
why wouldn't something bad feel good
it's just how life goes
but it gets repetitive and addictive
maybe not so nice after all
you almost try to break through the surface
but get bored when you break through
so you just immerse yourself deeper
because contentment is boring

step into this world full of dreams
the ring leader will show you the way
hop into his top hat and escape to a far and distant place
marvel at the spinning cups and sorcerers
and watch the kids in glee riding the marey-go-round.
you see the stripes on the ringleaders jacket? pin straight lines? that's a map of this world full of dreams
this is no circus show
this is a freak show
enjoy the ride

The biggest lie I ever told myself was that I didn’t need anyone
That i had myself
That I was enough for me
I DONT EVEN HAVE ME
THERES NOT ENOUGH OF ME
INHAVE BEEN SLOWLY FADING AWAY
I AM FADING

and it sounds scary right. I guess it is but I can’t feel the fear
I am sinking, in a sea that swallows me
It’s getting darker
I’m not even aware of the surface above me
So how can I break through? No
I don’t want to break through
I can’t
I shouldn’t
-
I am sinking
I am fluid
Life is still, not peaceful
but still
My eyes are closed and I’m floating
Barely there as a person
-
Though you see my body that the sea has swallowed
My soul has dissolved

i don't believe in full stops

this is my outlet for negative emotions because what ******* wants to part with positive emotions
i do this to achieve a balance

it's just something. something about old pictures, something about the way the streets look different and the way those wrinkles on your face now aren't alive yet just waiting to be born,
the way the hues of the image before me are washed out but still shine with the memories you infused into every droplet of ink printed onto the page.
mother and daughter crouched onto the broken cobbled stones.
frilly summer dresses and messy hair for you and for your mother, timeless elegance.
the narrowed streets swallowing you, bring you closer, but closer to what?
the  faded corner shop with the grumbling old man resided in the small city streets.
take a look around, do you remember? tell me about why you took this? when you took this? how did it feel taking this? what had happened before you took this picture?
the small limbed entity crouched cheekily next to her mother, oh i look at you and wonder just how fast time goes.
the time ticks on and so does my heart, that's a second gone, now a minute, suddenly an hour. wait how did 14 years go by.

they trigger something inside of me

You feel on fire
Electric

You burn
Dark and fast
When you hear my voice

And I
I can’t breathe
When I hear yours
Because you remind me of all the times I sinned
You remind me of the dark me
The worst parts of me are in you
And when I see you, ****, those memories wash over me
Slowly
The flames lick at my body
Teasing
Threatening to destroy me

But I’m naive
You have a way of corrupting me
And all of a sudden
Like magic
My hate for you turns into white hot desire
Burning deep into the night
We’re on fire
Burning together so deliciously
Yet we try
Try so hard to put the flames out with our tears

It’s been so long
And we’ve never succeeded...

my silence is the pain that makes me crazy, yet it is also the salve that makes me soulful

Just remember that when all goes right in your life and a fire has ignited,
sure for a while the warmth is roaring and energetic
but it'll consume you,
burn you
and those around you
.
Then you'll go to sleep
wake up to another day
you notice it's a little colder
and that you're outside
because the fire burnt your house down
and then you notice you feel a little emptier

yep, just gotta wait it out till the next ignition

I'm coming back but for something different this time
I'm still me....but I want more

What do I want?

I'll let time tell you that

Loneliness is not about the absence of people in our lives. It is actually the people surrounding us and our lack of interest in them that makes us lonely

i write for writings sake

i love the way eyes shine
so bright
even when they shine with tears
it's so cute

i get lost in my eyes
so chocolatey and bright

Everyday I ask myself
What can I want
When I have everything

the sadness morphs into
sickness
then to forced acceptance
but i can't accept
but for the benefit of my surroundings
i'll have to keep lying to myself

The heart speaks volumes
But no one hears its barely audible whispers
The heart grows frustrated
It isn't just a vessel that feels

It's neglected
It's lonely
And it deserves love

It's used to find love
But it's tired of not being loved

So it shouts and screams
And pounds the walls of your body that trap it
Because it is tortured

And it will always be unhappy
Because we are Selfish
We forget that it lives
We forget that it feels
We abuse it and blame it
We threaten to rip it out of its home
While it's still beating and begging for mercy

But we do it anyways
We ****** our hearts in cold blood

and your heart in its last dying breath whispers to you
"Never forget the first time that we met"
and despite the fondest memories that you see in that moment
You **** it
And you spend the rest of your life as an empty shell
But one lone thought circles around your retched mind

The heart speaks volumes

I’m dreaming of being a fairy
Ethereal and other worldly
With not a care in the world

What would I do you ask?

I’d run through forests, mystical and teeming with energy
I’d bathe in a little lake under the beaming sun
Then find myself in a meadow where I could lay in the grass ****
Borrowing energy from Mother Earth
Everyday

life feels so empty ... nothing feels real
do i even exist? i don't know what to do with myself ...truly i don't

why is everything moving so fast
i just want time to exist and nothing else

Cherry kisses
Flushed cheeks
Cherry pop

There's so much beauty in sadness and grief
and in the colours black, white and grey

but today there isn't
it's sad i guess that sadness has to be misunderstood
and that these colours are seen as so negative

they are so beautiful
and comforting
and striking
and real

but life taints everything pure
it forgives no one

maybe i am life

ugh social networks,
i'm on nearly all of them
i like them and heavily dislike them
they annoy me because they change people
they change me at times
they're pointless
we spend so much time being our internet selves that we side line what is real
when what's real matters so much more
we're destroying ourselves with something virtual that we have control over
i hate that i'm aware of my control yet i'm still ****** in to this virtual void

when your hands gripped the counter
when your breath got stuck in your throat

when i smiled and laughed all night long
when your eye twitched
hold it in hold it in..please (i would whisper)

you snapped
of course i saw
i felt it

i tried to convince myself that you weren't real
BECAUSE YOU DID NOT EXIST

it never worked
i couldn't shake you
i couldn't shake that feeling

i always give in to that dark bliss
that black intoxication .. so inviting and warm .. an unfamiliar place that feels so much like home

I exercise control in every aspect of my life that requires collective elegance and that is, to be correct, my life.
I taught myself the value of how you conduct yourself, how you carry yourself and just what actions have people eating out of the palm of your hand,
My courtesy's often are in collaboration with my fantasies, my fantasies are often in love with ambitions, my ambitions were then caught fraternizing with reality....
they ran off together
and brought back a child 2 years later
when ambitions manifest themselves in your daily life
it's a little like getting high off your own supply
and really, I ask myself why....
why
why
and that is why I am what I am today
this very second
and to think change is yet to come

Please kindly do not perceive me, I am not real. I am a concept

It's always 3am
just waiting for something to happen
just waiting to feel something
It's always 3am

not 4am or 5am
it's always 3am

The Master said, “ He who rules by moral force is like the pole star, which remains in its place while all the lesser stars do homage to it.”

you only think what i want you to think
when i want you to think

Waste no time
Please

I was a little girl, once, blissfully unaware
Hanging on to my fathers leg, wearing a tiara just knowing that life could only be viewed with a rosy hue. And that belief I had as a child has stuck with me to this day but it developed with me as i grew. The pink hue met more people, saw more, felt less and got distorted but still recognisable.
I learnt that happiness could not exist without an opposition and the opposition is the most beautiful thing in existence because it Spurs you on to expand the stretch of your own rosy hue. I'm happy with inconsistent contentment because it represents balance, a fair balance that is neither here nor there, only where it can be when it needs to be and it must be followed through

The night grew quiet and lonely
So I chased my high

*

I forced myself to
I forced myself to

you ever crave success so much that you lose the will to work sometimes?

Kids from broken homes
with broken dreams
and wishes that they could just fade away

I try to ignore it
sometimes i can't

so i lash out
and hurt everyone around me
and make them relive the pain they already live with

then we pretend
we pretend that life is okay again
for a couple of days
or if we're lucky, a whole week

you've ****** me up and i'm the only one i can blame

what do you do
when you begin to dream of somebody
not just anybody...him
more than once
not just a spontaneous occurrence anymore
but now a regular visitor
in the chamber that is my mind

everything i desire
is so shockingly clear and electric
so much so
that when i wake up
my body is lifeless and drained
i used up my body's reserves
to ******* dream about you
and whether it was voluntary or involuntary
i'm not sure
and
really
i'm not sure whether i want to be sure

i can't bear to have you with me
in the flesh
but i can cope with you flowing through me

i crave that skin on skin contact with you
but i'm afraid baby boy
that it won't feel as real as it did
in my mind

i could go on forever
about absolutely nothing
because that's what you are

absolutely ******* nothing

but then again

i know that you're everything

they always say to watch out for those who don't clap when you win...what *******
don't overlook the ones that do clap, like a fool, for the best hiding place is in plain sight
the only clap that matters is yours
be thankful to those ones that don't clap, just so you don't owe anyone anything

these memories mean nothing, I don't need them anymore
i just sit there and romanticise things that aren't even real

the past isn't real
it was pure imagination

i'll keep telling myself that

no galaxies and stars
no *******

when he told me to wait
every single minute felt like rejection
for once, time was finally accounted for

distractions
imagine going through a day with no distractions or you distracting yourself
i don't think it's possible
no level of determination can break the foundations of distraction
i'm caught up in a vast cloud of nothing
i can't seem to make sense of my thoughts
pathetic how i control my mind but instead i let it control me
i am the main character in my story
no this is not me being depressed or sad or anything like that since i don't believe in any of that
i'm just confused as to why i succumb to distraction when power is a second nature to me
i let it derail and sidetrack me
all i crave right now is to take control of my life

You’re all I have, I said to the wall in front of me
The wall did not respond. It just stared back
Blankly, silently

To Autumn by John Keats

but i do
i feel
i feel everything

it's so strong
when it washes over me
it consumes me

schoolbooks always thrown on the floor while i explore another world for a few hours

Love *****
I mean I don't even know if this is love
This my problem
I've never been in love
Maybe I have
I don't know
People describe it to me
They say 'trust me you'll know'
But I don't think I will or can ever know
I don't think I'm built to differentiate between real feelings and fake feelings
I don't know what I'm feeling towards you
But I get this sad feeling when we aren't talking
When we aren't with eachother
I guess that's love
Or some twisted version of it
I guess I'll just have to settle for it
And I wish
I just wish
That I could say all of this to you
And more
And I know that life's too short to hold back
But some part of me
The cautious part of me
Tells me to think twice about what I'm doing
If I open up to you, what's the worst that could happen?
But I can never read you
I never know WHAT to think
I never know what you think
I don't want to feel like this
Weak, vulnerable and needy
I don't want to feel like control is not within my reach
Be mine
Forever
But *******
******* for making me feel like this
For hating every moment since you've been in my life
******* for making me feel this way
I'm weak
Pathetic
I thought I was stronger
UGH
I've never been the girl that sat around missing a mans presence
But I guess fate has its own way of getting revenge
Maybe I just feel too much
Or just feel too deep
Or think too much
But I'm so detached at the same time
So distant
So complacent
Maybe that's why I'm so confused
Maybe that's why I'm just not so sure anymore
About anything
About me
About you
And about us
If that even exists

I want to see inside of you
Every last detail
I see something in you
Funny
Because at first I didn't expect it
I thought you were pretty average
It turns out
You're pretty cool
And the best part is
I don't even think you know it
I don't think you can see what I see
But what if it's just me
What if it's my warped vision
Trying to convince us both of a lie
And hating you for telling the truth

First time I saw you
I just knew
I just knew...

I needed you to love me

To autumn,

You make me feel warm, the glowing type of warm y'know?
Not as warm as I feel in winter though
Nothing compares to the harsh heat of winter
It's a delicious kind of heat that burns our throats
It's a heat you can feel inside of you because you need the heat so much...i know you do
So autumn even though your heat is short lived I'll still welcome you with open arms, and love you like you deserve to be loved
but just know i'll always be faithful to winter,
it was my first love after all

this isn't what I wanted at all
-

i feel like one day you just become an adult and you have no idea what to do with a life that you really didn't want
as in the life that you live isn't the one that you wanted
what do you even do with that? because I feel like life really isn't what you make it
life happens no matter how much you try to shape it

-
I guess i have no real idea about what I want
most of my life has been spent knowing what i don't want as if that ever made a difference
-
there are only a few moments in my life where I can confirm I have actually been alive
but mostly I think about the fact that I just exist, just like a lot of people, just like everyone actually