My silence bites him like the frost in winter
My mystique eats at him till he no longer exists
I wear honesty on my eyes and lustre on my lips
But now He sees through that disguise, when did he become like this?

Erik Satie: Gnossienne No. 1, 2, 3

silver is just a darker shade of white

pictures really hit you hard
pictures that show words...hit you harder

guess you could say
karma really came
and hit me in my mind
it was just a waiting game
after all these months
guess you could say I deserved it
I deserved you
but fate decided to be a little *****
fate woke up and decided that you weren't supposed to be in the forefront of life
fate sidelined you
aka i still see you
i still scan for you
i still feel you
on my skin
i still hear you
i smell you on my skin
i anticipate you
i excite you
i entice you
you frustrate me
you play with me
i close my eyes
i close your eyes

if only distance worked
i would put a thousand oceans between us
but i learnt a long time ago running away from your problems never works
even if i'm staring out into no mans land
i'll know i'm really not alone
you'll be there to haunt me

and in a sick world full of a romantic poetry
maybe that would be seen as something good

but in this sick world where it's hard to be lonely
i have to beg for solitude
so that i never have to hear a loud noise again

i hate emotions
i spit on them
it disgusts me
especially when i cry about it like a little *****
these days i'm so shaken from the core
my foundations  have been rattled
by who, by me
these feelings have left me conscious of my breathing
i can't manifest what i want to write into words
it's all ******* coming out wrong
-----------
do you ever feel a certain way, so much so that to convey it seems impossible
like you've reached an impasse

He looked at me sigh
Through his half jaded eyes
Yet my eyes
Strayed aside

So He grabbed my neck
And with one stiff click
My eyes locked with his forever

i could fall for you

there is an energy to her walk
there is life in her every step
and when she turns to leave
she leaves an aura of death trailing after her

she is intoxicating
because she is focused

as she walks all she can think about is her beauty
she does not need to worry about her surroundings
she knows everybody is taken in by her

---
the world disappears when she walks
she is once again surrounded by beauty
intoxicated by her own beauty
and the life that radiates off of her

--
she is sure of herself
confident
magnetic
charismatic
and
electric
-
she's not alive though

limits
I keep pushing the limits
with people
within people
and I just convince myself that they're fine with me doing that

living is useless
-
what's the use of being good
when we don't exist anymore

Twirl of shyness
Going closer than recoiling back harsher than ever
Leaving the aftermath of a tangled heart
So now you become like this after all that?
Why? ANSWER ME WHY
We twisted and twirled so perfectly together
Delicate tendrils of belonging entwined around us
You cut the tendrils like you would ****
But weeds grow back again
And grow they did.

I am in mourning
because you have not died

I wish it would feel good to scream

Just for one day
please
i just don't want to think

please
i need it to stop
i need to breathe

i need time on my own
to recover and become whole again

give me time
give me space to breathe

The feeling of my hand around my neck is so familiar to me
Like a mother’s touch

-
My nails scratch the surface of my tight skin
And they move back and forth, pacing gently
They wait so patiently

the hardest thing about growing up is not knowing what you mean when you say you're tired

Tell me who you are

it all felt so real

i'm scared and i'm on edge

was it real?

I feel stuck

maybe my anonymity ruined me
but is it such a crime to want to stay hidden?

looking . i'm always looking for something
always tracing those lines on a chipped mirror, looking for the x that marks the spot

just to feel something
just to feel something
just to feel something

i feel something

do you feel something?
because that feeling left for me as fast as it came
i just can't quite hold on to it

i hate growing up but i love it too
nothing else feels right
being young is all i know and all i'm comfortable with

it's slowly slipping away from me
i don't know how am i'm going to continue living
should i continue living?

i was surfing reddit and i saw this post on suicide watch - it felt good to know i wasn't the only one who didn't want to exist past 30 . i wonder if they're still alive? the post was 8 years ago

i wonder whether i will be alive - i mean does anyone want to live as a real adult or even be old
i hate it
life looks bleak, predictable, full of effort, monotone, repetitive

don't give me that you choose your life *******

what's wrong with me

you hurt me, and I hated myself for being in pain

hah how long till you dump me
i;m yours and only yours, right
wrong, left
hah kidding, unconditional, unsurpassed
wait what
l

i know just what my eyes look like and i can't even see myself
hell i can't even picture myself
i'm lost in my own wide eyed yet heavy lidded glare

please tell me how i've managed to forge a connection like this with you
i'm just screaming on the inside
funny how i don't even know whether im talking about a person or a little habit i can't kick
whatever you are
you make me feel empty, intoxicated, and completely willing to give myself over
a little tilt of the head, maybe i'll throw in some empty eye action
and just hold myself, my arms draped across the most sensitive parts of my body
at most, caressing my neck

A feeling of elation
When you think back to old memories
We all love who we used to be
It makes me smile
And the people that I used to be around
It makes me sad to live in the past
But it makes me even sadder to live in the present
And just half sad when I think about the future
Because the future is always better
But it's sad sometimes
When you know that one day
The future will just be another sad present

i can't word this, i can't word anything i'm just at a loss
anger will destroy us all

You set my soul on fire

A form of creation craves creation

Is perception a form of injustice?

He ruined me

I let him ruin me

I'm just so complex I find it hard to hold on to the understanding that I have of myself

people make me feel so empty

The most beautiful moment in life

on a Sunday afternoon I told him that I love him
it took him by surprise
but he said he loves me too
and I know that he truly meant it

I meant it too
I felt every emotion that comes with love and I felt it deeply
It does not matter to me that I have no idea whether it’s platonic or romantic love
It’s still love
And it felt good…it feels good
I went where my emotions lead me to and for once it wasn’t to a dark place

I feel happy
A love that’s not defined
It’s just pure

A person once said to me ‘what is love?’ and they didn’t ask it as a question because it just can’t be questioned
and at the time I didn’t understand but I do now

there isn’t an answer or a definition

today a tear slipped down my face, out of happiness
I have learnt a lot of lessons and I’m glad that I stayed alive to learn them and to keep feeling

I will complain about life tomorrow but at least I felt today. At least I have the hope that I will feel again another day

Thank you for letting me feel the warm rays of happiness on my skin once again

****, where will I take myself

i don't want us to ever grow apart

you're the closest thing i ever had to intimacy , maybe that's why i refuse to let go
every part of me is sickened by you
but i crave you in equal measure

do i love you because i love you?
or do i love you because you've been here since i was a child?
because i don't know anything else but you?

you're the closest thing to home
the thing is, home to me has always been somewhere i've ran away from
but i never forget home

It'd be nice if more people interacted with me on here

\ i could really use a friend
just this once

I want to be free

i wonder just how much our distance broke us
grey thoughts to red actions to nothing
a flame that barely licks at me now
a single flame
i don't always feel it
sometimes it burns
sometimes i notice it

but never mind

Everything that I am today, right now, right this second is everything I wasn't
Everything that im not today, right now, right this second is what will make me